Having a hard time

[penguin23]

Hey guys! Thanks for your words of encouragement Goodbyesunshine! And Occu3.14'd I totally agree! I know so many people around here with the same problem. I actually went out to dinner with a friend from school last night-she and her bf of 4 years had broken up last month so I was expecting her to be totally downcast. But she was so incredibly cheerful-I think that for her the relationship made her feel stuck. I just have to remember that everyone has their own thing to get through and it's not a competition for who feels better first. It was nice to talk to her. We talked about both of our exes-and I have to say that I have healed quite a bit. I'm still a little in shock about what happened between me and my ex but I'm able to talk about it without feeling like my world is crumbling. Yay! Progress!

 

And today has been going well at school:) Thank God! I was so stressed. It's not over and I'm only home for lunch but the people I needed to come in were there and really nice so now it's only a matter of paperwork. It still feels very overwhelming but at least now I feel like it's doable.

 

Thanks for writing to me:) This weekend was really tough and reading your notes made me feel good.

 

PS My phone called my ex by mistake this morning (well, it was my mistake but I'm blaming my phone;)). I happened to just scroll through my phone and went to my "favorites" and even though I had erased my ex's number it was still logged in at the bottom of my "favorites" without a name. It was listed twice for the videochat. So I erased the first one but my thumb slipped on the 2nd and it started calling him. Ooops. There was momentary panic and I think I hung up on time but it's possible I'll be hearing from him. Doubt it though. Even still, I still think randomly that he's going to contact me for other reasons. It makes my stomach drop so it's almost like my mind trying to scare myself. He probably isn't going to contact me ever again thank God so I should just ignore these kinds of things.

[goodbyesunshine]

Hey penguin, hope you're doing okay with school and the ex! Did he call you back? Clear that number off your phone! Also, good to know things are looking up and you're hanging out with positive and happy people Just less than a week to go and you'll be free. Be strong and keep yourself focused on what's important - graduating!

 

My ex came to look for me last night at my place. Turns out he's been texting me for about 10 days thinking I was just ignoring him - I didn't receive them because I changed my phone. He asked me to forgive him and he apologised for everything, and he asked to get back together. I'm still in a state of shock, I haven't given him a reply. He was sincere and reassuring and I know he regrets it, but that whole disappearing act still scares me very much. Not helping that my parents and friends hate him to the core.

 

I'm still confused but I'll take my time to think this through. Just trying not to be too bitter or make rash decisions. My friend said I sounded more vengeful and bitter than happy.

 

I know you're busy with everything in school though, just an update, I hope you're doing fine And you're right, different people feel differently and heal at different paces, just make sure you take all the time you need to get over him and get on with your fabulous graduated life

[penguin23]

Wow! Quite a development for you. Definitely take your time thinking it through. There's no need to rush into a decision. It sounds like your parents and friends think that you deserve better-and I think you do too! But I hope you make your own decision. Maybe you could make a pros and cons list? And if you want to post on here about it, definitely do! Would love to hear your ideas and if you want some other outside opinions we're always here (but I don't want to overreach and give my opinions without you asking:))

 

Schools going ok, thanks! I've been sleeping horribly but I guess that's understandable. Cried about the ex last night for the first time in awhile-and that's coming from a couple of months ago when walking home I would have to hold my breath to keep from weeping in the streets. I'm still sad about what he did but it's getting much better:) Even the crying felt manageable.

 

My friend just called to talk about her break up (wow-I know so many people going through break ups) and she's in a position that made me feel good about where I am. She's generally fine about her break up but is worried that this guy was "as good as it gets" and maybe she should just settle with him. He's ok but he doesn't engage with life. And even though I kind of envy her position of getting to settle down with this guy if she wants, I do like the fact that I've gotten to a place that I can be happy just being happy. I was forced into a place that I had to think like that...but now that I'm there it feels good. So instead of worrying that I'll never find a guy and that in 10 years I'll be a single woman in her early 40s with no prospects, I'm more concerned of what's going to make me happy. I just want to be happy now, and right now (even with tons and tons of stress) I feel like I'm generally happy with my life. It's not perfect but it's getting better.

 

It looks like with a bit of luck I'm going to be able to finish by this Friday!! School has been such a horrible experience and I'm really looking forward to being finished. Can't wait!

