Spouse with autism

[standtall]

Well duck and frozen, in my years of marriage, when it comes to theses petty things, I have found that one spouse seldom is 100% at fault and the other 100% blameless. Either way, IMHO, they need to meet in the middle...daddy needs to step up his game, and mom needs to lay off the perfectionism. In a strong marriage, the rest is just..details.

[i_dont_know]

DuckSoup - I'm sorry that your wife/partner cheated on you and it's driven you to such a high level of anxiety. I hope your wound heals over quickly.

 

standtall - Living with an autistic person is one of those things you have to experience to understand. What I've described is not what most other married couples with children experience every day....I believed that for 17 years. I was wrong. My husband has a disability, and that disability has a profound impact on his interactions with those around him.

 

soul83 - great advice. Thank you. After seeing a close relative and his spouse suffer through the ravages of ALS I can say in full honesty I would not be upset if my husband moved on if I became severely incapacitated, mentally or physically. He deserves to have a good life. That said, I am facing nowhere near that level of dislocation. My situation is more about daily wear and tear. I hear you about buckling down, and going to distance for the team.

 

frozensprouts - thank you for your input. When some more time has gone by and my son is getting the services he needs, I do intend to seek out both IC and MC.

 

Lastly, below is a very sad letter written on a website for people married to someone with autism. I post it here to provide more color on what it's like to be married to someone with autism. "Draining" is the right word.

 

It seems like there is big need for MC related to autism/non-autism marriages.

 

 

******************************************************

 

 

Hello,

 

I am at my wit’s end with my husband. I believe he may have Aspberger’s . He is highly intelligent, articulate and a physician. He is artistic and musical( plays guitar). He smiles easily and talks to people easily. However, over the 8 years we have been married, I have wanted to either kill him or leave him. We have a daughter who seems to show signs of it too. Lucky me.

 

He never buys me presents when he knows what I like. He will forget to pay important bills all the time- I am constantly having to check up on him. We rarely go out to parties but when we do, if he meets one person that rubs him the wrong way, he is done for the night. He is emotionally odd- at my mother’s funeral he was irritated and said rude things because I wasn’t paying attention to him. He will hand me something to hold, seeing that my hands are full. He can’t seem to feed our daughter meals on time if I am late from work. I am going to school right now and he gets obsessed about band practice with friends and insists on it’s importance when I have to study. I usually end up yelling at him and asking him why he is so dumb? Then he can’t talk and he leaves the room. I don’t know if I have the fortitude to take care of him and my daughter.

 

Oh, how i wish i knew the signs of this disorder when I dated him for two years. People think he is sweet and I just am an independent woman who just complains. He fits some of the criteria but not most of the criteria yet I think he does have this disorder. I have never been so tired, stressed, depressed and not myself in my whole life. He drains me. I feel like I should just cut my ties now, if I am to have a satisfying life. I am no martyr. My daughter would be better off to see a happy mom instead of an angry raving lunatic like I am now. I don’t know if support groups would be helpful because it would all be aimed at me having to help him. I don’t know if i want to do that!

 

thanks

lisa

[standtall]

 

standtall - Living with an autistic person is one of those things you have to experience to understand. What I've described is not what most other married couples with children experience every day....I believed that for 17 years. I was wrong. My husband has a disability, and that disability has a profound impact on his interactions with those around him.

 

 

 

 

******************************************************

 

 

Hello,

 

I am at my wit’s end with my husband. I believe he may have Aspberger’s . He is highly intelligent, articulate and a physician. He is artistic and musical( plays guitar). He smiles easily and talks to people easily. However, over the 8 years we have been married, I have wanted to either kill him or leave him. We have a daughter who seems to show signs of it too. Lucky me.

 

He never buys me presents when he knows what I like. He will forget to pay important bills all the time- I am constantly having to check up on him. We rarely go out to parties but when we do, if he meets one person that rubs him the wrong way, he is done for the night. He is emotionally odd- at my mother’s funeral he was irritated and said rude things because I wasn’t paying attention to him. He will hand me something to hold, seeing that my hands are full. He can’t seem to feed our daughter meals on time if I am late from work. ............

