Having a hard time

[penguin23]

Hey guys. I've been having a real tough time with my BU. We were together for 1.5 years, broke up 4 months ago. Ugh. I feel like 4 months is long enough to be feeling better than this but oh well.

 

Here's the story:

We met in grad school, both in our late 20s. I was really hesitant to date him because he's Indian and I'm white American and I was worried that even if our relationship was a success (that we didn't break up), his parents wouldn't approve and he would break up with me. He assured me that it would be our choice to be together, never his parents. Fast forward 1.5 years. We were in love enough to want to get married but he needed to tell his parents...and my nightmare came true. They flipped out, he told me he was really sorry but his parents wouldn't change their minds. Since I was so angry about that he started backtracking and saying that it was our relationship that was flawed, our break up had nothing to do with his parents.

 

2 months pass and I'm still totally heartbroken and I realize that I want to fight for our relationship. To me, our relationship was great and maybe if he remembered then he would realize that we should fight for it (and he told me not to visit-that it would make things harder). We had been long distance for 7 months so I had to buy a plane ticket to visit him for the weekend. It was a really good trip on the one hand (I saw that I was right....we did have a great relationship) and horrible on the other (he was being set up by his parents to meet a girl to get an arranged marriage-while I was there). Even during the trip he kept saying that our break up had nothing to do with his parents, it was his choice. I hadn't really expected to change his mind but I felt like I had to at least try.

 

I get back home knowing that he's either engaged or about to become engaged:( I'm totally heartbroken but I keep feeling like I just can't start feeling better because none of it makes sense. So I finally talk to him on the phone and explain that the way that he's acted since the break up has made me feel like I was never important to him. I felt like I was just a placeholder until he decided to get serious and find a proper Indian wife. He had kept saying things like "this is for the best" and "it's the way it should be" which made me feel like he always wanted our break up to go down the way it did. He was surprised that I felt like that (of course if you don't show me any emotion what else am I supposed to think? am i a mind reader?) and explained that he never wanted things to go like this. After really pushing him he finally admitted that he broke up with me because he "didn't have the balls to stand up to his parents."

 

It made me feel better to at least finally hear the truth. But it also hurt because our relationship was never the reason we broke up. Immediately after the call I was relieved. For the first time in months I didn't feel crazy. But since then I feel like emotionally I'm back to the first couple of weeks after the break up. Like I have a different break up to come to terms with and I'm having to deal with it all over again in a different way.

 

I'm back to each day being difficult. Some days I'm so angry at him: that he would do this to me and to himself. That he would give up like that. That he allows himself to be such a coward. And other days I can accept that it will be easier for me not being in a family like that (they were really crazy when they were trying to get him to dump me). But mostly I'm just hurt. That the man I loved would be so horrible to me.

 

When we had that lost phone convo (3 weeks ago or so) he kept saying that it was a bad idea to talk...it wouldn't do anything and I would just want to talk again in another month. As I come up to a month of course I really want to talk to him. The truth is that it does feel a little better to hear from him and to tell him how much he's hurt me. I feel like he should make me feel better-like it's his duty. Everyday is an exercise in trying to put off calling him-it's exhausting.

 

And to top it off I have his stupid diploma that I told him (while we were still together and after we broke up) I would send to him. I guess the diploma gives me an excuse to send a letter so I always feel like I should be saying the things I'm thinking. And sometimes I want the letter so mean that it hurts him forever, sometimes I want the letter to be so nice that he'll always regret what he's done and sometimes I want the letter to be magical...to have the perfect words to bring him to his senses...so that he'll break up with his fiance and come back to me.

 

This whole situation is so horrible:( It's like the plot of some really heartbreaking movie that I wouldn't want to see. I have come to terms with the fact that it wasn't about him not loving me enough (as one of my friends tried to tell me) because then he didn't really love himself enough either. It's more just family expectations and the fear of letting them down (they were in the process of disowning him because of me).

 

I had been seeing a therapist anyway so I talk to her about this stuff but it's once a week. Other than that I try to talk to friends but spread it out so no one hears about it too much. I thought that maybe joining the forum would help me not drive my friends crazy.

