My ex cheated on me.... What now?

[tinker]

I posted this on a psyc forum regarding my ex's erratic behavior. But I have lurked on this site too regarding cheating. Any advice on what I should do?

 

Hi everyone,

 

I've been lurking on here for the past few weeks and have been desperate to find the cause of my ex's erratic behavior.

 

This will be somewhat long so please bear with me.

 

I have been dating a girl off and on for the past 2 years. We met at the beach and immediately hit it off, had sex, it was amazing. Everything happened so fast. She was from [mod edit] and me from []. After the weekend we spent at the beach she immediately wanted me to be her bf. I was hesitant at first because I honestly didn't even really know her, but after a few weekends of her driving all the way from [] to see me in [] I figured she must really like me and I thought I'd give it a try.

 

The first 3 months of the relationship were amazing. We would switch off weekends seeing each other and we did so many things in that timespan. She took me to [] and plenty of concerts and shows. We were ALWAYS busy.

 

Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, she became extremely distant. I could sense it in her texts, she stopped calling me. I went over to her house one weekend and as soon as I got there she went to sleep. I didn't understand why she was acting so cold towards me. I was furious and decided to look at her phone (shouldn't have, but did anyway) and found out she was texting this guy from her work a lot and i found out that she recently kissed him.

 

I stopped talking to her for a few weeks, she begged me to come back. Apparently she was dating that guy before we met and dropped him for me.

 

So we broke up and she was dating him again for a bit. She calls me and says she misses me and then starts talking to me again and everything is the back to the way it was when we started dating - for about 2, 3 months. Then I found out she was still seeing him.

 

I enjoyed our time together so I would still see her most weekends while knowing she was still seeing him during the week. During that time there were a lot of lies and secrets and other nonsense. She told me shes never been in a true relationship with someone for more than a few months. She gets bored.

 

During the times we have hung out, she constantly is talking about herself and some cool story that happened with her. She complains and has huge mood swings for things that are simple like the weather or traffic.

 

A few times while we were out together she would flirt a lot with other men. Generally these were men she had dated in the past. She got wasted on her birthday and pretty much threw herself at another guy that she was doing theater shows with. He backed off because I was there. I also found out that when we went to [] together she kissed a guy that was hitting on her while i was outside smoking a cigarette, she confessed to this months later.

 

She told me recently she wanted a break but within that span I have managed to find out that she has been hooking up with her work friend - the other guy she has gone back and forth with and also had sex with another guy that she used to date 5 years ago.

 

What made me start to think she had some kind of a disorder was about 4 months ago. We were at a bar and she was extremely happy, like to the point of scaring my friends. She was dancing and singing at the top of her lungs and was being extremely social. Then she sang a karaoke song and thought 2 girls were laughing at her singing, they weren't. I happened to know one of them because I went to high school together. She couldn't stop talking about the girls, how they were laughing at her, why could they possibly be so mean, she was obsessing over it. Eventually they left, she @!@@@! them off and my mom told her she needed to calm down. Then my family left and it was just me and her. Then she started blatantly hitting on this guy and dancing on him and calling him "baby". She liked him because he was in theater like her. So she went from extremely happy, to very angry and obsessive, to extremely flirtatious, all in a matter of a few hours.

 

The next day she said she didn't even remember half of it, she wasn't that drunk either.

 

Now she is being distant again and we barely talk and it hurts me soo much that we do this back and forth. That after a few months of amazing times is followed by complete distance. The last time I saw her was on my birthday over a month ago and I told her it was amazing and I was falling for her. Then she told me a few days later she needed space because Josh found out that we were together. From then on she has been constantly seeing him and barely talking to him.

 

She also constantly hangs out with different people. Her social circle is crazy large. It seems like she is always doing something new with different people when she isn't hanging out with him or me.

 

 

I'm so upset and frustrated and angry and I don't know what I should do. She has told me she thinks she needs help, but then never gets it. I'm just feeling very lost. This has been 2 years of this behavior going on and it's been very draining to say the least on me emotionally.

[foralittlerespect]

I posted this on a psyc forum regarding my ex's erratic behavior. But I have lurked on this site too regarding cheating. Any advice on what I should do?