 

Goodbyesunshine-definitely let us know what's going on! (if you want;))

[goodbyesunshine]

I read somewhere that often we are given situations which we cannot change, and so the only thing we can change is how we react to it. I know it's not much, but I feel like it really is true, and I think it really applies to us because we are both stuck in situations where we have not been given any chances to choose what we really want, they basically made their decisions and we live with the pain. I know it's not easy being okay with it, much less being happy. Don't worry about whether you find a guy, because like I said, you definitely sound like a smart and wonderful person any guy would be lucky to have

 

I'd love to hear from you actually, especially because you can see this more objectively than my friends and family. They are in two extremes - my family hates him, some of my friends too, but a couple of them think I'm just being spoilt and bitter and vengeful, and I should get back with him ASAP.

 

If I do get back with him, yes there will be bitterness, insecurity, fear of being hurt again... Also I made a list of why he isn't good enough, and I actually do believe in that list of things. Also, we quarrelled a lot because he hates working here in my country. But yesterday he promised to live here with me permanently. It's a big sacrifice for him, but I already foresee SO many problems in the future - my parents, his unhappiness, his stress, his fatigue and resulting crankiness, not having time for me... He says he wants a family with me in the future but where will he find time and energy if he can't even handle this relationship?

 

But I went on a few dates and I realise there are many things I appreciate about him as well that I took for granted. Things I realise are very hard to find in anyone else. And the sacrifices he is making for me to stay here is huge. It's just so hard to make a decision. I know I might give it another shot, I can see he is determined as hell to get back with me, I'm just afraid we will circle back to the same problems that caused this whole break in the first place.

 

You're right, I probably deserve better than to be treated like that - ignored for a month with no news from him. I'm so tired every day from thinking about all these - from NC healing and I HATE THIS GUY, NEVER LET HIS SHADOW CROSS MY PATH, to suddenly realising he's back here asking for another chance and figuring if it's all worth it... Ugh.

 

I'm definitely taking it slow. He's been texting me as much as he can, trying to see me more as well - the things I wanted him to do but he never did because he was "stressed" and "tired"... I know it's not going to last too long, things will just go back to the way they were, and I am just wondering if I am okay with that. I am just happy to know I can live without him. I used to think it was impossible. I'm glad to know how strong I can be now. I only realise it now, but I hope you'd also understand how far you've come since the break up and know that it is amazing we got to where we are - living our lives, realising how strong we really are, moving on even though we thought the days were impossibly gloomy and bleak.

 

Going off to finish my poetry homework for tomorrow before going to bed. I managed to survive this craaaazy day with 3 hours of sleep! Thanks for hearing me out again, I know it's long! And once again good luck with everything in school, freedom is just two days away

[penguin23]

I read somewhere that often we are given situations which we cannot change, and so the only thing we can change is how we react to it. I know it's not much, but I feel like it really is true, and I think it really applies to us because we are both stuck in situations where we have not been given any chances to choose what we really want, they basically made their decisions and we live with the pain. I know it's not easy being okay with it, much less being happy. Don't worry about whether you find a guy, because like I said, you definitely sound like a smart and wonderful person any guy would be lucky to have

 

I'd love to hear from you actually, especially because you can see this more objectively than my friends and family. They are in two extremes - my family hates him, some of my friends too, but a couple of them think I'm just being spoilt and bitter and vengeful, and I should get back with him ASAP.

 

If I do get back with him, yes there will be bitterness, insecurity, fear of being hurt again... Also I made a list of why he isn't good enough, and I actually do believe in that list of things. Also, we quarrelled a lot because he hates working here in my country. But yesterday he promised to live here with me permanently. It's a big sacrifice for him, but I already foresee SO many problems in the future - my parents, his unhappiness, his stress, his fatigue and resulting crankiness, not having time for me... He says he wants a family with me in the future but where will he find time and energy if he can't even handle this relationship?

 

But I went on a few dates and I realise there are many things I appreciate about him as well that I took for granted. Things I realise are very hard to find in anyone else. And the sacrifices he is making for me to stay here is huge. It's just so hard to make a decision. I know I might give it another shot, I can see he is determined as hell to get back with me, I'm just afraid we will circle back to the same problems that caused this whole break in the first place.

 

You're right, I probably deserve better than to be treated like that - ignored for a month with no news from him. I'm so tired every day from thinking about all these - from NC healing and I HATE THIS GUY, NEVER LET HIS SHADOW CROSS MY PATH, to suddenly realising he's back here asking for another chance and figuring if it's all worth it... Ugh.

 

I'm definitely taking it slow. He's been texting me as much as he can, trying to see me more as well - the things I wanted him to do but he never did because he was "stressed" and "tired"... I know it's not going to last too long, things will just go back to the way they were, and I am just wondering if I am okay with that. I am just happy to know I can live without him. I used to think it was impossible. I'm glad to know how strong I can be now. I only realise it now, but I hope you'd also understand how far you've come since the break up and know that it is amazing we got to where we are - living our lives, realising how strong we really are, moving on even though we thought the days were impossibly gloomy and bleak.

