Boyfriend on vacation stopped communication

[Sally_00]

I'm just putting this out there, I've gone over it time and time in my head, and just can't figure this out.

 

My boyfriend and I are close to celebrating our 2 year anniversary (in September), we're both 24. A week ago he went to California for 3 weeks to visit his aunt (he went his mother and one of his younger brothers), I should add we live in Mexico. Before leaving I told him how important it was for me that he kept in touch, and he knows this is paramount for me because we have talked about it many times during our relationship. He said "I promise I will send at least a short email everyday", since he was taking his laptop with him and there's Internet access in his aunt's house, even though it's a bit unsteady. Up until last Saturday (today it's Tuesday) we had been talking at least a little bit every day. On Saturday I sent him a little something via email, just some text and a picture, very cutesy stuff. He replied in the same manner, calling me his favorite pet-name, telling me how much he loves me, and stuff like that.

 

That is the last I've heard from him. I had no word from him on Sunday at all, and on Monday I know for sure he went online for quite a while in two IM services, but didn't send me an email or anything of the sort. That same day I sent him an email very late in the night, I'll admit it was curt, just saying I had not written because I hadn't been feeling well, asking him how he was doing, telling him I was hoping he was well. That was yesterday and I still haven't gotten a reply.

 

Today he never logged in to either IM service but a friend told me he saw him online on Facebook (I don't have a Facebook account, never have). Which tells me that he *does* have access to his laptop and to the Internet, but is just choosing not to contact me or even answer my email.

 

I honestly have no idea whatsoever what could've possibly happened that made him ignore me literally over night. Some things come to mind, but each scenario is worse than the last one. It's been now three full days since I last heard of him at all, and I feel I've reached my breaking point. I'm quite seriously thinking of sending him an email saying we're over, although I know that probably wouldn't be "fair".

 

I'm open to your comments, guys. Do any of you have any insight from previous experiences or such?

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Sally_00
Typo

[kiss_andmakeup]

Can't you just give him a call? Does he not have a phone?

[Sally_00]

Can't you just give him a call? Does he not have a phone?

 

Thanks for your reply. He has a phone in contract with Nextel, and apparently in order to be able to receive calls while in another country (keep in mind his cellphone is from Mexico) he was required to pay an extra-fee. I actually did try calling him today, but it sent me straight to some weird voice-mail recording (which isn't the recording I get when he's in the country).

[kiss_andmakeup]

Thanks for your reply. He has a phone in contract with Nextel, and apparently in order to be able to receive calls while in another country (keep in mind his cellphone is from Mexico) he was required to pay an extra-fee. I actually did try calling him today, but it sent me straight to some weird voice-mail recording (which isn't the recording I get when he's in the country).

 

Hmmm...I dunno. That being the case, he should have left you a phone number where he could be reached in case of an emergency. If he's visiting a relative it could be her landline, or his brother's phone.

 

3 days with zero contact, when he's evidently been online, does seem very weird. Especially for an established relationship of almost two years. Were you guys having any problems or fights in the weeks leading up to his departure?

[Sally_00]

Hmmm...I dunno. That being the case, he should have left you a phone number where he could be reached in case of an emergency. If he's visiting a relative it could be her landline, or his brother's phone.

 

3 days with zero contact, when he's evidently been online, does seem very weird. Especially for an established relationship of almost two years. Were you guys having any problems or fights in the weeks leading up to his departure?

 

I do have his brother's phone, I know him because he studies in this city as well and we're close; haven't tried calling it because he's also with Nextel, so I imagine it'd be the same thing. Didn't think to ask for his aunt's landline because, silly me, I didn't think I'd have to be calling him there.

 

We hadn't been fighting before this; I should add though that our relationship has indeed been "bumpy" and we've broken up a couple of times, getting back together a week later. The last time this happened though was in February. Since then we've had disagreements, some big ones, but I can say that the day he left for California all was in great shape. Even after he got there things were great, like I said, our last interaction was anything I would've expected and accepted as "normal", it never rang any alarm bells or anything; his last email was full of cutesy stuff, as usual.

 

I can't account for how long he was online on Facebook today though, a friend mentioned this might have been a bug or someone else using his computer and opening his Facebook without meaning to. I do think this seems so very far-fetched.