 

Break ups are the worst. Is there anyway of thinking about this crappy situation that will make me feel better? Should I just keep bringing up any bad parts of our relationship? Or try to convince myself that he'll be miserable married to this other woman? I just don't know how to deal. Right now I'm just trying to not contact him.

Edited July 17, 2012 by penguin23

[penguin23]

I've been doing NC for 3 weeks now. I'm really having a hard time with it though. I feel like everyday I have to convince myself not to contact him almost the whole day. I keep convincing myself that I can just do it later.

 

It's getting harder. I don't know what I would want out of talking to him. I guess for him to understand how much he's hurt me? And after understanding that that he changes his mind? Not really realistic.

 

Today's just an especially hard day today.

[Brokendude]

Hey penguin i feel awful for how ur feeling, bur no matter what u do dont break contact , u feel awful now ull be in a world of hurt even more later, nothing good will come of it, ur not gonna change his heart in fact, ull push him even further and boost his ego, i kno u dont want to hear this but i just dont want u to hurt even more, think of ur nc as an achievement, ur dping sp well dont regress now

[hopelessromantic29]

I dated outside my race too n lemme tell you. My parents have these crazy stereotypes about how one race acts in relationships. BUT my parents will accept whomever I choose because that is my choice. Not theirs. Not to sound racist or anything, but I've found from personal experience (I have lots of Indian friends) but they are very strict. I think honestly if he truly loved you, his parents would accept the person their child loved too unless you were a loser, unemployed, rude, n had no values. You don't seem like that. So did he really love you? I think not. I'm sorry, but maybe you're better off without someone who isn't willing to fight for u. Think about this: what would u do if u were in his shoes? Fight or leave? I think that should give u the answer although you may not like it.

[penguin23]

Hey penguin i feel awful for how ur feeling, bur no matter what u do dont break contact , u feel awful now ull be in a world of hurt even more later, nothing good will come of it, ur not gonna change his heart in fact, ull push him even further and boost his ego, i kno u dont want to hear this but i just dont want u to hurt even more, think of ur nc as an achievement, ur dping sp well dont regress now

 

thanks brokendude-your reminder definitely helps me remember that I don't really get anything out of breaking NC. Yesterday was hard but I ended up pulling myself together.

 

What about his diploma that I said I would send? Should I just send that without any note? I think I'm still holding onto as an excuse to send a note later.

[penguin23]

Hopelessromantic thanks for your reply. I don't think he had very much control over how his parents reacted to me. I thought that they needed time and you're right...someone who felt more strongly would've fought harder. Well, at least that's what I convince myself sometimes. Other times I don't want to believe it because it just hurts worse. Either way he's not worth it.

 

His parents were pretty horrible though-definitely mounted a pretty strong offensive. They told him he was no longer their son and they would get him his inheritance by the end of the year so they wouldn't have any ties to him at all. His father apparently got sick so his mom said it was his (my ex's) fault that he was sick and if he were to die it would be his fault. And I know his sister's husband told the dad that if we were to marry that they would refuse to ever have contact with us.

 

What really sucks is the fact that before he told them he kept checking with me if it was something that I could withstand...he was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Turns out he was asking the wrong person.

[Brokendude]

Mail it without a note, please understand im on the same boat as you still really missing my ex it hadnt even been a week but i kno i will never break nc, my gf also is jewish and im not so thats alsi part of the reason shes always doubted us so if theres anyone that understand u, its me....love the comment above that if theyre not willing to fight then theres nothin we can do, i kno i woulda fought til the end but thats y better people deserve our love

[penguin23]

ok I'll try to send it without a note. He doesn't really deserve a note...but since my visit I keep coming up with other things that I want to tell him he was a jerk for doing.

