hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I don't want to be beat up for this thread, I need a place to help with my pain. It's unbearable. I still love him so much. Long story short, we reconnected again, and starting talking through emails. I forgave xmm for the devestating pain he had caused me. I don't want to get into all of that, too long, and still upsets me, where I felt suicidal. Last Friday we where talking through IM, and had been so open and honest about how we felt. We talked for about 4 hours. Made plans to talk Saturday night to. We never got in touch, andI had a feeling something awful happened. Yesterday i received an email from him that his wife found the IM and read every one. Why in Gods name he never deleted them I don't know. He told me she's hurt and he felt awful. What made her go through his IM, I have no idea. He warned me for her sake he needed to send me an email. I told him no need to, I know when it's time to let go. Take care of yourself, and your wife. He said he still needed to. I asked him again not to, because I knew how bad it would hurt, but he had to. I got the most crushing email from him last night. She made him delete everything from FB accounts to email addresses, to anything on line that he had. I feel awful. I can amagine how she feels. I know in my heart I'll never hear from again. Again please don't be mean, I have no one else I can talk to. This is someone who I have always loved. I'm crushed. My best friend is gone. Yes I know he's married. I could tell him anything. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 You don't want to hear this, but this is part of the risk you took. Nothing covert or secretive that plays with peoples' lives ever ends well across the board. someone was always going to get hurt, and face a future not of their choosing. Only one person comes out with a partial loss, and that's him. Either you, or his wife stood to lose. As matters turned out, you drew the short straw. you're in pain, but believe me - let it flow, give it space and respect, and this too shall pass. Pain is standard. Suffering, is optional. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) Sorry you are hurting it ends up this way many times here as you heard. I dont know how long it lasted or anything. But try to stay strong and true to your words to him. Keep posting while you go through this many have been trough the same. Edited July 18, 2012 by scatterd Link to post Share on other sites
EmptyHeartGirl Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 HT, I can definitely relate to the pain you must be going through. I won;t lie to you it's going to be hard to get through, but you can if you keep focus on you. A Couple of questions: How did you feel about being the other woman? How do you feel about him choosing to be with his wife? I really want you to think about the answers to those questions. It's so easy for us to focus on our feelings for them, and how we feel in the moment. However when you step back and think about the situation, I can;t imagine it made you feel happy knowing that he was climbing in bed with his wife every night, that you had to keep your relationship a secret, and ultimately when he was confronted he chose her. Do you really want to go back to that? You deserve someone who is going to be there for you WHENEVER you need him. Someone who is PROUD to be out with you, and wants to tell everyone that you are his and he is yours. It may not feel like it now, but that someone is out there for you. This guy is NOT that person. I hope you can stay on course because he will reach out to you when things have settled with his wife, it's going to be up to you to decide if you deserve better. Good Luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 " I got the most crushing email from him last night. She made him delete everything from FB accounts to email addresses, to anything on line that he had. I feel awful." Hurting tonight... you will stop hurting so badly and start to heal when you realize that his wife did not MAKE him do this, he chose too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hurting tonight... you will stop hurting so badly and start to heal when you realize that his wife did not MAKE him do this, he chose too. I thought the same thing when I read that. I also considered the fact that you made a comment about becoming "suicidal". People in these types of EMR's, particularly, very selfish people ,don't want that type of high maintenace drama. They want worry free, carefree type EMR's. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 He actually just emailed me, I'm surprised he kept my email address and my email from yest. He said, sorry for that, it needed to be done in front of her. He said take care. So what does it mean, he'll never be in touch. I don't know. Why did he even bother? What do I say to him. I'm crushed, I'm hurt, or yes I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 He actually just emailed me, I'm surprised he kept my email address and my email from yest. He said, sorry for that, it needed to be done in front of her. He said take care. So what does it mean, he'll never be in touch. I don't know. Why did he even bother? What do I say to him. I'm crushed, I'm hurt, or yes I understand. Take care in this case means goodbye. Forever. Don't reply back to him. He has to put his wife first and she has asked him to do the goodbye email to you, which he has. I know you're hurting but this is what he has to do if he wants to try to salvage things with his wife. She has to be his first priority now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 What you need to do now is have a good cry, and grieve the loss. It takes time and you'll have some pretty awful days but you will have lots of good days too. Surround yourself with friends that have your back and can help you through this. Keep busy and really try not to 'fantasize and remember' details of intimate times with him. That will stop you from healing and somehow give yourself hope that he'll