My Boyfriend's Family

[RiverRunning]

My boyfriend and I are living together. I have always felt a distance between me and his family - they are polite and cordial to my face, but the tones in their voices and their body language convey to me that, over time, they've felt less and less warm to me. Or maybe it's just that, with time, I've realized that their displays of 'warmth' were not so genuine.

 

It's a very small, insular family. My boyfriend and his sister. He has two uncles, neither of whom have children, one of whom is married. Then it's boyfriend's parents. Then his mother's parents (they've all been no-contact with boyfriend's dad's side for years).

 

The one uncle's wife married into the family nearly 20 years ago. Other than that, my boyfriend's brother-in-law married in about 4 years ago. I am the first 'outsider' into the family in almost 5 years. So...there's very much an "Us vs. Them" sort of mentality.

 

My own family is much bigger and it's not uncommon that there are several other couples living together outside of marriage, living together in homosexual relationships or other 'unconventional pairings,' etc. Couples tend to be treated seriously right away and a sincere effort is made to get to know the 'outside' partner. After they start living together in my family, or once they're engaged, people are more or less regarded as family.

 

Back when we first started living together, his grandparents especially made a few comments that got under my skin. They went out of their way at least two or three times to express how much they disapproved.

 

Despite having a backbone in every other arena, my boyfriend really lacks it with his own family. Not that they've ever said anything THAT awful to my face, but the tension is there and often the meaning is clear, imo.

 

And his sister is passive-aggressive to the MOON. She has made many critical under-the-radar remarks about my housekeeping and my cooking abilities. She has a "woe is me" attitude. When we first moved in together ages ago, I decided to let him handle telling his OWN family as I expected a big blow-up (they're all conservative Christians...and they're all stubborn and pushy. You can imagine).

 

Two days after my move-in, his sister was confronting me with phone calls and Facebook messages, demanding to know why we didn't tell her directly, and why she had to hear it from her mother/grandmother. Two days later and getting confronted? My stuff was barely moved in. I've noticed that if there's any other event going on in our lives, and if it's going to be held at a time she deems inconvenient for her (she usually deems it inconvenient for things like "I don't feel like going then."), she will post passive-aggressive things on-line or say passive-aggressive things to me.

 

There was one event we held, for example, and she decided to post - in public - a pitiful message about coming if they 'were even to be invited to the event' because she was unhappy about the timing of the event. It was a BIG event for families. I have never excluded his family from events, I have always been polite, cordial, etc. I have gone out of my way to pick them up when their cars need repairing, I have sent money and gifts for random holidays/birthdays/people having surgery/being in a financial bind, etc.

 

 

My boyfriend's started to detect that I'm feeling cool toward his family, and he's made comments like, "You can tell me your feelings about them." That's a trap waiting to happen. When I do talk about some of the things his family members have said to me over the years or the way they have treated me, I will often get comments like, "I think you just make some of this stuff up/I think some of that stuff is in your head."

 

Yes. Seriously. He'll usually say that in response to my comments along the lines of, "I get the feeling that your family doesn't like me/they hate me." I think he's got his head up his arse if, after all of the incidents of things they've done, he DOESN'T believe my impressions. What else could the evidence conclude me to believe?

 

I told him I was very uncomfortable because after visiting his grandparents recently, the grandparents started tearing into my boyfriend's brother-in-law for his choice of job. He has a good job - they just aren't happy because he has to leave for work sometimes and leave the little Princess by herself. She knew what she was getting into when she married him. Why is it suddenly his fault?

 

I told my boyfriend how uncomfortable that made me - am I the one getting bashed for ludicrous things when I'm not around? - and he told me that he agreed with my perspective. I tried to defend his brother-in-law to them. I could see their perspective, but I wasn't going to let them sit and complain for an hour about a guy who has been VERY good to their daughter/granddaughter (not many men who would let their wives lie back for four or five years without a job...and no children). Not to mention my boyfriend's sister constantly raves about her husband.

