Spouse with autism

[i_dont_know]

Hi everyone. This looks like a good forum for advice, and I need some. Here goes:

 

Does anyone have experience with a spouse on the autism spectrum? My son was recently diagnosed with mild autism and we've learned through that process my husband is also on the spectrum.

 

He is a good husband and a great dad. I love him very much. 17 years married, 4 kids. But it is also very difficult to live with him, moreso as the kids get older and I enter the peak years of my career.

 

He admits to social awkwardness, trouble listening to others, and difficulty holding up his end of a conversation. He will often not communicate or will change the subject, no matter what the topic. He's disorganized, has difficulty keeping to a schedule and lacks empathy. Examples: he recently lost my iPhone (one week after losing an expensive pair of sunglasses), repeats everything I say when we talk (it's hard to overstate how irritating this is), and he expressed no sympathy when my Mom died last year (he didn't even put his arm around me at the funeral. I'm not kidding.).

 

I make written lists and send him texts and emails, since it's easier for him to communicate with a visual aid. We've also tried a bit of MC and it helped, but that was before autism entered the picture.

 

He has openly told me that it's difficult for him to hear and discuss any sensitive or emotionally charged subject. He is open to discussing factual topics like sports, current events, or the kids. This "just the facts ma'am" attitude is extremely tough for me to take....I feel emotionally unsupported. I think our tenuous emotional connection has been laid bare by my Mom's passing. She and I were very close.

 

I am about to get promoted at work and am scared to death that I am going to fail because I can't rely on him to help at home. Whether it's homework, taking the kids to afterschool activities, engaging with other parents, etc., it's 50/50 whether or not he will do what he says he will do, either because he didn't hear me ask and doesn't want to admit it, or because he can't get his act together enough to follow through.

 

I feel like I am carrying the load of 6 people on my back. How can I live like this? I feel increasingly drained by him and by the relationship. I feel frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed. I don't want to get divorced. I love him a lot. But isn't marriage fundamentally about partnership, sharing, and emotional support? I hate autism for robbing him of these capabilities.

 

Thanks for any insights.

[frozensprouts]

I have to kids on "the spectrum" ( my 14 year old has aspegers, my 9 year old has autism that doesn't really fit any specific category)...

 

i have mild aspergers myself...

 

a few pieces of advice ( hope these help)...

 

when you are talking to your husband about different things that need to be done, try making lists of them so he can see them and check them off as he does them

 

he may "ruminate" on different problems...going over and over them in his mind...this can lead to anxiety...it's important to help him break this cycle...my daughter does this, and her psychologist recommended that a good way to deal with it is to set aside a period of time each day during which this issue can be discussed...the rest of the time, it's off limits

 

your husband may communicate better through writing than verbal communication...encourage him to write his issues down if he find verbally discussing them to be too difficult...

 

a lot of people with ASDs will also show symptoms of being ADHD/ADD... finding out ways that adults cope with this issue may be really helpful...

 

I would recommend that your husband, if his ASD is a problem, get some counseling from a psychologist trained in treating adults with ASDs ( it is different that treating a child)

 

there is a website

Wrong Planet - Autism Community

 

that may be very helpful to you, bot for your son and your husband...it's for people with ASDs, their families and spouses...there's a lot of good information on there

 

hope this helps

[stse586]

I can sympathize with you since my father has aspergers. He can be difficult when empathy is needed or sometimes just to talk to since he has a hard listening. I didn't understand why he did certain things when I was a child. Now I can look back and see how different he sees the world. For getting things done, my father loves lists.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it can be maybe not from being married to a person with it but from being close to someone with it.

[carhill]

OP, something not suggested yet which might have traction is some IC for yourself, with an IC who specializes in psychological disorders like autism, mainly to learn functional tools to interact and cope in a positive way. I did a bit of this learning how to care for a psychotic person. I had to fundamentally change my approach and process my emotions differently.

 

If you have to engage outside help with certain tasks, do that. H is who he is. Go with it. Make decisions that are positive for the entire family, and that includes you. Hope the promotion goes well.

[pink_sugar]

I can imagine all the pressure you are on with your husband and your son having mild autism. Has your husband always showed these symptoms? Or are they just more noticeable now that he has a diagnosis?