change his mind and come back to you. He is where he wants to be. His wife didn't 'force' him to do this. He could have told her no..But he didn't and he's chosen his wife, family and his life over what he shared with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 I don't get why he even bothered to email me. It hurts even more. I hope he's happy. I only wish him happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 He actually just emailed me, I'm surprised he kept my email address and my email from yest. He said, sorry for that, it needed to be done in front of her. He said take care. So what does it mean, he'll never be in touch. I don't know. Why did he even bother? What do I say to him. I'm crushed, I'm hurt, or yes I understand. What does it mean? To be blunt it means: I'm choosing my M. Sorry it hurts. He'll likely be back once his M and his W settles down and it feels safe to do so. And when he comes back, it'll likely be to resume the A and not for "happy ever after". Pay more attention to his actions (has he filed for D and moved out?) versus his words (I had to say it because my W was right there). Personally, he has made his choice and it's his M. Knowing this, block, delete and cry. Close all roads to you. He is forever lost and it was HIS choice. Failure to do so merely extends this pain unneccasilarily. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Believe it or not - and this will go against every feeling you have, and every fibre of your being - you do not respond, react, reply or even stick your head above the parapet. Read my 'Caliguy No Contact' link in my signature. Read it several times. In fact, read it so many times you could give a recital at Carnegie Hall. Copy, paste, print, and leave it all over your house, anywhere you linger, sit and think. Carry a copy with you at all times, and read it frequently. All of the above will be of absolutely no use whatsoever if you don't then stick to it 100%, for 100% of the time. You must do this. you HAVE TO DO this. Or you will drive yourself insane. Replying creates one other problem you may not have considered. His betrayed wife now doesn't trust him an inch, and if she has any sense (looking at it from her PoV) she will want complete transparency and disclosure. she is aching and deeply hurt right now. Just like you are. (I told you, the one with only partial loss, is him. If not her, you. If not you, her. Ultimately, it's win-win for him.) But she will be mistrustful, angry, hurt and deeply resentful. If you reply - you think she won't ever find out? His contacting you again, shows the deep disrespect he has for both of you. He wants to make himself feel good by appeasing your pain, and appealing to your sense of devotion. She asked him to delete everything and come clean. Liar, he hasn't. He said goodbye to you, and told you this was it. Liar, it wasn't. There is one, single, pure and simple reason - one only - for his behaving in this way: He still wants to keep both options open. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 I'm not ready to block and delete him. Not yet anyway. I highly doubt he will reach back out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 He is doing this for future purpose so when it has mellowed he can come back fishing. The wife will be blamed for making him do this. This is a blessing in disguise you don't deserve a half a man nor does his wife. Take this time to focus on your self and to get strong for when he does come back fishing.You deserve a full man not crumbs. When you heal you will find a unmarried full loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 I may just reply to him and tell him to take care also. It's innocent reply.That will be it. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I'm not ready to block and delete him. Not yet anyway. I highly doubt he will reach back out to me. Fair enough. But YOU own the consequences. Because he WILL come back fishing - he's already set the bait and you have already taken it. When you are done allowing him to use you, when you are done allowing him to hurt you - maybe I can help. Until then...protect yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 If you write back you are giving the response he hopes for the ok she cares I can come back after this blows over. He does not like the no response so he responds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 For the life of me I don't get how he could not delete those IM. That's not like him to make such a huge over sight. It's driving me insane because I want to respond to him. Normally I would right away, but I'm terrified to.God forbid his wife found my reply. I just want to tell him to take care. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 He is still betraying wife and is doing what she wants for appearance. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. If he gets you back later its all on his conditions you will just be there when he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I don't want to be beat up for this thread, I need a place to help with my pain. It's unbearable. I still love him so much. Long story short, we reconnected again, and starting talking through emails. I forgave xmm for the devestating pain he had caused me. I don't want to get into all of that, too long, and still upsets me, where I felt suicidal. Last Friday we where talking through IM, and had been so open and honest about how we felt. We talked for about 4 hours. Made plans to talk Saturday night to. We never got in touch, andI had a feeling something awful happened. Yesterday i received an email from him that his wife found the IM and read every one. Why in Gods name he never deleted them I don't know. He told me she's hurt and he felt awful. What made her go through his IM, I have no idea. He warned me for her sake he needed to send me an email. I told him no need to, I know when it's time to let go. Take care of yourself, and your wife. He said he still needed to. I asked him again not to, because I knew how bad it would