 

Going off to finish my poetry homework for tomorrow before going to bed. I managed to survive this craaaazy day with 3 hours of sleep! Thanks for hearing me out again, I know it's long! And once again good luck with everything in school, freedom is just two days away

 

Aww thanks for saying such a nice thing to me:) Definitely nice to hear! And school is going well!!! The sign out list has gone down from 16 people to 5 people (I've had to go to these people individually so they can clear me for graduation). I am feeling so much less stress. With the way the school operates I won't actually count my chickens until they've hatched but it at least looks like I'll be finishing tomorrow!!!!! yay:D 4 of the hardest years coming to a close. Whew

 

Honestly, I would ask your ex if he could give you a little space while you think this through. His texts and him stopping by might just make you confused--because of course he's going to be doing everything to be as good as possible. He's trying to get a honeymoon period going again.

 

That aside...I would think about it long term. Do you see yourself with him in 15 years? 20 years? Happy with him? You said you believe in that list of why he's not good enough-then it sounds like he's not good enough.

 

From my perspective as an outsider I think that you shouldn't give him another chance. It's not that I think he's a bad guy but he did this really selfish thing and basically turned his back on you. It's likely that he would do it again....and the fact that he wasn't even able to recognize what he was doing just adds to his complete inability to deal with the stressful stuff. Relationships are always easy when stuff's easy-when life is going along well then your relationship is going to be good. You want your guy to be supportive or look for your support when things get tough--not run the other direction (while yelling "I'm impressed with myself for hanging in here!").

 

I'm sure he has redeeming qualities but if you were to get back in a relationship with him it's going to be on rocky footing to start with. And it has other stresses already built into the relationship (him staying in your country indefinitely, etc). It just doesn't sound like it will last, honestly.

 

But I'm one of those people that only gets into a relationship if I could see myself with the guy forever. If I don't see myself ever having the possibility of being with the guy in say 40 years then I don't bother with the relationship. My long healing time after break ups is one of the main reasons.You might have a different outlook on relationships.

 

Sorry I'm a little rambling today. So tired and out of it! Keep us updated:)

[goodbyesunshine]

Hey penguin - a quick update before I head off to bed - I met up with the ex today, he's been asking me to meet him a few times and I agreed to dinner today. I know I should have kept my distance, but everyone around me (physically) just kept telling me to meet him (although they have differing views on whether it is to reconcile or as closure), and I always cave in to their advice!

 

So I went and heard him out. It went okay, although I did break down in the middle of the restaurant and told him I hate him and nothing will change that. After that, he held me and calmed me down (I think I was on the verge of a panic attack or something), we had an enjoyable dinner. We went up the roof top for a chat, it was quiet and nice and we really started talking. He actually surprised me as to how much he's changed over the 6 weeks - it's not huge changes, just little things he seems to have learnt during the time we were apart? It's small things like realising what a slob he was (his room was like a slum since the first day I knew him, he said he's cleaned everything up since). Also there were some things he said about my country which used to hurt me and I never even knew it hurt me until he pointed it out today. It's those little flaws I have learnt to live with but he just brought them out today and told me I should never have to live with it and he will deal with it. He said he saw the look in my eyes whenever I agreed to migrate with him, it's not a happy look, and he couldn't live with that knowledge that I wasn't happy, so he had to seriously think about all this things in the relationship which led it to where we were. I know he was on the verge of depression when he left things hanging, and now I just sense much more optimism and happiness in him. Also I brought out problems we already had previously, and he actually gave me a good solution to all those problems, and I can tell it's something he's thought through thoroughly. He also kept promising never to do that disappearing act again (although we all know here that promises mean nothing at all), because he realised how painful it was to be ignored (when he sent me those messages I never received, and he thought I was ignoring him).

 

I don't know how long this will last, how much of this is just an act, or anything at all. Maybe I just fall too easily for words. I met him today filled with anger and I knew there was no way he could ever let me be okay with this thing he did... And I know this anger will resurface even if his words make it go down for awhile, it might even cause problems in the future. I might just remember it all of a sudden one day and treat him badly, or create some stupid fights just to spite him (guess this is why my friends say I am vengeful! Haha). I'm just that insecure and easily scared. I don't know how things will go, or if what I'm doing is right. Still very confused, and I told him that...

