Dumpee possibly being pursued by the dumper

[Skalabanan]

I feel the more you initiate going forward the bigger fall your setting yourself up for.

 

Having said that your situation is alien to me so one of the big boys on here will be able to advise you more suitably?

[DisGai]

I feel the more you initiate going forward the bigger fall your setting yourself up for.

 

Having said that your situation is alien to me so one of the big boys on here will be able to advise you more suitably?

 

Hahaha, your words have been just as suitable and useful, Skalabanan.

 

But yeah, definitely, I should not be initiating anything (what was I thinking?)

 

So, I was reading through this thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/270815-houston-we-have-contact-11.html) and read some very interesting advice: mainly the sentiment about turning the tables and letting her be in my position (confusion).. she needs to feel that I am continuing to be unsure about her and the situation, and she needs to feel that I am moving on from her.

 

I don't wanna say that I wanna carry out the above sentiment merely to reel her in, but I feel like it's a good note to keep in mind.. that really, she doesn't have the ball completely on her court; it's a jump ball.

[DisGai]

She just texted me "Not sure yet?" Wow, that caught me off guard. Here I was thinking about directing my uncertainty towards her, and that text comes in? I don't even know what it meeeeans, it just came randomly. Any ideas...?

 

Could she be alluding to a sense of uncertainty that I had already indirectly portrayed?

 

Edit: Another text came in saying she tried sending a message last night but it didn't seem to go through. She said "it was an epic night and it was super nice to see you :)" and then wished that my work was going well. Hmmm....

Edited July 23, 2012 by DisGai

[DisGai]

Confusion cleared. Apparently one of my texts from yesterday got resent o_o. She sent screenshots of our texts and we were just discussing the confusion and how reception at her house was always weird. She ended the convo with, "Epiccccc I planned it all," meaning she meant for the confusion to happen..haha. I didn't really want to proceed into pointless conversation, so I left it at that.

 

But about an hour later, she texted me again, "Can we talk over ice cream or somethinnnnn," so I'm at a loss for words now. It looks like she really wants to talk about something important..two days in a row of "catching up"? I'm not taking it.. this seems more substantial.. I need some advice :/

Edited July 24, 2012 by DisGai

[whoknows11]

Confusion cleared. Apparently one of my texts from yesterday got resent o_o. She sent screenshots of our texts and we were just discussing the confusion and how reception at her house was always weird. She ended the convo with, "Epiccccc I planned it all," meaning she meant for the confusion to happen..haha. I didn't really want to proceed into pointless conversation, so I left it at that.

 

But about an hour later, she texted me again, "Can we talk over ice cream or somethinnnnn," so I'm at a loss for words now. It looks like she really wants to talk about something important..two days in a row of "catching up"? I'm not taking it.. this seems more substantial.. I need some advice :/

 

Your very lucky to be in this spot. Most dont get here or hear from an ex. Just keep doing what your doing. It seems right. Things seem to be working out. You have a good chance to work things out. I wish i had that chance. But i wont. As for you, keep it up and i wish you two the best.

[Rorschach64]

Keep doing what you are doing man because you have no idea what's rolling around in her head!

 

You can do this!

[DisGai]

After a bit more of not responding, she texted me again, "You can just say no :/," and I finally responded that I'd be down, so she suggested going to an old frozen yogurt place we had always gone to.

 

I was busy working out so I didn't get to respond, but she texted once more, "You don't deserve an iPhone >:(". Hahaha what the heck.. I didn't think much of it, but my friend noted that it could be a bad sign that she is displaying her annoyance at my lack of timely responses (even if it's sort of a joke). Anybody have any input about this?

 

I ignored that comment and told her I was craving Cold Stone's Berry Berry Berry Good, which actually is amazing, and you all should give it a try! She responded immediately, "Come pick me up if you want to see mum and bro doing insanity hehe." (Insanity is a home workout program, which I also want to recommend for those looking to get into shape!)

 

I didn't expect her to think it would happen tonight, so I responded, "Hah, I just finished too. How's tomorrow?" She responded with 3 emoticons, an OK, an ice-cream cone, and a thumbs up, hahaha.

 

This may be overly-analytical but here's two things I've come up with that explain her behavior:

1) She is interested in testing out the waters or already is experiencing some interest.