[cheshire_cat]

First of all, please don't end a 2 year relationship via email while he is another country....and while you are also clearly upset about his lack of communication. I understand you expressed your need for regular communication from him but honestly, until you have heard something from him regarding why he has been able to answer your previous email (which you admitted was rather "curt") don't do the "I'm done" thing.

 

You said "some things" come to mind as to why he might not be answering you...each one "worse than the next." Are these valid concerns? Is there something going on in your relationship that might have caused him to stop responding to you?

[carhill]

Vacation is sacred. It's his time. I presume, after two years, you trust him. He's with family. They know how to reach you if something happens.

 

I know, if I was about to go on vacation, and my wife gave me the 'you know how important it is to contact me every day' speech, the last thing I'd do would be to get into an argument about what I want on vacation versus what she wants, so I'd nod my head and move on and do what I wanted to do. My vacation; my time. The same would apply to her, and did, when we were married. I respected that private time with family and friends.

 

You can blast out a 'we're over' e-mail, or merely move on to other things in life and enjoy his company when he gets back. Your choice.

[nessaaa]

he's just being a typical *******, there's no reason for him not to cantact you. He could have even sent a quick offline MSG on IM.

Leave him before he leaves you and just dissapear.

 

 

 

I'm just putting this out there, I've gone over it time and time in my head, and just can't figure this out.

 

My boyfriend and I are close to celebrating our 2 year anniversary (in September), we're both 24. A week ago he went to California for 3 weeks to visit his aunt (he went his mother and one of his younger brothers), I should add we live in Mexico. Before leaving I told him how important it was for me that he kept in touch, and he knows this is paramount for me because we have talked about it many times during our relationship. He said "I promise I will send at least a short email everyday", since he was taking his laptop with him and there's Internet access in his aunt's house, even though it's a bit unsteady. Up until last Saturday (today it's Tuesday) we had been talking at least a little bit every day. On Saturday I sent him a little something via email, just some text and a picture, very cutesy stuff. He replied in the same manner, calling me his favorite pet-name, telling me how much he loves me, and stuff like that.

 

That is the last I've heard from him. I had no word from him on Sunday at all, and on Monday I know for sure he went online for quite a while in two IM services, but didn't send me an email or anything of the sort. That same day I sent him an email very late in the night, I'll admit it was curt, just saying I had not written because I hadn't been feeling well, asking him how he was doing, telling him I was hoping he was well. That was yesterday and I still haven't gotten a reply.

 

Today he never logged in to either IM service but a friend told me he saw him online on Facebook (I don't have a Facebook account, never have). Which tells me that he *does* have access to his laptop and to the Internet, but is just choosing not to contact me or even answer my email.

 

I honestly have no idea whatsoever what could've possibly happened that made him ignore me literally over night. Some things come to mind, but each scenario is worse than the last one. It's been now three full days since I last heard of him at all, and I feel I've reached my breaking point. I'm quite seriously thinking of sending him an email saying we're over, although I know that probably wouldn't be "fair".

 

I'm open to your comments, guys. Do any of you have any insight from previous experiences or such?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Sally_00]

Thank you cheshire_cat and carhill for your responses.

 

I do understand it'd be somewhat unfair to end a 2-year relationship by email. I did think of letting this go and going on with my life and getting busy with my things as best I could, and just talk it with him in a 100% honest way when he gets back. The two main issues I have with that are 1) That will be three weeks from now, and I think that if he continued to ignore me for three full weeks, then I guess the relationship is sort of clearly over? and 2) I guess the petty side of me could think that not doing this (breaking up) and "ruining" his vacation time are considerations that he's not having towards me, because he knows this is important to me and he did promise something.

 

I understand his vacation time is "sacred" time, as carhill put it, but for the fact that it's not like he hasn't made time or been bothered to make time to open his laptop. He has, in fact, spent time online and just decided not to contact me for whatever reason.

 

Cheshire_cat: I guess my mind is just jumping to the worst possible conclusions and assuming "he met someone", which could either be causing him guilt and his response is to stop contacting me, or what he found is great and he wants to break it off, but doesn't want to do it over the Internet, and doesn't want to have "fake" conversations with me in the meantime, so he's stopping communication because of that. I agree these are the worst case scenarios.