 

How are things with you? Update me with your school too, I hope it's your last day. Thanks for hearing me out again, you can give me any honest comments you have (like "WHY DID YOU MEET HIM YOU DULL DUMB IDIOT"!!), I will appreciate them very much! Okay gotta go, falling asleep as I type this, so tired, I hope this post made sense to you!

[penguin23]

First....school is done for me!!! I don't get my diploma until the school sorts out some money issues on my account (they say I owe them $2000) but that's not going to be an issue. I've been recovering at home. My parents and youngest sister are on a 3 week trip so I'm with another sister and an uncle. It's been pretty nice (even helping my sister move was way better than school). I'm pretty shaken up by these past 4 years but I'm a little better each day:)

 

Here's the thing that worries me about your situation--you don't trust yourself. It's like you're following everyone else's opinion but not your own. And as much as he's saying he's changed...someone who's cleaned his room doesn't mean he's changed. He was incredibly selfish at your expense but he doesn't have the insight into his own behavior to quite understand what he did. And honestly, because you're not trusting your own instincts, you're more likely to be trusting his version of the events than what you know actually happened.

 

So here it goes...

WHY DID YOU MEET HIM YOU DULL DUMB IDIOT!! Those are your words-but maybe if you hear them from someone else you'll listen to them. Of course I don't think you're dull or dumb or an idiot but I do think meeting with/thinking about getting back together with him, etc will end up biting you in the a$$. But I'm pretty sure you think the same as me. I think you expect it will bite you in the a$$ but you don't want to believe it.

 

You are quite wonderful. Your ex is not. That's what I believe. And I also believe you deserve way better than him. And at the very least, you should trust yourself before anyone else. And I think you know what you should do. Good luck and sorry for the late response-this is literally the first time I've had a computer since I finished with school! It will be more regular this week:) So please keep up the updates!

[goodbyesunshine]

Congratulations on graduating! I'm sure you must be having a good time now, but remember to tell us how you're doing! What are your immediate plans? I hope everything is going well and with the stress gone hopefully you feel better too

 

I have met up with the guy several times by now, I guess to him, we are on the right track of recovery and everything will be back to normal soon. I still have bouts of anger and I can see him doing his best to hold us together and fix this. I'm still not sure where this will all go - on the surface it seems like we're on our way to getting back to the way things were, but I sense this insecurity and cracks in me sometimes that stems from distrust due to that incident. I can't forget the hurt he caused me and I am shocked that he can hurt me this way.

 

And about trusting my own instincts - you're absolutely right. But I was confused and had absolutely no idea what to do. And so I just went with the flow, with him coming around and putting in all the effort... I was kinda just swept along. I still don't know if it's a good or bad thing he came back, but I have made my words clear that if he has any intention to bail out even for a minute and I sense that, I will leave him, and I know I can do that now - I survived this after all. As of now... I guess a part of me still wants to know if he is the person I always thought he could be - that other half.

 

I'm really confused about all this, and it sucks because now I know how hard it is to see things objectively when you're in the midst of it all. I feel like for every 'con' of getting back together, I have an equally strong 'pro' and vice versa. I just don't know. We're meeting up, texting, doing things together, making some plans... but now I feel like something heavy is still hanging there with every decision we make and every bit of love he shows.

 

Anyway, keep us updated on your life as well, I had a busy week at school and didn't have much time to come here and check things out, but I definitely want to know how things are going for you now that school's out!

[penguin23]

Hey! Glad to hear you're doing ok. I think the best thing that you learned in this whole situation is that you can survive without him. And whatever happens you'll always know that. I hope that things continue being ok.

 

I have been doing pretty well just relaxing at my parents place. I was a little stressed out because of this whole money situation at school. It looks like it's been sorted out (hopefully) but I can't believe the school was saying I owed them $2000 when they just wanted to make their paperwork easier when my $4000 loan came in. I think I finally got through to the financial aid person that I can't graduate until she fixes the situation. She kept trying to say that it would get figured out and not to worry.

 

I have been dreaming about the ex recently. And I still do get upset during some downtimes but I'm starting to feel ok (not even just better!) about this whole thing. It still hurts that he did that to me and I do feel sad for him that he did that to himself...but overall I'm ok. In the dream last night he had postponed his marriage and we were together talking about it-and in the dream I felt total disinterest to hearing he wasn't married yet. Just kind of "eh whatever." I liked that:)

 

I have to admit that I'm still a little touchy about Indian things. I used to watch Bollywood movies and now when something at all Indian comes on TV I switch the channel. It's still a very touchy subject to me. I don't like feeling almost prejudice and I know that it's just me being so hurt about being rejected by his family but I wish I were at a point that I could be more open. I guess it's just a process. My feelings were really hurt by the rejection so I guess that at some point I'll be able to see it just as that particular family's issue. Still sucks.

