Dating, no talk of exclusivity, what are the rules then?

[InJest]

What does lying by omission have to do with cheating? It may be deceitful, but if there's no established relationship it's certainly not cheating.

 

It's one thing to assume exclusivity, especially if the person is really laying it on, but if someone goes as far as to assume they are in a committed relationship without talking about it, that's a little ridiculous and is not cheating on the part of the multidater. If you're not comfortable talking about that with someone, then you are obviously not ready to be in a relationship with them.

[InJest]

If you ask if she's dating someone and she says no, but she is dating others that's not called lying by omission, it's called...LYING.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have no problem telling men I go on dates with that I'm also dating other people and I would hope he is too.

 

Do you show up at every single one of your dates 100% single with no orbiters?

 

I'm almost always talking to a few different dudes at any given time. I'm not exclusive with any of them so I couldn't care less who they go out with, either.

 

I completely agree with InJest.

[Drseussgrrl]

So - you're not even a "dater", let alone a multi-dater.

[dextm]

I'm not going to lie, I feel way more guilty now after reading all the responses.

[InJest]

Pierre, we know what your preference is. That's fine. The only issue anyone has with what you're saying is pertaining to cheating. If you ask someone if you're exclusive and they yes, when they are seeing others, then that is lying and we'd probably all agree, on the same level as cheating, if she continues to see you and make you think you're the only one.

 

My original point was that whether you multidate or not, doesn't determine whether you will cheat or not.

[dextm]

Pierre, we know what your preference is. That's fine. The only issue anyone has with what you're saying is pertaining to cheating. If you ask someone if you're exclusive and they yes, when they are seeing others, then that is lying and we'd probably all agree, on the same level as cheating, if she continues to see you and make you think you're the only one.

 

My original point was that whether you multidate or not, doesn't determine whether you will cheat or not.

 

My question is, if talks of exclusivity are not brought up at all by each side (rather we are not even at that stage yet since we are taking things slow), are we "morally" obliged to tell the other party we are multidating or seeing others whether it may be for ONS or no strings sex? For once in my life, I want to be able to have a slice of every cake (and not feel guilty at the same time).

[dextm]

I'm not a multidater, have never multidated ever in the past and I only plan to do this once and only once. Temptation is hard to resist. And I don't know this is the girl of my dreams yet. For all I know she could be terrible in bed or have a STD or be an attention whoring psycho. She could also stop seeing me for a milloin reasons. What I do know is that she's had much more experience in bed than I have, so maybe she could understand my POV if she ever finds out?

[Drseussgrrl]

Why does it have to be many different people? Why can't it just be some other person you might have hooked up with a few weeks ago? Geez.

 

I see nothing wrong with wanting to play around as much as you want, as long as you aren't making promises you can't keep.

[InJest]

My question is, if talks of exclusivity are not brought up at all by each side (rather we are not even at that stage yet since we are taking things slow), are we "morally" obliged to tell the other party we are multidating or seeing others whether it may be for ONS or no strings sex? For once in my life, I want to be able to have a slice of every cake (and not feel guilty at the same time).

 

There are no rules. If you feel guilty about it, then don't do it.

 

I don't think you should put all your eggs in one basket, and I also don't believe that you can know she is your dream girl. Pierre has a low sex drive, and only dates people he already knows, so waiting around for him is fine. For me, I have a high sex drive and will **** for sport and because I like the variety. You When I find a keeper, it's plain as day to me, and I have no desire for any others. My girlfriend is the same way. She told me she really liked me and wanted to take things slow because of that, and she also made it clear she was looking for a relationship with me. Your girl has made no such assurance; she has merely said she's NOT looking for a relationship and that she's not going to have sex with you for a few months..classic attention whore. I bet she won't have a problem with you paying for everything and being her emotional tampon 24/7. I'm willing to bet you're going to get taken advantage of, and I hope you keep us updated.

 

Why are you going to give this girl the comforts of a relationship when you get no security or anything in return?

 

I see a nice-guy that's gonna get walked on.

 

Drseussgrrl, Pierre dumped a girl for having a tattoo. Dude is a nazi. No offense Pierre. What do you do for fun? Work?

Edited July 19, 2012 by InJest

[singlelife]

Don't date by rules. That is silly.

 

If you really like this woman then make her your priority and only date her. Be exclusive to her whether you had the discussion or not. It is a matter of personal preference and integrity.

 

If she is ****ing other dudes while dating you then that is too bad. With her actions she is telling you she is not a keeper.

 

If you are f****ing other women while courting her you are telling her you are not a keeper.

 

I agree. But I feel that if you aren't exclusive then you both are free to do whatever. Just be respectful of each other's time. Don't break dates and that sort of thing because you do want to keep a good friend around. Go have fun!

[miss_jaclynrae]

So I guess by Pierres statements... I am a cheater with no moral compass?

 

 

 

Ok.

There is some serious misconceptions about multi daters.

[singlelife]

So I guess by Pierres statements... I am a cheater with no moral compass?

 

 

 

Ok.

There is some serious misconceptions about multi daters.

 

lol. I agree with the misconceptions part.

[dextm]

There are no rules. If you feel guilty about it, then don't do it.

 

Your girl has made no such assurance; she has merely said she's NOT looking for a relationship and that she's not going to have sex with you for a few months..classic attention whore. I bet she won't have a problem with you paying for everything and being her emotional tampon 24/7. I'm willing to bet you're going to get taken advantage of, and I hope you keep us updated.

 

 

She didn't specifically say she's not going to have sex with me for a few months. It was my own assumption based on a question she asked me - "How long do you usually wait until you have sex?" in which she responded 2-3 months.

 

I'm her emotional tampon 24/7 but she's not a golddigger. She always offers to pay, sometimes split the bill.