 

My husband doesn't have any disability, but I do frequently stress, because he constantly forgets things and I'm always having to remind him to do things such as clean or run certain errands. He is just not very assertive and it drives me nuts. I have to wonder if any of this is preventing him from finding a job, with the lack of being assertive. When things are dirty, I have to tell him to clean things. He won't do it automatically. He wants kids, but I'm afraid I'll be stuck having to remind him to do things. I don't want to parent him, but it gets frustrating when things aren't done without having to ask.

[i_dont_know]

Thanks for your response.

 

He's always showed symptoms of autism. I would say, in fact, that he's better now than he's ever been at acting more like a typical person. He's very receptive to feedback and instruction...albeit up to a certain point.

 

BTW, there's a reason autism is called a pervasive development disorder - the range and depth of his social and communcation issues are astounding.

I'm certain there's no easy fix here.

[i_dont_know]

I don't know if it's Aspergers or not. My son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS because he has deficits in communication and social skills, a lot like my husband. Neither of them perseverate on topics, which is a hallmark of Aspergers.

 

Both of them are very tough to deal with, but it's easy to give a lot of slack to an 8 year old boy.

 

If nothing else, I just wish I could stop my husband from branding me as the devil. How do you get someone with neurological issues to realize they have an issue?

[frozensprouts]

I don't know if it's Aspergers or not. My son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS because he has deficits in communication and social skills, a lot like my husband. Neither of them perseverate on topics, which is a hallmark of Aspergers.

 

Both of them are very tough to deal with, but it's easy to give a lot of slack to an 8 year old boy.

 

If nothing else, I just wish I could stop my husband from branding me as the devil. How do you get someone with neurological issues to realize they have an issue?

 

 

the things with ASDs is that they really can be hard to delineate from one another, and they often don't fit into the categories one would expect...

 

my daughter pretty much fits asperger's to a T, and also has an anxiety disorder and a chronic illness that requires medications for pain, which affect her neural functioning/behavior

 

my sons ASD is classified as moderate/severe autism, yet he is highly social ( albeit unsuccessfully)...hwne tested, his scores are so all over the place that it's really hard to place him...makes coming up with a treatment plan difficult ( throw into that that he has a genius level IQ- all my kids do ( too smart for their own good:laugh:) and you get a difficult mix

 

you're not the devil for wanting an explanation for your husband's behavior...it makes a lot of sense to be able to understand it , as this makes it less frustrating to deal with...it probably frustrates him too.

 

Something that I would ask you to remember is that the common misconception that people with ASD's lack empathy or emotions or "feelings" is not valid. there is a difference between not being able to "read" people's emotions and not being able to empathize with them...

[writergal]

How many years were you married before your husband received his autism diagnosis?

 

He admits to social awkwardness, trouble listening to others, and difficulty holding up his end of a conversation. He will often not communicate or will change the subject, no matter what the topic. He's disorganized, has difficulty keeping to a schedule and lacks empathy. Examples: he recently lost my iPhone (one week after losing an expensive pair of sunglasses), repeats everything I say when we talk (it's hard to overstate how irritating this is), and he expressed no sympathy when my Mom died last year (he didn't even put his arm around me at the funeral. I'm not kidding.).

 

Does your husband have a specific diagnosis? I'm curious about something. Did you know that there are community resources, non-profit organizations and private businesses that offer programs, education and counseling for adults with autism? Have you supported your husband to pursue outside resources?

 

I make written lists and send him texts and emails, since it's easier for him to communicate with a visual aid. We've also tried a bit of MC and it helped, but that was before autism entered the picture.

 

It sounds like you count yourself as his only resource of support. What your husband really needs is to be connected to those adults with autism resources I mentioned. But what your husband would really benefit from, is support from other resources. Marriage counseling isn't really going to address how his autism impacts your marriage. You need to meet with a counselor who specializes in adult autism. That person is more qualified to help you and your husband.

 

He has openly told me that it's difficult for him to hear and discuss any sensitive or emotionally charged subject. He is open to discussing factual topics like sports, current events, or the kids. This "just the facts ma'am" attitude is extremely tough for me to take....I feel emotionally unsupported. I think our tenuous emotional connection has been laid bare by my Mom's passing. She and I were very close.

 

Along with your husband needing his own kind of autism support group and activities to help him adjust to his condition better, you also need to start attending support groups of spouse's with autism. They do exist. I don't know where you live, but that would be helpful for you, especially since you recently lost your mother.