2) She is being selfish and trying to fulfill a feeling of emptiness by soaking in my presence.

 

Or perhaps, 3) A mix of both? Obviously #1 stands out to me at this point, but I really am trying to absorb the possible reality of #2.

 

So I guess I'm going to be grabbing some dessert with her tomorrow night. Any suggestions as to what shall be said/done? This is probably going to be deeper and more interactive than last night at the movies. I plan on being myself like yesterday and remaining calm, but perhaps I may hint at getting her to explain what she meant by "I want to reconnect with you :(".

 

Thanks for reading everybody. It really is a blessing to have strangers give great advice over the internet

[Rorschach64]

I would speculate she is just trying to get attention but who knows. You know her, how she was during the first months of dating her, so YOU tell me since you do know her

 

When you have your ice cream meet up, don't count as a date or a "date", let her do the talking and you listen, respond if necessary but if it is something major that you do not feel comfortable discussing right away just say you need time to think.

 

I hope you get what you want.

[DisGai]

I ended up going for dinner + dessert last night. The first 3 hours was all small talk.. it was a friendly and fun atmosphere. I'm sure we can both agree that we had a good time chatting/eating. But the next 2 is where the meat of the matter is.

 

I want to be as objective as possible when outlining what happened; please bear with me as I try to put this into words. Keep in mind that a lot was spoken and my mind is clouded with a lot of different emotions right now; a lot of our conversation may be out of order and even awkward to read about. It wasn't awkward, but there were several moments of silence for reflecting indeed.

 

-------------------------

 

"Let's talk," she said, after we finished up dinner. So I decided that we might as well go get dessert and talk things through, even though we were both stuffed from dinner. We got to Cold Stone, got our ice cream, and joked around/had small talk some more for a bit. Slowly we transitioned into more important matters.

 

It was pretty clear that what she had in mind was at the tip of her tongue, but she had a really difficult time braving up and letting it out. I could see her eyes tearing up, but the atmosphere was still light and playful. We were both smiling and joking about the difficulty she was having..she admitted she had a bunch of speeches recited for that moment, but her brain/heart farts were taking over..she was nervous. Yet she kept bringing up the fact that she did not really deserve to say what she was about to say. Feeling almost completely okay with what happened between us, and even thankful in a way, I said there is nothing that both of us deserve or not deserve from each other. After all, we are not a couple anymore. Still, she must have been overwhelmed with guilt for all that happened and pushed herself to speak. At one point, I could taste the friend-zone speech coming. I'm not sure exactly what was said that induced the feeling, but I was prepared to face it.

 

It started with her asking me what made me give in and start talking and even meeting up with her after all her failed attempts at communicating with me. I told her that I felt that enough time had passed for me to pull things together on my end, and that maybe it would not be that bad after all. She thanked me, and then asked me why I thought our relationship didn't work out. I told her that there were several things I had in mind, but two of them were that 1) She eventually saw me as a friend and not a lover and 2) We were both unhappy in some form with the relationship. Then, she asked me if I was doing okay with what happened, and I said I was in some ways..that I was happy that it happened and that it may have been necessary. She then asked me if I did not want her to miss me. I again said it's not up to me to determine how she feels, to which she responded again that she did not feel that she had the right to miss me.

 

The transition into this next part is still blurry right now.. she stalled for a good 45 minutes before saying anything. Every time she was about to open her mouth, she teared up, sighed, and said sorry again. She even told me to go for a pee-break so she could put together what she wanted to say (I was blatantly holding it in ). I asked her what she was so afraid of and that I wouldn't judge her or anything. She said she was afraid of being rejected. So, somehow after she asked me some question, I ended up admitting that I did miss her. This probably helped her to finally let out what had to be said. At this point, I expected her to hear her say she wanted me back; friend-zoning couldn't be thisss hard. Then came this, in her tears and extreme difficulty speaking.

 

"You know how I was attracted to ____, right? I was really selfish and was experiencing a lot of different feelings. I ended up sleeping with him. It just happened that way bc that kinda stuff was sorta normal in my friend group. And I smoked too. I even ended up rolling (ecstacy) at (some event). I made a huge mistake and I really regret it. I was really selfish and wanted the perfect relationship. It wasn't, and I was selfishly unhappy with that. But I realized that no relationship can be perfect and that you are the best that I could find." **silence for a few minutes** "So that's why I kept reaching out to you. This isn't something I just started to randomly feel. I've felt this way for a while, and I thought about it so much. I want to be with you again."

