Dating, no talk of exclusivity, what are the rules then?

[dextm]

I recently met this person and I really like her. We've gone out a couple times already and we're starting to get intimate like holding hands and playfully touching each other. However we're nowhere close to sex and I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon (her average time is 2-3 months). I'm fine with this and I'm willing to wait because I really like her. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready. I'm also fine with this and said I wanted the same.

 

Here is my question. What if some chick comes along and I want to bang her? What if that hot chick was my ex who will happen to be in town for a couple weeks in the near future? We're over each other (no chance of getting back together) but we still want each other physically, casually cause we know it'll be good.

 

Is it possible to go thru with this, make everyone happy and leave no one hurt? I get some physical enjoyment, ex gets some physical enjoyment, date gets me emotionally 24/7 and physically 24/7 when she's ready.

 

I've never cheated in the past and will never be a cheater and this is in no way a scheme to get my date to have sex with me. I just want some action because I've been sex-deprived and the opportunity's sitting there waiting for me to grab it.

 

If I go thru with my desires, should I bother telling my date? I know I will feel a small sense of guilt but my desire for physical pleasure will definitely overpower that guilt. And I can imagine her being upset, but we never promised exclusivity. We talked about it briefly but never committed to it or set any rules so for all I know she could be dating/banging others right now. Highly unlikely but a possibility.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

[oaks]

It sounds like you're free to do whatever you like. That doesn't mean your actions won't have consequences.

[curlygirl40]

I think you need to go with what feels right to you (and not just below the belt) and not worry so much about what might be the social norms of dating.

 

For example a lot of people might say 'you're not exclusive, you haven't had that exclusive talk, so you're free to do what you want', but how does that feel to you?

 

If it feels crummy, then it probably is.

 

If you like this girl enough to wait for her, physically and emotionally, then do you want to lose her for a roll in the hay with your X? Let's say she found out somehow, how would you explain this to her?

[veggirl]

That's fked up. If the new girl finds out, she will probably stop seeing you so I guess prepare for that. I would stop dating a guy if I found out he slept with his ex. For sure.

 

As far as sleeping with someone else in general...it's not as bad but eh I'm not a multi dater so I don't know if my opinion counts here. If she's not, she would probably stop seeing you if she found out you slept with anyone else.

[veggirl]

These multi daters just don't get it.

 

I just don't understand, if you really like someone and are allegedly "willing to wait"...why would you WANT to fk someone else? I have never been smitten with a guy and wanted to sleep with someone else! Like esp early on, it would NEVER cross my mind "ooh I like this guy so much he is amazing...oh I know what I'll do, I think I'll go sleep with a different guy!" :confused:

[It's Just Me]

I recently met this person and I really like her. We've gone out a couple times already and we're starting to get intimate like holding hands and playfully touching each other. However we're nowhere close to sex and I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon (her average time is 2-3 months). I'm fine with this and I'm willing to wait because I really like her. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready. I'm also fine with this and said I wanted the same.

 

Here is my question. What if some chick comes along and I want to bang her? What if that hot chick was my ex who will happen to be in town for a couple weeks in the near future? We're over each other (no chance of getting back together) but we still want each other physically, casually cause we know it'll be good.

 

Is it possible to go thru with this, make everyone happy and leave no one hurt? I get some physical enjoyment, ex gets some physical enjoyment, date gets me emotionally 24/7 and physically 24/7 when she's ready.

 

I've never cheated in the past and will never be a cheater and this is in no way a scheme to get my date to have sex with me. I just want some action because I've been sex-deprived and the opportunity's sitting there waiting for me to grab it.

 

If I go thru with my desires, should I bother telling my date? I know I will feel a small sense of guilt but my desire for physical pleasure will definitely overpower that guilt. And I can imagine her being upset, but we never promised exclusivity. We talked about it briefly but never committed to it or set any rules so for all I know she could be dating/banging others right now. Highly unlikely but a possibility.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

You are every normal woman's nightmare, and you should not be dating anyone until you are over your ex. Exes are exes for a reason. Clearly, this has not occurred here.

 

Sex-deprived? Oh, you poor thing.

[KungFuJoe]

You wanted a commitment but she doesn't. Nothing wrong with that. She's not ready. But nothing says you can't see other girls or have sex with your ex, or anyone for that matter. Until you guys agree to make that committment, anything goes. She can't expect you to be faithful without a committment from her and vice versa.

