Girlfriend upset over something I did in the past...

[abouttoloseit]

What do you guys think? Here's the background...

 

Back in 2009 when I was with my ex girlfriend, my ex asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club with her and her male friend (it was his birthday) and his gf. It was a bit weird but I thought, as I have never been to one, this might be a good time to see what they're like. I went, it was weird, bit sleazy and left after about 30 mins.

 

I went again for a second time when I was single with my friends as it was one of my friends birthday. I didn't particularly want to go, but in fear of being left outside on my own I went in. Again, found it weird, I didn't pay for any dances, waited for my friends to finish their drinks and left.

 

That's my experience with strip clubs.

 

Now my current girlfriend, who I love very much has accused me of being a sexist, disrespecting user of women and tells me she'd rather me cheat on her than have her knowing I went to a strip club over 2 years ago. I've been with my current girlfriend for 6 months so all of this happened before we both knew each other.

 

She hasn't let me touch her, or cuddle her or anything, and when I try an explain the situations she fires back. I've spent two days with her throwing insults at me. She even told me my sister was a weirdo whore because my sister and her bf went to a strip club ,again, to see what they're like.

 

So this morning I tried againt to calm things down, told her I love her, I don't want strippers, I couldn't care less about them and that I don't want to go to them.

 

I think she wants me to apologise for going, but thats not going to happen. It's none of her business regardless what I've done in past. I said I was sorry for upsetting her but I had no idea she was going to get so mad.

 

But anyway, this morning she pushed me to far, told me she didn't care about us, so I said dump me. If you feel this away about me, if you think I'm a sexist, user and disrespectful towards women, dump me.

 

But she wouldn't. So I lost my grip and tried to end it, but she stopped me from leaving the house.

 

I don't get it, what's her problem?

 

[Silly_Girl]

What do you know about her past relationships? Is it possible an ex had an issue with strip clubs? Maybe it's a trigger not so much relating to you but some past hurt?

[YellowShark]

Her response is way over-the-top. It is completely disproportionate to the event 2 years ago. She sounds like a total WACKJOB! You, "exploiting women" by going into a strip club, pla-eaze. She's nuts. Seriously.

[abouttoloseit]

What do you know about her past relationships? Is it possible an ex had an issue with strip clubs? Maybe it's a trigger not so much relating to you but some past hurt?

 

Yes, there is a back story to her side. Apparently, an ex of hers cheated on her by going to a stripper for sex. SO I understand her view towards strip clubs, but all of this happened before we knew each other. She needs to understand I'm not one of her exs.

 

[irin]

i would dump a guy, or reject him, if i know hes ever been to strip clubs, or plans on going to one, some women have very strong opinion of them. some others, go them selves.

[firemanq]

Unfortunatly, we all carry some baggage from one relationship to another relationship. You are right, what you did then should not affect your present relationship. The problem is she has had something happen in the past that triggers these feelings. Sounds like it was very traumatic for her. If she can/will not talk to you about the problems, there can be no healing, for either of you. Is she willing to get professional help?

 

It is not fair to you, it is not fair to her. And her past experiences will continue to hurt her in future relationships until she deals with the problem.

[veggirl]

You should break up with her.

 

She will never let this go and her reaction is absolutely crazy. It's one thing to have issues with strip clubs, but at least be a fking adult about it and have a mature conversation without name calling and all that.

 

This is how she handles conflict. Huge red flag.

 

Do you guys already live together or something? You said she "wouldn't let you" leave the house. Whose house is it?

 

I honestly think you should leave her. She is over the top dramatic and ridiculously immature. Calling your sister a weirdo whore? Wow.

[chrissylee]

I HATE strip clubs and would leave my boyfriend in a second if he ever went to one. However I know he has been to some before we got together. I don't like the mental images that it gives me, but I'm not going to break up with him or fight with him over something that happened before we got together.

[KungFuJoe]

She is having some type of retroactive jealousy. Typically, RJ means you have some type of insecurity. In this case, it's DEFINITELY insecurity and it's definitely warranted.

 

The good thing is...she's not crazy. She was hurt by something in the past and there is a definitive reason as to why she would hate strip clubs.

 

The bad thing is...it was in your past and she needs to realize this. Problem is, with RJ, logic gets tossed out the window. AND she is taking it VERY hard.

 

You have three choices:

 

1 - Buckle up for a LONG and bumpy ride and hope she clears it out on her own.

2 - Get her some therapy (my suggestion).

3 - Leave.

