Dumpee possibly being pursued by the dumper

[DisGai]

Hi there,

 

It's been a while since I've posted. Here's a little back-story:

 

Dated from senior year of high school, went off to different colleges (long-distance). After 2 years, got dumped by girl who presumably is going through GIGS. Told me she loved me like a best friend/brother but not like a lover, and she felt that she was attracted to another guy who was pursuing her, so she had to leave me.

 

I was devastated for a couple weeks, but picked myself up and went NC/complete social-media barricade. Initially NC was to maximize my chances of getting back with her (unfortunately), but it turned into my desire to focus on myself and only myself. It was going well minus stalking every once in a while.

 

Fast-forward ~2 months, she called me a couple times in the middle of the night; I ignored reluctantly. She then texted/chatted me a couple times over the span of a few weeks; I ignored.

 

Then ~3 months after the breakup, she called me like mad (~50 calls) and texted me, begging me to pickup. I told her, "I can't right now." This was the first time I spoke a word to her since the breakup. She got frustrated and said, "You don't think this is important? I'm so lost. I still love you so much. I don't know what to do." I responded again, "I can't right now."

 

This was terribad..brought up all the false hope that I tried so hard to bury. Couple weeks went by and I waited for her to contact me, but nothing came. Picked myself up again and moved along.

 

About a month later (this is ~4 months after the breakup), I found myself interested in/attracted to another girl. It was quite a weird feeling.. I wouldn't have thought that I'd be attracted to someone else so soon. Buttttt, the EX tried to contact me again through text: "Can we talk?" I ignored, and she tried again. I said "I'm busy right now," which was understandable, I was in the middle of final exams. But I was just ignoring her.

 

Fast forward 1 month, and she contacted me again a couple times via text, asking if we could talk. I ignored, to which she responded, "Can we not have a single conversation?" I bluntly said, "I don't want to" but later felt bad and agreed to call her when I could.

 

Finally, I called her, and it was quite an unfruitful conversation, all small talk. I could hear her sniffling in the background. Then after a long, awkward pause, she asked me if I hated her. I chuckled, said no, and said I was ignoring her because I wasn't ready to be talking to her (I hoped she would take that as, I'm not over you yet). Unfortunately, she asked me, "So can we be friends now?" I said no, apologized, and told her I hope she understood. She was holding in her tears really badly at this point and said she understood. This convo probably relieved a lot of guilt for her; I was friendly and conversed pretty naturally. Anddd, she learned that I didn't hate her.

 

Fast forward 1 month (now), and she was on my mind (and in my dreams) a lot for the past few days; it was rough. Then she decided to drop by again to say hello. I said hey back, and she said a couple of our mutual friends came over to chill/swim at her house, and said I should have come (Note: she's been butting into hangouts between our mutual friends, causing me to flake/miss out on a lot of fun merely to avoid seeing her). I told her I was at work, and she joked, "Woo look at you working man". Then came, "Can we get foodsss". I haven't responded.

 

At this point, I am afraid to say that I am not over her, so I don't want to pursue any opportunity to get her back. My friends are telling me that even for her, it's probably unclear whether she wants me back or is just testing out the waters and friend-zoning me (relieving guilt at the same time).

 

I thought I had myself all under control, but this is rough. I don't know what to do. As much as I want to ignore her forever.. I... I.. don't know.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I feel like she regretted leaving you. However, you seem to be deathly afraid of being hurt again. My advice is...if there is doubt in your mind, then don't attempt anything.

[steelgator]

I would say take the chance because it seems like she is worse than you at the time...plus she called like 50 times in one night. I had a female best friend for over one year and all our mutual friends said to try for her because she thought i was cute. I spilled my feelings and she said she didn't feel the same and wasn't ready for a relationship(she had just been hurt). Said we shouldn't talk until im over her...well she tried butting into our mutual friends visits and at one party wouldn't stop staring at me(i ignored her the whole time)...at this time it was my now ex's birthday and she had no idea that we were about to make it official...had no clue we were dating. We made it FB official the next day and that weekend was my Fraternity formal and she was my date...well my former best friend texts me...first contact in months saying LOL your dating "insert name here" i said yea so what? shes like im happy ur over me how is ur formal? i said we were fighting(we were). Shes like im sorry...should've taken me . Then i said this sucks that she's unhappy with me then she's like "yea i wish we were together". i asked do you really mean that? she quickly fixed herself and said i wish you were with ur date. All i'm saying is you'll never know unless you take the chance...but do it once you can take the possibility of being rejected again. Hang out as friends a couple times and see where it goes.

