After GIGS?

[leoc1973]

Ok I am trying to get the mindset of someone (preferably a female) who went through gigs and then it hit them that they wanted their man back.

 

Little background. My ex dumped me and moved to the big city for a new job and some kind of dream life. Within the first two weeks I completely ignored her. She then wrote me a long email how hard this is for her and how much she loved me but she "Gotta do me" I hate that saying by the way.

 

We had an apartment together that we rented from her grandfather. So I moved out when she did. She literally went from telling me that she thanks god every night that she found me and she is so happy and feels whole to dumping me out of the blue, selling everything and just leaving. I helped her pack up the U haul at that 2 week mark. In hindsight she needed someone to help her move.

 

A month and a half later she was in town and asked if we could get dinner. We sat in the car for 3 hours talking and she said things like she knows she will regret this someday and she will never find someone she loves like me and she also said wouldn't it be great if a year and a half from now when her contract(for her new job) was up and I was done with school we "found" each other again. I told her be realistic we will both have someone at that point. She cried a lot and didn't seem like she wanted to let me go.

 

After that every month or so she came in town and we had coffee and just caught up. Nothing major but she would always cry till I said lets give it another try then her eyes would dry up and she would say "no can't do it"

 

I find out later she had a boyfriend all along while she was telling me that she had no interest from the opposite sex. She just wanted to be alone.

 

At that point I took her at her word I figured she literally was waiting for a better time for when both our lives would be straight. She always asked me if I was seeing someone(which I usually was but noone I really cared about) She always cried and told me that I am so easy to fall in love with so that girl was probably feeling like she hit the jackpot with me. At this point I found out she had a boyfriend all along that she said she was just passing the time with.

 

After finding about her boyfriend I went NC I told her I could never be with her again if she was with someone else. The thought of being in love with me and her thinking someday we would be together again just disgusted me. I told her good luck and I wish her the best and have a nice life.

 

A month ago (after not hearing from her for 6 months) she asked me for coffee. I said yes. She asked me all the usual questions and also hinted at us giving it another try. I blew it off that I was with someone else. and since that she asked me for coffee 2 more times. She asked my advice on how to break up with her boyfriend and I think she was waiting for me to say lets try again. She even said something like if we were together how would we make it work. I blew it all off. I don't wanna play her games. She either comes right out and asks for me back or screw her!

 

OK I am starting to drag this on too long so I will just get to the point. She wants me back. I told her I don't know because I am with someone else. My question or even some insight on what feelings she's having is. What is going on in her head? We have been apart for over a year now and I am trying to figure out if she just can't get over me or if all along she intended on coming back. How far can I push her? Like I don't want her to think she can come back at any time but I don't know if I wanna lose her forever. I still love her the same as a year ago. I don't want her to pay and suffer but she needs to know that I am not going to always take her back. I am looking for someones insight on what is going on in her head? Like is she freaking out now all of the sudden? What changes someones mind all of the sudden out of the blue?

 

Oh and when I met her last time for lunch she had just changed her hair back to dark brown even tho she hated it that way but I loved it. She had on my favorite blue dress and full makup. Literally dressed like we were going to a wedding. And it was 100 degrees out but she was really trying hard to look great.

[PoppyLove89]

Hello!

 

Well first of all I will ask you one simple question (and it's kind of rhetorical): What are you doing with this 'new' girl in your life if you still have feelings for your ex (which you clearly do) and are going back and forth deciding on whether or to give her a chance? It's not very fair on this new person in your life who is probably buying into everything you tell her and thinking you really have a future together. I only point this out because I think you need to consider her feelings too...

 

Anyway, I'd say your ex is missing the security and comfort of being with you. Has her new relationship ended or hit a rough patch? She could just be feeling nostalgic. How long has/was she with this new boyfriend? Maybe she just wants to see if she can still reel you in? (These are all questions you need to ask yourself)

 

If her relationship has recently ended or she's doubting this new boyfriend's compatibility, the first port-of-call was always going to be you...the stable, long-term ex boyfriend. She's going to want what feels safe and familiar. I say this, because I've been there. When my last relationship ended in November 2011, after a year together, I immediately rang up my ex boyfriend, whom I was with before the one that I'd just broken-up with, for comfort because I just wanted to feel wanted/safe/secure (I was with the ex-ex for three and a half years). Could it be that she's just looking to fill a void? I quickly realised I didn't actually want my ex-ex back, I was just lonely and needed reassurance - which I realised wasn't fair on him so I politely cut contact again, apologising.

 

I'm just throwing suggestions out there. It could be that she really wants to give things a shot but like Wilson always says, I wouldn't take anything short of proverbially coming back crawling on hands and knees...

