Having a hard time

[goodbyesunshine]

Thank you penguin for your kind words! I posted my long story here, you can read it if you want! Nothing has changed since I posted it. But I read a book which said we all have a part to play in a bad relationship - I admit I did give him pressure regarding his work because he was spending lesser time with me gradually. And sometimes that resulted in unhappiness which caused him to get into the bad moods I mentioned.

 

Right now I really just hope to have some form of "closure". I want to know if there is someone else, or if he plans to go back to his country - anything to tell me why there is three weeks of silence, when he basically said that he's happy with everything going on between us, and it's only work that caused him to be depressed and so he needs time to deal with it. Also I am not even sure where we stand now - he refused to break up with me and when I brought it up he doesn't reply my text. I know it's silly and most likely the "closure" talk would never come. There are some bad days and some good ones. On the bad days I still think he's worth a wait. On good days (which are increasing, yay!) I think he's an a**hole, and I don't need a talk because I'm moving on.

 

Lately I have taken up running at night and it's something I look forward to every day now. I don't know if it would work for you or anyone else who is going through breakup, but I find running or even strolling along a river by my house at night extremely calming. After that, I sit down on a bench, enjoy the wind and try to sort my feelings out regarding everything, or just let my mind run free. It's a wonderful thing and I'd recommend that I hope your therapist has been good for you too, I think it's great that you bring up your ex because this might have something to do with with your feelings at school too, perhaps? How many days NC are you at now, by the way? I suppose you wouldn't know anything going on in his life right now? (I always feel this need to know where he is or what he's doing, ugh. Thank god I have no way of finding out.)

 

Hope your day today will be wonderful and you have activities lined up this weekend

[penguin23]

Hi Goodbyesunshine-It sounds like such a tough situation for you! I think that you should just assume that he doesn't have the guts to break up with you so he's taking the cowards way out and ignoring the situation completely. I don't know if he'll ever get back to you so I think you need to find closure yourself. The closure that you're talking about (knowing if there's someone else, or knowing his plans) isn't closure really. Those are just excuses to keep him somehow in your life-to at least know what's happening. I'm still figuring out what closure is myself but I think that it comes from within (not to sound super cheesy)-when you can be at peace with what's happened and it's fine either way.

 

One nice thing about the break up is that you don't have to give up so much for him. You don't have to go through moving to another country and away from your family.

 

That's great that you're running:) safe safe!

[penguin23]

Oh-I was going to post an update too. I'm a little concerned that I might be stuffing my feelings deep inside and pretending to be ok too much. The fact that my therapist didn't realize how much I'm still hurting from the break up makes me think this but even just generally I think no one would have any idea that I'm dealing with this stuff. Other than being stressed about school I seem to be ok on the outside. But I last night I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted and I'm eating horrible food--things that happen when I'm really struggling.

 

I have a tendency to pretend (even to myself) that everything is ok when it's not. But I don't know how to live in the middle ground. I don't know how to function if I'm not acting like everything is ok-either I'm so upset that I'm basically unable to work or I act fine. I totally believe that if you ignore your feelings they go down to the basement and lift weights. But I don't know what to do with my negative feelings. I can't really function if I wallow in my disappointment/sorrow so I'm just ignoring it.

 

I don't think I ever learned how to express negative emotions. How do you find a balance between expressing your emotions but still functioning?

[goodbyesunshine]

Oh-I was going to post an update too. I'm a little concerned that I might be stuffing my feelings deep inside and pretending to be ok too much. The fact that my therapist didn't realize how much I'm still hurting from the break up makes me think this but even just generally I think no one would have any idea that I'm dealing with this stuff. Other than being stressed about school I seem to be ok on the outside. But I last night I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted and I'm eating horrible food--things that happen when I'm really struggling.

 

I have a tendency to pretend (even to myself) that everything is ok when it's not. But I don't know how to live in the middle ground. I don't know how to function if I'm not acting like everything is ok-either I'm so upset that I'm basically unable to work or I act fine. I totally believe that if you ignore your feelings they go down to the basement and lift weights. But I don't know what to do with my negative feelings. I can't really function if I wallow in my disappointment/sorrow so I'm just ignoring it.

 

I don't think I ever learned how to express negative emotions. How do you find a balance between expressing your emotions but still functioning?

 

I don't either. My friends think I'm healing fine because I don't want them to see the sad side of me all the time and get sick of me. But yesterday I met up with some of my good girlfriends and we just sat down, had coffee and all complain about our relationship problems. And then they realised how sad I really am. And then I realised how sad I really am too.

 

I don't know how good ignoring it will be. For me I try to ignore it most of the day, but at the time I miss him the most, usually at night, I write down stuff that are addressed to him (but not gonna let him see it of course) go for a run and let my mind think about him all it wants, or I write on LS. But once I'm back to "real life" I just try not to think too much about him. I don't know if you've found something - a routine, an activity, or anything - that works for you? Do you mean for the entire day you ignore any sadness and just barge through the day?

 

I think you should talk to your therapist about this, and maybe try to confront these feelings a little. Of course either extreme is bad - ignoring it or getting too upset to do stuff - but I believe there must be some way of letting the negative emotions out for you that works best for you. And some way to learn there is a time you set aside to let things out, talk about it, and after that you go on with life. And then there is Time, which everyone counts on to do wonders to a broken heart - I guess we got to give it some time. But meanwhile definitely let your therapist know about everything, ignoring the pain when you know it's there crying out loud is not healthy.

