How do I stop being jealous and trust the woman that I love?

[confusedandjealous]

Ok, I know this is long and kind of soap-operaish, but it's been bothering me for a long time now.

 

I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over 10 months now. She is 21, I am 20. When we first met, she had a boyfriend (of two years) in another state, and was currently involved with the guy who lived in the apartment next to me. I didn't know she had a boyfriend, or that she was involved with my neighbor, because she said she was single, and they were "just friends". About two weeks after we started going out, she told me about her relationship with my neighbor, and that she had been using him for sex, because she wanted to break up with her boyfriend, and nothing else had worked so she felt cheating on him was the only option. At this point, she also told my neighbor about her relationship with me, though they had stopped having sex after we began going out.

 

My neighbor, a depressed person to begin with, attempted to commit suicide about a week after that, and the only thing that saved him was my girlfriend walking in as he was in the act. My girlfriend was traumatized by all this, and felt responsible, though the neighbor blamed it all on me "stealing" her from him. For the next month, my girlfriend slept with my neighbor (just sleep, completely clothed, no sex at all), because she didn't want him to get so depressed again (he was seeing a therapist at that point, as well). All of this was very exhausting for my girlfriend, and she confided in my daily that she wished she could just get out of the issues with my neighbor.

 

Because of confusion caused by my neighbor's manipulative personality (constantly telling her that I was arrogant and bad for her and he was the guy she should be with), my girlfriend decided to put things on hold between us, though she said that she really just wanted to be with me after she got everything straightened out. We got back together a couple of weeks later, and everything was good. She tried to distance herself from my neighbor, and didn't sleep with him very often (once every couple of weeks at most). Everything seemed to be going well until about a month later, when my neighbor and girlfriend got drunk together, he tried to strangle her and choke her, I ended up calling the police, and my neighbor ended up spending 3 days in a hospital psychiatric ward. My girlfriend again blamed herself and my neighbor again blamed me.

 

After this, my girlfriend went to counseling, and my neighbor moved. Everything went great, and more than 6 months later, we both love each other completely, and are talking about getting married some day. She no longer has any contact with the neighbor, though one day she confessed to me that she had sex with him once during the few weeks we were separated, though she regrets it and feels bad that it happened. She says she was just going through a rebellious phase when the whole thing with my neighbor started and she doesn't feel bad about cheating on her first boyfriend (because he had sex with her (her first time) when she had told him she wanted to wait for marriage, and pushed her into things she wasn't ready for and didn't want to begin with).

 

My girlfriend and I have had a healthy, enjoyable sexual relationship since just after we got back together after our "break". She was my first and only sexual partner (I was her third). Though I believe that she loves me, and I believe her when she says that she regrets the things that happened with my neighbor, I still have trouble completely trusting her. And, most days, I cannot help but think about her having sex with my neighbor right next door, while the whole time telling me nothing was going on. She has lied about small things since then, but has ended up admitting most of them to me (as far as I know).

 

I love this girl, and I really want to be with her forever. W eboth make each other the happiest we have ever felt, but I don't know how to stop being jealous of my ex-neighbor, and I don't know how to make myself trust her completely again. We have talked about these things, and though she usually ends up crying, we usually both feel better after talking. Still, though, I can't get the jealous paranoid thoughts out of my mind. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading this very long post.

[faux]

I believe that you have valid reasons for not fully trusting this woman. Additionally, it appears that it is quite soon to be considering marriage. I see a lot of problems going on here, and I think this girl is trouble.

 

I do suppose some counseling could help you "cope" with some of your jealousy issues. However, I see enough reasons for your distrust to be justified, and I do not believe it would be wise to invest much in this relationship.

[HoldOn]

Some people are jealous for no reason, because of problems in their own life, and they blame it on their significant other.

 

Some people are jealous because their significant other is not very trustworthy, but they still feel it's their own fault for being "insecure."

 

You are in the second group. You have every right to be jealous considering everything this girl has put you through. Your feelings of jealousy are completely normal.

 

Here is what I hear:

1. ) This girl has a history of cheating on her BFs when she feels things are not going well. Boy does she have great excuses.

2.) She lied to you about sleeping with him.

3.) She has told you other small lies about things and she's been caught.

 

Doesn't sound good... In fact, this sounds very bad. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her personally.

[VeryConcernedGuy]

What I have found out from personal experience is, if a girl leaves her partner for you, she will leave you for someone else.

 

If you have a bad feeling about trusting a woman, a person or anyone or situation at all and the feeling stays there for any length of time, then you are not jealous........You are ignoring your intuition........Don't ignore it, ACT upon it and even try to catch her out, without her knowing. You'll know one way or the other.

 

This is not for the faint hearted though, if you do catch her out, you MUST be prepared and Mature enought to handle the outcome, Don't get mad, just let her know that you won't accept it and then move on.

 

Hopefully she will realise what she is doing to all these guys who are trustworthy and change herself......But you know the saying.....A Leopard can't change it's spots!!

 

I wish you luck.

[Debster]

This to me sounds so messed up.

First of all why would you want to be with someone who sleeps with someone else to get back at her boyfriend. Right there, it says something about her character. Plus the fact that she was so insensitive and cruel to her neighbor probably made her feel a lot of guilt. So she should have apologized and helped him get counselling - NOT SLEEP IN HIS BED. I can't comprehend why you were ok with this.