 

And then there's the fact that his sister and brother-in-law plan to stay with us for two nights in August because of a baby shower. I can't stand his sister. I do my best to be polite to her but she's rude, immature and catty. I don't know what her problem is.

 

And no matter what my boyfriend says about 'hearing me out' if I've got a problem with his family, I find more and more that's simply not true. He'll listen to me and believe me when I mention specific things they've said/done to me over the years, but disagrees with my assessment that all of these things add up to them disliking me. That's 'making things up' apparently.

 

I don't even know if I'm just overreacting. Some of this stuff has come up recently and it's on my mind. We don't see his family often...maybe a few times a month, total. But those visits are so stressful because of everything that's happened over the years. There are bigger events happening in the family over the next year, so unfortunately visits have to be much more common.

[wow04]

I was in the same situation with my ex husband's family. We were married 6 years and they never accepted me. Sorry to tell you, but it won't change. The old saying is true if you marry him you marry his family. I hate to tell you, but it only got worse as the marriage went on.

[Silly_Girl]

I've been in a similar boat and seen it several times in other couples. I suspect your bf is fully aware of what you're up against. However he can't explain it or justify it to you (obviously) and he feels powerless to change things or as though to tackle it with his family would seem petty or make things worse.

 

So he's burying his head in the sand and hoping it will go away. Which it won't and it will get worse.

 

Do you want him to sit his family down and address this head-on? How do you imagine that would pan out, if he did?

[RiverRunning]

I'll use the "If we're even invited" example his sister posted. I saved it and read it to him word-for-word. I explained to him that it made ME look like - to everyone we know, as others we know could see it - that I was purposely trying to be mean to her. It made her look like a pitiful little victim. I didn't respond to it because I didn't feel like a.) getting into it or b.) giving her the opportunity to gaslight and claim that "she was just joking."

 

I can let some of her comments pass as 'just joking,' but that one was so blatant to me it was crystal clear.

 

He always tries to give members of his family the benefit of the doubt. I understand, given that his family's so small - about 6 people he interacts with regularly - that the idea that I detest/loathe 2 or 3 of them has to be difficult. It probably does seem like I'm 'ganging up on them' when they do stuff like this and I bring it up with him.

 

He explained away his sister's behavior as, "She's kind of dense and doesn't realize how what she says could be taken," or he'll go along with, "She was just being playful or joking." He used the latter excuse with her 'if we're even invited' line, but by his intonation even I could tell he didn't fully believe it. He told me he was just 'playing devil's advocate.'

 

His sister is good at operating under-the-radar. She'll make most of her passive-aggressive or invasive remarks in private messages on-line, through e-mails, or to my face when she and I are separated from the rest of the group. So when I tell him later on, it's always, "Maybe you just misunderstood her/maybe she was being playful/maybe you just didn't pick up on her tone." I know he doesn't know his sister that well.

 

And I've tried to sit and figure out why she could be so sour toward me. I noticed it around the time we had been together for about a year. We went to visit her, I helped pay for groceries/always offered to help with housework and cooking dinner, etc. I didn't just kick back, demand that she entertain me and refuse to help out or pay for anything. When they come to visit (she lives far away, thankfully), I try my best, as far as I'm financially able, to buy things for them. I try to keep the fridge stocked with foods they'd like to eat.

 

I have noticed that many of her friends are also passive-aggressive with her. This is most amusing to me, as she'll wind up complaining about these friends. I've tried to figure out if she's just so completely ignorant that she doesn't realize that's also how she talks to me? She can clearly recognize the same behavior patterns in other people, but doesn't seem aware of what she's doing.

 

I'm keeping my eye out with my boyfriend. I'm not happy that he's towing the line. If something happens again, I'm going to save it again and explain to him, along with everything else his sister/his mother has done to me over the years, and tell him that he needs to address their behavior with them.

 

I don't mean for him to be a jerk, but I know that trying to resolve it myself with his family wouldn't go over well. It's better to come out of his mouth. I'm hoping he can tell them something like, "If you have a problem with [RiverRunning], she would talk it over with you. I don't know if you're aware, but some of the things you've said, like (x, y, and z) come off as aggressive, insensitive and invasive."