 

After talking to my friends yesterday, I suddenly feel this strong urge to break NC and get this "let's break up talk" out of him. UGH. My friends are very proactive girls and they say that this talk might just be the pushing factor to let me move on, especially if he admits there is someone else. Would a text after 1 month be okay or is this a case of me clinging on to something that's obviously dead?

[penguin23]

 

After talking to my friends yesterday, I suddenly feel this strong urge to break NC and get this "let's break up talk" out of him. UGH. My friends are very proactive girls and they say that this talk might just be the pushing factor to let me move on, especially if he admits there is someone else. Would a text after 1 month be okay or is this a case of me clinging on to something that's obviously dead?

 

Did you break NC?! I wish I could've responded earlier but my day was crazy today!

 

So if I was a proper LoveShack poster I would say don't break NC under any circumstances but honestly it depends on your motives in breaking NC. If you just want the stamp on the end of the relationship that says "over" then maybe you can get that. But if you're hoping that maybe you can figure things out with him and patch things up then I say don't break it.

 

If you do break NC you have to understand that you might not even get that stamp-he might not even ever get back to you. I had a very similar experience with an ex (I think I wrote a little about it here) and after not hearing from him from weeks I finally called him and basically forced his hand into breaking up with me. And it actually did give me closure-I burst into tears right after and was miserable for a couple of days but it was a relief to have the relationship off life support. By that point I didn't want to be with him anymore because he had been such a jerk but I wanted to call and get him to at least stand up and be honest to me. But I did have to be pretty forceful about even getting that much.

 

If you're wanting to break NC because even a tiny bit you hope that the two of you can get your relationship back on track than I say DON'T DO IT (in caps!). Bad idea to break NC if that's your motive. You're just asking for more heartbreak. If he's already done this much to you you would only be going in for more.

 

So in making that decision be clear with yourself about your motive and if you do decide to break NC then you have to go in with expectations that you might not get anything at all in return.

 

Let us know what's going on! Hope everything is good otherwise.

[goodbyesunshine]

Unfortunately I broke NC a little while after posting that I texted him asking if we are still planning to work this through or let it go (I KNOW!!! I sound pathetic) and.... tadah! He didn't reply me. Big surprise here huh. It was a public holiday yesterday so he wasn't working or busy. Of course he would chicken out on this whole thing like he has been doing all along. He didn't even bother reading the text message (it has been 24 hours), he obviously saw it on his iPhone and just not even read it. I am... at a loss for words. I have since deleted his number from my phone, so from now on there is absolutely no way I can contact him unless I show up at his doorstep, which is not gonna happen!

 

I can't believe he repeatedly does this kind of sh*t. When we first knew each other he kept on telling me the importance of working things out and not sweeping them under the rug or ignoring them and pretending the problems don't exist. He sat me down and actually made me listen to a big speech on that. And now this. Every day I keep realising this is not the man I thought he was. Yesterday was a pathetic back-to-day-1-NC thing. But today is much better, I've got a date tonight and though things don't look all rosy, at least it's not Day 2 NC crying and weeping scenario.

 

How are you holding up? Hope things are better with you

[penguin23]

You don't sound pathetic at all! It's natural to want him to say that he wants to work through this-but you acted decisively and I think that's a good thing. And now you can move on:) Ugh a speech on not sweeping things under the rug? Yuck-especially now that he's done all this!

 

Just be nice to yourself.

 

I'm doing ok. I had a super busy day yesterday-got a lot done but was totally exhausted. The stuff with the ex is still on my mind (I have so many fake conversations/arguments with him!) but it's getting to easier. And I actually meditated 2x yesterday! I used to meditate a lot but I had stopped a while ago and after the break up I had a hard time getting back into it. Strangely enough it happens to be a Sikh meditation book that I had bought 3 years before I met the ex. So after the break up the book felt too close to him-and did hurt a little (after all he dumped me because I'm not Sikh!) but once I got into it it became my meditation again and had nothing to do with him. But right now it does seem ironic/frustrating that my mantra "Wahe guru" is the very one that he SHOULD do if he were actually a "good" Sikh. But alas, he's not the man that I wanted him to be because if he were a "good" Sikh then he wouldn't have treated me the way he has. He's a coward.

[goodbyesunshine]

Wow penguin you actually sound like you are getting better, especially with getting all those feelings out, I hope this is the case! And I know how you feel, so many things seem to be connected to our ex-es, but I realise once I take the first step it's not so hard to dissociate it from him. Baby steps

 

And meditation is something I've been interested in, my mum is a Buddhist and she used to bring me to her meditation classes when I was young. I can imagine it would be very useful for healing! Btw, what's "Wahe guru"?

 

I just went on a date. Read about how people miss their ex even more after a date and I was so worried the entire day, I nearly backed out so many times! Glad I went ahead though. Nothing might come out of it, but it's a great start and I had a nice conversation Bad thing is... I tend be more interested in people who are pretty similar to my ex. Sign that I'm still not ready to date maybe? Haha.

[penguin23]

I took it easy today (ie did absolutely nothing!). Not really a good thing when I have stuff to finish up at school so I can finally get out of that horrible place but maybe I needed the break.