[DisGai]

Any more input?

 

Time and time again here on LS, people say that if the girl doesn't come crawling back, begging, it's simply not worth it. That means I make 0% effort to see what happens, right?

[KatZee]

If she's not giving you any definitive statement of, "I messed up and I miss you a lot, can we talk about the relationship" then no, don't pursue anything. You're definitely not over her.

 

Besides, look at what she's said to you. "Can we be FRIENDS now?" She also invited you to hang with everyone, not one on one, and she just sends a message of "can we get fooodsss"?? what the hell is that? You two barely even talk and she wants to go get fooodsss?

 

I think it's clear she misses your presence on some level but I'm not sure it's a romantic one, and if you're not over her, you're just asking to be led on and hurt.

[The Tallest One]

I agree 100% with katzee, if your not over her and don't know for sure what she wants, don't do anything or you will risk further pain.

 

Don't let this become a roller coaster relationship. Don't settle for someone who isn't completely sure what they want, it will only mess with your head and you don't deserve that.

[DisGai]

If she's not giving you any definitive statement of, "I messed up and I miss you a lot, can we talk about the relationship" then no, don't pursue anything. You're definitely not over her.

 

Besides, look at what she's said to you. "Can we be FRIENDS now?" She also invited you to hang with everyone, not one on one, and she just sends a message of "can we get fooodsss"?? what the hell is that? You two barely even talk and she wants to go get fooodsss?

 

I think it's clear she misses your presence on some level but I'm not sure it's a romantic one, and if you're not over her, you're just asking to be led on and hurt.

 

Not trying to retaliate against what you're saying, but how about this:

 

In her position, isn't the most logical and emotionally stable way of interacting with me (if she is interested in getting me back) to try to hang out with mutual friends? Would it not be awkward if she spontaneously asked me to see her 1 on 1? Wouldn't it be more natural for her to subtly reach out to me by coexisting amongst our friends, then, perhaps, after it seems comfortable at that point, a 1 on 1 would seem more appropriate?

 

Some of my friends have been telling me that she could be afraid of confessing and being completely vulnerable again, because it might me push me further away. That one night when she went berserk calling me a bajillion times, I didn't reciprocate any emotions, so she might be going for a different approach.

 

Yeah, I'm still steadfast upon my decision to ignore her, but if she insists on getting a meal with her again, I may have to give in and just see what exactly she is doing... but I will guard my heart and set the lowest of expectations, hopefully.

[Rorschach64]

Best thing to do here is to ask you what are you willing to sacrifice or accept or deal with etc.

 

Would you be okay with being friend zoned? Would you be okay seeing her and being emotionally compromised? Would you be okay with a maybe about getting back together including dealing with restarting? Of course the following can be a combination of those events.

 

Personally, if I would to answer no to any of those I would cease any contact for the sake of your sanity and desires. You do not have to explain anything to her and you do not owe her anything.

[DisGai]

Best thing to do here is to ask you what are you willing to sacrifice or accept or deal with etc.

 

Would you be okay with being friend zoned? Would you be okay seeing her and being emotionally compromised? Would you be okay with a maybe about getting back together including dealing with restarting? Of course the following can be a combination of those events.

 

Personally, if I would to answer no to any of those I would cease any contact for the sake of your sanity and desires. You do not have to explain anything to her and you do not owe her anything.

 

I agree with you. But the thing is, how can I really know if I'm okay with all of the above questions?

 

Being friend zoned would suck (it feels good when a girl likes/wants me ), but I'm sure I can deal with it. I've never seen her yet, so I don't know if I'd get emotionally compromised; as of now, I feel like I won't. I think I'd be more than okay with a maybe about getting back together.

 

While talking about this with some of my friends, a couple of 'em said they'd slyly ask her what she feels about the breakup/me. I feel kinda "meh..." that they're doing that for me, but at least I'll have an idea right?

 

All in all, I've grown to be happy with where I'm at and tried very hard to let the breakup be a growing experience for me. Did I grow? Most definitely; I understand the mistakes I've made, the mistakes she made, and I have a grasp of what went wrong in our relationship. But I'm worried that a second chance is not possible when I continued to have feelings for her throughout (minus that short period of time when I felt attracted to another girl). She's been crossing my mind more as of late bc of all her attempts to contact. Is it a bad idea to see her then?

