jamst149 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 It has now been 2 months since my girlfriend of 4 years told me she had cheated on me for about 2 months. At first the images of her cheating on me flooded my head and tortured me. Then after about 2 weeks those thoughts began to subside. Well in the last few days they have come back with a vengance. I can't stop recreating the scene in my head of her having sex with the other guy. To be explicit I imagine her performing oral sex, having sex in various positions and generally just random sexual acts. These thoughts just flood my imagination out of no where. And once they start my emotions go crazy. I get angry as well as depressed. I wonder to myself how she could be so disregarding of me and my emotions. How in the world was she able to not only go through with it but even more so how could she have enjoyed it? And on and on the thoughts of how could she and the images of the sex itself go through my head. Anyone have any advice on dealing with these thoughts and emotions? Link to post Share on other sites
LatsyrcSC Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I'm sorry can't help you there buddy as I've never been in your shoes. You're brave to continue to stay with someone who's betrayed your trust. Are you a little insecure, like she may do it again. Or are you sure that she's going to be faithful this time. It could be trust issues causing you to replay those thoughts in your head over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamst149 Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 (edited) No I don't think she will do it again. Many factors lead to her doing it that we both contributed to. And both of us are working on those things. She was molested as a child/teenager and has had issues with men for a long time. She has always enjoyed attention from the opposite sex. She is now in the process of seeing someone to work on those issues for the first time in her life. She has broken all contact with the guy she cheated on me with. I am confident of that. Edited March 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Sorry man, but I have been in your shoes and in my opinion this relationship is doomed. Once that trust is broken things can never be the same. Whatever excuse she gave for why she cheated or the fact that you abused alcohol is not good enough. Odds are favorable that she could do this again if you guys start having problems. That original bond between you two was broken after she banged another dude and it can never be replaced. I have been cheated on and have cheated. In all cases we tried to get back together but it never worked. Link to post Share on other sites
donna351 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I don't know it's hard to say. I been in a situation like that before. I took him back but only to find out he kept on. I too had those images of him having sex with another women, thought something was wrong with me. He broke the trust and couldn't trust him anymore. But your situation is different that mine was. But you still have doubt or you wouldn't have asked for advice to begin with. Try counseling it may help heal your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
fateX2 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 im in the same situation..er kind of.. about 6mo ago my boyfriend of 5 years went to a strip club (i know it shouldnt bother me so much but it does!!) but almost every day after i found out id imagine him in the setting at what he was doing ect. so..finally i forgot about it but recentlly the images are starting to come to mind again! i think its b/c the other night there was a whole show on about dirty things that go on in the champagne room ... so i started to freak out about it again, i even imagine certain looks on his face or him staring at these women ect. it hurts and it can cause fights and tension and your partner doesnt know where its comming from... but now to get to my advice.. on the upside of my situation 2 nights ago i sat down and talked to my boyfriend and let him know thqat this is realllllllly bothering me..he said i had nothing to worry about that he loves me and he was sorry, today he came home on his lunch break just to spend time with me and our son..i hope this continues and think he knows he messed up..tell her what your doing you risk looking like an obsessive jealous mess but maybe it'll turn out i took the risk and of she really cares she'll see your side of things and thank God the shoe isnt on the other foot and do all she can to make it up to you salvage your realationship and most of all work toward restoring trust <3 i wish you the best* i hope everything works out.. hugs!! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 fatex2, your problem is just foolish insecurity. a guy enjoying himself at a strip club looking at a naked girl dance is nothing compared to someone having full blown sex with someone other than their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. come on now. Link to post Share on other sites
fateX2 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 i know its not that big of a deal to some people but it is to me! ... also you'd be surprised what can go down in sleazy places.. Link to post Share on other sites
stewwy Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 trust is the core of every relationship. infidelity is the biggest betrayal of such trust. Once someone cheats and gets away with it, they will do it again. also, her telling you she cheated was yet another hideous selfish move on her part. she told you only to purge her own guilt, not to help you or the relationship. I wish you luck in this. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Hi Jam, I am right there with ya, and at about the two month mark as well. I am also hounded by recurring images that send me into unbelievable turmoil. I am assuming that the affair is over and that she has no further contact with this man. I don't think you necessarily need to terminate your relationship, if she has been honest and remorseful, you may be able to get through this. You and the girlfriend have to agree to an open-book policy for an unspecified period of time, she has access to everything you do, and you get access to everything she does- no more secrets. In my case, when the images come, I try to realize for myself that I am just reliving and refreshing my anger because I truthfully do not want to let it go. It is more self-indulgent than anything. You and I hurt.... very badly. The infidelity of our spouse has become the focal point of our lives. We still have unresolved questions, etc., and so when we start to be able to concentrate on other things or good things, we sabotage those efforts by rehashing the pain. What I have found is that even though I still do it, it is not helping anything. All my obsessing (and yours) cannot change what has happened, nor the truth. Your g/f and my wife enjoyed what they did to us while they were doing it. This is one fact that truly cuts. To be fair, from my wife's account of her actions, it was a fantasy world of which I was not a part nor a consideration. It was about esteem and knowing that she was still attractive. She never thought I would find out nor be hurt. Very weak and poor thought process, but we all have had times where we did dumb things on weak justification because we really wanted to. One other thing that is probaly killing you is that this other man had the gall to nail something that you had claimed as your own. You probably are at least acquainted with him, and it makes you crazy that he is still out there somewhere, and you imagine he is having a good laugh at your expense. You can probably vivdly see him at the local bar shooting pool with the guys giggling and nudging each other.... it sucks because not only did she do something so calculated and uncaring and heartless, but that SOB had the benefit while you are left an emotional wreck. He would like nothing better than to see you lose her, even if he cannot have her. Okay, so my advice: 1.) make peace as best you can with what has already happened, it cannot be changed. Be sure your girlfriend knows how much she has hurt you; communicate your feelings to the best of your ability. Forget revenge or restitution because she can never take back what she did, nor relieve your feelings of betrayal. 2.) Decide what you will do from here. If you will continue your relationship, then learn how better to relate to her and protect yourself from a recurence. This decision is crucial, once you make it, you will have to stick to it tenaciously; through the times of doubt and anger and all. Only keep her if you are sure you can live with what she did, and you are confident that you can get past it someday. If you decide it is over, escort her to the curb and walk away. Do not ever look back. Most of the major problems I have read about are from people who waiver on their desire and decision. 3.) Forget the other man. Easier said than done I know. The fact is, he owed you no loyalty or consideration other than common decency. What they did together was no accident, and he did not force himself upon her. Her consent is the one that needs to be addressed. She was probably after something she felt she was not recieveing from you, and settled for a pale comparison. Once you truly lose your damaged pride with regard to him and his buddies, you can focus on doing what you need to do to improve your relatioship with your girl. Jam, we are both in the same boat here, and I feel your pain. Keep your chin up, you did nothing wrong, and none of the blame is on your shoulders. I wish there was an easy fix, but there isn't. It's a long tough road and I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamst149 Posted July 13, 2004 Author Share Posted July 13, 2004 DazednConfused first off great handle. secondly let me apologise for not being able to use caps right now. my keyboard got wet tonight and i have to write in lower case letters until i get a new one i guess. so many things you said ring so true. In my case, when the images come, I try to realize for myself that I am just reliving and refreshing my anger because I truthfully do not want to let it go. It is more self-indulgent than anything. You and I hurt.... very badly. The infidelity of our spouse has become the focal point of our lives. We still have unresolved questions, etc., and so when we start to be able to concentrate on other things or good things, we sabotage those efforts by rehashing the pain. What I have found is that even though I still do it, it is not helping anything. All my obsessing (and yours) cannot change what has happened, nor the truth. Your g/f and my wife enjoyed what they did to us while they were doing it. This is one fact that truly cuts. yup, i know i am holding onto my anger when i think about these things. it allows me to justify my anger. the fact that she enjoyed it does cut really deeply to by the way. one of the most painful aspects in my opinion. and i know it does no good. sometimes its just hard to let go of that anger though. like i said so many things you said rang true with me. i'm just still wrought with so many hows and whys etc etc. its just hard to think someone you love so much can go and completely disregard your feelings, emotions etc etc. good luck with your situation too man. do you mind me asking where you got your perspectives on the situation. it sounds like you have gotten some good help and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Hi Jam, The perspectives I have come from many sources. Some from this board and related threads under other topics, some from other posters in my own thread, I have ordered a couple of books on the subject that have helped immensely. "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder has been the most helpful in dealing with the anger, it was recommended to me here on this site under my own thread. I have also read voraciously through internet infidelity searches. As much as the outside sources have helped; at least as much has come from my own soul-searching and the willingness of my wife to accept and bear the responsibilty of her actions. She answers every question tothe best of her ability which is helpful. While I have found little to teach me the discipline to control my thoughts, I think the power to control your obsessing has to come from within. I still very often slide, especially when some little thing comes up to remind me of the whole ugly scene. I can very much relate to your confusion of how they can claim to love and then do something so cold, heartless, and hurtful. Mostly I think this comes down to character and perception. Jam, you sound like a stand up guy, and so you assumed that your g/f was the same. She may have even given you ample reason to think so. It was the same for me. We assumed a morality and strength of character that our spouses either do not posess, or temporarily set aside in the face of temptation. In my wife's case I prefer to think it was teporarily set aside, and that she does in fact have the strength i always believed in. Jam, the whole thing sucks. Period. If we had the power to go back in time, I am sure