 

You should definitely try meditation!! It really does help:) I use the book Meditation as Medicine and I've found that I really like a lot of the meditations in the book. Everyone always thinks that you have to clear your mind when you meditate but this book got rid of that notion. According to the author "wahe guru" is the "Mantra of Ecstasy" and means "Out of darkness, into light." But there seem to be a lot of different ways of translating it-it's like saying God's name I guess. Either way I still like the mantra. It was part of my ex's computer password- I feel like I'm using it the way it was intended to be used so there, ex. (I'm obviously still a little uncomfortable using it. But I'm going to keep going with it.)

 

Wow! I'm so impressed you went on a date. I seriously think that I would be really awkward on a date right now. Dates are super stressful for me anyway and right now I might just start talking about my ex (which of course is a big nooo!). Yeah, I'm not ready.

 

I think in general people have a certain "type" that they keep going to. I'm definitely attracted to guys with big shoulders, very masculine looking and not that tall. All 3 of my serious exes had that physical description-they were really similar looking but 3 different races/ethnicities. But then on top of that they also had the tendency to be closed off emotionally-which I think is something I probably seek out. I would like to be attracted to guys that are more open emotionally but oh well.

 

What kind of guys are you interested in usually?

[goodbyesunshine]

My school is starting in 2 days, have so much work to finish but I can't seem to get started! Just lying around doing nothing and reading LS - not very good.

 

Hope you don't mind if I ask you more about the meditation - how long do you spend on it? What do you think about? Do you think I could do it on the train? I take 4-hour train rides a day when I have school and I don't know what to do with all that time! I'm glad to know it's helpful. The calming jogs I took every day for the past weeks have stopped ever since I broke NC. For some reason I feel so sad at night I can't bring myself out for a run. I just hate how his indifference crushes me. But this will definitely change today, I'm determined to get back on track because ironically everyone has been telling me how amazing I look after this break up!

 

My type of guys - if you have watched How I Met Your Mother, my type is actually like Marshall Eriksen. Haha. The big, goofy, loveable man (who loves his girlfriend so much!!), smart but sometimes just so silly. My ex was kind of different though - he is a very mild, gentle and sweet person, just looking for a happy life with a lot of love to give. I didn't even like him at first, I was very emotionally cut off because of a bad experience. But I let him in because he was so determined, he actually tried every way he could to assure me he'd always be there (LIES!!!), and he gave me so much love and support. This is why I loved him so much and trusted him, but slowly the determined man faded away to become a weak and fragile person who just gives up easily. It's so disappointing when it turns out he's just putting on some front to "get" me.

 

The date yesterday was okay - had a good time talking. I know it wouldn't amount to anything though, not too much chemistry. I couldn't sleep last night because I had so much on my mind all of a sudden, all the "WHY"s and "HOW COULD YOU"s came back, all the wondering if he'd come back... And then I also concluded I am definitely not ready for something serious soon. All in all... Feeling a lot of anger, confusion, and still waiting for everything to get better.

 

As for emotionally cut off guys that you are attracted to... Very dangerous indeed. However there's never any way to tell who they might turn out to be - the best guy ever might turn out to be a jerk after 20 years. I tend to avoid the types I used to date and find the exact opposite, hoping they would turn out different. My conclusion is that ANYONE can screw you over, there's just no telling what type is good and what's bad! I guess we just pray for the best. Right now I'm back to the "I just wanna be alone for the rest of my life to avoid this pain" period

[penguin23]

My school is starting in 2 days, have so much work to finish but I can't seem to get started! Just lying around doing nothing and reading LS - not very good.

 

Hope you don't mind if I ask you more about the meditation - how long do you spend on it? What do you think about? Do you think I could do it on the train? I take 4-hour train rides a day when I have school and I don't know what to do with all that time! I'm glad to know it's helpful. The calming jogs I took every day for the past weeks have stopped ever since I broke NC. For some reason I feel so sad at night I can't bring myself out for a run. I just hate how his indifference crushes me. But this will definitely change today, I'm determined to get back on track because ironically everyone has been telling me how amazing I look after this break up!

 

My type of guys - if you have watched How I Met Your Mother, my type is actually like Marshall Eriksen. Haha. The big, goofy, loveable man (who loves his girlfriend so much!!), smart but sometimes just so silly. My ex was kind of different though - he is a very mild, gentle and sweet person, just looking for a happy life with a lot of love to give. I didn't even like him at first, I was very emotionally cut off because of a bad experience. But I let him in because he was so determined, he actually tried every way he could to assure me he'd always be there (LIES!!!), and he gave me so much love and support. This is why I loved him so much and trusted him, but slowly the determined man faded away to become a weak and fragile person who just gives up easily. It's so disappointing when it turns out he's just putting on some front to "get" me.

 

The date yesterday was okay - had a good time talking. I know it wouldn't amount to anything though, not too much chemistry. I couldn't sleep last night because I had so much on my mind all of a sudden, all the "WHY"s and "HOW COULD YOU"s came back, all the wondering if he'd come back... And then I also concluded I am definitely not ready for something serious soon. All in all... Feeling a lot of anger, confusion, and still waiting for everything to get better.

 

As for emotionally cut off guys that you are attracted to... Very dangerous indeed. However there's never any way to tell who they might turn out to be - the best guy ever might turn out to be a jerk after 20 years. I tend to avoid the types I used to date and find the exact opposite, hoping they would turn out different. My conclusion is that ANYONE can screw you over, there's just no telling what type is good and what's bad! I guess we just pray for the best. Right now I'm back to the "I just wanna be alone for the rest of my life to avoid this pain" period

 

How was the first day of school, Goodbyesunshine? I hope it was good:)

 

I've been doing ok. I think about the ex/the situation constantly but it's like it's at a lower volume which is much more livable. I'm not bursting into tears as soon as I walk into my apartment (that went on for awhile!). Trying to slowly wean myself of LoveShack. I really love coming here but as I start healing I don't want to overdue it. (It has been months and months since the break up).