 

I am about to get promoted at work and am scared to death that I am going to fail because I can't rely on him to help at home. Whether it's homework, taking the kids to afterschool activities, engaging with other parents, etc., it's 50/50 whether or not he will do what he says he will do, either because he didn't hear me ask and doesn't want to admit it, or because he can't get his act together enough to follow through.

 

 

Instead of thinking in extremes, think in terms of practicalities. You need extra support while you're at work.

 

A really simple solution to that is to hire a live-in or live-out nanny, or a PCA (personal care assistant) who has experience with autistic adults.

 

Hiring someone to pick up your children, and help with chores, homework and cooking will also take the pressure off your husband if he's not capable of handling those responsibilities by himself.

 

 

I feel like I am carrying the load of 6 people on my back. How can I live like this? I feel increasingly drained by him and by the relationship. I feel frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed. I don't want to get divorced. I love him a lot. But isn't marriage fundamentally about partnership, sharing, and emotional support? I hate autism for robbing him of these capabilities.

 

I hear that you feel alone and have the weight of the world on your shoulders. But you can change that by connecting with the right resources that your city has to offer parents with autistic children, and adults with autism.

 

You don't need to get divorced. Be proactive instead. What you need to do is sit down and write out a list of all the resources you need, then seek out the organizations that provide those resources. As long as you think in practical terms and take the emotion out of it, your situation with your husband and son's autism diagnoses, will level itself out again.

 

My sister and her husband have an autistic son. He's 8 and was diagnosed at age 3. He isn't on medication but he attends classes at an autism center along with classes in a regular public school. He takes the bus to and from school, and participates in extra curricular activities. He doesn't have any social friends though because he's 80% non-verbal and tends to "script" most of the time.

 

However, he's a very sweet, intelligent, creative and gentle person. Both my sister and her husband attend parent support groups for children with autism and it's helped them navigate their marriage dynamics better, because the support group meetings provide them with an outlet to vent their frustrations, fears, concerns as well as share and receive more autism resources with other parents. Basically, they have an autism support network. Also, my nephew works one-on-one with a special ed teacher, speech therapist and cognitive behavior therapist.

 

You can get through this with other people's help. When you connect with other parents of autistic children, you will have plugged yourself in to a wide support network for emotional support and autistic resources. Same with your husband connecting to other autistic adults. He needs to know he's not alone, and he needs to be connected with resources that will help him cope better with his autism.

[standtall]

Duck you maybe onto something here. I have always thought that adult diagnosed aspergers and autism was just psychological goobblygook to justify a lack of social skills. Perhaps I can come up with a crafty syndrome name for being a an ***hole..then I would be excused. Something like "anal projection syndrome" or "chronic gluteus maximus rectusitis"? Really, then it would not be my fault.

 

I don't know..do you think that your mom's passing, your "peak years of your career", your large family while being a career woman,and your promotion may have something to do with your stress level and tolerance of his behaviors? It sounds as if the changes and stresses that are occurring in your life and marriage are primarily happening to you, and that he is what he is. You chose to marry him and have..count em....4 kids with him...deal with your choice of marrying and having so many children while being a career woman. It sounds as if you are under a tremendous amount of strain..how about some IC for you, and then get your husband in?

Edited July 22, 2012 by standtall

[Anxious J]

I was accused of having autism for having some similar issues that were described for the husband in question. When my wife said she thought I may be autistic, I was angry. I felt like I was being blamed for the problems we were having in our relationship. Maybe some of my personality traits match the signs of autism spectrum disorders but that doesn't create a diagnosis.

[i_dont_know]

Wow, hostility abounds.

 

My husband was diagnosed with ASD about a month ago. He admits having issues related to social interactions, communications, and reading other people's feelings ie. empathy, but the cruel nature of autism is that the person who has it generally sees nothing wrong with their behavior - they must be instructed in each situation how a typical person would act/react. Autistic brains are literally wired differently. Autism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

So what we're really talking about is a matter of degree....he knows he has limitations or acts odd in certain situations and tries to stay away from those. He is open to feedback. However, as a *pervasive* development disorder, autism effects many aspect of a person's personality....and that's where the rub is.

 

He loves to read to the kids at bedtime....wonderful! However, if I don't say anything, he keeps them up until 10pm or later. Even on school nights. Every single night, I have to tell him to wrap it up at 9pm. Every. Single. Night. For the past 9 or so years.