 

Overall I'm doing pretty good. Starting to get ready to apply for jobs which is nice-hopefully it won't be difficult to find one!

[not-a-drive-by]

I have to admit that I'm still a little touchy about Indian things. I used to watch Bollywood movies and now when something at all Indian comes on TV I switch the channel. It's still a very touchy subject to me. I don't like feeling almost prejudice and I know that it's just me being so hurt about being rejected by his family but I wish I were at a point that I could be more open. I guess it's just a process. My feelings were really hurt by the rejection so I guess that at some point I'll be able to see it just as that particular family's issue. Still sucks.

 

I feel you in regards to that. My ex is Korean, and I used to love anything related to it -food, music, tv, language etc. But now, I can barely stand seeing, tasting or hearing anything related to Korea . It just hurts so much because it just reminds me of HIM. All the things we used to enjoy together...

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! Hope you've been doing okay So happy to hear about your dream, that is definitely good news! I'm sure the feeling will go away soon - that you're still touchy about Indian things - and it might take a while but just take it easy, there's no hurry here and you're doing really great. I am guessing you must have activities lined up post-graduation, keeping yourself busy, I hope that helps with forgetting him!

 

Things are going okay with me and the guy, I'm glad to see he's definitely much happier and positive than he was before. But I'll have to wait and see if this is only temporary. After this incident and knowing I'll be fine without him, I know I can leave this relationship if this goes back to the miserable state it was 2 months ago. The bad part is that I'll probably be less willing to work things out with him if this relationship gets rocky (which it most likely will since we've only been together 8.5 months) because I will think of how he'd bailed out before and I'd likely do the same before he does it again.

 

Been neglecting my studies since all this crazy things happened, been about 2 -3 months now, and it's time to get things back on track! Update us on how everything is on your side!

[penguin23]

Not a drive by thanks for you message:) It's nice to hear that I'm not alone. But it sucks to have something you enjoyed (with or without him) taken away. I think eventually the sting goes away. My first serious boyfriend was Dominican and for about 2 years every time I saw a Dominican flag my heart would just sink (and my neighborhood has tons of them). But over the years it's become kind of a nice reminder of him. But that's taken a long long time (and 2 boyfriends in between). I guess we both just have to be patient?

 

Goodbyesunshine-I can totally understand thinking that you'll be less willing to work things out in the future. Maybe he'll be a lot more willing to work on things? I hope you can get your studies back on track soon!

 

I have not been keeping busy since graduation. I've been sleeping tons (12+ hours/night) and basically just watching tv and relaxing. My parents and sister are coming back from Europe on Monday so once that happens the tons of sleeping and sitting around will be out the window. I'm 30 and you'd think that I would be allowed to do what I want but that's not the case. But I'm ready to find a job and that's the next step. Pretty overwhelming though!

 

I saw my therapist yesterday and talked about how frustrating school has been (I'm much more relaxed though!). With about 20 minutes to go she asked about the ex....and I immediately started crying Sucks. I just want to be done with him emotionally. I still am feeling much better about everything but still heartbroken that he did that to me. I can't believe I'm so much better and yet still heartbroken---but I was so incredibly hurt before that I was crying at anything. So this is an improvement. The ex actually called last night (I think it was the ex!) but I didn't see it until today and he didn't leave a message. I'm very curious but will not be breaking NC. Although it is possible it wasn't him since all I know is that the call was from his town (I erased his number). But seeing the number didn't make my heart sink or anything.

 

Overall though I'm feeling pretty good:)

[penguin23]

So it turned out it was the ex who called me. I realized I had another friend who is from the same area of the country who I had heard just graduated so I felt like I needed to check the number to make sure it wasn't the other person. But it was the ex.

 

I didn't call him back but even him calling and not leaving me a message was enough to throw me for a loop. But I felt good enough that I decided to check his facebook. I've avoided fb almost completely since the break up and I wanted to get it over with and check if he's married yet. I know he's going to get married soon and I just wanted to get it over with. He's not married but turns out that he unfriended me on facebook which I'm actually really surprised about. I'm sure that he did that after I didn't call him back about his diploma. I'm really surprised that he unfriended me but I think it just means that he's hurt about what happened too-it's his fault anyway but I guess it makes me feel good knowing that he at least feels enough to unfriend me like that:) haha you wouldn't think it would make me feel good.