 

Maybe I'll just say it here and then feel like at least I said it. Basically if he had just been honest about why he broke up with me I would have been able to save myself the heartbreak of going down there to visit him. I only visited him because I thought that there was chance of making him change his mind...not realizing that his parents were the reason he broke up with me and it wasn't a situation that I had control over (as in, it wasn't really about me at all). And then the fact that he had sex with me while I was down there is horrible too. I know why I had sex with him (b/c I wanted to get back together) but he knew that I wanted to get back together. I feel like it was wrong for him to have sex with me....he knew the whole situation and knew that I didn't have a chance anyway. It was just him using me for sex

 

I just want him to know how much he's hurt me though. What a total jerk.

[penguin23]

So even though I would like to contact him (and send him a letter when I mail him his stupid diploma) I think I have a good reason not to do it. I mean there are always reasons not to but I this one makes sense to me right now.

 

With NC eventually he is going to realize what a horrible mistake he made in breaking up with me (that's what I believe) and eventually I'm going to realize what a wonderful thing his breaking up was for me. I haven't figured out that it was a wonderful thing yet. But I really think I will. In the meantime, I have to wait it out and realize that at some point I'm going to get to that point. I have to give us both time...and once time passes I won't want to be back with him anyway.

 

In the meantime I can start figuring out where I want to live once I graduate (in a few weeks). I'm thinking of moving to Arizona:)

 

btw, why does this whole process involve so much emotional cycling? I never know what I'm going to be feeling on a given day. Some days it's totally fine (well, numb right now) and some days it's like hell.

[Brokendude]

So proud of u penguin, ur gonna get thru this faster than mOst people coz ur being reasonable about it an u r willin to listen, keep it up!! And if u feel the urge to contact him ur old buddy brokendde and the rest of us here are waiting for you, ur not alone

[penguin23]

aww thanks brokendude:) honestly means a lot hearing that. i'm sure i'll have my moments of weakness but i'll jump on here instead. and even though i wanted to send some long "you've-broken-my-heart-and-i'll-never-recover" letter with the diploma i think it's kind of bada$$ to send it without any note.

[penguin23]

ugh what a crappy day already. for some reason from the moment I woke up I wanted to contact the ex. I'm on here right now to just try to vent but oh I wish I could contact him.

 

Basically, I just feel like he's making this huge mistake (doesn't everyone feel like that about their ex?). His parents were horrible and threatened him with a lot of nasty things to break up with me...and now I feel like he's just pretending everything is ok. He seems to think that if he just numbly goes through the motions until he's married to this girl that everything will be ok. He's going to be married for 2 months before he realizes that he was really wrong about that. His class at grad school had lots of Indians (about 80) and he hated almost all of them. The chances of his dad (who barely knows him, honestly) having picked a girl that's actually a good match for him are incredibly low.

 

So I'm watching the guy I love make this horrible mistake. I'm sure he's drinking more to deal with it.

 

Ok. I don't really want to contact him because it doesn't get me anywhere. I'll just get frustrated that he's not doing what I think is right. I've already been clear about how I feel so it would just be repetition and not get me anywhere. And I need to remind myself that he needs to make his own choices. I would never want to be the one that broke up his family. So what if he's unhappy? It will be up to him to get himself happy- not my problem.

 

And um. There must be more reasons not to contact him, right? He had issues and the fact that he couldn't even stand up to the prejudice of his parents is evidence of that. Oh-and after we broke up he started smoking again. When I went down there to give it one last chance I stole a sweater because it smelled like him (I did it on an impulse) but now it doesn't smell as much like him but more like smoke. Yuck. And that's how it's going to be--the good stuff is eventually going to fade in my memory and the stuff that made him less attractive will at some point be less hidden.

 

In the meantime I'm sad.

[Samilia]

My parents come from two very different cultures. If I could see myself marrying someone from a different race, like my parents, I wouldn't marry someone from a very different culture. I'm that child you would have had and it sucked growing up not belonging.

 

Let me add, we had this woman at work, she was Indian. She was explaining to me how her son and his new wife he barely knew were going to live with them. Me as a white European woman I asked if it bothered her, she laughed and said no, that's the way they do it in her culture, and that how it was for her when she married her own husband. That's the normal way of doing things for her.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Samilia

[penguin23]

My parents come from two very different cultures. If I could see myself marrying someone from a different race, like my parents, I wouldn't marry someone from a very different culture. I'm that child you would have had and it sucked growing up not belonging.