 

His sister has asked me invasive questions over the years - like wanting to know if I'm a virgin, if her BROTHER and I have ever done it...yes. I kid you not. I wouldn't dream of having such a discussion unless a very close friend broached it first.

 

My boyfriend and I have talked and we do think it's possible that she might just be...socially retarded. Maybe she just doesn't know how to bottle up her true feelings like most of us can in various social interactions, and she just lets it all spill out.

 

I don't really know. She's never been diagnosed with anything indicative of autism, asperger's, or anything else that could affect her social abilities. She's had jobs, but I've noticed that at MOST of her jobs, she's had tense relationships with her employers.

 

The odd thing is that despite her personality, she has many friends. It does seem to be largely shallow, though. The sort of thing where she's saying to their faces, "Oh honey, I've missed you so much, how are you!" and in the next breath, slyly whispering over her shoulder, "I can't stand that woman." She's done this to me in regards to a few of her other friends while visiting.

 

I am getting tense and nervous because she's having a baby soon, which likely means they'll be visiting more and we'll be visiting more. I'm eager to get to know my boyfriend's future niece/nephew, but not eager at all to interact with the mother in question. Maybe I'm just overreacting and we won't be interacting with them as much as I think we probably will. I guess I could stomach it a bit at a time.

 

I'm also just looking for general coping mechanisms. When she has said something passive-aggressive to my face in the past...usually I quickly find an excuse to walk away and go do something else. But I also feel that's not taking care of the problem.

 

I'm not happy with my boyfriend's excuses for his sister. I'm also not happy that when I say that I feel she hates me, I'm just 'making it up' or 'exaggerating' or any other number of things. It's been a little while (maybe a few weeks) since she's really gotten any barbs in, but now I feel like it's an anxiety-inducing waiting game. I feel like I have to be mentally prepared for the next time she says something to me.

 

I am really evaluating the family now and trying to decide if this is what I'm ready to take on. If we dealt with them more often, I'd probably run the other way. They're all pushy, headstrong and uncompromising. But at the moment it's on the cusp of being both tolerable and being unbearable.

 

I do know that if his sister ever moved close by, I'd have to pull out the big guns to keep myself sequestered from her. His family has already meddled a bit in our relationship. His sister and mother have arranged a meeting with my boyfriend to discuss OUR relationship.

 

I submit poetry and the like to local magazines, etc., and they saw some of my work. They concluded that I was about to dump him and decided to call him over for a meeting...and it was then that he learned what they were doing. He told me that he told them to mind their own business, so that at the least was promising news that he's willing to stand up to them when what they're doing is very obvious.

 

I'm torn. Maybe I'm letting it bother me more than I should considering we don't see them that often. Or maybe I'm seeing warning signs that are only going to get worse if our relationship continues. I worry about the future if/when we have a child and his family is suddenly hovering all over us, wanting to see our kid often.

 

The meeting happened once and it's the worst thing they've probably ever done to me. We've been together, with a slight break, for about 4, 4 1/2 years. If this had happened after we'd been dating for only 6 months, I'd be gone.

 

What do you guys think (sorry this is long-winded...it's upsetting) - do I just grin and bear it from here on out given the distance/how often we see them? Should I try pushing him a little more to speak up about their behavior toward me?

 

They claim to like/love me to my face and to his face. Every then and again they'll send me nice messages. But as his sister has shown, that can often be disingenuous.

[RiverRunning]

 

Do you want him to sit his family down and address this head-on? How do you imagine that would pan out, if he did?

 

Whoops, forgot to address this part. Well, I mentioned part of it in my sea of a post.

 

To be honest...I guess I've been thinking too highly of people and expecting that they would be reasonable and rational. There's a reason they're so passive-aggressive in the first place: they don't know how to communicate and actually solve problems. They just resort to childish behind-the-back and under-the-radar stabs and insults.