 

I do want to add that because her RJ is being triggered by something real and easily defined, I think she could be very easily "cured" by the right therapist. The hardest part about treating RJ is finding the root cause of it.

[foralittlerespect]

Hate to say it, OP, but I think this girl will make you miserable if you stay much longer…

 

Look over what you originally wrote…you are over-explaining, and you shouldn’t have to, to her or anyone. You went to a strip club twice. Once to please an ex, and once because you wanted to hang with a friend on their birthday. End of story.

 

It’s fine if she’s not a fan of strip clubs. It’s also okay that she has had an ex who was a sleaze ball. It’s definitely NOT okay that her unclaimed baggage is being projected on to YOU.

 

You sound like a nice guy. It would be one thing if you had a history of cheating, philandering, etc…but that doesn’t sound like you. Don’t take on someone else’s trust issues. I did that for 2 years, and I did a LOT of over-explaining (see my previous pathetic sounding posts…ha.)

 

Good luck.

[FryFish]

Leave her now... She is ****ing nutz and her situation WILL eventually lead to a ****ty sex life for you... ****ty sex lives lead to miserable real lives and miserable real lives lead to suicide pacts... lol

[nofool4u]

I don't get it, what's her problem?

 

 

She's a psycho b!tch. Time to move on.

[ScienceGal]

In my opinion, her past experience and her imagination are the problems. She isn't healed from what her ex did, and her mind is running wild thinking about you being in a strip club. Her saying that she would rather have you cheat is showing just how erratic her thoughts are. She is correlating strip clubs with cheating, and is therefore trying to jump ahead to the point where you betray her. She'd rather just get the pain over with. It's a conditioned response, but it's not how she really feels.

 

What you need to understand is that you're going to have to put in more time and patience with this woman. You're cleaning up a mess you didn't make. So, if she is worth it to you, sit her down and explain to her how those two visits went, don't leave her to imagine. Tell her that you completely understand why she doesn't like it, and you don't plan on going to one again since 1) it would hurt her and 2) you didn't like it anyway. Explain to her how much you care for her, but that it isn't fair to be judged for something you did in the past (something that many many people do), and she is going to have to really think about why she is feeling so upset. She has to dig deep and realize it's because of her ex that she feels this way. If she can't, the relationship isn't going to move forward. Tell her that she has to make the decision to trust you, or the relationship is over. Then step back and tell her you're there whenever she comes to a decision. Be kind/loving, but firm and straightforward, she will respect you for that.

 

Good luck.

[2sure]

Soon she will be following you to the bathroom. This is her crazy. You decide if it's the kind you can deal with.

[Silly_Girl]

She is having some type of retroactive jealousy. Typically, RJ means you have some type of insecurity. In this case, it's DEFINITELY insecurity and it's definitely warranted.

 

The good thing is...she's not crazy. She was hurt by something in the past and there is a definitive reason as to why she would hate strip clubs.

 

The bad thing is...it was in your past and she needs to realize this. Problem is, with RJ, logic gets tossed out the window. AND she is taking it VERY hard.

 

You have three choices:

 

1 - Buckle up for a LONG and bumpy ride and hope she clears it out on her own.

2 - Get her some therapy (my suggestion).

3 - Leave.

 

I do want to add that because her RJ is being triggered by something real and easily defined, I think she could be very easily "cured" by the right therapist. The hardest part about treating RJ is finding the root cause of it.

 

This is great advice.

 

I had a really weird trigger the other week. My lovely new boyfriend did something that triggered a nasty feeling from a (very bad) relationship that ended more than three years ago. My mood plummeted and for a few hours I didn't even know why I was angry with him. I just knew I was. When it clicked in my head I told my boyfriend what was wrong and that I didn't want him to change his behaviour - the problem is *me* - but if I get weirded out I appreciate him listening and being gentle with me. Which is what happened, and it's unlikely that issue will bother us as a couple again. I still have my $h!t to deal with, but with his support.

 

Your girlfriend isn't being fair to you, but if you love her and value her this issue should be able to be navigated past. She isn't being intentionally malicious and needs some help to get her head around this. Remind her you are NOT her ex, you do not behave like her ex and if you did she wouldn't be with you. I hope you can get her to see the distinction. If the relationship is otherwise strong and positive it would be very sad to have this ruin it.

[Radu]

What do you guys think? Here's the background...

 

Back in 2009 when I was with my ex girlfriend, my ex asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club with her and her male friend (it was his birthday) and his gf. It was a bit weird but I thought, as I have never been to one, this might be a good time to see what they're like. I went, it was weird, bit sleazy and left after about 30 mins.