 

I think you'd be better off giving things a proper shot with the new girl in your life

Edited July 17, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[leoc1973]

Thank you for your reply. Well first of all the new girl dropped the bomb on me that she doesn't want children and I have none and I want them. So kind of aren't seeing each other anymore. From the beginning she was honest with me that she still isn't over her husband and I guess in so many words she was passing time with me. Kinda hurtful but I appreciate her honesty. We still see each other here and there but more for physical reasons. She calls me her boytoy. As a man you always would think it would be great to be used for sex but when it comes down to it not so much.

 

She is still with her boyfriend. She says she doesn't know how to get rid of him because he's an iraq/afghanastan vet with some post war issues and he told her if things don't work out with them he would eat his gun. She told me that all along she has been pretty honest with him and told him she wasn't over me even up until now. But he said he loves her and someday she will learn to love him. I don't know it sounds like a lot of crazyness going on.

 

I have dated 15 to 20 women since the breakup. Some one date and some for up till a month with the new girl being several months. I guess there is always that one person in our minds that no one can ever stack up to and with me its her. It seems to me that I am hers too but who knows people will tell you anything to get what they want.

 

I guess what I am looking for in this post is with women does it ever really hit them that they made a huge mistake like you read all the time or is it more of a "i'm bored and he's safe"

 

I know as a man that when I was younger I made a lot of mistakes with a girl and screwed it up. I chose friends and drinking over her never cheated but after she was gone I did realize how big of a mistake I made. It took me years to get over her and would probably still love to have another chance with her. Just wondering if women think the same way and have that epiphany where they made the biggest mistake of their lives or if it is really all about comfort and boredom?

[wilsonx]

This is where you are going to get in a lot of trouble, let her clean up her own mess. She's looking for a captain save a hoe to rescue her from her GIGS life. Who better then the ex that she left another guy for.

 

Trust me on this, she needs to clean it up on her own. She will screw you over in 1/2 a second flat if you dont let her clean up her own mess. Not only that but she needs to be single for a while. She's still in a relationship.

 

The single part is "CRUCIAL" because she will jump again at the first sign of emotional detachment/fight/whatever. She needs to find herself (can't do that while in a relationship), learn how to deal with pain, learn how to be alone, etc

 

You need to hit the single pond as well. You are bull****ting your ex with what you know is a failed relationship. From what I read you are playing just as many games as she is. Something you should have learned from your "mistake" years ago is open and honest communication.

 

Clean up your mess, if your ex contacts you, tell her to clean up her own mess and contact you again only after she does. You also have to come to the understanding that she may not clean it up, which is why I said you need to hit the single pond as well

Edited July 18, 2012 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

This post is to everyone that wants to know what a gigs mess that needs to be cleaned up on their own. Dont help them.

 

Happiness outside of a relationship (self love)

Finish school

Reconnect with old friends

Deal with addictions (drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc)

Financial

Working on Career

Getting rid of loser friends (gigs friends)

Life Balance

 

They also need date normal people since they are now normal and determine if the ex is really the one that measures up. They might find better, you might find better, you dont know if you dont try. Neither will they.

[PoppyLove89]

Oh alright so you're not fully-together with this new woman? As long as everyone knows the score I suppose it's cool but it all seems a little odd to me...nobody is over their exes completely? People need time to heal after a meaningful/long relationship ends and I'm afraid you may have been a rebound for her? Something fun to take the pain away?

 

Anyway, as for you ex girlfriend - it sounds to me like she's just stuck in an unhappy relationship, trapped if you will, and is looking to her past which now somehow seems brighter and happier than she remembered it the first time round. The problem with this is...everything starts to look more appealing when you're stuck in prison! She might use you as the reason to bail out but once she tastes freedom again, dates a man who doesn't threaten to kill himself if she leaves him, she'll be off again - and I'll bet you anything on that!

 

Do women regret? Yes, I think we do but that doesn't mean we swallow our pride and admit it. Do I regret cutting contact with my ex-ex when I met my last ex? Yes but why? Because my ex turned into a cold-hearted idiot (or words to that effect). Did I really want my ex-ex back? No, I just knew that he'd never treat me the way the ex after him did. I have apologised to my ex-ex but I'd never get back with him...he just seemed shiny and better after what I'd been through, it didn't take long for me to realise that my mind was still very much clouded.

 

Honestly just move on. Cut contact with her until she's sorted herself out - trust Wilson! At this point you just seem like the safer option because she sees no way out with the new guy. You will be used for a couple months until she gets her self-confidence back and then sacked off for someone she deems a 'better match'.

Edited July 18, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[broken-and-lost]

I have to agree with wilson here m8, i know you still love this girl but really think about it she is contacting you because the guy she's left you for isn't what she hoped he would be ?

 

But all that said, at the end of the day it's your life dude can you handle another breakup with this girl if that were to happen?? we all have that girl we wish we never lost and would love to try again with.