 

His sister, to her credit - at least I can give credit where credit is due - has contacted me directly to ask me about things before. But it's usually when she's upset and it's over trivial garbage (i.e., "I found out you moved in with my brother a day or two after everyone else!").

 

She'll bring it up with me, but I've noticed she won't bring things like that up with her brother (even if the news pertains to both of us, like moving in together).

 

But I do suspect that if he brought it up with them, the whispers in the family would go to, "I bet SHE put him up to this," and the hatred of me would likely only intensify. Maybe their barbs would get worse. Maybe they'd hate me in silence and be polite to me to my face (which is ideal, but I don't see that happening).

 

It would possibly also drive a bigger wedge between him and his family, which is not what I would want to do.

 

Thanks for posing this question...as to be honest, I don't really see how I could reason with them. I'm always going to be the outsider and I'd best watch my back with them.

 

I think I'll keep my distance - go with him to family events every now and then, find a way to skip out on some of them - and keep discussions to safe, shallow topics. Grit and bear it when they're staying with us for a few days and hide EVERYTHING that could be incriminating, even if it's in our bedroom (like condoms. Don't need to give her anymore ammunition than she already has).

 

If they're staying with us, there's a possibility they may SOMETIMES be in our apartment alone - I have to go out and do stuff - and I don't want to give her the opportunity to go sniffing around. Not that she's ever, to my knowledge, gone through our stuff when she's been here before, but the fact that she's asked me invasive/personal things and that she seems so interested in our lives indicates to me that she probably would go digging if left unattended.

 

I guess I can deal with this. We'll see how it plays out. Thanks, guys.

[Balzac]

"If this had happened after we'd been dating for only 6 months, I'd be gone. "

 

You are into this drama in a major way and that is precisely why you have not extricated yourself. Being mature and emotionally healthy, rising above family dynamics you cannot control, healthy boundaries, absent.

 

I'm not sure what your question is to us? Sorry for your misery though.

[Silly_Girl]

 

But I do suspect that if he brought it up with them, the whispers in the family would go to, "I bet SHE put him up to this," and the hatred of me would likely only intensify. Maybe their barbs would get worse. Maybe they'd hate me in silence and be polite to me to my face (which is ideal, but I don't see that happening).

 

It would possibly also drive a bigger wedge between him and his family, which is not what I would want to do.

 

Thanks for posing this question...as to be honest, I don't really see how I could reason with them. I'm always going to be the outsider and I'd best watch my back with them.

 

I think I'll keep my distance - go with him to family events every now and then, find a way to skip out on some of them - and keep discussions to safe, shallow topics. Grit and bear it when they're staying with us for a few days and hide EVERYTHING that could be incriminating, even if it's in our bedroom (like condoms. Don't need to give her anymore ammunition than she already has).

 

You're thinking along the same lines as me. It's not fair but it feels like it's a 'pick your battles' scenario.

 

I think it would be good for your bf to give thought as to how far this could go... What the consequences (for him) could be. It's pretty serious. And I don't know if one day you may consider children but that would exacerbate things massively. It would be good for your guy to fully understand the big picture - not to influence his behaviour but so his actions (lack of?) are deliberate and intended. It would be tragic for him to turn round one day when it's too late and say he 'didn't realise'.

 

Best of luck!

[Atlantico]

RiverRunning:

 

Yes: passive-aggressive behaviour is the correct framework of your predicament. Bad news is passive-agressive people strive on that behavior , and they have probably, grown up being passive-agressive abused, so that´s in the code they have engraved in their mindset. Sorry to say there is not much you can do about it.

 

If I were you I would assume you can´t change your bf family ways, but you can do something about your bf, and I would concentrate on him. He is in denial, and you have to wake him up.

 

Looks like you have good communication skills, good thing. Your report is crystal clear and could be used in a psychology class.

 

Passive-aggressive + controlling behaviour could be a deal breaker, and you have told you would have pulled out if it was in the first 6 months

Edited July 19, 2012 by Atlantico