Confused pain

[Sarebear]

I have really done it this time. Some may remember me from way back, trying to choose between two men, one who treated me like gold, and one who I had a huge history with. I was not able to choose for a year. I continued to live with J, with whom I had the history, and get by, but never truly happy. At the same time I remained friends with the one that treated me like gold, let's call him N. Things with J have gone in circles, going over the same crap, having the same fights with the same answers and results.

 

I finally decided to go for the one that treats me like gold because I think that is how one should feel when in love, not like someone's mother who is taken for granted. He went away for the weekend and I was going to surprise him when he got back. When he got back he told me he had met someone else and he couldn't give me any more of himself. I begged him to rethink his decision as just last week he proposed again.

 

He wouldn't reconsider. I now find myself lost, deeply depressed. I am on antidepressants and I have doubled my dosage but I keep sinking into horrible suicidal moments or self destructive ones where I blame myself for being too blind to see how wonderfully he treated me, blame myself for losing the best person I ever knew, and severely dumping truckloads of guilt upon myself. I haven't eaten since I found out.

 

I just don't know what to do now. I going to see my psychiatrist in a few days but I haven't been to see him for two years, not since I last hit such a depression. I just feel so lost and locked into this cycle of pain and self-abuse. I don't know how to survive, and to be totally honest I don't think I care to. I only seem to hurt people and make completely stupid and selfish decisions.

 

I still live with J, but he hates N and if he knew why I was upset and so down he would leave me in a second. I don't know what to do. I so value J as a friend. Now that things are as they are I am looking over the whole J situation. It isn't that I am treated like his mother, if anything he is treated more like one, he does the cleaning etc. and I never notice.

 

Oh God I just don't know what to do, where I am. It seems I can't feel anything but this heavy pain on my heart. My work is being affected.

 

Can anyone help me out there?

 

Thanks,

 

Sarebear

[Tony T]

So you are learning and that's good. You need to clean up your life and get it going in a new direction.

 

I don't know exactly what your relationship was with N but it seems he was a friend you admired, maybe more, but you were living with J, with whom you are not happy.

 

N had every right to look for and find someone to have a relationship with. I would have advised him to do so. It seems you got interested in more with him when you detected he had found someone. That's normal.

 

My advice is to clear both of these men out of your life right now. Write J off. It just isn't working and it doesn't seem it's going to work. Write N off too, for now anyway. I really don't understand why you went into such a deep depression over not being able to get with him, except perhaps that you had wanted to for a very long time. I hope you learned your lesson there.

 

Get away from this whole situation. Start a new life apart from these men. Start doing a better job of picking men...date those who show a genuine interest in you and an interest in romancing you. Don't remain with men who take you for granted. If you aren't going to look out for yourself, I promise nobody else will either.

 

Don't get into living situations with men that you can't quickly get out of. Don't get yourself financially or otherwise trapped into living with someone you are miserable with.

 

So take whatever time you need to get on with your life. Heal from all the misery you have been suffering. You really do need some time off away from men to start feeling better about yourself. J really took away a lot of your self esteem.

 

Life is meant to be positive, to be happy. Life must be mastered. When you let other people drag you down and get you into major depression medication, you are not being master over your life.

 

Also, I'm not a doctor but the depression you now suffer from is, in my opinion, reactive depression which usually does not respond to antidepressants. Antidepressants are prescribed for those who suffer chemical depression. Reactive depression is caused by life events, such as the one you are going through. You will have to get through it with the help of your doctor and by controlling your thoughts and putting a major effort into getting your life back in order.

 

Strive to do whatever you can to make yourself happy and stay away from people and situations that make you sad. BE IN CONTROL!!!

[Sarebear]

Just last week N proposed again, so this was an incredible shock. I have been suffering depression on and off for five years now, on medication for two. This past year has been incredible stressful trying to choose between the two men.

 

I am the one who told N to move on and find someone else. He said he never would be able to, that he would wait for me to decide as he knew it is not an easy decision, and then this. I guess what I have to face is that he didn't love me like he said he did.

 

It probably is a reactive depression so hopefully my shrink will teach me some management techniques so I can handle life again.

 

I am still not too sure about leaving J. I feel unsure about him because I have been interested in N, but I was never sure about either because they are so completely different. I am not being very clear am I?

 

Space is definitely what I need.

[Pair a Fries]

A sandwich, made by yourself for yourself. Once you realize you don't need N or J to continue living, things will straighten themselves out. If you feel real bad, have two sandwiches, then dance to a catchy song (in socks).

[willie]

I have really done it this time. Some may remember me from way back, trying to choose between two men, one who treated me like gold, and one who I had a huge history with. I was not able to choose for a year. I continued to live with J, with whom I had the history, and get by, but never truly happy. At the same time I remained friends with the one that treated me like gold, let's call him N. Things with J have gone in circles, going over the same crap, having the same fights with the same answers and results. I finally decided to go for the one that treats me like gold because I think that is how one should feel when in love, not like someone's mother who is taken for granted. He went away for the weekend and I was going to surprise him when he got back. When he got back he told me he had met someone else and he couldn't give me any more of himself. I begged him to rethink his decision as just last week he proposed again.

 

He wouldn't reconsider. I now find myself lost, deeply depressed. I am on antidepressants and I have doubled my dosage but I keep sinking into horrible suicidal moments or self destructive ones where I blame myself for being too blind to see how wonderfully he treated me, blame myself for losing the best person I ever knew, and severely dumping truckloads of guilt upon myself. I haven't eaten since I found out. I just don't know what to do now. I going to see my psychiatrist in a few days but I haven't been to see him for two years, not since I last hit such a depression. I just feel so lost and locked into this cycle of pain and self-abuse. I don't know how to survive, and to be totally honest I don't think I care to. I only seem to hurt people and make completely stupid and selfish decisions. I still live with J, but he hates N and if he knew why I was upset and so down he would leave me in a second. I don't know what to do. I so value J as a friend. Now that things are as they are I am looking over the whole J situation. It isn't that I am treated like his mother, if anything he is treated more like one, he does the cleaning etc. and I never notice. Oh God I just don't know what to do, where I am. It seems I can't feel anything but this heavy pain on my heart. My work is being affected.

 

Can anyone help me out there? Thanks, Sarebear

What i suggest you do is remove yourself from your situation with J, the one with the history. History doesn't necessarily mean happiness. You may have been truly happy at one time.

 

And it does seem this J does a lot of things for you, but, apparently you found something you need in N. You blew it with him. Don't cling to J now just because it keeps you from being alone. Find what you were looking for in J. It's out there. Don't cling to history if the history doesn't make you completely happy.