 

Hi everyone,

 

I've been lurking on here for the past few weeks and have been desperate to find the cause of my ex's erratic behavior.

 

This will be somewhat long so please bear with me.

 

I have been dating a girl off and on for the past 2 years. We met at the beach and immediately hit it off, had sex, it was amazing. Everything happened so fast. She was from [mod edit] and me from []. After the weekend we spent at the beach she immediately wanted me to be her bf. I was hesitant at first because I honestly didn't even really know her, but after a few weekends of her driving all the way from [] to see me in [] I figured she must really like me and I thought I'd give it a try.

 

The first 3 months of the relationship were amazing. We would switch off weekends seeing each other and we did so many things in that timespan. She took me to [] and plenty of concerts and shows. We were ALWAYS busy.

 

Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, she became extremely distant. I could sense it in her texts, she stopped calling me. I went over to her house one weekend and as soon as I got there she went to sleep. I didn't understand why she was acting so cold towards me. I was furious and decided to look at her phone (shouldn't have, but did anyway) and found out she was texting this guy from her work a lot and i found out that she recently kissed him.

 

I stopped talking to her for a few weeks, she begged me to come back. Apparently she was dating that guy before we met and dropped him for me.

 

So we broke up and she was dating him again for a bit. She calls me and says she misses me and then starts talking to me again and everything is the back to the way it was when we started dating - for about 2, 3 months. Then I found out she was still seeing him.

 

I enjoyed our time together so I would still see her most weekends while knowing she was still seeing him during the week. During that time there were a lot of lies and secrets and other nonsense. She told me shes never been in a true relationship with someone for more than a few months. She gets bored.

 

During the times we have hung out, she constantly is talking about herself and some cool story that happened with her. She complains and has huge mood swings for things that are simple like the weather or traffic.

 

A few times while we were out together she would flirt a lot with other men. Generally these were men she had dated in the past. She got wasted on her birthday and pretty much threw herself at another guy that she was doing theater shows with. He backed off because I was there. I also found out that when we went to [] together she kissed a guy that was hitting on her while i was outside smoking a cigarette, she confessed to this months later.

 

She told me recently she wanted a break but within that span I have managed to find out that she has been hooking up with her work friend - the other guy she has gone back and forth with and also had sex with another guy that she used to date 5 years ago.

 

What made me start to think she had some kind of a disorder was about 4 months ago. We were at a bar and she was extremely happy, like to the point of scaring my friends. She was dancing and singing at the top of her lungs and was being extremely social. Then she sang a karaoke song and thought 2 girls were laughing at her singing, they weren't. I happened to know one of them because I went to high school together. She couldn't stop talking about the girls, how they were laughing at her, why could they possibly be so mean, she was obsessing over it. Eventually they left, she @!@@@! them off and my mom told her she needed to calm down. Then my family left and it was just me and her. Then she started blatantly hitting on this guy and dancing on him and calling him "baby". She liked him because he was in theater like her. So she went from extremely happy, to very angry and obsessive, to extremely flirtatious, all in a matter of a few hours.

 

The next day she said she didn't even remember half of it, she wasn't that drunk either.

 

Now she is being distant again and we barely talk and it hurts me soo much that we do this back and forth. That after a few months of amazing times is followed by complete distance. The last time I saw her was on my birthday over a month ago and I told her it was amazing and I was falling for her. Then she told me a few days later she needed space because Josh found out that we were together. From then on she has been constantly seeing him and barely talking to him.

 

She also constantly hangs out with different people. Her social circle is crazy large. It seems like she is always doing something new with different people when she isn't hanging out with him or me.

 

 

I'm so upset and frustrated and angry and I don't know what I should do. She has told me she thinks she needs help, but then never gets it. I'm just feeling very lost. This has been 2 years of this behavior going on and it's been very draining to say the least on me emotionally.