 

I went again for a second time when I was single with my friends as it was one of my friends birthday. I didn't particularly want to go, but in fear of being left outside on my own I went in. Again, found it weird, I didn't pay for any dances, waited for my friends to finish their drinks and left.

 

That's my experience with strip clubs.

 

Now my current girlfriend, who I love very much has accused me of being a sexist, disrespecting user of women and tells me she'd rather me cheat on her than have her knowing I went to a strip club over 2 years ago. I've been with my current girlfriend for 6 months so all of this happened before we both knew each other.

 

She hasn't let me touch her, or cuddle her or anything, and when I try an explain the situations she fires back. I've spent two days with her throwing insults at me. She even told me my sister was a weirdo whore because my sister and her bf went to a strip club ,again, to see what they're like.

 

So this morning I tried againt to calm things down, told her I love her, I don't want strippers, I couldn't care less about them and that I don't want to go to them.

 

I think she wants me to apologise for going, but thats not going to happen. It's none of her business regardless what I've done in past. I said I was sorry for upsetting her but I had no idea she was going to get so mad.

 

But anyway, this morning she pushed me to far, told me she didn't care about us, so I said dump me. If you feel this away about me, if you think I'm a sexist, user and disrespectful towards women, dump me.

 

But she wouldn't. So I lost my grip and tried to end it, but she stopped me from leaving the house.

 

I don't get it, what's her problem?

 

 

 

Control or projecting past experiences on you.

 

A few red flags :

- i don't get on with my own sister all the times and from time to time she truly pisses me off, but if my gf ever called her a whore, she would be out of my life.

- gf going with bf to a strip club is ok, it simply isn't cheating.

- it happened 1.5yrs before you guys met, she has no right to ask for an apology.

- she doesn't sound like she has much relationship experience, reason being that normal ppl talk out their differences and don't push to the degree she pushed.

 

I think you need to end it ... for me the first red flag is reason alone to end it.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Radu

[Chi townD]

Yes, there is a back story to her side. Apparently, an ex of hers cheated on her by going to a stripper for sex. SO I understand her view towards strip clubs, but all of this happened before we knew each other. She needs to understand I'm not one of her exs.

 

 

BINGO!!!! And you need to get her to understand that. Or else, this relationship is toast.

[veggirl]

Listen, this girl is messed up. Really messed up. Any normal person would be able to calm down and approach this like an adult. She is too fked up to do that.

 

You won't fix her! Don't even try.

 

What happens next time she finds out something she doesn't like?

 

It's going to get worse.

[GLDheart]

It's tough to walk away from people in pain and need... stay with her and you too can be one.

[The_Middleman]

Tell her to grow up and drop the feminist bullcrap. If she continues, dump her quick or you are going to be in for years of misery.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wait, wait, wait.....

 

Was it actually going down just like you described OR was it that she was really bothered by strip clubs being exploitative and you took it personally?

 

I'm just asking. I know that sometimes when a fight gets going that sone young couples take the gloves off (sometimes literally!)

[MuscleCarFan]

Your girlfriend being upset from something in the past is a HUGE RED FLAG! Dump her before she makes your life miserable!

[dasein]

Listen to VG and all the others OP, they got it right. This is just the first misery making episode you will have with this one, guaranteed.

 

Or give her a gift certificate for poledancing lessons as a makeup gift! yeah that's the ticket!

[Trimmer]

But anyway, this morning she pushed me to far, told me she didn't care about us, so I said dump me. If you feel this away about me, if you think I'm a sexist, user and disrespectful towards women, dump me.

 

But she wouldn't. So I lost my grip and tried to end it, but she stopped me from leaving the house.

I'm actually fascinated with the implications here. Are you saying that you wanted her to dump you, but she refused, so you decided to end the relationship, but since she prevented you from leaving the house, that you didn't end the relationship? I'm having trouble imagining what that process looked like...

[all_hail_me]

@abouttoloseit: Wow, big bad response. I know what it's like to be jealous and unreasonable - she's not ready for a relationship! She needs to heal and needs a little counselling if she's willing to get it. I think you need to distance yourself for your own good. Get some space away from her, tell her you can't deal with her treating you like you're her ex boyfriend. If she really wants to make it work, she'll come round. You can't take abuse over her issues with her ex.

 

You deserve a little slack, lots of people go to strip clubs - I took my bf to one for his birthday recently (I've been before) - it's really not a big deal.