Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I felt crappy about the affair, and sometimes me, yes. I loved my AP, and would never ask him to leave his life. Even when I was single, I would never dream of asking him to leave. I love him, and wanted him. I was content. It works for my life style. I don't want any strings. For me I feel like I was not settlling. To sum it up, I felt crappy about the affair, loved my AP, and content on having him in my life with no strings. I did that for 5 years. 2 years I was single. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I felt crappy about the affair, and sometimes me, yes. I loved my AP, and would never ask him to leave his life. Even when I was single, I would never dream of asking him to leave. I love him, and wanted him. I was content. It works for my life style. I don't want any strings. For me I feel like I was not settlling. To sum it up, I felt crappy about the affair, loved my AP, and content on having him in my life with no strings. I did that for 5 years. 2 years I was single. Imagine now, he is your husband. And he is doing this behind your back. And you get a chance to talk to the OW - She says to YOU what you said above.. Wouldn't you think 'what a selfish person she is! wow, she KNOWS he's married yet helped herself to MY husband. yeah he's a shi.thead for doing this to me, but she should have backed off knowing he was married.' i'm sure you would not be 'happy' with an OW lusting and chasing after your husband, hanging onto him for 'friendship'. it would piss you off too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 At one point we had nc for a year, and 6 months ago I started nc to try to do the right thing. After 3 months I broke it. The nc for a year was when something bad happened. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Each person has a specified amount of time and energy to focus on each day. ANY amount of time and energy spent focused on YOU - takes time away from his family, his wife, his marriage. He knows this. He juggles, he gets distracted, he's not focused SOLEY on the woman he married- his wife. She gets short changed because he's paying attention to you when he COULD be using that time and energy for HER. There's no way someone can feel good about what they are doing when it's always half a$$ed and half of their best. You want half a man? I wouldn't think so - yet THAT'S what he's offered to both of you women - there's nothing right about any of it! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 At one point we had nc for a year, and 6 months ago I started nc to try to do the right thing. After 3 months I broke it. The nc for a year was when something bad happened. So, is it still wrong? Do you want to do the right thing? What happened that was bad, if you don't mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 At one point we had nc for a year, and 6 months ago I started nc to try to do the right thing. After 3 months I broke it. The nc for a year was when something bad happened. And that is only HIS concern. You don't have a place in his private life - that role is for his wife... Yet you keep thinking you need to play that role - which is backwards. You are not a friend of their M because you aren't there to better their M and support the best interest of THEIR union. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 So, is it still wrong? Do you want to do the right thing? What happened that was bad, if you don't mind me asking? I think he got sick... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think he got sick... So, you mean that because of NC he got sick? I'm not sure what that means and if that is why NC was broken and why you want him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I love him now, loved him then. That will never change. You can't help who you fall in love with. I want him in my life. If we no longer have contact, I have no regrets on the time we spent together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 In the last year he's become disabled from a serious illness. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I love him now, loved him then. That will never change. You can't help who you fall in love with. I want him in my life. If we no longer have contact, I have no regrets on the time we spent together. Quoting cliches isn't helping your healing. Please try being a bit realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I love him now, loved him then. That will never change. You can't help who you fall in love with. I want him in my life. If we no longer have contact, I have no regrets on the time we spent together. You can however make efforts to stay away from him. You are feeding your feelings for him by having him in your life. you never answered my question about if he were your H and behind your back he was doing to you what he is doing now to his wife.. My guess is you don't want to answer that as it'll open to your eyes to reality. I want, I want, I need .. This isn't just about you. He has a wife (i assume they have kids) that comes first and having you in his life isn't good for him or his marriage. Deep down you know this but aren't willing to do the proper thing. Also, having him in your life prevents you from ever meeting another man, getting close to him, falling for him in every way..Because you "love" your MM. You lose out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I rather not talk about it, it's still disturbing to me, but I forgave him. It took a long time. I never stopped loving him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 In the last year he's become disabled from a serious illness. And who does he rely on to take him to appointments? To help him bathe? To look after him, do the housework, cook, etc..? If his wife knew what he was doing behind her back, after EVERYTHING she's done and still doing for him, she'd kick his ass out the door and rightfully so. He is taking advantage of her, that's not nice at all. hense, character flaw. I hope you see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 They have no kids. He does from a previous marriage. I doubt we will ever speak again. I have to accept that. I'll never stop loving him. I've dated, just never met anyone I liked in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 They have no kids. He does from a previous marriage. I doubt we will ever speak again. I have to accept that. I'll never stop loving him. I've dated, just never met anyone I liked in that way. Because its a secret. Because its forbidden. Because its unhealthy. I wish you'd answer some of the questions I've asked... I asked to help you grow in your perspective and honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I just needed help with dealing with uncontrollable emotions. breaking out crying while driving, songs on the radio, I had a breakdown at a clients house. All the rest is moot points. I'm dealing with it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I just needed help with dealing with uncontrollable emotions. breaking out crying while driving, songs on the radio, I had a breakdown at a clients house. All the rest is moot points. I'm dealing with it. When you stop handing him all YOUR power - you will feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 What is it you want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 We are not speaking, so no one has power. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 First you need to give up hope that he will eventually be in your life again. You need to try to grieve the loss, truly grieve him so you can heal. Seeking therapy to help you cope with this is a good idea. People need counselling at times during their life when they can't handle it on their own. Can be a death in the family, an accident which causes PTSD, depression, anxiety..so many go through bad times in life and need some help. Going at it alone just makes it harder and longer to get through it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 We are not speaking, so no one has power. You have ALLOWEd him to own all your power... Even when not speaking. Anyone who occupies that much space in your thoughts - you've handed them power that's out of balance. Time to take your power back by getting so busy you don't give him ANY thought. You'll sleep better too if you're really tired! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 We are not speaking, so no one has power. You're wrong here, as 2sunny points out. Letting him occupy your mind to the extent that you behave in the way you're behaving, is relinquishing self-control to unintangible outside influence. this is exactly what bereavement feels like. Maybe what you need to do is to take a break form what you're doing, if you can, and stupid as it sounds, actually formulate a small grieving ceremony for yourself. I'm serious. Write all your current thoughts, feeling and emotions on paper, everything you're going through, and everything that is happening to you right now. forget spelling, grammar, tabulation composition, or how garbled, chronological logical sensible rational it is or isn't. just VENT. and cry, scram and wail all you want, while you do it. Then take this great, cathartic piece of writing, and perform a cremation ceremony on it and tell yourself, with conviction, that you are letting go. And let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I need time is all. Link to post Share on other sites
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