 

You are letting a clearly mentally unstable, untrustworthy girl completely run your life...she has both shown AND told you she won't get the help she obviously needs...you also know she is actively cheating on you...I don't really understand what it is your staying for, OP. Sometimes (myself included) we think that we can withstand it and stay in toxic situations until the pain is too great and we are forced to leave. But you've already reached that...she blatantly flirted with another man in front of you, and you are making excuses for her. STOP. It is cliche, but you deserve SO much better. Truly. And you aren't going to get it unless you yourself DEMAND it from the women you date by treating yourself with respect and not allowing someone to treat you like this...I know from experience. I dated the male version of the girl you described...and it hurt when I let him go, but I am SO SO SO glad I did, and I have absolutely no feelings for the guy anymore other than pity. I lost the illusion of the relationship I thought I had/needed, but gained SO much more: my self respect and joy for life.

 

I'd be curious to know what you think of this article. Just replace "he/him" with "she/her." Let me know what you think:

 

Warning Signs Dating a Loser Bad Relationships

[Chi townD]

Dude, do yourself a favor and go complete NO CONTACT with this chick. I can't even call you a rebound relationship because she was bouncing all over the place! She has no respect for you and she has no respect for herself or others. Move on. Don't talk to her anymore, that would be in your best interest.

 

And don't sleep with a girl until you find out if she batsh*t crazy or not!

[GLDheart]

two words:

 

wow

 

run

[tinker]

I have stopped talking to her since Wednesday, which has now been the longest that we have gone without speaking in 2 years.

 

That's one of the biggest things with me, fats. It's that she does all of these horrible things and doesn't show much empathy for them. She has always told me that she does these things because she doesn't think about a lot of the bad stuff she does, she just "acts" and then deals with the consequences later.

 

It very much is just her getting the thrill from doing something new, and experiencing new things with new people.

 

The last time we spoke, she pretty much told me that she gets bored with guys and needs new and exciting things. She realizes this is a problem, but that won't change her from going out and doing new things with new people.

 

It pains me because she used to come running back after she did something that pissed me off. She would want to make it up to me or whatever, but now she has no desire to even want to see me anymore. This is the toughest thing to swallow. That she really doesn't even care about me much anymore. I assume she is either hanging out with her work friend more, or there is simply an entirely different guy in the situation and she is spending the majority of her time with him.

 

She has ALWAYS had a man in her life, a guy she was dating, a boyfriend, a f*ck buddy etc. She used to tell me about all of the guys she dated in the past. I've met many of them in fact. And every time I met a new one just proved to me that she has never been in a long lasting, faithful relationship, something the majority of us all crave.

 

But it still hurts to know that she is doing just fine without me, while continuing to have all of these other guys in her life, while I struggle because I'm completely alone.

 

I knew it was never going to work and I should have gotten out months ago, but I wanted to make it work, see if I could change things.

 

I am certain within the next few months she will be dating a completely different man and I will continue to be single, perhaps even trying to figure out how things got so bad. I don't want to think of her anymore at all. I know that even if she did come back, the short lived happiness would turn into more lies/cheating/manipulation.

 

It just hurts to know that I invested so much in someone who clearly didn't feel the same way about me.

[crash9i77]

Hey Buddy I feel you. I had a similar story and I will post it after this, But I will tell you what I think.

 

At the start of a new relationship we produce endorphins which is why there are so many love songs made. it feels amazing and real. Its the best drug ever!!

 

So some people, get addicted to that new relationship, curiosity, honeymoon stage where those endorphins come from. and many think it should always stay that way which is impossible. and some women/men like to have that thrill of sneaking. It intensifies how they feel for whomever they are seeing on the normal basis as well. My ex girlfriend I think was bi polar. we were together for 17 months. they like to warap you up with drama, and make you believe you are the one. and then when that feeling of excitement goes away, or the other man/woman notices something or backs off, they push you aside and puts all their focus on him/her.. I was both of those guys lol. And yes no remorse, no feeling bad, no emotion for their decision. They realized they could find attention with someone new, and who doesnt know they cheat/have cheated. It makes the fake connection better that way. She/he can relive all moments of the drama all over again until a new source for their need for the drama and love feeling. and teach a new person. My girlfriend was a beautiful european girl, victoria secret pretty. she cheated multiple times, and that was the least of it lol. She had crazy up and down mood swings. She has ended it more than a few times, and it was so sudden it was a shock lol. then she would come back with a very loving drama filled talk. I looked into relationships with bi polar people, and every thing in it described how she was, and how your ex was for what i read. On their lows, the feel they need a boost in self esteem and to impulsive things to feel better. mostly cheating.