 

I don't know, it appears that you are only on here to hear what you want hear. Personally, I don't buy into the recently diagnosed, adult asperger's/autism crap at all. He made it to adulthood, managed to fool and marry a person, and have 4 normal kids....all without killing himself or going to jail...it doesn't sound like to much of a disability to me. If being a sometimes irresponsible, not-perfect parent is a disability, then we would all be in wheelchairs. IMHO, it some "mystical" syndrome diagnosis to sell drugs, and is a product of the "it's not my fault" culture that is so prevalent in many of our societies. What you have described, along with what is in that "click -n- paste" letter, is what goes on in a typical marriage. Your husband sounds like he is not as well put together and meticulous as you, but otherwise well within the bell curve for typical human behavior.

 

Your problems are no different then anyone else. You married him and knew what he was like. You choose to have 4 kids with him while juggling a full time career. You have described yourself as the 100% right spouse and he is 100% wrong. You have not taken one iota of blame for anything in your marriage..including your apparent marriage to your job. You're posts are indicative that you're allowing your marriage to suffer from what you accuse your husband of having....a syndrome where "it's not my fault".

Edited July 25, 2012 by standtall

[i_dont_know]

standtall - your denial that autism is a real condition robs you of any credibility and negates all of your arguments.

 

Thank you to writergal, frozensprouts, stse586, Anixous J, carhill, pink_sugar, bentnotbroken, xxoo, and soul83 for the good advice.

[standtall]

standtall - your denial that autism is a real condition robs you of any credibility and negates all of your arguments.

 

.

 

In your opinion..besides I said recently diagnosed adult autism..not the kind that is so obvious that everyone picks up the issues when they are a kid because they cannot function. If your going to criticize, at least get what you're criticizing right. Your husband functions and made it to adulthood just fine without having to excuse his behavior. You're denial of accountability of your own behavior robs you of credibility.....now continue on thanking people that only agree with you while you torpedo your marriage because your husband annoys you.

Edited July 26, 2012 by standtall

[frozensprouts]

OP,

now that you have your new position that requires more from you, have you and your husband sat down together and talked about adjusting the household responsibilities so that he helps out more around the house?

 

Also, from what you say, you have a child who's been diagnosed with autism...do you mind me asking how "functional" he is? Depending on your answer, you may be looking at some pretty expensive therapy for him in the not to distant future...between speech therapy, psychological therapy, occupational therapy, etc., you could be looking at some pretty expensive bills...do either you or your husband have good health insurance? (Even with good health insurance, we still pay about 15,000/yr in "extra" costs related to autism for our two kids who are "on the spectrum...between speech therapy, therapy with a psychologist,occupational therapy and some medication for our oldest ) i know it's still a recent diagnosis for your son, but depending upon how functional he is, you may be looking at him living at home as an adult ( I'm pretty sure our son will, maybe our oldest daughter too)...now that you have a better position, is there any way you can put some extra money aside for his future care ( if he needs it) - these are things that you and your husband will have to figure out together in the future...

to be honest, more than a few marriages where the one ( or more) of the kids is "special needs" just don't make it...between the added stress, the guilt, the extra demands on your time from your child, etc. things can get really difficult. add to that any external stressors, and you can end up in a very bad situation. This is why I would recommend that you and your husband get some counseling, as what ever the cause may be, it sounds like you two already have some issues, and counseling may help you sort them out and find ways to deal with the added stress...

also, in spite of what some on here would have you believe, it's okay to vent and to "blow off steam"...it's okay to admit that there are things your husband does that bug you...this doesn't mean tht you want to divorce, etc., bu rather that you are looking for ways to make things better...if venting to a bunch of anonymous people on an internet message board allows to you to blow off some steam , that's not a bad thing. Keeping your feeling bottled up would be much worse, and probably would lead to you becoming even more angry at your husband...( I really don't understand why some on here seem to be so against you venting...that doesn't mean you are going to cheat or divorce, and every husband/wife has things about their spouse that drive them a bit crazy...this doesn't mean they don't love them or that they want to have an affair...)