 

He literally can't oversee the kids homework - it's too confusing for him to check that they've done page 29 of one workbook, page 35 of another workbook, and wrote all of their spelling words on a separate piece of paper. (One of my daughters got a rebuke from her teacher for not handing in her homework for 3 weeks. 3 weeks! Mom to the rescue - I now oversee all homework.)

 

My other daughter missed playing with her team in the 8U soccer championships (what's better than an 8U soccer championship?) because he forgot about it. I didn't put my email on the team mailing list figuring he could deal with this one activity, but, nope. He forgot. Tears everywhere.

 

I try to not leave my husband and my austistic son alone together, unless they are engaged in a specific activity, like bike riding or walking the dog. Because the usual outcome of that mix is my son crying, alone, and in his room, for some infraction like not stating whether or not he wants cheese on his burger.

 

My family members were all clinging to their spouses and their children at my Mom's funeral. My kids did not attend.

 

When I talk to him about my sadness wrt my Mom, or something bad that happened at home or at work, I am often met with silence, after he's repeated what I said. Fact is, he doesn't know what to say, so he says nothing. After a few minutes he changes the subject to some factual topic.

It is extremely frustrating/embarrassing/crushing to bare your soul to someone and then get no feedback. Try it sometime.

 

So now you can see why I am the devil for asking him every night to put the books down, to check his email, to put my son in the other room, or communicate with me in some way that is not just repeating what I say. I can understand his frustration with my constant scolding. But my frustration is also valid. And while I'm far from perfect, I am not neurologically impaired.

 

Yes, I married him. Yes, we had several kids together. Yes, I have a good career. But does that mean I don't deserve someone to talk to? Someone to rely on? Someone to share the happiness/sadness/craziness of life with? Equally?

 

I read once that autism is only a problem because it effects how other people interact with the afflicted person.

 

My husband is a great guy. Suggesting that I am looking for a way out of my marriage just because I'm tired of my husband or have someone else in mind is off.

 

Our 4 kids are young...they are in grade school and the youngest is about to enter kindergarten. (So I guess my previous post about the kids getting older is relative.)

 

We've been married 17 years. I've changed a lot during that time. So has he. So have you.

[writergal]

I_dont_know: So did you consider hiring extra help, like a nanny, tutor or housekeeper?

 

No where in your post do you mention accessing any autistic resources. Is that because you haven't been in touch with any organizations yet? Or because you don't want to? Doesn't your autistic son have an IEP plan at his school (where he works with specialists)? What about your husband?

 

People don't just get diagnosed with ASD then left alone to fend for themselves.

 

A tutor could help your kids keep up with their homework (or an after school program too). Same with a nanny, who could keep your kids on task, start dinner, do the dishes, etc.

 

As far as your H's ASD, his lack of empathy isn't a character flaw per se, it's more likely due to his autism, so as hard as it is, try not to hold that against him. He can learn to empathize and listen with the proper counseling.

 

Adults with Aspbergers and ASD can work with specialists who help them develop better social skills like empathy, active listening, and focusing attention. Let an autism expert help your husband develop those skills.

 

I suggested in my previous long post that both you and your husband should consider attending parents of children with autism support group meetings.

 

You say you want someone to talk to about your experience. Well, you'll find plenty of other parents to talk to at these meetings.

 

As far as your husband and the kids bedtime goes...my sister and her husband both take turns with their children's bedtime stories. Have you thought of doing that?

 

I hear that you are frustrated but if you don't seek autism-related support and resources to help you adjust to your autistic son and husband, then you will remain miserable.

 

So to review:

 

Hire a nanny or tutor to help your kids stay on task with their homework (even if its a neighborhood kid or relative, if you don't trust your husband to do it)

 

Alternate nights for bedtime stories with your husband

 

Attend weekly parents of autistic children support groups

 

Find outreach programs that offer services to adults with ASD

 

You have 4 children, 1 of which has autism, and a husband with an ASD diagnosis that's still taking time to adjust to since its only been one month. So you have a lot on your plate: a work promotion, and figuring out educational and outreach resources to help your autistic son and husband.

 

I think you'd feel less overwhelmed if you sought help from a parents with autistic children's support group. Start there and work on finding resources to help your husband. One thing at a time.

[i_dont_know]

Thanks writergal. I appreciate your advice. Both autism diagnoses have occurred in the last couple months. We've already begun to get services for my son. My husband so far hasn't expressed any interest in receiving help. I think he needs time to digest that he has autism....understandable.