[tinker]

I can totally emphasise with how you feel because I have just recently cut off someone who behaved in a similar way for 18 months with me.

 

You know what you need to do, I knew what I needed to do a year ago but I only managed to do it 3 weeks ago. What you need to do is completely cut this woman off, no texts, calls, email, facebook, nothing. I can sympathise with the difficulty of doing it too because something about them keeps you hanging on. I kept trying to get away, I even told her I can't see her anymore but I kept going back, even without her prompting me because I was simply addicted to the drama and toxicity of it all. Even though it was making me miserable and causing me physical pain (I had stomach cramps for months due to the stress) I still kept going back. All my focus was on her.

 

The real head **** is trying to figure out why they're doing this? Why they can be so cold to you one minute then so loving the next? How can they be so horrible without any apology? The truth is you'll never really get that answer. I mean I know my ex has mental health problems she's from a very ****ed up family, she's been in and out of therapy all her life but I don't think she'll ever be totally over it, she'll just have periods of remission. I get all that but somehow it's not enough to stop me from still trying to figure out why because somehow 'she's mental' isn't enough of an answer for me, but I'm probably overly analytical of it. I know I will never get a satisfying answer nor will I ever get the apology or acknowledgement of the damage she caused that I want from her. Now it's just about accepting that and moving on and it gets ever so slightly easier each day, but take my word for it you will never begin this moving on process until she is no longer in your life. It's horrible cutting someone out of your life, this is the first time I've ever done it but there comes a point where there's no other option to protect yourself from further damage.

 

 

It's been about 5 days or so of me completely cutting her off. I still have moments where I want to text her and tell her how much I miss her and try to get her to come back, but I know that it would only cause me more pain in the end. I've had some physical symptoms too. Heart palpitations, cold sweats, muscle twitching. I still find myself asking the same questions. How did it get so bad, why did she do the things she did, why am I hurting so much over someone who clearly isn't hurting at all. She is living her life to the fullest and will continue to have other men to fulfill her needs for attention. She doesn't need mine anymore. But I know that even if she did call me one day and say she wanted to see me and work things out I know that it wouldn't matter. Even if we hooked up again and had another memorable weekend, it wouldn't change the fact that she would still have all of these other men in her life.

 

I know it won't be easy, but I do know that I deserve a hell of a lot better from someone else. I just hate being alone and thinking about her during my moments of weakness. I don't even want to think about her anymore because it changes nothing.

[tinker]

You are letting a clearly mentally unstable, untrustworthy girl completely run your life...she has both shown AND told you she won't get the help she obviously needs...you also know she is actively cheating on you...I don't really understand what it is your staying for, OP. Sometimes (myself included) we think that we can withstand it and stay in toxic situations until the pain is too great and we are forced to leave. But you've already reached that...she blatantly flirted with another man in front of you, and you are making excuses for her. STOP. It is cliche, but you deserve SO much better. Truly. And you aren't going to get it unless you yourself DEMAND it from the women you date by treating yourself with respect and not allowing someone to treat you like this...I know from experience. I dated the male version of the girl you described...and it hurt when I let him go, but I am SO SO SO glad I did, and I have absolutely no feelings for the guy anymore other than pity. I lost the illusion of the relationship I thought I had/needed, but gained SO much more: my self respect and joy for life.

 

I'd be curious to know what you think of this article. Just replace "he/him" with "she/her." Let me know what you think:

 

Warning Signs Dating a Loser Bad Relationships

 

 

This was a good read, thank you. Yes there are definitely some things that describe my ex to the letter. Especially the crazy honeymoon part where the first 3 months she was telling me how much she loved me, wanted to move in with me, spend the rest of her life with me. I barely knew the chick! Yet I became so addicted to the attentions she used to give me. It was like a drug and I needed it even though she was doing all of these terrible things. Hopefully in a few months I'll be able to look back at everything and be glad that we are truly done. Right now it's just too early and the feelings are still too raw....

[crash9i77]

Read my story man, mine was the same way. They make you feel adicted and want you. I feel how you feel for the most part, but Im used to it. and I know what lies down the road.