[leoc1973]

you guys are right! She needs to be alone for a while. She didn't actually leave me for this guy and till this day her and her good friend who is actually very interested in me told me that she would love to tell me that my ex had cheated on me or left me for another guy but its simply not the case.

 

She cannot be alone. After she broke up with me she was on Match days later looking for a man. At one point I thought she had left me for this rich guy down in the city but he turned out to be her gay best friend. LOL here I am thinking she dumped me for this really good lookin well dressed rich guy and he didn't want anything to do with her.

 

I guess I could get mad about her not respecting the relationship and dating new guys within a week but she was single and she can do what she wants.

 

She dated tons of guys(and probably slept around) right after the breakup and me the guy she is with now about 2 or 3 months after me.

 

She has never been single, actually that 2 months after me while she was looking for someone new was the longest since she was 15. The thing that bothers me the most is that all along when she was meeting me every month or so she was telling me she was single and doesn't want anything to do with men. She even kept her relationship status single for 6 months after we broke up. What kind of guy puts up with that?

 

Anyways. I guess I am probably answering my own questions about what is going on in her head. She is thinking eh I don't like this guy I am with now and Leo was good till I found Mr right.

 

I think I am going to tell her that if she breaks up with the guy she's with now. Give it a little time being single and healing and then gimme a call. Maybe I will still be avaliable. Thoughts?

 

Oh and wilson I was thinking that she went through her gigs cycle almost by the book but I forgot about that alone time she needed. I don't think she will ever let herself be alone tho. Is there some kind of damage there? Someone that can't be alone? Like some kind of disorder?

[wilsonx]

She needs to make decisions on her own. You can say what she needs to change in order to be with you but dont tell her to do things. Otherwise she will always be a sheep without a sense of individuality or making decisions on her own.

 

Youre kicking tires. I see it a mile away. Don't play games and say maybe I will be around. Say something along the lines of "I want you to be happy for yourself and succeed in life. Do these things for you because I know how great of a person and the rest of the world deserves to see what I already see" Be the contrast and be selfless.

 

Ask yourself why you aren't alone right now and in a relationship that is going no where and you will have your answer to your question that some people can never be alone. She might not ever let herself be alone.

[listen_to_me_please]

The thing that bothers me the most is that all along when she was meeting me every month or so she was telling me she was single and doesn't want anything to do with men. She even kept her relationship status single for 6 months after we broke up. What kind of guy puts up with that? ?

 

 

yeah that bothered me too, when it happen to me. Its also code word for "ofcourse I'm having sex with people, and I know your there but I'm trying to find something better and your stupid enough to believe I am innoccent so I'm going to keep lieing to my face until you call me on it, then I am going to tell you to fawk off"

 

Why? Because you are doing SOMETHING beneficial for my life

 

My ex kept her relationship status single for almost an entire year, why I don't know, I know she was fawking someone. In addition, what really odd is, less than 24 hours after I unblocked her from facebook, I seen she changed her relationship status to "In a relationship" which sort of pushed me back a bit but I later realize that whomever her "new" guy was, I guess it wasn't enough to erase me completely from memory.

 

In addition, about 2 years after that, she contacted me on facebook. At first I was nice and civil, eventually I called her a whore and oddly enough, thats when she started to be the person I remembered. Then I just cut all contact and started giving generic one liners to her messages as I thought about it and realize, "Dude, that girl will take your soul if you let her"

 

Sad but true,

Edited July 19, 2012 by listen_to_me_please

[leoc1973]

Wilson you are completely right. I actually didn't realize it till I started this post. A friend of mine from way back and I started talking on facebook(beautiful educated woman) she told me how empty her life is because she chose career and to be a partner in her firm over family kids and now her last boyfriend left her because of it. She is lost and so sad. I told my ex about her because I see her going down the same path.

 

She pretty much is killing time with this new guy and is going to finish her doctorate this year. I said look I care about you. I don't think I can ever make you happy and I want you to find yourself a guy that you can really love and have a family because I don't want you to end up some day realizing what you gave up. My ex is 29 and the other girl my friend is 39. But you are so right. I am giving her so many mixed signals she probably has no idea if I am coming or going. LOL!! I didn't even do it intentionally.

 

And the girl I was seeing and I just broke it off today. I guess we were using each other for some lovin' but we are both too old to be wasting each others time. I have been single for a year here or there. I can be happy single but obviously I get lonely just like everyone else.

 

And Listen to me please(the other poster not saying to listen to me, Haha) I can understand why she did it. Yes because she wanted to go nail whomever she wanted and not burn the bridge with me but this guy and her are in a full blown relationship. Its not casual, he is actually her boyfriend. If a girl I was with was telling me that she wants to keep her relationship status single while we were together to save her ex's feelings or keep her options open or whatever reason I would tell her thats fine but it means we are not exclusive. I will date/sleep with whomever I want too.