Edited July 26, 2012 by frozensprouts

[frozensprouts]

OP,

now that you have your new position that requires more from you, have you and your husband sat down together and talked about adjusting the household responsibilities so that he helps out more around the house?

 

Also, from what you say, you have a child who's been diagnosed with autism...do you mind me asking how "functional" he is? Depending on your answer, you may be looking at some pretty expensive therapy for him in the not to distant future...between speech therapy, psychological therapy, occupational therapy, etc., you could be looking at some pretty expensive bills...do either you or your husband have good health insurance? (Even with good health insurance, we still pay about 15,000/yr in "extra" costs related to autism for our two kids who are "on the spectrum...between speech therapy, therapy with a psychologist,occupational therapy and some medication for our oldest ) i know it's still a recent diagnosis for your son, but depending upon how functional he is, you may be looking at him living at home as an adult ( I'm pretty sure our son will, maybe our oldest daughter too)...now that you have a better position, is there any way you can put some extra money aside for his future care ( if he needs it) - these are things that you and your husband will have to figure out together in the future...

to be honest, more than a few marriages where the one ( or more) of the kids is "special needs" just don't make it...between the added stress, the guilt, the extra demands on your time from your child, etc. things can get really difficult. add to that any external stressors, and you can end up in a very bad situation. This is why I would recommend that you and your husband get some counseling, as what ever the cause may be, it sounds like you two already have some issues, and counseling may help you sort them out and find ways to deal with the added stress...

also, in spite of what some on here would have you believe, it's okay to vent and to "blow off steam"...it's okay to admit that there are things your husband does that bug you...this doesn't mean tht you want to divorce, etc., bu rather that you are looking for ways to make things better...if venting to a bunch of anonymous people on an internet message board allows to you to blow off some steam , that's not a bad thing. Keeping your feeling bottled up would be much worse, and probably would lead to you becoming even more angry at your husband...( I really don't understand why some on here seem to be so against you venting...that doesn't mean you are going to cheat or divorce, and every husband/wife has things about their spouse that drive them a bit crazy...this doesn't mean they don't love them or that they want to have an affair...)

 

I started a support group for parents of kids with different health, social, psychological, etc. issues, and I was really surprised at how many of them felt the same way I did, and how many were afraid to talk to their spouses about how they felt because they didn't want to add to their burden. This comes from a place of love and kindness, but it can kill a marriage.

 

The social worker who participated on the group told us that a lot of people in that situation turn inward to deal with the stress, and don't talk about it on anything more than a "superficial " level with their spouse...this can lead to anger, resentment or the idea that their spouse doesn't care, when, in fact, they do but they don't know how to reach out to each other. Add to that the "normal" stresses of day to day life, and things can get really bad ( sad to say that happened to my husband and me...he had an affair, and things got really bad for us, but we stuck it out and were able to reconcile)...

 

this is why I am suggesting marital counseling for the two of you...if your husband already has issues communicating, then it may be really helpful for you two to have a neutral third party involved who can help you two through this and also help you two make plans for your son's future ( not to be alarmist or anything, but your son may be facing some tough times ahead and he will need both of you there to support him through it)

[i_dont_know]

Thanks frozensprouts. Maybe I am just venting. MC is definitely in the plan for us, once my son is up to speed and I can find a counselor who understands autism-related behaviours.

 

My son is 8, and only recently diagnosed. He's very high-functioning....in a regular school and classroom, no troubles keeping up. His troubles are almost entirely social, although anxiety will sometimes prevent him from focusing fully. With some ABA, social skills groups and OT, he has a bright future ahead of him.

 

Thank you for caring.