[Smelly Cat 101]

Leave her. She is stringing you along. she can't decide which one of you she would rather have. be the big guy, and save yourself a lot of paina and angst, end it with her once and for all, no contact, nahda, find yourself who will always treat you right not just when it suits her

[crash9i77]

dating a bipolar girl and i am at my wits end · Depression & Mood Disorders discussions | Emotional & Mental Health center | SteadyHealth.com

 

check this link out.

[tinker]

So I recently found out that for the past 2 weeks she has now been dating another man.

 

So in the span of 7 weeks (since I last saw her) she has hooked up with the guy from work, a random friend she has known for years and now she is dating a completely new person who she met at a bar.

 

I haven't contacted her, I found out from another friend.

 

Well if there wasn't any inclination before, I know now that I completely wasted my time on this woman.

 

And I'm hating myself for it.

[crash9i77]

Sorry to hear that. And I know its hard. I'm going through it as well, as I have now four times. She needs the attention from others for her self esteem. I know you wanted it to be "Real" but the fact is, all she ever said to you,and all you ever did with her was in her mind a distraction to whatever is f#$%&ed up in her head. Mine was a sexy european girl nurse..and she after a few months would flip out... and I caught her cheating. Then she wanted me to stay and cried...then she cheated again, then she has feelings for her ex husband. She was beaten and raped by a boyfriend when she was fifteen, and her hysband abused her mentaly.. and a close boyfriend cheated on her and told her what she told me, I'm going to do this and that is that.... Don't be like me buddy... don't be the sucker... I know the main reason is because it ended suddenly out of nowhere and left ypu feeling confused... she likely told u how much sje felt about u rifht before, that is what tbey do... keep you happy and on a string until they find curiosity with another, not because you are bad, or ugly, or lousy at F#$%ing.. but becase women like her and my ex... know how to manipulate. And use it with sex, deep talks, whatever it is that makes you get closer to them they use. And when they think you know too much, or their curiosity is done, or whatever they felt they got from you but no longer gave them a boost in esteem. They get the exvitement from another. She will do it to that guy for sure..and thr guy after that. These people are either bipolar or have a personality disorder. And searching myself because I thought its the craziest thing...the are so many out there that are damaged by them bad!! You are lucly she didn't have a kid with u. Mine wanted that lol.. keep your head high my friend. You only miss her because she manipulated you into believing she was your soul mate they are masters at it. and people like that have no sexual inhibitions to wrap you up more..

[crash9i77]

Have you ever known someone with an addiction? They need the drama, the excitement, the mystery. To them, its how they stay happy. They know they are messed up, but will never admit it. They will choose one reason to hook up with you, then magnify so many oters, for their own need to sustain that drama of talks, sex, and the ever so easy words...I feel so good with u. All they need though...is a little bit of the same thing with you..knowing u too much.. and add in the new person she is curious about. And she is gone. The repeat the cycle. You did nothing wrong man, and once they get that excitement from another, all of their mind and heart gets centered on that person to feed off of. If they get mad or bored with them, she may/will call u so she gets that boost, feels guilty, and goes back to the other guy giving him everything. You will play both sides, the regular guy, and the othr guy. But she has total control. The only way you can make it work is to only ne with jer for sex..amd be ok with hr being woth other men. It will work but soon she will pull u bavk into the emotional rollercoaster, and u will ne nack were u are now. Its way too much, way too much high maintenance , amd you sould have higher esteem for yourself otherwise. Give her a challeng, mystery, jealousy, ect. And don't gibe her the time of day. Act like you don't want her.. hell treat her like crap.. and let her see wjat it feels like.. (if you have that in you and can resist her) Be happy ot ended..

[Radu]

OP, does she always wear bright red lipstick ?

[tinker]

Um no, but she does always take like an hour and a half to get ready, sometimes wears a lot of makeup. Why?

[crash9i77]

If you are asking me, then read my post "My bad cheating story" Its long, but i put it all out.

[tinker]

OP, does she always wear bright red lipstick ?

 

No, but she always wears makeup. Takes her over an hour and a half to get ready, straightens her hair even though it's already straight!

 

Why do you ask?