 

I will certainly look into spousal support groups, once I feel my son is fully up to speed with his services.

 

Thanks again for your input. It's nice to feel like someone cares.

[i_dont_know]

Thanks for your input. It sounds like it was a painful time for you. I hope things with your wife worked out.

[writergal]

Thanks writergal. I appreciate your advice. Both autism diagnoses have occurred in the last couple months. We've already begun to get services for my son. My husband so far hasn't expressed any interest in receiving help. I think he needs time to digest that he has autism....understandable.

 

I will certainly look into spousal support groups, once I feel my son is fully up to speed with his services.

 

Thanks again for your input. It's nice to feel like someone cares.

 

Well I'm an aunt to an autistic nephew, and so I've been on an autism journey vicariously with my sister and her husband since their son's diagnosis at age 3. I know exactly how you feel from a detached POV.

 

If you ever need to vent feel free to post here again, or PM me.

 

Hang in there. It will get better.

[frozensprouts]

one thing that I have found is that what services you can access, especially if you are an older child/ten/adult maybe very "hit or miss", depending on where you live. Some areas have excellent support services while others have none.

 

There wasn't a support group in my local area for families, so I started one. It took a little while to get it ff the ground, but once it was up and running, I found it really helpful.

 

If you are lucky, there may be a psychologist in your area who works with older children/adults with autism...

 

( this is a link to one that I have found with lots of links on his website that may be useful to you)

Dr. Paul M. McDonnell, Child Psychologist

 

(it does say child psychologist, but he works with older children/adults as well)

 

 

[standtall]

I don't know...no hostility here, I just don't agree with your basis to complain.

 

I don't see anything majorly wrong with your marriage that everyday couples don't have to deal with. My wife has forgotten many hockey and baseball games..as well as I, she keeps the kids up too late reading on school nights and I have commented everyday for 15 yrs, I sometimes make my kids cry by disciplining them, we have disagreed about when kids should attend a funeral, argued over if we should let the son have a sleepover when he is doing bad in school, etc...all of the same chickens***, petty stuff that you are complaining about that he does. And guess what, my wife and I never talk about divorce. It's called marriage, and you have a lot of choice induced stress as well, so deal with it. At first, I thought duck soup was jumping the gun with the "walk away wife", and you have an OM in your sights talk, but now I am begging to think that he is right in his entire conclusion. What you described is nothing that most other successfully married couples with children don't have to deal with everyday. So what is the real reason you want out?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

re you saying you "want out", or are you simply stating that there have been problems, and now that you know what may have been the cause you're hoping to get some ideas on how to make hings better?

 

Sometimes knowing what is going on and having a name for it can make a huge difference...

 

like if you have a pain in your leg, and you just kind of ignore it and learn to live with it but you wish you could make it better...you tell yourself it's not bad enough to go to the doctor, but it does, over time, wear away at you. Then one day you visit the doctor for soemthing else, and in the course of the exam he finds out you have this pain and diagnoses the cause. He can't cure it, but he can help you find the tools to deal with it and give you back a much better quality of life... while you find the treatments to help a lot, the pain is still there a it, but this does not mean it's worth cutting off your leg just to get rid of it

[standtall]

I don't know.

 

First, my apologies for sounding so harsh. I just re-read your entire first post and got to the part that said you did not want a divorce. I am not a big fan of them, and I don't know why I thought that you said you wanted one. I am human and make mistakes.

 

I can sympathize with the frustrations that you are experiencing in your marriage. My wife and I have several of the same issues that you have and it can be frustrating at times to put it mildly. I don't know if your Christian or not, but number one, is we always have said that divorce is not an option and don't even think about it..we have a Bible based marriage, and we will make it work. We made two promises that day to stay married..one to each other and the other to God. It works for us as when the frustrating little stuff comes up, we just walk away and come back knowing that we have to get along and respect each other.

 

Second, it sounds like in your situation that a lot of your issues with him are about the way he deals with the children. It sounds as if you are a very detail oriented person, and if you want it done right, then you have to do it yourself. Well, your husband is who he is, and he is not going to do everything the way you do.... you might want to meet him half way with it. None of the things that you described are major game changers when it comes to child raising. For example, your children will not be harmed by staying up to late while he is reading to them. They will not be a lesser person by not attending Grandma's funeral. At least he is home and involved in their lives however imperfect that he is. He is not an absentee dad, or a drunk, or violent, or a criminal, or a dead beat..etc. As far as your interactions with him on a stressful day, get into some IC and MC from a family oriented counselor.