 

I think I could handle seeing her/grabbing a meal with her. I'm not afraid. What do you guys think?

[Rorschach64]

Personally, I would not want to be friend zoned or have to deal with it.

 

 

What your friends suggested is fine to ask and healthy but more often than not I am wililng to bet what you hear won't be anything awesome.

 

Yes it is dangerous, especially since you still have feelings for her, but if I was in your shoes I'd at least meet her to talk about you two but nothing incredibly serious or declaring your undying love for her (you get the point).

 

As the saying goes "Nothing ventured, nothing gained", you won't know any answers if you don't venture in to the unknown but are you ready to accept the possible consquences is what I was getting at.

 

Have fun, talk about the break up if you feel the need to, but firm in the fact that you still don't want to be friends.

[DisGai]

Personally, I would not want to be friend zoned or have to deal with it.

 

 

What your friends suggested is fine to ask and healthy but more often than not I am wililng to bet what you hear won't be anything awesome.

 

Yes it is dangerous, especially since you still have feelings for her, but if I was in your shoes I'd at least meet her to talk about you two but nothing incredibly serious or declaring your undying love for her (you get the point).

 

As the saying goes "Nothing ventured, nothing gained", you won't know any answers if you don't venture in to the unknown but are you ready to accept the possible consquences is what I was getting at.

 

Have fun, talk about the break up if you feel the need to, but firm in the fact that you still don't want to be friends.

 

Thank you for the sound advice We'll see if I'm ready to accept the consequences.. I'll try to keep my expectations at their lowest.

[DisGai]

Update: 5 days later

 

She texted me again last night: "Michaelll" to which I responded, "Yeah?" She didn't reply back for a good two hours..I got a little frustrated and was tempted to ask her why she was texting me if she's not going to respond back, so I said, "Can I ask you something?"

 

The next morning she said she her phone had died and was wondering what I was going to ask, so I said it was nothing and asked her why she had contacted me in the first place... Then came a seemingly playful chat.

 

She insisted that I tell her, and I just said it was nothing again. She said "You can't do thatttttt!" and I responded back in a similar way, "Do what I want hah.. But what's up, really?" She responded, "Pfft fine. I'll get it out of you later cuz it's going to bother me now.. Are you busy today?" I said I was planning on watching batman with friends later, and she goes "When when! Take me take me!" I said, "Lolol excited huh? I'm not sure if anyone else wants to" (which was honest), and she goes "Let's gooooo I've been waiting for months and I still haven't watched it I feel guilty.. A horrible fan."

 

---------------------

 

^I apologize for the verbiage, but does that not sound uncomfortable to read? I don't even talk to her anymore, have not even seen her, but she's just talking to me as if I'm a friend :/.

 

I want to ask her straight up, "I guess it's a little more appropriate to ask this now hah, it's gonna be a bit blunt.. Why're you reaching out to me?" Andddd, should I end up going to the movies with just her if it turns out that way?

Edited July 22, 2012 by DisGai

[salmagundi]

Well...I will say you've got her champing at the bit, so bravo for that.

 

You know that you still have feelings so you know you want to see her. If you can deal with not hearing what you want to hear and finding that she in fact doesn't want to leap back into your waiting arms then a movie would be a fairly harmless way to see her again. I guess 'managed expectations' are the important thing here.

[DisGai]

Well...I will say you've got her champing at the bit, so bravo for that.

 

You know that you still have feelings so you know you want to see her. If you can deal with not hearing what you want to hear and finding that she in fact doesn't want to leap back into your waiting arms then a movie would be a fairly harmless way to see her again. I guess 'managed expectations' are the important thing here.

 

Managing expectations indeed But how would it sound for me to ask her why she's reaching out to me? A bit too deep? Shall I just approach this as surface-leveled as possible?

[salmagundi]

well, honestly...I don't know. But if you straight out ask her what she wants, what do you expect her to say "I want to go to the movie so that I can use that as pretext to get back together with you." ? That sorta feels like your already imposing your expectations on this meeting.

 

I would keep life simple. If you can deal with disappointment and you feel psychologically ready to learn that in fact, your ex is a flake looking for an easy ego boost and has no intention of discussing getting back with you, then go, enjoy her company, enjoy the movie, see what happens. If its nothing, then say good night and pick up where you left off.

 

If you feel that learning she is not interested in getting back together is going to really disappoint you and set you back, then don't go.

 

Personally, I'd go just because if I didn't I would always wonder what she might have said. At least by going you'll be sure...