 

It's not that I have no trust in him, it's just this attitude baffles me completely and I have no reference point and thus no idea what to think or expect.

[Sugarkane]

Is there any chance that maybe he doesn't have any reception? I know if I drive up to the mountains (Mt Dandenong etc) depending on where you are there's no reception. But you can drive to the next suburb for e.g and your phone will actually work.

[Sally_00]

Is there any chance that maybe he doesn't have any reception? I know if I drive up to the mountains (Mt Dandenong etc) depending on where you are there's no reception. But you can drive to the next suburb for e.g and your phone will actually work.

 

Thanks Sugarkane. I'm assuming you mean no reception in his cellphone? He's in a pretty big city in California so I don't think there's a problem there, it's more to do with the fact that his current cellphone plan doesn't include receiving phone calls while abroad. Nonetheless, my main worry in this is that he HAS access to the Internet, and for some reason chose not to contact me, seemingly overnight, after a week of chatting at least for a few minutes on a daily basis.

[carhill]

Since you've been together, how often has he visited family in California? This sounds like a pretty important visit, since his mother is visiting her sister and his younger brother is along, hence my question. Such visits can be distracting. It's possible, and likely, that you are not at the forefront of his thoughts. Time passes without real notice.

 

His online activities, combined with minimal contact, but last contact being loving and positive, could be seen as ominous or unremarkable, depending upon one's perspective.

 

Does he routinely chat with family members/friends on IM? Does his FB pages have a lot of couple stuff with you on them? There could very well be some 'show and tell' going on.

 

You have choices. How to process events. How to process feelings. How to form conclusions. How to act on those conclusions. Good luck.

[Sally_00]

Since you've been together, how often has he visited family in California? This sounds like a pretty important visit, since his mother is visiting her sister and his younger brother is along, hence my question. Such visits can be distracting. It's possible, and likely, that you are not at the forefront of his thoughts. Time passes without real notice.

 

His online activities, combined with minimal contact, but last contact being loving and positive, could be seen as ominous or unremarkable, depending upon one's perspective.

 

Does he routinely chat with family members/friends on IM? Does his FB pages have a lot of couple stuff with you on them? There could very well be some 'show and tell' going on.

 

You have choices. How to process events. How to process feelings. How to form conclusions. How to act on those conclusions. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the meaningful advice and the good wishes. To answer your questions: I believe the last time he went to California was about 5 years ago, way before we started dating. Yes, I agree it's an important visit, and I can see how I wouldn't be in the forefront of his thoughts, I guess the part that bugs me is the fact that he severed communications so out of the blue, specially when seemingly he has time to log into IM and check Facebook. No, there aren't a lot of couple stuff about us in his profile, I don't have a Facebook account so that's probably why, there are some pictures of us on there but probably just about three or four.

 

I'm actually interested in hearing your opinion about both the "ominous or unremarkable" scenarios, I'd appreciate it if you could elaborate.

[january2011]

Unless it was a prior arrangement, if it were me, three weeks without a single check-in would put the relationship in jeopardy. Especially after two years when presumably you've been in contact regularly and therefore to not do so would indicate that something was up.

 

You also expressed to him how important it was to keep in touch, in this instance and in the past.

 

I also think that if he has time to check-in on Facebook and with his friends, he has time to check-in with you - presumably one of the most important relationships in his life. California is hardly the deepest wilds of Africa.

 

As hard as it is, I wouldn't contact him again. I'd focus on making the most of the time apart and doing things that you wouldn't normally get to do. Then I'd wait until he got back and see what he had to say about not getting in touch. See if you think his relationship is unreasonable before deciding on how big a dealbreaker this is.

 

There may be times when you will spend a significant period apart and you need to have a plan in place to keep the relationship alive. In my experience, dropping off the face of the earth is not a good plan.

[cheshire_cat]

Cheshire_cat: I guess my mind is just jumping to the worst possible conclusions and assuming "he met someone", which could either be causing him guilt and his response is to stop contacting me, or what he found is great and he wants to break it off, but doesn't want to do it over the Internet, and doesn't want to have "fake" conversations with me in the meantime, so he's stopping communication because of that. I agree these are the worst case scenarios.