hurt, but he had to. I got the most crushing email from him last night. She made him delete everything from FB accounts to email addresses, to anything on line that he had. I feel awful. I can amagine how she feels. I know in my heart I'll never hear from again. Again please don't be mean, I have no one else I can talk to. This is someone who I have always loved. I'm crushed. My best friend is gone. Yes I know he's married. I could tell him anything. Hi hurting, I can imagine how you feel. There's no magic cure to feel better immediately, but with time, you will eventually feel better. It probably feels far off, but all over LS people have gone through similar things and have come out on the other side. I know he was your bestfriend, but the reality is that, he didn't value you more than his current married life. When it all hit the fan, you were the one he tossed by the way side. He's saying his wife "made him" delete this that and the third thing...yea okay, she didn't make him...he obliged her wishes because he doesn't want to further upset her and because he wants to stay married. HE wants it too...not just her. Who knows why he didn't delete your chats...maybe he wanted to get caught? Perhaps he wanted his wife to find it so that he could be rid of the situation with you....or perhaps he made up the whole thing about her finding out so that he could have a reason to end it and not seem like the bad guy. He could say "she made me do it" and that sounds better than "I'm done with this". Who really knows?! You don't need to be emotionally attached to someone whom your relaitonship is dependent upon them making sure to erase your existence behind them...think about that, it's a sad state of affairs when you think of it: "We'd still be together and be bestfriends if he'd only deleted our conversation"...what??? The short of it is: once the pain subsides, I'll think you'll review everything and realize how much more you're worth. Why should anyone have a bestfriend or boyfriend who has to delete their conversations and hide their relationship? It was only a fraction of what authentic friendship and love are, as my REAL friends don't hide me or toss me aside to appease others...they simply don't. How long was that supposed to last? It was an unsustainable situation and with time I'm sure you'll realize the truth about it and see you guys separating as a blessing in disguise. For now it hurts though and all I can suggest is venting here, talking to friends, taking the time to be upset, be hurt and grieve and then start to focus on yourself and start seeing the reality of the situation in plain light.....the more you see...the more you'll be determined to get over him. Edited July 18, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 MB I had to get on the phone but you did make the point I was thinking.This is so common here we these kind of realationships. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I know you are hurting and him doing this does not help. If you can block him for now it might help. He could be lying about everything it not unheard of here.If you get tempted to write him or any thing come here and post.People will help you get through the moments. After awhile when you have healed you will see him for what it is and you will be helping others with what you learnTheir is a pattern that comes along with cheating and so much hurt for the two people the who get involved with the unfaithful spouse. Be thankful you are not married to him his wife is hurting also. Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 You will absolutely not believe this, but if you do not respond, you will feel better about yourself. It's a way of retaining your personal power. I know you want to reach out & respond, I absolutely get that. But what about giving it 24 hours? Just try and go 24 hours. You can do that. I know you can. Don't respond. Here's how I see it - you are either satisfied being his AP or you want the whole enchilada, you want him to leave his marriage. How will he know his life without you if you don't stop giving him attention & affection? He's quite satisified with both an AP - you, and his married life. Think about it. What do you want? Right now, decide. Do not let him have you on the side. You will NEVER be happy. You must walk away. Leave it be. Make him suffer. He will either leave the marriage or not. Do not respond. Just try and not respond for 24 hours. Sleep on it. Let it all soak in for awhile. You do not have to do anything at this very moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you. I haven't responded. It's just sitting in my inbox waiting for me. Right now I'm too hurt to respond to him though. Seeing his name pop up on my messenger with an email hurt me. I wasn't ready for that. I need sleep and food, then i'll decide what to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 You don't want to hear this, but this is part of the risk you took. Nothing covert or secretive that plays with peoples' lives ever ends well across the board. someone was always going to get hurt, and face a future not of their choosing. Only one person comes out with a partial loss, and that's him. Either you, or his wife stood to lose. As matters turned out, you drew the short straw. you're in pain, but believe me - let it flow, give it space and respect, and this too shall pass. Pain is standard. Suffering, is optional. I disagree. Sometimes it ends well and sometimes nobody ends up being hurt (at least not by the affair). If the ex affair partner's wife never found the IM's and next month he told her that he just wasn't happy in the marriage and wanted out, then started an above board relationship with his affair partner... Then things work out, nobody gets hurt (by the affair). To the original poster - I'm truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find that next special someone in your life and end up with everything you've always wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
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