 

Let me add, we had this woman at work, she was Indian. She was explaining to me how her son and his new wife he barely knew were going to live with them. Me as a white European woman I asked if it bothered her, she laughed and said no, that's the way they do it in her culture, and that how it was for her when she married her own husband. That's the normal way of doing things for her.

 

Hi Samilia-Thanks for the reply. There are definitely lots of reasons it makes it easier that we're not going to stay together and have a family. Thanks for your perspective-the kids would definitely have had a difficult time.

 

I do understand the concept of arranged marriages and I think that they can really work well. It's just that usually people aren't in love with someone else when they get into the marriage. He just never should have gotten into a relationship with me. I thought about this stuff before the relationship ever got serious at all and brought it up to him. I guess he was a little more naive than me.

 

And I also think that his parents are rushing into this because they want to get him married off ASAP. They did that with his sister after she lost her first husband in a car accident...after 8 years of a horrible marriage she and her 2nd husband recently got divorced (which is a huge deal). It's just not the best circumstances for an arranged marriage. But this is all me just rationalizing it. It doesn't change the facts.

[penguin23]

I've only been updating in horrible moments so I wanted to write in and say that I'm doing better right now. yay. After a frustrating morning my afternoon wasn't as bad. And I even did a class at gym.

 

I'm almost feeling normal right now. And a couple of weeks ago I almost didn't like when I felt almost normal because it meant that I could get over the ex (and I wanted to hold on as much as possible)....and now I'm actually happy that I feel like this. Progress!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi! I hope you're feeling better and it really made me so sad reading your posts. I have an Indian boyfriend too, and first thing I'd tell you is that he honestly doesn't care if other people reject this relationship. Someone made a bad comment and a terrible joke about us being together and he got mad and hasn't been talking to that guy since.

 

However we have our fair share of problems too. He hates the country I am in now, the place I have grown up and where all my friends and my family is. He wants to leave, but I can't go with him until next year. He hates his work and has been shutting me out completely for almost 2 weeks now. I can't even get to text him or contact him in any way because he ignores it, or he sends messages telling me he needs to "think about all these". I tried not contacting him, hoping he would snap out of it but he doesn't. I know he is on the brink of depression because of work, but what can I do? I can only leave next year It's just a waste if we break up because he can't work for another 9 months.

 

Right now our relationship is dying and he doesn't even want to admit it (because he seldom contacts me now). All he says is he needs time. I am having my holidays so it's even harder than ever - I have so much time alone to cry and be sad. Every night I miss him and dream of us together, and at 6am I wake up sobbing when I realise it was a dream. I know how you feel when you say there are good days and bad - sometimes I feel like I am better than this, but on most days I just hate living and wish I could disappear. I think keeping a journal helps, I made a blog post about why I should NEVER text him again, what an idiot he is and when I want to contact him, I read it. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just cry and miss him more.

 

I wish you all the best. Everyone has been telling me this happened because better things are meant for me - it sounded crappy at first but now I am telling myself that to get by

[penguin23]

Hi goodbyesunshine- I have been doing better, thanks. I had a hard morning yesterday but the afternoon was better and when I got out of bed this morning I didn't have the normal pit in my stomach of "OMG I can't believe he did this to us." But I slept through most of the morning so maybe that helped?

 

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with you. It's so incredibly tough to have your bf not get back to you...especially when there hasn't been an actual break up. Just focus on yourself and definitely don't contact him anymore. If he wants space give him tons and tons of space. And don't feel like there's anything wrong with you if you're having one of those sobbing days. If that's what you're feeling, then it's what you're feeling and it's ok.

 

But since it's your holidays maybe you can do something fun for yourself? See if you can get yourself out of your place at least 2x/day. Good luck with everything!

[NoneoftheAbove]

I hope youre feeling better. Every second that passes by will teach you that its ok to be hurt and this will pass as time goes on.

[goodbyesunshine]

Ahh! Posted a long reply but somehow it didn't turn up.