 

It's not that I have no trust in him, it's just this attitude baffles me completely and I have no reference point and thus no idea what to think or expect.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am one of those worse case scenario people. Go back and read my first post on this site...you'll understand why I have these questions with my BF at this point. But that is where I am coming from...just because he doesn't answer your email you start thinking he might have met someone else, he might want to break up with me, etc. My question is why do you think this? Has he ever given you reason to think this before? If not, then don't worry. There probably is a legitimate reason as to why he hasn't answered your email. It has only been a few days. He's on vacation with his family. He is distracted with/by them. Now, if he doesn't reply in the next day or so then I can understand perhaps questioning what is going on. But again, if you have never had any reason not to distrust him prior to this then please don't jump to any conclusions based upon lack of response. Do you even know for sure he got the email? Is it a Yahoo/Google account?

[Sally_00]

As hard as it is, I wouldn't contact him again. I'd focus on making the most of the time apart and doing things that you wouldn't normally get to do. Then I'd wait until he got back and see what he had to say about not getting in touch. See if you think his relationship is unreasonable before deciding on how big a dealbreaker this is.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice, after reading some of you guys' opinions I'm thinking of indeed putting a hold on that email and just soldier through this time of no communication, then see what he has to say.

 

Has he ever given you reason to think this before? If not, then don't worry. (...) Now, if he doesn't reply in the next day or so then I can understand perhaps questioning what is going on. But again, if you have never had any reason not to distrust him prior to this then please don't jump to any conclusions based upon lack of response. Do you even know for sure he got the email? Is it a Yahoo/Google account?

 

No, he has never given me any reason to this, as he has said to me various times that he's completely against cheating and wouldn't even cover up for his friends in this regard (although who wouldn't say that to his girlfriend, right?). I guess my question to you would be, how many days is it "valid" to be waiting without a response until I can just assume the relationship withered for whatever reason? It's probably whatever period I feel, but to be frank, I feel that I already reached that point. I guess I can't know for sure that he got my email; it's a hotmail account, I sent it to that one and not his gmail account because we had been communicating through that one and his gmail account is more "business-like", whereas his hotmail account is more his personal one. I guess it is possible he didn't check his hotmail account today, but that still leaves the fact that he was online and didn't check in, for whatever reason.

[Eddie Edirol]

I do understand it'd be somewhat unfair to end a 2-year relationship by email. I did think of letting this go and going on with my life and getting busy with my things as best I could, and just talk it with him in a 100% honest way when he gets back. The two main issues I have with that are 1) That will be three weeks from now, and I think that if he continued to ignore me for three full weeks, then I guess the relationship is sort of clearly over? and 2) I guess the petty side of me could think that not doing this (breaking up) and "ruining" his vacation time are considerations that he's not having towards me, because he knows this is important to me and he did promise something.

 

This is what you need to do. Dont break up without communicating first, thats just horribly immature. Live your life, and for gods sake, you DONT need to be in touch with him EVERY day while he is trying to enjoy his vacation. You make it sound like you only want him to email you so he can "check in" with you to make you feel important. You shouldnt need that. You dont need that. You have a life, live it.

 

You are together for 2 years, you can do without him for a couple days, let him have fun out there, dont drag down his vacation making him think he HAS to contact you in the middle of his having fun. You should have left it open for him to contact you when he feels like it, then you will know where you really stand. When you make him contact you every day, you take all the fun out of it, and now he's like "ugh, I gotta email my gf, because she sits at home worrying." Thats not the way to live. You have to have your own life when he's away.

 

BTW, theres no way he would meet a girl out there and have anything serious with her. He has to go back to mexico in three weeks. But when he comes back, you will know if he feels differently about you, he wont be able to hide it. If you have already been nagging him with these other arguments that you had, then thats probably why he's avoiding you. He doesnt want to have to deal with the fighting.

 

But really, let the boy have fun out there, and you have fun at home also. You both need a vacation from each other anyway. Dont nag him over this, nagging doesnt work with anyone. This behavior will haunt you with other men, especially if you cant be emotionally independent. Nothing worse that a woman that doesnt have her own life, and depends on her man to live.