 

And it has nothing to do with whether or not she's sleeping around. It has to do with, right now, you are single and free to do whatever you want. If that means not sleeping or seeing anyone else because you are emotionally smitten on this girl...that's perfectly fine. But it also means if you want to see someone else or have sex...go for it!

[dextm]

Choice between...

 

a) sex with the ex on Fri night or

b) movies with the new woman on Fri night

 

I would choose b) 100000000%.

 

I'm giving new woman my 100%, the question is, is she? Time will tell.

 

In the meantime every guy has his needs and if Katie Upton falls on your lap by chance, you're gonna say no?!? Come on...

[yongyong]

Don't be a Beta and bang other girls As Many As You Can.

 

Of course, it's something you shouldn't tell her because that's your privacy

(how many women will tell their future husband how many guy's cum they swallowed)

 

It will make her to be more attracted to you too since you don't need sex and will act just chill when you are around with her. She will sense you are banging other girls and might put out to keep you.

 

Remember, when American girl knows you are currently banging some other bitcxes, their interest will dramatically go up.

Tell me if I am Wrong.

[miss_jaclynrae]

No exclusivity, you can date other people.

 

 

 

That being said, I personally would not take it as "screw whatever I want until you put out".

 

 

 

 

 

Either way, the ball is in your court.

[filani]

If OP still wants to f**** his ex GF then he is not really into this new woman. The so-called agreement of exclusivity is BS. A person does not need a contract to act in an honorable manner. If he is going to pursue this new girl then give it 100%. Pursuing this new girl while he is f****ing his ex GF and others is his right, but he would have to lie to his new romantic interest. Yeah, he would lie by omission.

 

Point taken

 

However has anybody even considered that the OP's new love interest is not exactly on the up and up?

Think about it for a minute . She says 'she doesn't see a LTR happening anytime soon' but in the next breath says 'she wants to take things slow ???'

 

Uhmm..... Mixed Messages much ?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Point taken

 

However has anybody even considered that the OP's new love interest is not exactly on the up and up?

Think about it for a minute . She says 'she doesn't see a LTR happening anytime soon' but in the next breath says 'she wants to take things slow ???'

 

Uhmm..... Mixed Messages much ?

 

Totally confusing.

Which is why I would continue dating other people.

[Drseussgrrl]

Pierre - and there are just as many people who will date multiple people until something promising shakes out.

 

Just because I go on ONE DATE with a dude doesn't make him boyfriend material.

 

OP can do what he wants until things are official.

[Drseussgrrl]

If she wanted to make sure he wasn't dating other women, she could have said so.

 

But she specifically said they were not in a committed relationship. And your assumption that people who date around until they DO find a committed relationship means they'll eventually cheat is ridiculous.

 

For all you know she could be holding out on the sex because she is sleeping with someone else, too. Until "the talk" has been had, everything is fair game.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You realize that there are men that are not interested in women that date multiple men simultaneously?

 

Of course.

 

 

 

I date simultaneously until one thing happens...

I feel connected enough with a man that I no longer WANT to date anyone other than him.

 

 

I make it clear that I date a lot, so if a man is NOT ok with that in the beginning, then I move on.

I usually don't go farther than 3 dates with a guy to begin with, but even then, there are times I do not feel like things have progressed enough by then to stop dating others. After becoming exclusive before and having them drop off the face of the earth or end things out of the blue, I just decided to not commit myself until either a talk happens and it becomes clear we are exclusive, or I myself feel like things are going exceptionally well and no one else interests me.

[carhill]

However we're nowhere close to sex and I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon (her average time is 2-3 months). I'm fine with this and I'm willing to wait because I really like her. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready.

 

She says.

 

Explore other options.

[Drseussgrrl]

Yep it is your opinion and it does NOT mean that she will cheat. Where are you getting this?

 

Sex doesn't always have to "mean" something. There is a HUGE difference between having sex to scratch an itch during a drought, and making love with someone you're in a committed relationship with.

 

If that's not your style, nothing wrong with that. But you don't need to keep demonizing people who go about dating and relationships differently than you do.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Your method is flawed because because as a multi dater you end up dating other multi daters. Unless you hide your multi dating from a single dater!

 

That is why you need the talk; multi daters are tricky and slippery. And sometimes the talk never happens because your guy is doing a few other women and does not want to give that up.

 

But you see, that is where I like my system.