 

To sum it up, I believe your ex will probably regret all these and contact you. But hopefully by the time he comes around, you have moved on and are living a happy life without him. I think that's the best way you can let him know what a jerk he has been. Just stay strong and be the person he would regret letting go without a fight.

 

As for me, I am exhausted. I don't even know if I can hang on to this relationship anymore - he replies when he wants to, asks for more time, doesn't contact. Our relationship was dreamlike perfect until he did this. Even if he did come back I'd end up loving but hating him. I don't know if I should hold on. He was responsible, kind and caring but within two weeks of work depression he changed into a monster.

 

Anyway, if you ever feel the need to contact your ex, or feel dejected because he's not around anymore, you know we're here Let's just pull through this mess and work hard at forgetting the anger and pain these people have inflicted on us. Stay positive my friend!

[hopelessromantic29]

So, I couldn't help it, but I watched the movie "Sex and the City" (the first one) last night, and it got me thinking all sorts of things. Does anyone feel that the media puts all these theories and lies into what a man/woman will do when they're in love in our heads? People often tell me that when a man loves you, he will do everything possible to be with you. I've talked to a few of my guy friends that beg to differ. I guess my big question after seeing the movie is, "Is BIG right for Carrie?" even after everything he put her through.

[penguin23]

To sum it up, I believe your ex will probably regret all these and contact you. But hopefully by the time he comes around, you have moved on and are living a happy life without him. I think that's the best way you can let him know what a jerk he has been. Just stay strong and be the person he would regret letting go without a fight.

 

As for me, I am exhausted. I don't even know if I can hang on to this relationship anymore - he replies when he wants to, asks for more time, doesn't contact. Our relationship was dreamlike perfect until he did this. Even if he did come back I'd end up loving but hating him. I don't know if I should hold on. He was responsible, kind and caring but within two weeks of work depression he changed into a monster.

 

Yeah my ex will definitely regret it. It's definitely nice to hear that still. I know that if he were to come running back to me right now I'd still want to take him back. He doesn't deserve me but I still wish he did. I'm just waiting for that time that I feel good enough that I would just say "Pppphhh, take YOU back?"

 

Just hang in there. I think you should be moving on with your life-if he wants to come back he can catch up. And yeah, all of this is exhausting but definitely you get through it.

 

Actually, I had an experience with an ex a couple of years ago. It was LD and we would talk every night. And then at some point he just stopped answering my calls. I was devastated and I couldn't figure out how we could go from talking about marriage to suddenly thinking "am I ever going to talk to this guy again?" I contacted his sister to make sure he was at least ok. I spent weeks and weeks just sobbing. When he finally did get back in touch with me I told him flat out that he needed to step up and act like an adult and break up with me if that's what he wanted. So he broke up with me...and after that I was actually just fine because I had gone through a lot of the worst before the actual break up. It was like this huge relief.

 

I'm not sure what is going to happen with your relationship but I know that no matter what you're going to be fine.

[penguin23]

Does anyone feel that the media puts all these theories and lies into what a man/woman will do when they're in love in our heads? People often tell me that when a man loves you, he will do everything possible to be with you. I've talked to a few of my guy friends that beg to differ. I guess my big question after seeing the movie is, "Is BIG right for Carrie?" even after everything he put her through.

 

 

I've definitely thought a lot about what we are told about love by others/by the media, etc. Not sure where I stand right now. I think that maybe love is more complicated than we're led to believe sometimes. It's not always as simple as "if you love the person that's enough." For my ex, it also meant losing his entire family for the rest of his life (I didn't actually believe that but he really thought his parents were serious). And even though his parents were wrong, it meant losing people in his family who had been supportive from the beginning about our relationship.

 

But yeah Big was always such a jerk to Carrie. He put her through so much. I guess Sex and the City has the premise that there's this one right person for us and for Carrie it was Big. I'm not really sure that I believe that.

[penguin23]

So I've been having an ok day today but really not doing much (although I've had horrible days when I haven't done much either). This weekend my older sister is coming home and so it's going to be the first time that me and all my sister (I have 3 sisters, no brothers) are going to be together since last xmas. My parents are out of town for a couple of days so it's just us.