 

Why are you going to give this girl the comforts of a relationship when you get no security or anything in return?

 

I see a nice-guy that's gonna get walked on.

 

You are right in a sense, I'm dedicating too much time to this girl.

[Drseussgrrl]

Ha - well I'm not surprised about that. Hey Pierre, if I do it doggy-style, does that make me a ho?

 

And actually, I'm having a lot more sex now than I was in my 4-year committed relationship with my ex who was ok with once a month. *Yawn*

[InJest]

It is not about sex drive.

 

Furthermore, I have almost always being in relationships. Most studies show that those in a relationship get laid much more than single guys.

 

Not really sure what the laughter is about, since I'm in a relationship. Not to mention, studies only show an average.

 

Now tell me what you do for work and fun. I want to see how boring you really are.

[RedRobin]

Point taken

 

However has anybody even considered that the OP's new love interest is not exactly on the up and up?

Think about it for a minute . She says 'she doesn't see a LTR happening anytime soon' but in the next breath says 'she wants to take things slow ???'

 

Uhmm..... Mixed Messages much ?

 

Interesting... some people actually mean it when they say they want to take it slow... and they aren't seeing other people.

 

I met someone a few weeks ago and I told him that I'm rather cautious and would like to take things slow. No. I'm not 'banging' other guys or even going out with other guys.

 

I want to take things slow because he is a total stranger... and I'm sick and tired of every guy I come across putting the moves on me and expecting me to f*ck them by date 3... while they also multi-date.

 

So no. Not everyone multi-dates. Some people go slow and mean it.

 

I just love it how multi-daters come up with every excuse under the sun to do whatever they feel like doing without telling the other person. Lovely. Just lovely.

 

There is a word for that behavior... chicken-sh*t.

[InJest]

It's irrelevant to the argument, and I only ask out of my own curiosity. You're good at articulating your points and you're consistent, but you're just so bland and different from me that I'm interested to know more about you.

 

Now, if we want to get back to debate, how about you post a link to one of these studies instead of hammering us with your conjecture. Really though, I don't know what there is to debate. We agreed on the only point of contention that I had with you.

[Drseussgrrl]

Haha. It does NOT take two to have a boring sex life. Turns out dude had mommy issues that he's now in therapy for. Good riddance.

 

And yes I do whatever I want if we aren't exclusive. It's my life and I don't owe anything to anyone if we aren't in a relationship. You don't have the right to ask me what I do when I'm not with you. It's my time. If you aren't ok with that you don't have to date me.

 

Up and until we are exclusive and committed, I'll do what I want, damn right.

[RedRobin]

I find the multi-daters awfully quiet when one suggests that they simply tell the people they are seeing that they are seeing other people.

 

If there is really nothing 'wrong' with what they are doing, then they would just be open about it... and check in to make sure everyone is on the same page.

 

People who don't multi-date don't have any problems with multi-daters, per se.

 

We have a problem with multi-daters who aren't open about it, or expect the other person to be a mind reader, or expect the other person to do all the hard work of communicating.

 

It's not that difficult really, OP. Just tell your new friend that you wanna screw your ex. See what she says. If you can't tell her that, then I guess we all have our answer about your integrity.

[Drseussgrrl]

I've posted REPEATEDLY that I'm open about the fact I date others. Ask me and I'll tell you.

 

Why does the OP owe the girl who "doesn't want an LTR for a while" any explanation about how he spends his free time when they're not together?

 

He doesn't. He can do as he likes. Just because they are dating doesn't mean she gets the monopoly on all of the personal details of his life and who he chooses to spend time with, and what they spend that time doing.

[RedRobin]

You don't have the right to ask me what I do when I'm not with you. It's my time. If you aren't ok with that you don't have to date me.

 

Up and until we are exclusive and committed, I'll do what I want, damn right.

 

Huh. The people you date don't even have the right to ask?

 

I'm having a hard time understanding why anyone would want to commit to you (for one) if you can't be open and transparent... and two... how would he possibly know that you really are exclusive and 'committed'... because you said so?

 

I don't see any reason for someone to believe you if you said that, because you haven't demonstrated any propensity for honesty.

 

You can't really turn it on and off like a like switch. Honesty that is. You either are or you are not.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Exclusivity is a talk that multi daters must have because they are sleeping with many different people.

 

In reality two people that do not multi date do not need to talk about exclusivity. Obviously they are not f****ing other people.

 

I would freak out if I went on a date, ONE date, and the guy already had plans to be exclusive with me. Don't you understand the point of dating?

 

 

It is to get to know the other person to see if they ARE the right person.

The fact that you also think that we sleep with many different people is wrong. Sure, sometimes I have been sleeping wit multiple people... but you make it sound like we just go around sleeping with whoever.

[RedRobin]

Just because they are dating doesn't mean she gets the monopoly on all of the personal details of his life and who he chooses to spend time with, and what they spend that time doing.

 

You are right. People who date for sport aren't looking for intimacy.

 

So don't bother being open about your life.

 

Most people who don't multi-date can figure this out in a couple of weeks because there is always some BS story that doesn't line up regarding your time. *shrug*

 

The tough part comes when multi-daters lie and use their work, kids, or other hobbies as a foil for their dating. That takes a bit more time... perhaps a month or two. But I've never failed to sus a lying multi-dater out. They can't keep their stories straight.

[Drseussgrrl]

If you're not my boyfriend, then yes I can do what I want and I don't have to answer to anyone about it.

 

Why is this so hard for you to understand? I still don't get where honesty has anything to do with it.

 

I'll repeat myself AGAIN. Yes I'm open about the fact that I date other people UNTIL I am in a committed relationship, which again, is pretty simple. You have the talk.