everyone has things we would change. Unfortunately, all we have any control over is the present and the future. Bottom line for me; I have loved loving my wife. I truly believe she is the other half of my soul, and cannot imagine finding again what i have experienced with her over seventeen years. And so, I will go on and try to put this behind us. I am aware that it will never be the same, but maybe that is a good thing. There was something wrong with where we were, and I think it needs to be right. Feel free to send me a private message if there is anything i may do to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Johniecgood Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Dazed, Your insight is very true to thought; my only problem is that the affair that my wife had while I was called up to active duty with the army last year, was well, last year...here I am a year later still bitter, angry, and visions of the a'hole banging my wife and yes as you put it "laughing with his buddies at my expense"...While retribution and revenge on the guy may not be the answer, I still desire in the back of the devious area of my mind want to find another way for this guy to feel some pain, ready willing and able in the act with my wife or not...but probably as you stated, this will not help anything in the long run...I did have a long conversation with the guy initially where we both spoke as civilized as possible and this is what really gave me the most insight and satisfaction; I was able to piece together more of the holes to the sordid affair story than my wife had let on like the fact that she did not wear her ring and constantly spoke of getting a divorce...I demanded that he never make contact with my wife, get rid of any keepsakes, and threatened legal action if he ever posted pictures or video (if they existed) on the net...he amicably agreed and I have not heard of anything since. The one part about her ending the affair that seems to bother me most was that in her last e-mail/text message to her, she apologized to him and went on to say that "she was sorry that she had caused him any pain"...this one has been the real split on my heart that has remained a horrible fissure of anger, pain, and source of overall depression bouts I still seem to encounter to this day...yes I have spoken to her about everything that I am feeling but I never seem satisfied with her responses and try to continually deal because we have two beautiful children (6 & 2) whom I have raised predominantly since their respective births; I know that is the wrong reason to hang on to something so seemingly hopeless but something in my heart tells me like you have said that we are soulmates and this is just a arduous challenge... Thanks again for your advice, if you are still out there since this post...I appreciate your thoughts and positive perception. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Dazed and Jam, Jam, I am in the same boat you are. It happened 2 months ago for me as well. The thoughts are killing me. I am trying to work passed all of it, but my wife "came clean" the other day and told me that she was still in love with the OM. Now we are talking divorce. We had a lot of problems in our marriage. Alot of it is my burden to bear. We have alot of pain in the 11 years we have been together and that is why the prospect of divorce is here. She thinks everything will go back to the way it was. But I just have this very strong feeling that we can start new. Ladyjane says reconciliation is a new contract entered in by both "willing" parties. Right now I don't think my wife is very willing being as she is still in love and contact with OM. She says the physical part of the affair is over and I believe her. My wife and I have a lot of history together. We have known each other for almost 13 years and been together for 11 of them and married for the last 7. We have a 4yo boy together. The biggest obsticle I face is, every body she knows says to leave me and get a divorce. We don't have a support network of friends to help us and offer advice. So I am stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 8th July 2004, 8:00 PM Not sure about Jam, but I know DazednConfused isn't here anymore. This thread is old eh. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Damn, I didn't even read that. I went to the new threads and POOF, there was one I could relate too. Please delete my post. Link to post Share on other sites
gardiop Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 Hey man, I know how you feel. My ex-girlfriend cheeted on me 3 times and I had the same thoughts and feelings you have. I kept getting images of her with him and I would stay up all night completly enraged and consumed. I couldn't stand thinking of her with him, but I always seemed to be thinking of it. I forgave her and decided to put it behind us. Then it happened again. After the 3rd time I decided that I couldn't take the emotional stress and I left her. She always assumed that I would be there for her and that I would always forgive her. I have to admit, after the first time, I thought we could work our way through it. I wish I would have left her after the first time she cheeted. It was the hardest thing for me to break up with her, but I am so glad that I did. There are better women out there. I am now with a new girlfriend, whom I completly trust and am glad that I did not spend any more time and effort on the cheeter. If you do decide to stay with her, you will have years of trust and respect to rebuild if you even get that far. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 Yeah, I am very aware of the hard work ahead of us. I am, and always have been, ready to put forth 150% effort in fixing us. I love my wife alot. Not out of comfort or anything else. I love her for what she is, a great mother, a good companion, except for when what happen. But I just did not treat her the way she needed to be treated. I know that is no excuse for what happen, but the blame cannot souley be put on her shoulders. She has to realize, even though I tell her, that we are both to blame for our failed marriage. I wish she could come to realize that is how I feel and hopefully move on from this. I hope against hope that she could feel half as strongly as I do to work this out, it would be so less stressful. I care for her and always will. We have alot of hurt in our past and that is what is keeping us from jumping in with both feet to make us work. I know we can have the marriage we always dreamt of. Link to post Share on other sites
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