[DisGai]

well, honestly...I don't know. But if you straight out ask her what she wants, what do you expect her to say "I want to go to the movie so that I can use that as pretext to get back together with you." ? That sorta feels like your already imposing your expectations on this meeting.

 

I would keep life simple. If you can deal with disappointment and you feel psychologically ready to learn that in fact, your ex is a flake looking for an easy ego boost and has no intention of discussing getting back with you, then go, enjoy her company, enjoy the movie, see what happens. If its nothing, then say good night and pick up where you left off.

 

If you feel that learning she is not interested in getting back together is going to really disappoint you and set you back, then don't go.

 

Personally, I'd go just because if I didn't I would always wonder what she might have said. At least by going you'll be sure...

 

Yeah, you're absolutely right. I texted her (as nicely as possible), asking why she was reaching out to me. She just said she wanted to reconnect haha (what does that even mean). So we ended up talking on the phone, and it was a pretty playful/joking 30-minute long conversation, and now we are currently trying to gather some of our mutual friends to go watch Batman.

 

I'm hoping I'll get the chance to talk to her one on one and ask her to elaborate on what she meant by "reconnect".

 

Edit: Yeah, I might just let today just be 100% surface-level interaction. If she says she has feelings for me and wants me back, I will have no basis of whether I still like her or not. So I think I need to hang out with her a few times before I can see what she wants. At the same time, I'll keep my guard up

Edited July 22, 2012 by DisGai

[salmagundi]

I think that sounds pretty good. Having mutual friends around will force you to take things easy, there will be less pressure to go overboard trying to talk through things than a one on one meetup.

 

I wouldn't honestly overanalyze anything she says. By 'reconnect' she could mean anything. Obviously, she's not going to just blurt out her real intentions (whatever they may be) over the phone before you guys start talking face to face.

 

Good luck and tell us how it goes...

[Boynextdoor]

Yeah, you're absolutely right. I texted her (as nicely as possible), asking why she was reaching out to me. She just said she wanted to reconnect haha (what does that even mean). So we ended up talking on the phone, and it was a pretty playful/joking 30-minute long conversation, and now we are currently trying to gather some of our mutual friends to go watch Batman.

 

I'm hoping I'll get the chance to talk to her one on one and ask her to elaborate on what she meant by "reconnect".

 

Edit: Yeah, I might just let today just be 100% surface-level interaction. If she says she has feelings for me and wants me back, I will have no basis of whether I still like her or not. So I think I need to hang out with her a few times before I can see what she wants. At the same time, I'll keep my guard up

 

Dude I am somewhat in the same shoe like you. 2 days ago my ex called me @ 4am wanted to see me and such. Thinks that I was in question 3 months ago when we broke up coz she was damn cold that time. (My apologies to my words). Moving on, She wanted to see me and such though my availability varies. She was so asking about my off,myschedule,everyone my friends, my sisters. Thanks that I didnt imagine of her doing.

 

Now I got my tix for batman the other day. I asked her if she could go with me yesterday if she aint got nothing to do but she declined since yesterday was a family day. Sent her a message last night if in any case she would be pretty much available today that my offer still stand. Since my ticket would only be valid today. Well, Go or no go its ok. Since she told me that she wouldnt be sure since she have some errands to attend with her dad. Hope she does make it so we could gladly enjoy the comfortability of watching batman with a lazy boy,unlimited popcorn and drinks. Perfect spot for a catch up .

[DisGai]

Just got back from a friendly and unawkward "date." Our friends flaked, so it ended up being just the two of us haha. But I'm gonna have to say, in summary, that felt very friendesque and nothing more. I didn't really have any expectations, so I can't say that whatever happened is disappointing, but I think, after nearly 6 months of separation, I can say that I don't really picture us being together in the future.

 

I definitely felt nostalgic of our past relationship and wanted to just.. hold her, but something felt a bit off. I'm quite unsure how I should be taking this or how I should be feeling.

 

She being my first, it's uneasy for me to think that I'm actually letting her go now. I'm not sure if I'm going to be missing her or merely missing being in a relationship with her. Am I just numbed of my emotions? Is it really just over like this? Could I fall for her at a later time (Not necessarily that I want to)? It's hard to think that all her efforts were just to get an ego boost off of my presence.

[Phanpooh]

still didn't get over her ? that mean you still find her interesting... and as i said, if you find sb interesting, give a chance " you r interesting, sometime, you need to invite me for some coffee )" and believe me, if there is sth called "love", things will happen, if not, enjoy your coffee. IF you are AFRAID of pain, leave her alone...