 

I'm a little concerned because it's always a little hard when we're all together even though we generally get along really well. There's always a little bit of bickering-where one person is in a bad mood and tries to take it out on other people. I don't want to be the person causing any drama but I wouldn't say I'm in the most emotionally stable state these days.

 

Any ideas on how to keep myself above the fray? Usually I would take time for myself but I feel like I don't want to be doing that when my sister's only here for a short time.

[goodbyesunshine]

Yeah my ex will definitely regret it. It's definitely nice to hear that still. I know that if he were to come running back to me right now I'd still want to take him back. He doesn't deserve me but I still wish he did. I'm just waiting for that time that I feel good enough that I would just say "Pppphhh, take YOU back?"

 

Just hang in there. I think you should be moving on with your life-if he wants to come back he can catch up. And yeah, all of this is exhausting but definitely you get through it.

 

Actually, I had an experience with an ex a couple of years ago. It was LD and we would talk every night. And then at some point he just stopped answering my calls. I was devastated and I couldn't figure out how we could go from talking about marriage to suddenly thinking "am I ever going to talk to this guy again?" I contacted his sister to make sure he was at least ok. I spent weeks and weeks just sobbing. When he finally did get back in touch with me I told him flat out that he needed to step up and act like an adult and break up with me if that's what he wanted. So he broke up with me...and after that I was actually just fine because I had gone through a lot of the worst before the actual break up. It was like this huge relief.

 

I'm not sure what is going to happen with your relationship but I know that no matter what you're going to be fine.

 

 

I know it's going to take lots and lots of time before you can one day tell him "You don't deserve me". But on top of that, I think there must be something more than time. I'm not sure what it is but I suppose one day you will love yourself - the self you have pieced back from the pieces he broke you to - more than you love him/the relationship, and when that day comes you will be ready to firmly reject his offers for reconciliation.

 

I definitely know how it feels to still want him back despite everything. Even when my friends say bad things about him (which they couldn't tell me before), about how he doesn't deserve me/ how unworthy he is, I have to consciously stop myself from defending him. And I know if he shows up somewhere asking for forgiveness, I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

 

Last night I was in bed early (all I want to do these days is sleep), but I couldn't sleep all night because I was angry. I hated him so much and I thought of every scenario I could conjure to show him how much he lost out by letting me suffer. I wanted to hurt him. But, as usual, this morning I woke up and I just wish I could see him.

 

I went out with some friends today and it was good, until I had to get some groceries alone and go home alone. That part was hard, since it's the first time I've been out far from home after this crap happened. But in a way, it was liberating. I got so proud of myself I kind of overspent on shopping!

 

Anyway, all the best and I hope your day goes great! Stay strong!

[penguin23]

I know it's going to take lots and lots of time before you can one day tell him "You don't deserve me". But on top of that, I think there must be something more than time. I'm not sure what it is but I suppose one day you will love yourself - the self you have pieced back from the pieces he broke you to - more than you love him/the relationship, and when that day comes you will be ready to firmly reject his offers for reconciliation.

 

Hi goodbyesunshine-thanks for your reply. I agree that at some point we will all get to that point of not wanting to reconcile. And for me I think you hit it-at some point I'm going to love myself. And feeling that way about myself will make all of this pain and heartbreak worth it. I don't really feel like I don't love myself now but I think it's more of an illusion. It's like I loved myself until this guy (my ex) made it feel like I wasn't good enough--and suddenly that illusion was shattered. So now I have to build it back up but this time make it real instead of an illusion. Not exactly sure how to though.

 

I spent the weekend with my sisters which was better than I thought it would be. I've been trying to figure out what I want my life to be--looking at dream houses, etc and it's been fun. There are so many possibilities.

 

I did have times of being sad but I'm realizing that those times are better than they were just 3 weeks ago. I feel like I can confront how I'm feeling a little more than before. So I'm trying to let myself feel the way I feel and then move on. If I'm sad then that's exactly how I should feel. If I feel hopeless than that's ok too. I can feel those feelings and just remember that I won't always feel like that.