 

---(Here's some background info on the falling apart of our relationship.) I don't want to address my moral/religious beliefs on this forum, but I hope it kind of makes sense. I had directed a feeling of uneasiness about some actions that are deemed "sinful" in my religion. I had expressed my discontent with her cursing, going to parties, drinking, etc when we went off to our respective colleges. Note that she goes to an art school, where a lot of "experimenting with the mind" is done. She had experienced a lot with this party-like lifestyle before getting together with me in senior year of high school and said that it was an easy way out from a past abusive/sexually-harassing relationship and that a lot of it was out of curiosity. So naturally, whenever something reminded me of her "past," I got really frustrated and even felt a sense of betrayal. I have to admit that I was extremely naive and judgmental, and I regret getting on her case so much. I gave her a lot of angry silent-treatment and showed the worst side of my passive-aggression with regards to this whole issue. I really showed her how insecure I was with our relationship. (End background info) ---

 

I thought hearing what she had to say would be really easy. I thought I'd hear that she felt attracted to the guy, maybe hooked up, but felt wrong about it all. But no. It wasn't easy at all. It was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to listen to. Smoking (weed) and taking ecstacy? Whatever, she's done it before. But giving up her heart and her BODY to another guy in such a short amount of time? Was it an act of TRYING to forget me? Sure I had thought about the possibility, but I don't know why.. I had previously guaranteed it to myself that she would not stoop that low to sleep with him. It just seemed like such a slutty thing to do. She's very attractive physically, but she's not a slut. Excuse my judgmentalism.

 

I sat in silence for a good 10-15 minutes, speechless, almost thoughtless. How could I give this girl another chance knowing that she slept with someone else? My feelings eventually started to feel numb; everything seemed so surreal.

 

After a bit, I felt the need to man up and just say something. I thanked her, "Thank you for being honest. Thanks for speaking out what's on your mind." She dejectedly responded, "Thanks for what? There's NOTHING you should be thanking me for." I said, "You telling me that there was another guy is what helped me move forward best. Otherwise, I would've sulked in sadness and false hope for so long. Thanks for giving me that opportunity." She was nearly bawling at this point, and kept nodding to what I said, saying sorry.

 

I then said, "I have no idea what to feel right now. I've got walls built up so high in here (my heart). How can I trust that you're not just feeling this? How can I know for sure that you wouldn't leave again? It's only been about 6 months. Not enough time has passed for us both to really know what we want. Is this what is meant for us? I don't know." She murmured weepingly, "I understand. I don't deserve you at all. I'll be okay if you hate me." (Clearly she wouldn't be okay.) After some more silence, she whispered, "I just want another chance with you.." I asked her, looking for a tangible answer, "Why do you want me back?" I admit that I put her on the spot by asking that, but all she could muster up out of her broken self was, "I just want to make you happy." I can kind of assume some of the concrete responses that she could have given me, but my guess is that she wasn't really in the right state to be answering any questions. She just replied, "Because it makes me happy." After some more silence, I said we were just sitting around at that point and said we should get going. She agreed, and we started walking towards my car.

 

I don't know if this was right for me to do, but I took her and silently embraced her for a good minute. She was crying really hard on my chest. It felt really good to hold her like that again. We had a pretty silent car ride home, and her sniffling died down a bit. As she was stepping out of my car, we hugged again, and she thanked me. I didn't know what to say.. I was about to tell her that I forgive her even though she hurt me, but I just said "Yup. Good night."

 

I'm glad I didn't say anything more though, because I really am unsure how I can process this. Can I ever truly forgive her? Can reconciliation happen when I know she slept with another guy? How do I know for sure that her feelings are genuine and not clouded with guilt or maybe just a lack of attention from anyone currently?

 

I still am attracted to her and have feelings for her, but I don't plan on taking her back for a while if I were to at all. I think 6 months is not enough time for us to figure out what we really want. I am so lost right now. What are some next steps I can take?

 

Thanks in advance everyone.

Edited July 25, 2012 by DisGai