 

I'm starting to figure out what it means to process emotions. I'm still learning in tiny baby steps but it's making a little more sense now. Basically I wouldn't allow myself to feel negative emotions before-I tried to pretend they don't exist. So now I'm learning that emotions that hurt are just as valid as the ones that make us feel good. And when I don't express them, I store them in my body so that I end up with physical problems instead. It's been a long process to get to this understanding...next up is actually knowing what to do with it.

 

Goodbyesunshine-you asked about the meditation. Yes! I think it would be perfect for that long train ride. You probably wouldn't do it the whole time but I find it so absolutely wonderful. Be aware that sometimes emotions that we've tried to suppress can come up-so just know that you might end up weeping (that's only happened once to me). But people are so anonymous on the train so that would probably be ok.

 

One of the easier meditations is just breathing in for 5 seconds, holding it for 5 seconds and then breathing out for 5 seconds-you could do that for however long you want. Another is breathing in, holding as long as you can, and then breathing out and holding it out as long as you can. That's only 3-5 minutes. And basically any mantra (a saying that you repeat in your head) that speaks to you is a good mantra. I use "wahe guru" (pronounced "wa-hey goo-roo") partly because those aren't words from a language I know so I find my brain doesn't go off on tangents as easily as it would if my mantra were in English.

 

With meditation you don't need to "clear" your mind. I find the counting to 5 for that first meditation (and the mantras for others) keep my brain occupied enough so that it's not all over the place. But know that it will wander and it will probably wander to the ex. When you realize your mind has wandered just gently guide it back to the counting or repeating the mantra. Internal chatter is basically non-stop for most people--when you realize you're mind is wandering be really nice to yourself and just turn back to the meditation.

 

I usually meditate 10-30 minutes but you could seriously meditate your entire trip if you wanted. I don't think that I could meditate that long...but you could probably work your way up to it:) Let me know if you have any other questions!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin, good to hear you are slowly moving along and away from the pain. I think it's definitely a sign of healing if you start wanting to live your life rather than focus on this incident and discussing about it. I only wish I could do that, right now I am still finding much solace in LS. I hope you do get better at coping with your emotions and I'm very sure they will slowly subside and things will get better!

 

Thank you for the advice on meditation, I'm going to try it on the train today, I hope people don't hear my exaggerated breathing and freak out

 

School has been okay but it brings back so much memories of him although he's not in any way related to my school. I guess waiting around for classes makes me miss him very much. Recently the pain seems to be getting worse. Things have been happening again... His landlady sent me a message on facebook asking me what happened between us, I guess it might have something to do with that? I am becoming insomniac, and seem to be feeling even more hopeless than ever. The only things going on my mind that change my mood - feeling happier (2% of the time) when I think he might just come back when he realises his mistake, and feeling depressed (98% of the time) when I think he'll just move on without ever contacting me again. All my emotions are about him, it's ridiculous, tiring and wearing me out!

 

Sorry this turned out to be a long rambling post, it's been almost a month since we contacted and I feel like I should be moving on somehow and that's just not happening. In any case I hope to try meditating and I hope it helps! Will update you about how it goes

[penguin23]

Hi Goodbyesunshine-

At some point you'll feel better, keep faith. Remember that my break up happened awhile ago now...when I first started posting on LS it had already been something like 3 months or 4. And I found LS because I was having such an incredibly hard time dealing with things. I definitely spent the first month 100% totally sad...and most nights I cried myself to sleep. And most evenings I just wept and wept. Everyone's on their own timeline in terms of healing anyway, but I've only gotten to this point after quite a bit of time.

 

No worries on the breathing during meditation...you can breathe normally too They don't have to be any kind of crazy deep breaths or anything. My breathing actually becomes very relaxed and quiet when I meditate.

 

I would just send a quick reply to the landlady. And yeah, things like that are always hard. People are just interested and don't realize it hurts. I think that sometimes when stuff gets harder or busier (like starting school again) that the pain starts coming back again too. Just remind yourself that you won't always feel like this. And even if you start crying at school don't be too hard on yourself. You're healing still and that's totally normal. I've totally started crying about my ex in all sorts of random places...and sometimes people ask (and then you just say "oh, i just went through a hard break up") but usually they don't.

 

For me, the pain still comes and it's still really tough and sad but I can live with it. Before it felt like it would crush me. So I'm still healing and I still have a ways to go but I do feel better overall. Still sometimes cry at night though. It's all a process. A sucky process but one that eventually we move through.

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! Thanks for your reply. I read on a website that it's good post-breakup to come up with a list of things you disliked about your ex, everything from day 1 to post break-up, and I did that last night. They said to put the list in a place you see everyday, and keep adding and going through it. I did that last night and felt much happier, but I know it's only temporary.

 

I tried meditating. It is good. I have a little balcony at my house where my mum has filled with plants a little fountain and garden benches. I felt so happy and relaxed there, it was just amazing. It lifted my spirits up for at least a couple of hours. I think it definitely would be good for me overall in the long run to keep doing this. I exercise as much as I can and sleep few hours so I can fall asleep once I hit the bed without tossing around and crying. It's very tiring through the day but it's the best solution so far.