[Sally_00]

That was some great insight and advice, Eddie; thanks. Like I said before, I shall put both the breaking up from a distance without talking first, and the ideas of him hooking up with someone out of my head. I agree that not doing anything further that could be interpreted as "nagging" is probably the best call at this point. I guess my only question to you would be, do you think it would be acceptable then, to go three full weeks without a single beep from him?

[KraftDinner]

How often do you guys normally talk? Does he usually contact you, or do you usually contact him? Has he ever not spoken to you while he was in town before, like not contacting you for a day? How do you guys normally communicate (email, phone, etc.)?

 

Before anyone can get an idea of whether or not this is a big deal, I think it's important to know what your relationship is normally like.

[Sally_00]

How often do you guys normally talk? Does he usually contact you, or do you usually contact him? Has he ever not spoken to you while he was in town before, like not contacting you for a day? How do you guys normally communicate (email, phone, etc.)?

 

Before anyone can get an idea of whether or not this is a big deal, I think it's important to know what your relationship is normally like.

 

While he's in town we do talk everyday, at least some quick message if our days are quite busy; we don't see each other everyday though, Tuesdays and Thursdays are sort of our "personal days", and then the rest of the week we see each other 99% of the time, unless one of us has plans with some friends or whatnot. It's both me contacting him and him contacting me, if I had to put a percentage on it I'd probably say 60% me 40% him, if you include sending the quick messages or saying hi first on IM. There have been some instances of him not contacting me for a whole day, after which he normally makes contact the day after and then says something along the lines of "I was incredibly rushed and busy all day long" and the like; but I can't say it's that frequent, in the past 6 months I'd say it's happened 2, maybe three times. We communicate by email or IM since we both have jobs now and talking on the phone is sort of difficult, and in person, since we kinda have a long-standing agreement that, with the exception of Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'll always come visit him after work unless either of us has plans (I have a car, he doesn't, so it's easier for me).

[maybealone]

I guess my only question to you would be, do you think it would be acceptable then, to go three full weeks without a single beep from him?

 

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I'll offer an opinion anyway.

 

No, I would not think it would be acceptable for him to not contact you for the next three weeks. But for now, it has only been three days. A lot could happen in that time, including side trips somewhere else or other relatives dropping in to make him busy. He could have signed on to IM with the intent of emailing you too, but then got called away by a mom or brother who was crabbing about him spending time on the computer while on vacation.

 

In my experience, some men are not as "considerate" as women. What I mean is that if they are going to be out of contact for a couple of days or whatever, they sometimes are not as good at thinking, "Oh, I better let my gf know so she doesn't worry, or so that she knows I am not ignoring her." They also sometimes avoid conflict, so if your email was curt and he knew it, he might be not emailing for a few days on purpose.

 

Personally, I would not hound him nor would I break up with him. But if I didn't hear from him at all during the last three weeks of his vacation, I doubt I would want to continue seeing him when he got back unless there was a really good explanation.

[carhill]

I'm actually interested in hearing your opinion about both the "ominous or unremarkable" scenarios, I'd appreciate it if you could elaborate.

 

Ominous or unremarkable represent two extremes of processing of similar events like you described in this thread. You choose how you process such events. You can view them as ominous, like relationship-enders, or unremarkable, not giving them any consideration whatsoever wrt your relationship, or any process in between. You perceive them how you choose to, assign emotions to them, and process those emotions. All of this is completely within your control. There's no right answer to provide you with. You discover that for yourself.

[lil hoodlum]

Original poster, I understand how you feel. My girlfriend/exgirlfriend went to Mexico for nearly 3 weeks last year. I only heard from her once. I was upset as well. It was a short 5 minute phone call. I didn't expect her to just drop off of the face of the earth either. I understand that it is expensive to make and receive international phone calls. You can purchase phone cards for this purpose.

 

I believe you have a right to be upset. However, please don't jump to conclusions or make any rash desicions. Try to be patient and wait for him to contact you. When he does you might ask for the aunts number.

 

Hang in there and good luck!

[InJest]

Send him a light hearted email suggesting that the two of you go on a break while he's on vacation, that way you're both free to seek companionship elsewhere until he returns. Or send him one saying, I haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days, and I'm wondering if it's okay to go to dinner with the guy that asked me out today.

 

I guarantee you a response within three hours.

[Negative Nancy]

I think he's cheating on you.