 

I have thought about texting him back but I know all of my reasons are completely stupid. Sometimes I start thinking that he wants to see if there's any way that I would take him back...but then I remind myself that if that's what it is then he would have to try a whole hell of a lot more than calling me once. And then I think "what if he's calling me because he's about to get married and wants to talk once more and say how sorry he is" and then I realize that nothing he could say would make any of this any better. Him apologizing again or me saying what a prick he is doesn't change anything. And I'm doing just fine anyway.

 

It's always good to remember why there's absolutely no reason to talk to him.

 

And I have to remind myself that our relationship wasn't perfect. So I'm not losing some perfect relationship here. I'm having the chance to find a better relationship with a guy that won't bend to every whim of his racist parents. That's nice. I could find a guy whose parents are absolutely amazing and love me.

 

I've been having tons of trouble sleeping-I'm starting to look for a job (and today I'm packing up my apartment!) and I get caught up thinking about all these things about what my life is going to be like. But being out of school is great!

 

Overall-the one thing that really does stick out is that NC works. If I had a doubts about it I would've wanted to call him back-and I'm not doing that! Still, break ups suck.

 

PS Goodbyesunshine how's everything going?

[goodbyesunshine]

Thank god you didn't contact him back and remember there is no reason to! You're right - if he wants to get you back, he is going to need to do so much more than just randomly call once or twice. Also the unfriending thing - it's unbelievable that he can ever feel like he's the victim here feeling all hurt (after everything he has done!!!). But then I guess it's good he deleted you, maybe he too knows there is nothing left to keep and it'd be better for both of you to not know what's happening.

 

If I were you I'd definitely feel a need to contact him creep up, especially after he has attempted contact... But please please just do whatever you can to stop yourself from doing it! You sound really strong about NC so that's great He is just not worth it! You're moving on with your life, finding new adventures, he lost it when he decided to succumb to his parents and make the stupidest decisions along the way. If he ever chances upon you/ hears about you through someone else, it would be so great to have him know that his life could have been amazing with someone like you, but he threw it all away!

 

I have too many assignments due and no time at all to finish it Me and the guy are doing okay, I am just trying not to put in too much here and I have to keep reminding myself THIS MIGHT END ONE DAY. I always give too much the more I get into a relationship and I am trying to be more nonchalant now, I just want to see if he will become the same person a few months later when things settle down, and if he does, I want to have the courage then to walk away. But I did realise I tended to pick fights with him (about his work hours) almost weekly back then, and I'm trying to improve that and be more understanding

 

Good luck with everything penguin! stay strong!

[penguin23]

Hey! Good to hear from you! Glad things are going well for you:) I think whatever is going on it's always good to remember that it can end sometime. And you absolutely could walk away if you wanted to. But I'm really glad that you're doing well!

 

And you're totally right...I do have the need to contact him creep up (just from some little missed call!!) but no way I will contact him. For some reason I felt the need to check up on his facebook because I thought that maybe I didn't read that he actually unfriended me right (momentary self-dissillutionment I think) but I couldn't find him. So I think he might have even completely blocked me. Honestly didn't look long though before I thought "what am I doing?!!? it's good he's out of my life!!" I think he's getting married pretty soon.

 

But I'm going to focus more on all the things that I have coming up in my life. And there are lots of really great things. It's been a little tough being at home (my parents are back). My dad is really tough to live with because he has zero empathy for others... so sometimes he can just be downright mean. But I'm going to try to be less sensitive to his ridiculous comments.

 

But overall I'm happy with what's going on. Life is sooo much better after school:D (mostly because my school was horrible)

 

Good luck on your assignments!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty okay, but unfortunately one of my best friends just broke up after a 3-4 years relationship. It's tragic. I know how hard she fought for this but eventually there is just nothing to be done, they couldn't iron out the differences and decided to let go. I feel especially sad because it's nothing to do with any outside influences or events I always thought love is enough but now I know why sometimes people just can't work it out.

 

How long will you be staying at home? I hope your dad doesn't make you feel depressed in any way! I guess parents just want the best for their kids although their actions/words very often seem to contradict that. Haha. Don't worry about what he says, I'm sure you're doing just fine! How is the job search going? Good luck with that I hope everything is more stable with regards to wanting to contact the ex. I'm glad to hear you are much happier now that you're out of school! As for me I hope school goes on as long as possible, I had a horrible experience in the working world once and I am dreading it haha. Tell us how everything is!

[penguin23]

Hi penguin! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty okay, but unfortunately one of my best friends just broke up after a 3-4 years relationship. It's tragic. I know how hard she fought for this but eventually there is just nothing to be done, they couldn't iron out the differences and decided to let go. I feel especially sad because it's nothing to do with any outside influences or events I always thought love is enough but now I know why sometimes people just can't work it out.