I personally view it that if a man is interested enough he will STOP dating other people. I don't multidate for ****s and giggles, there is still the ultimate goal of finding someone.

I myself on my own will stop dating other people on my own if I feel like one guy is a match. A good way that I find out one guy is a match is when I date other people and at the end of the day that ONE is the man I find myself wanting to spend my time with. Once I hit that point I STOP dating other people, and after a few more dates with the ONE, I casually bring up if he is dating anyone else.

 

 

 

*shrug

I like my system and it works for me, and it really helps me make sure I am dating someone who I personally feel very connected to.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Multi daters could be potential cheaters.

 

Please analyze your own words in a post above. I will paste here in bold so you can analyze.

 

And your assumption that people who date around until they DO find a committed relationship means they'll eventually cheat is ridiculous.

 

For all you know she could be holding out on the sex because she is sleeping with someone else.

 

Can you explain your own words?

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

With my system, I want to add that YES, sometimes I sleep with men after a few dates. I do not discuss my sexual history in detail with my SO though, let alone someone I am only dating and that goes both ways.

I assume he is sleeping with others as well, and I have no problem with that. Which is why once I feel like I want to be exclusive, I make that clear, because at that point I have decided to cut other men out of the picture completely.

 

 

I think my system is perfect.

It makes it so I don't jump from one relationship to another. I am always SURE that I want things to work out long term with whoever I become exclusive with.

[Negative Nancy]

What if some chick comes along and I want to bang her? What if that hot chick was my ex who will happen to be in town for a couple weeks in the near future?

 

You shouldn't be "dating" () if you feel like this. You are not completely into her if you're even considering the thought of banging someone else.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I think the system has failed you because you weed out the non-multi daters.

 

Not at all.

One of the men I became exclusive with wasn't even close to a multi-dater. A few of them haven't been.

 

 

 

I just make sure to have the talk at the right time, when things are not TOO serious, but too casual. It is really simple actually, and I have found my dating experiences to be much more level headed.

[Drseussgrrl]

What is there to explain? If they aren't in an exclusive relationship, it's not cheating. It's no-strings-attached sex.

 

I couldn't become exclusive with someone until I've had sex with him and I know that it's good.

 

This happens around 3-4 dates.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I would hope you tell your single daters you are seeing with other guys.

 

Seriously, being a multi dater is by definition being someone that does not have much success and therefore needs a lot of numbers. It is basically like being a telemarketer where it is all about hitting 100 phone calls and hoping one will be successful.

 

You said: I just make sure to have the talk at the right time

 

This is all from your point of view. The right time for you.

 

I fully disagree, I date a lot as to learn of different traits that I admire, and ones I do not.

So when I DO find that someone, it is a emotional, and educated decision.

[InJest]

I don't even know why this is a question for you. You've only gone out with her a couple times and she has came straight out and said she doesn't see anything serious happening for a while, which means she's got plenty of time to drop you for any little reason. This girl is attention whoring. You are completely within your rights to bang your ex, and it will probably clear your head and help you refocus after 'giving yourself emotionally 24/7' without sex. My ex came home during the summer last year and we hooked up for a couple weeks, no strings attached. We're adults, we can handle it, and it was fun and refreshing to get break from the dumb birds I was messing with at the time.

 

Pierre, I don't think multidating makes a person more prone to cheating. I've dated a lot of women and have slept with 30+, many of them concurrently. I'm currently in a relationship, I've never cheated on a girlfriend.

 

My old roommate has been with his g/f for 7 years, and cheated on her with our neighbor. His g/f and the girl he cheated with are the only two people he's ever had sex with.

 

I slept with a girl for a few months that had a boyfriend. She had 3 multi-year relationships back to back, and is now married to the guy she cheat on with me.

 

Two of my other friends are both serial monogamists, and have been dating each other for 4 years, and both had just come out of long relationships right before dating each other, 2 year and 7 year relationships. They have both cheated on each other, and the girl cheated on the boyfriend before him too.

Edited July 19, 2012 by InJest

[veggirl]

OP are you looking for a LTR? You said that she isn't, so if you aren't either...why would you guys ever become exclusive? And if you are looking for one, again, why would you guys ever become exclusive when she doesn't want that?

 

I think sleeping with your ex when you are pursuing another girl is totally disgusting, but if all you and this girl will ever be is casual then I guess who cares? I don't know, based on her not wanting a LTR my opinion has changed a bit, I must've missed that in the first post.