 

(BTW, if you look at the profile of the people who are criticizing me, you can get a link to all of their posts. Read through them and you will see a pattern - it's pretty clear there are some wounded animals on this forum.)

[i_dont_know]

Personally, I don't buy into the recently diagnosed, adult asperger's/autism crap at all. IMHO, it some "mystical" syndrome diagnosis to sell drugs, and is a product of the "it's not my fault" culture that is so prevalent in many of our societies.

 

Your words, not mine.

[frozensprouts]

i IMHO, it some "mystical" syndrome diagnosis to sell drugs, and is a product of the "it's not my fault" culture that is so prevalent in many of our societies

 

umm...what "drugs" are given to adults with aspergers?

 

your posting that makes me wonder if you know what it is...there's no "drug" to treat it, but in some people, it has a co-morbidity with an anxiety disorder which does respond to a combined therapy of a low dose anti depressant and cognitive therapy ( talk therapy may also be helpful). Some people also show symptoms of OCD, but this is best treated with cognitive therapy, not medication.

[frozensprouts]

I really don't understand what some posters on here have against a wife ( or husband, for that matter) griping about something their spouse does that bothers them...would you rather have her just sit there unhappy and not say anything?

as for the idea that just because she finds some things that her husband does/doesn't do to be annoying so she's going to run out and get a divorce or cheat on him...hat's nonsense. If you are married ask yourself if you ahve always been happy about everything your spouse does, if you have enevr found some idiosyncracies they have to be irritating, that you've never gripe once about something they did/didn't do...if you have, then by following your logic, you are a bad husband, you wanted a divorce, you were not understanding or you wnated to cheat on your wife and were just looking for an excuse to do it

( if you say that nothing your spouse ever did annoyed you, then I think you aren't being very honest)

[frozensprouts]

Ducksoup...

 

you sure seem to make a lot of negative assumptions about people, and read an awful lot into a situation...

 

about the kids going to bed on time...

if you've ever raised a kid with n autism spectrum disorder, the you know that scheduling is uber important ( a pain in the butt sometimes, but it can't be helped) dad keeping the kids up later than they are used to an lead to them not being able to sleep...a lot of kids with autism have very poor sleep cycles, and it an take a long time to get them to fall asleep. a consistent sleep routine may help with this...so in this situation, mom being a 'scold' is required.

 

as for the soccer game...if dad agreed to take his daughter and then forgot, yes, that is on him. If mom is a work and he knows she can't do it, then again, it's on him.

 

as far as her working...perhaps she is the sole income earner, maybe her job has really good health insurance that they need to help pay for any extras that having kids requires...I don't know. If the roles were reversed, would you expect that dad to give up his position and excuse the mom for all her short comings?

 

As for her blaming him for having 'faulty genes' why are you making this assumption? how do you know she is thinking this way?Instead of attacking her, why not empathize a bit. She never said the guy is terrible or bad o a horrible husband...she never painted herself as the perfect wife ( as you like to point out, she's a self admitted "scold")...to me,she sounds more like a wife and mother who has a lot on her plate is is seeking some one to listen to her and empathize a little bit...you may not have to agree with her, but a little empathy n go a long way

 

I have seen more than a few marriages break up due in large part to caring for a special needs kid, and in the vast majority, the parent who left never complained about their spouse, never blamed them for anything, was always understanding and kept all their sadness, guilt, anger, frustrations etc. bottled up when they needed to let it out ( and these are military families dealing with a whole bunch of other stuff like their spouse being deployed for six months to a year, moving every two years, etc.- it's often considered 'bad form' to be upset about that...you are just supposed to trudge along)......but they never got the chance to release some of the pressure slowly, and it build up until there was a blow out and they left.

 

This woman can't even let her feelings out with her spouse because he doesn't 'get' it right now...that doesn't mean he won't or can't in time, but right now, she needs to blow off some steam by venting to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet, and why that seems to be such a horrible idea, i don't know