[i_dont_know]

I think my frustration with my DH can be distilled into two key points: 1 - I feel like I can't rely on him. 2- no emotional support. I didn't know it until recently, but these traits have a name: autism.

 

Yes, life with kids, jobs, etc is hectic, but there's usually two parents, right? I don't see myself as a perfectionist, but I do constantly have this nagging feeling that if I don't oversee everything myself (get the kids where they need to be going, pick them up, oversee homework, talk to them about their day, give them input/feedback/advice, make sure everyone is being treated relatively fairly, clean up, teach them to clean up, disipline them, etc.) then it just won't get done. I can't rely on my DH to follow through on his commitments....even when he stands in front of me and repeats what I ask him to do, and agrees to it, it's still 50/50 the task will actually get completed.

 

Next, add in social weirdness (he once invited some people we barely know over on Christmas Eve) and a lack of emtional support (I added the part about my kids not attending my Mom's funeral in response to someone who suggested I should have sought solace during the funeral from someone other than my husband).

 

Ugh, it's just hard. Too hard on some days.

 

What I would like to hear from all of you - am I being unreasonable?

 

How would you feel if someone agreed to do something but then didn't follow through, on a regular basis? What would you do about it?

 

And you felt like you couldn't fully connect with them emotionally i.e share life's happiness/sadness/absurdity on a regular basis?

[xxoo]

How would you feel if someone agreed to do something but then didn't follow through, on a regular basis? What would you do about it?

 

Plan for it. If it is a predictable pattern, it is as much your fault as his for depending on him to do what he obviously can not manage. So depend on him for what he can manage, and find other support for things he can not (hire help, ask for help from family, set alarms on his phone with reminders, etc).

 

And you felt like you couldn't fully connect with them emotionally i.e share life's happiness/sadness/absurdity on a regular basis?

 

That's a tough one, but apparently you fell in love with him as he is. You'll need to surround yourself with family and friends who can provide that kind of sharing, because he won't be able to provide it.

[writergal]

I think my frustration with my DH can be distilled into two key points: 1 - I feel like I can't rely on him. 2- no emotional support. I didn't know it until recently, but these traits have a name: autism.

 

Yes, life with kids, jobs, etc is hectic, but there's usually two parents, right? I don't see myself as a perfectionist, but I do constantly have this nagging feeling that if I don't oversee everything myself (get the kids where they need to be going, pick them up, oversee homework, talk to them about their day, give them input/feedback/advice, make sure everyone is being treated relatively fairly, clean up, teach them to clean up, disipline them, etc.) then it just won't get done. I can't rely on my DH to follow through on his commitments....even when he stands in front of me and repeats what I ask him to do, and agrees to it, it's still 50/50 the task will actually get completed.

 

Next, add in social weirdness (he once invited some people we barely know over on Christmas Eve) and a lack of emtional support (I added the part about my kids not attending my Mom's funeral in response to someone who suggested I should have sought solace during the funeral from someone other than my husband).

 

Ugh, it's just hard. Too hard on some days.

 

What I would like to hear from all of you - am I being unreasonable?

 

How would you feel if someone agreed to do something but then didn't follow through, on a regular basis? What would you do about it?

 

And you felt like you couldn't fully connect with them emotionally i.e share life's happiness/sadness/absurdity on a regular basis?

 

Well, what I"m hearing from you is built up frustration from the past 17 years of marriage. I don't think your frustration of feeling burdened is unreasonable.

 

Since your husband was only just recently diagnosed with autism (ASD), those habits of his that bother you, including his lack of social skills can all be related to his autism. That fact alone, should provide you with relief, because now you have an explanation that you can work with.

 

As I said in my previous posts, I think you would benefit from joining a parents of autistic children support network for your own sanity sake.

 

And I encourage you to help your husband locate autism specialists he can work with to learn the skills that you and I take for granted. Then he can work on becoming someone you can rely on for emotional support. But he needs time to adjust to his diagnosis too. He may not even fully grasp it yet. Adults diagnosed with ASD have a much more difficult time accepting the label of autism than children do. And he's been a certain way his entire life. Now, suddenly, a specialist has identified the reason for his social awkwardness and cognitive weaknesses (not following through, short attention span, etc., whatever they are). Don't throw out your husband just yet. Your family is in a huge period of adjustment right now.