 

How long will you be staying at home? I hope your dad doesn't make you feel depressed in any way! I guess parents just want the best for their kids although their actions/words very often seem to contradict that. Haha. Don't worry about what he says, I'm sure you're doing just fine! How is the job search going? Good luck with that I hope everything is more stable with regards to wanting to contact the ex. I'm glad to hear you are much happier now that you're out of school! As for me I hope school goes on as long as possible, I had a horrible experience in the working world once and I am dreading it haha. Tell us how everything is!

 

Hi Goodbyesunshine-

That's always tough when a friend goes through the break up. It can be sad to watch another relationship go

 

Things have been tough living at home. I'm trying to move out of my apartment in the city but was sick today so ended up sleeping a ton. It's difficult to live with my parents so I'm planning to move out ASAP. It's going to be a cross country trip so that's a little overwhelming. And I'm probably going out there without a job so that's even more scary. But I had a good conversation with my mom about some of the job possibilities so I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed. I'm planning to send in some resumes tomorrow, finish moving out of my apartment and then I'll probably end up moving in the next couple of weeks.

 

I noticed just now (11 pm) that my ex called last night at about 12:15 pm. I immediately erased the number (I recognized the number from last week) and he didn't leave a message but I have to say I feel almost guilty not returning his call. Ugh. He's not getting calling to get back together. He's probably calling because he feels guilty about how things ended with us. He's probably hoping that we can talk and that he'll find out that I'm doing just fine without him (which is true) and then I've totally forgiven him (which is definitely not true). He doesn't deserve to feel better about what he did. But I still feel guilty for not returning his call. I'm just annoyed because I don't want to hear from him but it's making me think about him-and last week I wrote him off in my head thinking that he was calling because he's about to get married. I felt relieved afterwards thinking that I wouldn't have to hear from him ever again-and here I am again just 1 week later.

 

Any thoughts/words of wisdom/help? Of course I'm tempted to contact him back but I'm not going to.

[goodbyesunshine]

Hmmm I notice you kind of sound more confident and strong than I think you might be...? Generally it sometimes feels like you're much better but I think you're still pretty fragile and in no condition to have anything to do with the ex. Anything at all - calls, Facebook updates, texts, hearing about him through friends... etc. I think whatever you're doing right now is perfect - don't contact him, don't let him contact you, never let him know whether you're healing or broken, laughing or crying!! You also have no need to know how he is doing, what he is up to, his marital status or anything at all, because it will definitely change your moods / feelings / emotions and the general moving-on process.

 

I'm glad you are erasing his numbers immediately, keep doing that, and if you need any encouragement we're always here! Still checking this space regularly to see how you're doing I know it's going to be so hard seeing a foreign number pop up - the thoughts that arise, wreaking havoc - is it him? what does he want?... I don't know how to handle this part, I'd probably be going crazy with suspense! Maybe keep yourself busy, with so many things happening in your life right now, I hope that's helping with the process. At least you KNOW he's not calling to get back together, and anything else he wants to say is just to make himself feel better. It's not going to do you any good or give you back all the effort and love you've put in, or erase the pain he's caused. You know what to do

 

Good luck with finding a job, and with the move!

[penguin23]

Thanks goodbyesunshine! Next time he calls (probably in exactly 1 week ugh) I'm going to log on and just reread your reply:)

 

I think transitions are difficult no matter what-and I'm in the middle of such a big one that I'm a little all over the place right now. Feeling less sick today though so that's good! Hope you're doing well!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin, how are you doing? I hope your job search and moving out is going well, update us on how it is

 

I had a rough weekend, I can feel my partner and I kind of falling back into old patterns and habits, I feel myself getting upset about old things we used to fight about again. I know most couples always slip into this comfort zone but I can't help bashing him about meeting me less, texting/talking less, being more tired at work as the weeks go by. Am I being over demanding? Ugh. I don't know. He made a huge sacrifice though - he decided to move over to a small and extremely old apartment because it's 10 minutes away from my place, and that's pretty far from his workplace. He's moving over next week. So sometimes I feel like a terrible person for getting upset about anything at all.

 

I hope my complaints are not very self-centred, you have to tell me if they are annoying you! Haha. How are you? I tried coming to this site a few times last week but they said there was some potential virus - I'm glad they got it fixed. Hope to hear from you soon!!