[Skalabanan]

DisGai I think your dealing with the whole situation really well.

 

I don't personally buy the whole if she wants you back she'll be knocking down your door, any reconciliation especially after 6 months will have to play out like your starting a new relationship. You can take all the positives from the past relationship but you need to also approach it with a clean slate.

 

I'd continue to keep LC with her and just see how it pans out, go in hoping for the best but expecting the worst, you would've matured and healed greatly since the break up so use that in your future plans with or without your ex.

[DisGai]

DisGai I think your dealing with the whole situation really well.

 

I don't personally buy the whole if she wants you back she'll be knocking down your door, any reconciliation especially after 6 months will have to play out like your starting a new relationship. You can take all the positives from the past relationship but you need to also approach it with a clean slate.

 

I'd continue to keep LC with her and just see how it pans out, go in hoping for the best but expecting the worst, you would've matured and healed greatly since the break up so use that in your future plans with or without your ex.

 

I've actually started to side with that too--that an EX (the dumper) doesn't need to crawl and beg to show that she is interested again.

 

But the thing is, I picked her up from her house thinking it'd be difficult for me to treat her as a friend and not the girl that I used to love. Surprisingly, I kept my walls up high, and our interactions felt very shallow. Although this was good in a way (to prevent a heartbreak) and although we had a good time laughing, joking, etc., it felt really unfulfilling for me at the end of the day.

 

I can't tell if that's a signal that I've lost interest for her, or is it just that I was too afraid/hesitant about letting my guard down? Again, I thought I was really into her (and that I was not over her), but it didn't feel that way

[Skalabanan]

I've actually started to side with that too--that an EX (the dumper) doesn't need to crawl and beg to show that she is interested again.

 

But the thing is, I picked her up from her house thinking it'd be difficult for me to treat her as a friend and not the girl that I used to love. Surprisingly, I kept my walls up high, and our interactions felt very shallow. Although this was good in a way (to prevent a heartbreak) and although we had a good time laughing, joking, etc., it felt really unfulfilling for me at the end of the day.

 

I can't tell if that's a signal that I've lost interest for her, or is it just that I was too afraid/hesitant about letting my guard down? Again, I thought I was really into her (and that I was not over her), but it didn't feel that way

 

You might've subconciously answered your question in what I made bold.

 

Keep approaching this as you are and I think you'll be fine, you sound like someone who is very grounded and is well on his way to healing fully.

 

She has to make the legwork in regards to your potential reconciliation, you've acted admirably and the ball is in her court now.

[Rorschach64]

The whole they have to come crawling back on their belly thing is more in lines with they will attempt their damnedest to speak to you. Yes sometimes it does follow that phrase to the letter but sometimes not.

 

Skalabanan is right about second chance when they just come poking their head back in to your life. You could ignore them, talk to them and dump your emotional baggage from your break up on them, or act like you are fine with everything (joke with them, smile, have a good time, be the old you).

 

Obviously the be the old you approach has the best chance of a reconciliation but it also runs the risk of friend's zone, which is why you have to play it right.

 

Anyway, reading from what you have been doing Dis and your reactions I feel like you are developing hopes for something. Nothing overt mind you but slowly and deeply, it seems like you will be attached and have hopes of getting back together with her.

 

The notion of wanting to hug her, the analyzing, and I know I've acted like you are now before trying to get a previous ex back.

 

You should be careful, but judging from your interactions with her you are indeed doing pretty well.

 

I guess for now stay the course and good luck 'cause I hope you do succeed! Keep us updated!

[DisGai]

I have to admit.. I am seeing some hope in us again. But not so much as to get shattered if she just wants to friend-zone me.

 

@Skalabanan, perhaps I did fall out of love for her, but I don't think I'm "over" her.. does that make sense? I guess I was just so accustomed to being in a relationship with her.

 

She definitely is attractive to me (personality-wise and physically), but--this is getting a little off topic--is it a bad sign that I notice some minor things that I don't really find attractive about her? I mean, in our previous relationship, I was able to overlook these things (because I loved her), but I was wondering if my "new" attraction is fruitless if it is not pure and utter awe of the lady. Or perhaps I am just being picky and annoying, haha.

 

Anyways, thank you all for the advice and encouragement. I will definitely keep y'all updated.

 

One last thing though, she should be initiating all meet-ups right? Nothing comes from my end?