 

It must have been a tough few months for you. I suppose your relationship went on much longer than mine, so the pain must be doubly worse. I can't imagine I can take much more of this, it's absolutely draining and if I had a career I'm very sure I would have destroyed it with my moodiness and inability to concentrate by now. Thankfully school has just started, though I have skipped any late classes because I can't seem to function outside for longer than 5 hours, and I have to be at home when night falls or the pain just shoots up and starts doing crazy things. The weirdest little habits start forming.

 

I feel so drained emotionally and physically by now that I really look up to all the people who have been so badly hurt but still live through it like yourself. It gives me the motivation to hang in there and believe that this pain will go away. Thanks for all your kind words and updates, they are something I have always looked forward to reading

[penguin23]

Hi penguin! Thanks for your reply. I read on a website that it's good post-breakup to come up with a list of things you disliked about your ex, everything from day 1 to post break-up, and I did that last night. They said to put the list in a place you see everyday, and keep adding and going through it. I did that last night and felt much happier, but I know it's only temporary.

 

I tried meditating. It is good. I have a little balcony at my house where my mum has filled with plants a little fountain and garden benches. I felt so happy and relaxed there, it was just amazing. It lifted my spirits up for at least a couple of hours. I think it definitely would be good for me overall in the long run to keep doing this. I exercise as much as I can and sleep few hours so I can fall asleep once I hit the bed without tossing around and crying. It's very tiring through the day but it's the best solution so far.

 

It must have been a tough few months for you. I suppose your relationship went on much longer than mine, so the pain must be doubly worse. I can't imagine I can take much more of this, it's absolutely draining and if I had a career I'm very sure I would have destroyed it with my moodiness and inability to concentrate by now. Thankfully school has just started, though I have skipped any late classes because I can't seem to function outside for longer than 5 hours, and I have to be at home when night falls or the pain just shoots up and starts doing crazy things. The weirdest little habits start forming.

 

I feel so drained emotionally and physically by now that I really look up to all the people who have been so badly hurt but still live through it like yourself. It gives me the motivation to hang in there and believe that this pain will go away. Thanks for all your kind words and updates, they are something I have always looked forward to reading

 

Aww I'm glad that you like hearing from me I feel like I'm totally boring! (And today I'm going to be especially rambling). But it's better to be boring than to feel like my world is crashing all around me.

 

But things actually ok! Yay!! I think I've gotten to the point now that everyday is a little better than the day before. Still some moments are tough but I've lived through so much worse--and it used to be a roller coaster of emotion. Now I'm a little steadier. Last night I had a "conversation" with my ex...that is...I was there and he wasn't. I literally would say stuff out loud and really felt like he was hearing everything (he's 1000 miles away and I have no plans to ever talk to him again!). It was all stuff that I've said before but I feel so much more stable so those same ideas mean much more to me now. I had conviction behind my words (and felt like he heard them). One of the things that I really understood fully last night was that it was never that I couldn't live up to his expectations/hopes (or even his parents). Really, he couldn't live up to my expectations. He was the one that failed and was so much less of a man that he should have been. And I can live with that. Before that was devastating but it's ok now.

 

And that kind of brings me to my biggest lesson in all of this so far. I'm hurt fairly often, especially when I do something loving/nice for someone else. It's like I'm reaching out and saying to the person (by my actions) "I see the humanity in you, and I think you're really special." And I do those things just wanting to be a good friend/sister/girlfriend/etc and I don't want anything in return. But then I don't get anything in return and I'm hurt. It's not fair to the other person for one thing and it just sucks for me. It ends up feeling like the person is saying that I'm not important enough, that I don't matter enough.

 

For instance, I drove about 700 miles with a friend of mine recently when she was changing schools (after she graduated from mine). I didn't need to go with her but I thought that she needed me and I felt like doing that was something a good friend should do. But she was a total jerk to me the whole time. Just totally bratty. I was miserable. And really hurt. It felt like she didn't see that I had helped her out so it felt like I wasn't important enough for her recognition.

 

I used to think that I just needed thicker skin but I've realized that I'm the one that has to know that I'm special. I should be the one to turn around to myself and say "I see the humanity in you, and I think you're really special." And then if I still think the other person should treat me better, I can say something, otherwise I can just let it go and not have it affect me on a deeper level.

 

See? Rambling:) But I think it's good to realize that break ups can be really good opportunities to learn more and live a better and happier life (after some healing and maybe soul searching). My first break up was probably more traumatic for me but it's good to see that I'm still learning.

 

Goodbyesunshine, lists are awesome to write! Helps to keep in my mind that the ex wasn't perfect (and clearly he wasn't, he broke up with you!). I'm glad the meditating is working for you! It can really be great. I'm sorry that you're having trouble sleeping...I definitely was keeping up as late as possible so I would be exhausted so I could just fall asleep immediately. That's tough because when you're tired it's even harder to deal emotionally. I sometimes listen to recordings to help me fall asleep. I'll figure out what they are and let you know. Keep hanging in there. It does get easier. Oooh and you seem interested in trying to work through all this-I got this book a couple of weeks ago about break ups. It has all sorts of exercises (like writing that list) that you're supposed to do. I haven't started but I'm going to work on it this weekend and let you know. It got 4.5/5 on Amazon so I have high hopes!