[penguin23]

Hey goodbyesunshine! You don't sound self-centered at all-and I don't really think that what you're saying are "complaints." It sounds like you and your bf need to communicate about these things. Maybe having a talk at a point when both of you are at a good point (not tired, etc). And even if you feel he's making a sacrifice to be closer to you he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want to. I'm sure you've also done things for him. I would say you are entitled to feel however you're feeling.

 

When you do talk about this stuff instead of bringing up the past ("you're not texting me enough, we didn't hang out last week and when we finally did you fell asleep" etc etc) bring up how you guys could make things better in the future.

 

I've been ok. I rushed onto this site just now because I was replying to a message from a friend on facebook when I looked down and happened to see an old message from my ex....and he changed his picture to show him with his fiance. I didn't see much because it was just a thumbnail (most I saw was that it's an Indian girl). I was kind of grossed out but not upset-but I was tempted to look him up to see it bigger (and see her face). No point in that so I thought I should log on ASAP to keep from doing that. I might just get rid of my fb account for a year or so. I don't really use it and people who send me messages on it get a reply in about a month right now.

 

Otherwise I'm good. I've been applying to jobs in Arizona. I'm planning a trip down there in 2 weeks and already have a couple of interviews set up! Super happy about that. It looks like I'm going to be moving down there alone-so I want to make sure I get a job that will have some nice people. And I'm going to get a dog:) yay

 

ttyl:D

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi penguin! So glad to hear you're doing well! What kind of dog are you getting? I just gave my dog a bath and he's kind of annoyed, he's running around and making unhappy noises now haha. Oh and good luck with your interviews as well!

 

Getting rid of FB for now is definitely good especially if it keeps you from having those itches! But since you can't see his profile and posts I hope it's much better for you... Maybe he didn't want you seeing all that either. Just do whatever makes you feel better

 

Going to Arizona alone sounds really exciting, glad to hear things working out so well for you now all the best for everything! And thanks for your great advice too!

[penguin23]

my reply got erased:( ok here it goes again

 

I've been having a great week. I got the best job offer I could ever imagine!! Literally my dream job, with a great salary, where I want to live, with awesome people. I just sent in my acceptance letter:D

 

It makes me so happy especially because I know that if the ex and I were still together that there's no way I would've applied to this job (I wouldn't have even thought it was possible that I could land it!). I would've moved to be with the ex, found a crappy low-paying job (comparatively) and been miserable because I would be marrying into a horribly dysfunctional family.

 

Of course there have been ups and downs in the last couple of weeks-I got in a huge fight with my mom (who had come in to check on me after I had a big fight with my dad). I am way too old to be fighting with my parents! And my trip out to Arizona was stressful (but so worth it!).

 

Overall I just see how the break up opened my life up in ways that I couldn't have imagined before. I still am very hurt by what my ex did to me and every once in a while I do cry. But I've accepted it and the anger is no longer there. And crying once in a while is nothing in comparison to almost crying on my way home from school every day---and just holding out long enough to start weeping as soon I got into my apartment. There were months of that kind of crying. It's ok to feel sad about something that is sad. This is my 3rd serious break up in my life and I do have to say it gets easier. It's still as painful at the beginning but now I see that the pain will eventually go away.

 

I know that people come on here when they're having a hard time but please realize that it gets easier and that our break ups can change our life in incredible ways. It can be easy to think "but I don't want my life to change! I liked it the way it was!!" but that's because you're not thinking big enough.

 

Anyway, I am so happy my ex broke up with me. Life is looking good!

 

How are you Goodbyesunshine?!

[goodbyesunshine]

Hey penguin! So happy to hear from you! I have been coming back a few times and, seeing no new posts, assumed you must be having a wonderful life right now - I'm so glad to know it's true Your new life sounds amazing and I'm sure greater opportunities and experiences will come your way, it's only just begun! I can't wait to graduate either right now, partly because schoolwork is just taking up so much time (although the summer holidays make it kind of worth it). I get so depressed when I have a fight with anyone I love that I turn into a mope - hopefully your quarrel with the parents will be okay soon!

 

I'm doing fine, just busy with school and the relationship. I can be a little demanding sometimes but I am keeping that in check as much as possible in the relationship - it's going well, no major fights since the patch-up 2 months ago, which is good compared to weekly routine in the past. But of course relationships are the most fragile of things, and I just try to remind myself not to be over-reliant on someone... but the heart is one hard thing to command.

 

I'm just happy to be learning something all the time - about my life and relationships, and the whole ordeal I went through definitely changed me. It's great to hear from you, I was having some Sunday midnight blues - school tomorrow, got to be up at 6am ughhh - and this definitely perked me up! Glad to know everything is going well on your side, keep us updated!!