 

Think, for the past 17 years prior to your husband's ASD diagnosis, you both just winged it with you shouldering the majority of your children's education and the household responsibilities. You deserve a huge pat on the back for hanging in there this long, coming this far.

 

But you can't give up now, esp. since your husband has a diagnosis that explains why he's deficient socially and cognitively. I know you probably feel like you've run out of patience and understanding, and that you are exhausted with being what you perceive as the one person responsible for looking after 6 lives (yours, your husband's and your 4 children) for all this time.

 

Why don't you consider hiring an after school nanny? I think that would take a huge burden off of your shoulders. The after school nanny/housekeeper can take responsibility for your household and childcare needs. Can you budget for this extra help right now? Possibly ask a relative or older neighborhood babysitter to stop by after school, or pick up your children from school?

Edited July 23, 2012 by writergal

[soul83]

Wow well I have a hell of a lot to say on this thread. Let's pull it all apart...

 

I must say that I am nervous about the future after all the reading I've done online about the phenomenon of the mid life crisis and walk away wives. I am newly married and facing my own difficulties (but that's for another thread).

 

Right, so I want to know why the OP thinks it is now ok (after learning of the mental illness) to walk away from her husband after all these years! It kind of makes me firmly believe that today's selfish society is such that anyone other than your family (this excludes your spouse in the term family) should be viewed as never guaranteed to accept you for all of their lives. When two people get together, they are essentially strangers coming together and trying to build their lives together. But at the end of the day, if they fall out of love and decide to go looking elsewhere, they have turned themselves and their partner into strangers.

 

Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess what I am getting at is that it is extremely hard to trust anyone other than family (even then that's hard) to accept all of you. Basically in today's society I really feel almost completely disheartened with the concept of a true accepting love. Things change so easily and both men and women find another partner to move on, no matter how long they have been married.

 

I hate that and it is one of the things that will drive me to remain single for the rest of my life or never get married again if my marriage fails.

 

I am committed to my wife. I married her to accept her warts and all. Yes I have a lot of sadness and issues to work through with her. Yes we have major problems to fix. But I chose to marry her, so it is my decision as to whether or not I keep working to be with her and keep us together. Hell, even if she had something go terribly wrong physically or mentally, I would want to be there for her to support her as much as possible.

 

If she suffered from a mental illness, I would want to work with her for treatment. I can imagine it would be heartbreaking to go through but when you choose to marry, you choose to stay with that person through hell or high water.

 

OP, I would seek out counselling both individually and as a couple. You have a family for christ's sake! I understand you might be feeling confused and wondering if your husband can still love you, but of course he does in his own special way! Mental illness if noting to be ashamed of.

 

I'm going to be blunt with you, what if you were in an accident and lying in a hospital bed with impaired memory or mental functioning but could still recognise your husband. Close your eyes and picture this for a minute. Imagine he stands there and shakes his head and says "I can't live this. She may never be 100% right again and it is going to be a difficult road. I'd rather give up and save myself the hurt and trouble"... HOW WOULD YOU FEEL RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT AS YOUR HUSBAND WALKS AWAY??

 

You have no idea the emotional damage you could wreak just because of the 'grass is greener on the other side' attitude.

 

Go to counselling and get on top of it and remember that he is the man you chose to marry. How about trying to connect with each other by assuming the roles of when you both first met? Try it. Think back to when you guys were younger - what did you do and say? Recall those first dates? Play them out!

 

Go and give it a try! Get someone to look after your child for the night and go and visit some of the places where you first dated. You might be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

 

Good luck and have the strength to look after yourself and your husband and keep your family together.

[frozensprouts]

Let's see. You both forgot the soccer game, yet it's his fault. You both forgot your daughters' homework, yet its his fault. Either of you could have ensured your children were at your mom's funeral, yet it's his fault. He's got autism and you're not neurologically impaired, and it's his fault.

 

You aren't bringing up any serious problems at all. Not even close.

 

Actually since you are the constant scold (your words), this sounds like it doesn't have anything to do with his autism at all.

 

Obviously your husband and kids have made a point of staying up late reading precisely because you keep scolding them "It's bed time 9 pm. I told you it's bed time. No more stories. No staying up late. I mean it. I really mean it." I'll bet they are all laughing their rear ends off every time you try to make them go to bed on time. (My kids were the same way, don't sweat it.)