 

Have a good day! I'm off to the lab to practice for a practical exam tomorrow. Going to graduate in 2 weeks (hopefully)!

[penguin23]

Ugh practice sucked. It made me feel like I don't know what I'm doing. It didn't help that I kept thinking about the ex. Grrrr. I was getting angry. I am angry. I think when I'm stressed I start thinking about him more. I'm going to try to be optimistic about my test tomorrow. The guy who is grading me is super nice and I think I'll just tell him how nervous I am.

 

I'm tired of recovering from this break up. I just want to fast forward through it. I'm getting better but it's still a process. I think I'll write in my journal and try to get my emotions out that way.

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! Sorry to hear this is not getting better, I too think of my ex very frequently when I get stressed out. Had some intensive thinking to do and write a paper the other day for schoolwork, and that night I broke down many times, couldn't concentrate and took 2-3 days just to recover from it Having been through that I know there is nothing much that can be done to help you, except maybe to tell you to be strong and get through this, keep telling yourself that once this is over you'll be free! Just keep looking forward! Oh also - yes your words have really inspired and cheered me up immensely, especially since I read them every morning before school - one of the most depressing moments (isn't waking up is one of the most depressing thing now that we lost them? I wake up every morning hopeless and sad and I feel like there is a giant boulder crushing my chest! Haha). You are anything but boring! Your words are insightful and have really helped me along the way. Just know that you are not alone in this. I think writing a journal will help greatly, but a suggestion is perhaps you can guide your mind towards how this break up is good rather than reminiscing the good times and how much you miss him? I realise that by now the second option just depresses me out for the rest of the day. When I read it the next day, even if I am feeling slightly better, I get sad again. Writing about how good this is for you and how much you have healed is more optimistic and hopeful and I suppose that is what we need now. Of course I don't know if it will work for you - either way, writing everything down can be very helpful, or you can just type everything out here too!

 

I completely agree with you on the fact that he is the one who hasn't been able to live up to your expectations. It's obvious you have done everything you can, and he has been making all the wrong decisions and choices. I think you're a 'giver', in relationships and friendships alike, and I know what it's like because I am one too. I frequently feel like what I am doing is not enough, and one of my best friends pointed out that it is so easy for other people to manipulate my feelings just by telling me that what I give is not enough, that I am insufficient, and SNAP! - I run after them giving them everything and more because I feel terrible for being "a bad friend" (one of my friends actually said that to me - "you're such a bad friend, can't you just do this for me?" - and I believed it and did all her favours for her). Also, penguin, I didn't see it as rambling because I can really relate to it! I haven't got to the point where I know how to change this, if you do have any ideas maybe we can share notes Though when I read the incident about you driving your friend around, I thought it was more of a case of you being too nice a person in general. People take advantage of that when they know they can get away with it. I'd say pick your friends wisely, I'm sure there are people who will appreciate it rather than take advantage of it.

 

I suppose this quality will also affect our relationships. I feel like overtime maybe our partners treat us so badly because they know they can get away with it. Or maybe I'm giving them too much credit - maybe they are just a**holes in general

 

All the best for your exam tomorrow! I'm sure you will be fine, just relax and don't be too nervous or have too many negative thoughts about tomorrow! Tell me how it went, and also do update me on the book, I'm searching for a book that can really help with the whole moving on Good luck!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hey penguin. Since I basically typed my entire love story on your thread... I thought I would update you on what happened today.

 

I haven't deleted my "ex" from facebook because he doesn't update it anyway, his profile is really dead. Today I went on facebook and I saw him online, which shocked me because it has never happened before. Before I could stop myself, my stalker mode switched on and I typed to him the anger I've been feeling this past few days - I said I know he is ignoring me on purpose, and I don't understand why he had to let everything get so ugly.

 

I regretted it within 5 seconds and went out for lunch. An hour later, he texted me. I have deleted his number so it came as a shock. This is what he sent me - "I seriously need some time ok. Living here and having a family is not an easy thing. Forget about all the other uncomfortable things we might have to go through. I make strong and firm decisions in my life and I will live it out no matter what. I respect you and I would never walk away from you. I know I have been silent. It’s just that I am totally confused. I need you but I don’t know how to keep you and the same time respect this country. I don’t know what might come out of my mouth when I talk with you. It just happens. Now I asked you to move away with me, I know it was selfish but I just couldn’t handle the stuff in office. I am sorry I hurt you over the last few weeks. I really feel bad after all that I did. I don’t know if you will forgive me. I dragged you into this relationship and I promise I won’t be the one leaving you."

 

I replied saying I am disappointed with how he handled everything towards the end, and sort of ranted off about how much he has hurt me (something I have not mentioned before to him. I had to summarise like 2000 words of anger into a message). He replied again, he became a little defensive I think, saying he has been living alone for the past 4 years and that he has to handle everything and solve his problems alone. He said he isn't running away from this ("I thought I would, but I'm not the kind of person who runs away when there is a problem".) Then he asked me not to let this affect my college grades. I was really angry that he still did not want to act on this, so I decided not to reply, I have since deleted his number again and do not plan on replying because I don't know what to say since all he is saying is basically he needs MORE time...

 

Still very confused about where this is all going and what to do. I know the logical thing is to move on with my life, but before this, I moved on thinking he's never coming back (hence maybe speeding up the process). But now I have read his messages and I know he hasn't given up... And I start to ask myself if it is worth it. And even if I do move on it might be with the mentality that he will one day come back.

