Help! Problems with "cheebah" too! Is it a big deal?

[supergirl79]

My boyfriend quit smoking pot for me, hell I can't even handle cigarettes most of time! Uptight a ilttle, yes, I've since relaxed my values on the cigarettes, porn, and constant video game playing - but there is one thing that still really bothers me that I"ve tried to be understanding about. My boyfriend all of sudden starting smoking pot occasionally with his friend (that has since moved), although most of his other friends do not do this. He's got a great job and doesn't do it all the time, but still, every time he sees the marijuana plant - he get annoyingly giddy about it, mind you - he's nearly 30. I think we're too old to be smoking this all the time, I think it's a stage that should have passed by now. He thinks it's not a big deal and is just like smoking cigarettes or drinking. In a way, I can see his point, but I still can't get over how much it bothers me! Now he's trying to get me to do it, and I have twice just to satisfy this urge - figured I'd rather do it with him than have him sneak it behind my back and in an attempt to try and understand why it's so important.

 

I know there could be way worse substances that he could be using, but this has never been acceptable to me and now I'm trying to talk myself into accepting it just to allow him to be who he wants. At the same time, I've told him it bothers me but he does and still will do it regardless. Am I making too big of a deal over this? Do you think this is a phase that will pass? I unintentionally opened the door for it when I told him I need to try and understand and want him to be who he is....now he almost craves it all the time because he feels that it's acceptable! I"m not sure what to do here....please help!

[supergirl79]

Oh yeah, one more thing to add - he used to be a very HEAVY pot smoker back in the college years, even selling it causing him to flunk out of school one semester. He used to do it ALL the time! Should I worry about him starting that strong of a habit up again?

[famthera]

It's an interesting dilemma because you did set out the ground rules and then gave lee-way and it does sound like he is taking advantage of it. You said that you know that it isn't as bad as other drugs (which I personally agree with) and that you are trying to understand it. That is good. I think what needs to be asked is what exactly about his behavior (or attitude) in relation to the pot is bothering you? Or not bothering you?

 

Do you think he will start dealing again or maybe he is just happy to be high again? I gave up pot once for a boyfriend and the night we broke up I started back up after a year of abstinence and was too very giddy.

 

At the same time, it sounds like you have both tried to compromise on your values (him abstaining and you accepting). At least you have that foundation to start from.

[VeryConcernedGuy]

It sounds to me like he DOESN'T Respect you.

 

You have asked him to stop and he still does on occassion.

 

Maybe you could try, rewarding him a little by letting him know if he doesn't smoke the pot, he'll get something special from you instead (and no, I'm not inferring sex) anything that he likes to do, reward him with it.

 

P.S. If you guys are having sex, then offer that to him also (See if he really respects you and your decisions)

 

If this doesn't work, then maybe you need to work out what you want in a partner and if smoking pot isn't part of your ideal partner then, you have some SERIOUS thinking to do.

 

I hope this helps.

[supergirl79]

I did set ground rules in the beginning, but he said i was trying to "control" him by telling him he can't do it. What I should have said and stood my ground on is, if he continues to do it, I will leave. Now, I feel like we're too far along in the relationship and my heart is too devoted to him to break up with him because of that. However, if it's an issue of him not respecting me, then I have something to think about. I thnk there is some disrespect going on in the relationship, but that's a completely different topic unrelated to this issue. I definitely think he's taking advantage of my opening the door, but I didn't want to be classified as controlling anymore. I agree with him that you can't tell someone they can or can't do something, but he is notorious for turning it around on me knowing I'd cave.

 

I do not think he'll start dealing again, but he has set up some exchanges as the "middle man" and brings home a small portion I guess they consider "his share" for setting up the deal. I definitely think this situation isn't part of my ideal partner, but I keep thinking that it'll pass and then I won't have to worry about it. I'm not sure what bothers me so much about pot, I think it's the concept behind it...the fact you have to sneak around to get it, pay a bunch of money for it, hide it from people (including me). And I guess the fact that he acts like a child when he's on it, laughing at stupid stuff and doing dumb things - frankly I don't mind if people want to act silly, but then I'm associated with his behavior and I get embarassed sometimes. I just think it's unfair for him to hide it from me in the beginning and conform to what I believe in, then he gets my heart, and then does whatever he wants! Now he pretty much knows I won't leave him because of it and that's hard for me to accept!

[Confused123]

I say BIG DEAL!!! So you man likes to smoke the weed. Does it make him miss work ,does he disrespect you when he is high, does he not have any money cause it spends it all on pot. I mean give me a break, smoking weed is NO BIG deal. People have all this stupid hang ups about it. Yeah, it is illegal, but it shouldn't be. People get in more accidents and beat their wives more when they are drunk then when thet are stoned.

 

Clearly from my repsonse I enjoy smoking weed. I have been doing it for many years. I have a good paying job, I am a responsible person. However, i always have and probably always will enjoy my little green friend. But, if you are someone that doesn't like pot, well then he should respect it, if he told you he would do it and does, then that is an issue.

 

However, i can't understand why you would need to put so much control over someone. If my boyfriend told me to stop smoking weed, I would tell him that I enjoy it, did it before he came along and I am not interesting in having someone I am in a relationship with tell me what I can and cannot do. I mean it is not like this guy is doing crack and stealing your money. He is chilling with his friends and smoking alittle weed. Loosen up honey....

 

Now everyone says weed is the gateway drug. Partly true, when I was younger I started with weed and experimented with many other drugs. However, I am 26 now and I only smoke weed. Your boyfriend was a big pot head in college, who wasn't, I was, but i would never smoke that much weed again.

 

I suggest you let your man be who he is within limits. In my opinion there is nothing worse then someone who tries to change you, once you are together. I say let him enjoy alittle weed.....

[miz_barby]

Okay just my 2 cents.....I used to smoke MJ with my BF for the first almost year of our relationship (I did it a little before I met him and him the same but we smoked everyday sometimes a couple times a day together) it got so that he ended up having an anxiety attack (which the doctor said was partially from the MJ and partially from his past issues) anyway from that day on we stopped dead! No more smoking period.

 

My point is no matter what his habbits were before if he wants to stop for good he can, and if he doesn't but you want him to then he probably won't do it.

 

I agree that no one has that much (or should have that much control) over another person but if you're not comfortable with it and you feel that it's interrupting the life you two have then talk to him about it.

 

Personally I think if he can keep his job, function normal at home and in public, isn't treating you bad, and basically it isn't affecting his normal every day life then what's the problem? If he doesn't want to stop and you can't deal with it maybe you should

move on and be with someone who's MJ free but a lot of people do it nowdays so Good luck either way!

[supergirl79]

I do agree with all of you, I'm probably a little too uptight about it and think that just because I don't agree with it means that he shouldn't do it either. And you're right, if it's not affecting his job, then what's the big deal. However, the one thing that really bothers me is it's made him VERY lazy! He even told me that's why - we used to go out and do stuff all the time, he used to workout and be really active, then he started smoking again and it seems like he just wants to lay around on the couch and watch tv. not that I mind doing that sometimes, but he just is lacking the "go-getter" attitude he used to have. I"m sure it's more than the pot, but that's what he says anyway.

[miz_barby]

MJ will do that to ya sometimes! Maybe he feels it's time to take it easy since he has a job, a woman, a home, well maybe he feels it's time to take it easy and enjoy life!

[supergirl79]

That's very true! All of the stresses surrouding the daily life can be a bit overwhelming! And I"m a high stress case anyway, he's always joking with me that I need to smoke pot more! haha...

[miz_barby]

hahaha! Ya never know it could do ya some good! J/K you should only do what feels right!