 

 

 

 

 

You need to explain why you married a man who gives no emotional support, had four kids with him, he is a great guy....now you need emotional support? After 17 years? Why?

 

 

 

 

The traits are the same, only the name is new.

 

 

 

 

He sounds like he participates in the parenting.

 

 

 

 

 

OK now I think I get it. You're a total control freak. I bet the reason you two got together originally is because your controllingness compensated for his functional deficits due to his undiagnosed autism.

 

What's now happening however is that over time his autism has actually improved. He's more functional than before and you're not as capable of exercising total control any more. The kids are getting older and they are starting to disregard your efforts at control as well, little by little. They are also individuals who have their own motives and behaviors even though they are kids and don't just do everything mom says to do.

 

 

 

 

 

Give him a written list. 50/50 is actually better than average. My wife is constantly asking me to do stuff and unless it's written down it's easy for me to forget.

 

 

 

 

 

Your example of social weirdness is him inviting relative strangers over for Christmas? That's it? I mean it's not like he's running around in public exposing himself or something, is it? You know there's a tradition for certain religious people to invite strangers over to celebrate a holiday like christmas if they think they might not have any place else to go.

 

Also re the funeral, didn't you have any other relatives there? Sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins, friends?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The problem is you haven't actually stated your husband is doing anything that is particularly horrendous, maybe it's a little bit irritating, but he actually sounds pretty normal.

 

 

 

 

You already know the answer to that.

 

 

 

 

 

I would assume either the person had a cognitive or functional deficit inhibiting them from following through OR that they were passive aggressively reacting to someone who might be a "total scold" and therefore they were afraid to honestly say "no" to.

 

What if your husband simply told you "no" when you kept nagging him. "No, honey, you remember the soccer game." "No, honey, you help little Suzy with her homework." "No honey, I'm the kids dad and if I say we stay up til 10 reading, that's how it's going to be."

 

Obviously your husband is just "yessing" you to death and doing whatever he wants since you are such a big nag. This really has nothing to do with autism.

 

 

 

 

 

And you felt like you couldn't fully connect with them emotionally i.e share life's happiness/sadness/absurdity on a regular basis?

 

why should everything in their marriage be on her?

 

her husband sounds like someone with very high functioning form of autism...he is an adult, and excusing his behavior as if he were a child does him no favors. He has a an issue with neurological functioning that affects his ability to communicate and "read" others - he's not some kind of fool. Her spelling out for him exactly what is needed is not "scolding"..in fact, this is often recommend as a technique for communicating your needs to someone with autism, since things like vocal inflection, non verbal cues( body language, facial expressions,) are not useful to them. Having things spellled out in an precise, step by step way is often recommended

He is fully capable of holding up his end of things but there may be better ways of achieving this goal...

 

The long and the short of it is that this man is a parent to these children. He also participated in the decision to have four kids, now he needs to hold up his end and be a "dad" to them, and if that means putting his foot down and getting them to bed on time ( a time that is mutually agreed on with his wife before hand), making sure to get them to their game on time, helping with homework, etc. than he needs to do that.

 

The key is helping him find ways of not forgetting these things, not enabling this behavior...

 

look at it this way...if it were her husband who got a promotion that meant more responsibility at work ( and more stress and less time to be able to do things around the house) would it be unreasonable to expect his wife to do a little bit more around the house? I don't think so, so why is it somehow unreasonable for her to expect this?

 

OP...

sit down with your husband and talk to him about the things that are bothering you and why they bother you. Give him a chance to do the same. Let him know what things he could do to make things better and let him do the same with you.Ask him what areas he finds difficult and ask him if he has any ideas that he feels could be helpful to him ( one thing we do is to list important things, in a step by step fashion, and put the lists on the fridge, beside the bathroom mirror, by the coat closet, etc.- a visual aid like that is really helpful) It may take a while, and you may end up feeling that he is fixated on the minutiae of the situation and not the "big picture" but keep at it. The suggestion that you find a psychologist ( not just a counselor) with experience with adults with autism makes a lot of sense. They can help the two of you find better ways of dealing with the things in your day to day lives, and you will both be happier for it.

 

Joining a support group as another poster suggested is also a great idea. Sometimes talking with others who understand what you are going through can allow you to vent and talk about your frustrations can be wonderful...you'll feel refreshed