 

Sorry for posting that story here on your thread, I just really had to get it out somewhere

[penguin23]

omg!!! sorry i didn't see your post until just now! of course you can post anything here:)

 

I've been having a rough couple of days. Not so much because of the ex but just all the stress from school. I have to leave in a couple of minutes for yet another practical exam ugh. It's going to be a long day. I am still upset about the ex though...started dreaming about him almost every night which seriously sucks.

 

It sounds like your ex is stringing you along. I'm not sure he means to be horrible like that but the truth is that he has been running away from his problems....even if he won't admit it to himself. People will make themselves believe almost anything! The fact that he can't accept that he has run already ("I thought I would"??!?!) shows how confused he is about so many other things. The problem is that he's not dealing with his issues...and that's hurting you so much.

 

You've kind of proved why NC is good for healing. He tried to reset the clock to zero. But you have to realize that he doesn't really have the power. He basically tried to say, "I'd like to continue stringing you along with false hope because I can't deal with any of my problems with any courage or honesty." But where's that get you? Nowhere. Why would you want to continue being strung along by a guy that can't even be honest to himself?

 

I say you were right in going back to NC. Good that you erased his number, you can erase him from fb too. I haven't erased my ex yet there....and each time I log onto fb it's like a little jab in the heart being worried that I'll see he's married. But seeing that he's married wouldn't change anything. And talking to your ex for you doesn't change anything either. He's trying to keep you in this holding pattern, you have to be the one to leave it.

 

Stay in NC, keep moving forward with your life. And just so you know, all that time in NC is NOT down the drain. Each time it gets a little easier to stay in NC. And at some point you can stop counting the days:) Goodbyesunshine I know it's hard to hear from the ex but I know how strong you've already been through all of this. You'll do just fine:)

 

PS And I will too...I just need to get through these horrible 2 weeks

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin,

 

How was your practical? I hope your exams are going well Hang in there, two weeks later when all this is over you can concentrate on getting better and doing things to keep yourself occupied! Do you have any plans after school? Going for a holiday or anything?

 

An update since the other day: I ignored his text, and later at night he sent me a couple of messages asking me questions he used to ask me everyday (how am I, how's my dog, what time I am sleeping). I guess I shouldn't have, but I did reply, some short answers. Haven't heard from him since then. I feel like he's just throwing me some messages out of sympathy? Like "oh poor girl you still miss me. Well, here's some concern, take it and be grateful, but don't expect more effort than this."

 

I don't know why but the next day I just changed from missing him and wanting him so badly to being really, really angry. It took awhile to sink in. How useless his explanation was. How he has zero intention of fixing it now. And how hard can sending a few messages to your girlfriend a day be hard?? He actually said all this "new responsibilities" of a real relationship is one of the reason this happened. WHAT responsibilities?? I'm not even asking him to buy a house or get married. We're just hanging out on weekends at his rented place or watch a movie. UGH. The anger really helps with the moving on. You're right, he's just stringing me along and expecting me to be lying around waiting and pining for him until one day he decides to pick his sh*t up and waltz back here, knowing I'll be where he left me. He didn't even bother telling me all these stuff (about wanting us to still be together) a month ago when he left me like that. He just disappeared from my life, no explanations, and ignored me for a month before I begged this out of him. I just hate him so much thinking of all this. And this anger is so new to me because for the past month I have been like a panting dog, running after him, showing him love and attention and begging him to come back, missing him, missing everything we had. I was willing to compromise everything just for him to come back.

 

But now I just think of how badly he handled this "stress" (or so he claims). I'm not sure I want to be with someone who can do that to me. It's just pure cruelty. Someone who is so self-centred that he cannot even see how much he has hurt others. Everything he has said in his own defence is the exact opposite of what he's doing, it's such denial it disgusts me. I am starting to wonder what I saw in him that made me hang on so crazily.

 

I'll stick to your advice. It's NC all the way from here. Until he specifically asks to work things out (which I am pretty sure will come, but not going to count on it). And then I will go and tell him how he screwed up and say no thanks and goodbye. So far the anger has gone down quite a bit, but it looks like it has no intention of leaving. I have moved on so much it's surprising. I found myself being able to go for long moments without thinking of him. And even when I do remember him all of a sudden, maybe out of habit now, I just scoff and feel annoyed.

 

I'll still be hanging around this thread though, would love to hear from you after your exams and see how everything goes when you've graduated too thanks for your advice as well, I feel like typing this out is always a moment of truthful contemplation (8am in school, with no one around!) Good luck for your practical exam, just give it your best shot, I'm sure everything will be okay!

[penguin23]

Hi Goodbyesunshine:) Good to hear from you!

 

You are totally right about your ex (I'm still calling him that even though he seems to think that a relationship can consist of ignoring you for weeks). He's just stringing you along and when you beg for some he'll send you some crumbs. Such an a$$. Sorry, but you totally deserve someone who will treat you better!!!!

 

And I'm guessing he's going to try to contact you again pretty soon...I would say NC until he shows up at your doorstep begging. And then you can tell him to go away. The denial is crazy and all he's going to be doing is asking you to buy into his denial.

 

Just keep moving forward. You'll probably have lots of ups and downs and probably want to contact him again....but if you do, write on LS and wait for an answer! There were so many times that I was absolutely positive that I SHOULD contact my ex but then asked on LS and you guys showed me why that wouldn't be great. And sometimes I had to wait quite a while but that helped me have more perspective on whatever I wanted to write him about.

 

Btw, it's always difficult to hear from the ex no matter what he says. I'm so impressed with how you've handled it! Seriously, I think what you've been doing is great:)

 

Thanks for asking about my practical. I basically have to get signed off on a practical at school all the time right now but that was one I was dreading. Used to make me cry in 2nd year (it's a 4 year program). But I did not cry haha. What a great way to judge a test..."did you cry? well, if you didn't cry then it was ok." It was good actually, I was just so nervous. Just a couple more things then I'll be done...and have to find a job and move cross country (that's been my plan for awhile). Excited about working and moving but it's going to be a big undertaking!

 

 

I have been dreaming about the ex but none of the dreams are horrible. And last night I had a super sexy guy kiss me in a dream. I have no idea who the guy was but he was sexy (and I've never had a sex dream....so a kiss is about as steamy as it gets for me!). It was nice to wake up and realize that I'm going to be just fine with everything-a couple of weeks ago I would've been upset that some random guy showed up in a dream but now it just makes me happy.

 

And I'm starting to think of the ex a lot less during the day. I swam across a pond with my dad the other day and the whole way across I didn't think about him. I didn't think about him until the way back when I thought, "wow, I haven't thought about the ex this whole time!" haha way to break the streak. But it was about 40 minutes of swimming and my dad and I didn't talk at all really. So that is something! On the way home my dad started talking about all the new muscle cars on the road now and I mentioned that my ex got a Camaro. I hesitated before I said it because it can be awkward talking about my ex with my dad...but my dad mentioned that his grandmother's last car (when she was 91!) was a Camaro. Totally made my day-knowing that my 91 year old (now dead) greatgrandmother and my lame ex had/have the same car (especially since he's so proud of it!). Ah. Laughing at my ex's expense. Feels so good:)

 

Ok, I'm going to feed my fish. He's surprisingly still alive:) Keep us updated Goodbyesunshine!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! Glad that your practical went okay, sounds like you are getting along much better without the ex! Good to know you've had dreams of hot guys other than him, maybe it's your mind telling you "WHAT EX?? I demand a hottie!" And I know what you mean, I woke up today not feeling sad about my ex. It was a miracle! Usually I am totally depressed when I wake up, but today it took me a few minutes before I realised I wasn't thinking of him. And the past 2 days I've had so many moments of "Omg did I just go for 20 minutes without thinking of him??? Awesome!" A big progress considering he was on my mind all the time, awake or asleep. I think it's wonderful that we both have moments like that, I'm sure even those moments of realisation will start decreasing and one day we will stop thinking of them completely. Other than an odd thought or two, but by then it's more of "pffft. His loss. Look at me now!!!" Let's just look forward to that

 

The anger towards my ex (yup, I too think he is "ex" no matter what he deceives himself into thinking) has gone down by now. Yesterday night I was slightly sad, but then I kept reminding myself why this is a good thing. And not replying to him when he comes back begging, which I agree might possibly happen in a few months - that is going to be really hard. I'm still trying to prepare myself for NC during that period he comes back, but it's a little hard to convince myself to do so. I'd be lying if I said I am not going to enjoy seeing him put up a good fight for me and then tell him off for all the hurt he caused me. Although I think he's not going to make TOO much effort trying to win me back. He's too self-absorbed for that now. But hopefully by then I feel indifferent enough not to care what he does or say (since they say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference... I'm working towards that!)

 

I hope your sleep has been more peaceful and/or filled with hot guys At least your dreams about your ex are not about you guys reconciling, are they? I guess it's just the stressful period, once your school is over I suppose you'd be much more relaxed and you can spend time keeping your mind occupied with new experiences and fun activities. And once again good luck with everything at school, penguin!

[penguin23]

I hate school so much. 1 week until either I graduate or I have to stay another semester. The whole place is so traumatic and horrible. The red tape that we have to get through is ridiculous. And the stress is definitely making me think of the my ex more. And also there's this random Sikh girl at school who every time I see her I think of how he's going to be getting married sometime soon and it's just pissing me off.

 

I'm just so pissed off these days....and I'm not really working out because my back has been hurting. So I either spend my time out side of school stretching...or eating ice cream. Not great.

 

I'm just so entirely over all of this. Sorry. It's kind of horrible right now. Goodbyesunshine I hope you're doing better:)

[goodbyesunshine]

I'm feeling much better, thank you! Been filling my schedule up with school and lots of outings with my friends. I had a day or two of really bad days due to school stress from not getting any courses I need to graduate in time, and those days made me think of my ex more. I completely understand what you're going through, I really do hope you feel better, especially since it's only less than two weeks away! Just keep looking ahead, penguin! All the best for everything in school, just keep going and remind yourself that you will get out of this horrible place once you complete this final lap Remember to take good care of your health too though. Also with the anger you're feeling - not sure if you're embracing or rejecting it, I hope it's not affecting you too negatively. It's beyond your control when and who he gets married to now, don't let his warped decisions make you stay back a semester! Wish I could offer you some encouragement in real life, but I can only send my support through these words, so good luck and all the best! Don't give up!

[Occu3.14'd]

Hey Penguin23.

 

I think I've figured it all out.

 

Apparently there was something in the water in Massachusetts in July, causing all sorts of heartbreak.

 

Just ask me, 2MuchLove, and a few others.

 

:laugh::laugh: