Dating, no talk of exclusivity, what are the rules then?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Hmm, I never done anything remotely similar. Maybe I'm not a multi-dater after all?

 

That being said, I also have been on MANY first dates as well.

Congrats on the boyfriend btw, I am still on the lookout for one.

[oaks]

What, exactly, is considered 'multi-dating?'

 

I assumed I was a multi-dater because, before I got together with my current boyfriend, I went on about a gazillion first dates. Literally, quite a few a week.

 

But generally, I can tell whether or not I like someone after the first date, so there was no second. Every once in a great while, I thought I would give someone the benefit of the doubt and go for date two to see if things got better, but that's it.

 

After the 2nd date, if we both wanted to see each other again, I would not go on anymore first dates. Why would I? There was actually potential with the guy I was with now.

 

Does this make me a multi dater or not?

 

That's similar to what I do (but sometimes it gets up to 3 dates). I take the view that if I've got specific dating plans for a non-first date with someone (ie a second/third/subsequent date) and I then make plans for any dates with someone else (or perhaps I need to follow through and actually have the dates) then that's multi-dating. A string of just first dates, where there's no agreement for a second date because the first date wasn't good enough, isn't multi-dating... in my view.

 

But, we failed to come to a good consensus about what multi-dating is the last time we did this, which doesn't help.

 

 

Anyway, if the OP is still reading... if your dating partner disagrees with multi-dating to the degree probably expressed so far (I haven't read all posts) then she won't be too keen on the idea of you having sex with your ex.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You don't get it...

 

People who don't multi-date don't want that 'experience'

 

We find it repulsive.

 

Find what repulsive?

 

 

I guess for me, I have already been married once. I did what probably you non multi daters do. After my divorce I realized in order for me to know what I want in that other person [YES, I plan on marrying again and would like to find someone sooner rather than later] I decided I need to date more.

 

 

& Guess what? I have a VERY defined idea as to what I am looking for, and with each man I date I get even closer to finding it.

[RedRobin]

All things considered... I'm trying NOT to get so wrapped around the axle about the multi-dater thing.

 

When I come across it IRL, I just bow out. I've come to understand that other people take it as a given. I ask early on, and if they are, I stop seeing them. I also don't put myself into situations where I'd suffer negative consequences from someone who would lie about it.

 

It is unfortunate, but that's how it goes. I don't compete for men. The fact that he has 'options' doesn't increase his attractiveness to me at all. Despite some other's viewpoints here.

[oaks]

Not yet, I feel like things aren't getting so heated.

 

Oh, well that's progress!

[miss_jaclynrae]

I could care less about your private life. However, before any dating I would simply say: "Hey, are you dating anyone right now? I want to go out with you."

 

At this point you may say to yourself: "Gee, I slept with Joey yesterday, but I will reply i am not seeing anyone."

 

If you give the look that perhaps you are about to lie I may say: "If you are seeing someone that is my loss. Good bye."

 

It is rather simple. we don't want to date multi daters because they have a different philosophy. Just be honest before you even go out with the guy.

 

See, that right there is a matter of personal meaning behind dating. If you asked I would say, "no, I am indeed single" Because I AM single, and from the way you worded that, I would think you meant dating as to am I exclusively with someone, which I am not.

 

 

Does that make sense?

[InJest]

If I knew someone from work or one of my other activities... and had done a fair amount of talking, flirting, etc before we went out... then we went on a date... perhaps more than a few dates and things felt really special... and I found out he was seeing someone else while doing all of that... I'd be really offended.

 

Make sense?

 

This does make sense, and I thought about it a while ago when talking to Pierre. If you're only dating people that you already know, then that changes things. I feel no obligation to some girl whose number I got while out at the bar or something. If I already know someone through friends, work, or whatever, and she show's genuine interest, I don't bother with other girls, because I know for sure I want this one...like I did with my current g/f. Stopped seeing my FWB cold after our second date, which I guess is technically multidating but we already had plans and our first date was just a casual lunch.

[RedRobin]

Find what repulsive?

 

 

I guess for me, I have already been married once. I did what probably you non multi daters do. After my divorce I realized in order for me to know what I want in that other person [YES, I plan on marrying again and would like to find someone sooner rather than later] I decided I need to date more.

 

 

& Guess what? I have a VERY defined idea as to what I am looking for, and with each man I date I get even closer to finding it.

 

I was in the process of editing my previous post and someone posted after...

 

Ok, 'repulsive' is a strong word. I used to find it alot more repulsive than I do now.

 

When I come across it IRL, I can't say I have a super strong feeling about it. I just figure we aren't compatible and move on.

 

When I first started dating, yes, I had a very strong negative reaction... and (deep down), I do.

 

I do in a sense that I don't feel that multi-dating lends itself to openness, trust, and intimacy... at least, I can't imagine how it would. It feels more like polyamory to me... in theory and in practice... Not my thing.

 

Other people do it. I just don't want to date them. I also don't want to date people who aren't open about it... or I feel I have to whip out some long questionairre on if they are or aren't. Just come right out and be honest about it or even volunteer it... makes things so much easier for everyone.

 

Regarding life after divorce... I get that. I've been divorced for awhile myself. But I guess I never felt the need to do alot of dating. I work around all men, and my other activities and volunteer work puts me around lots of men... so I get lots of examples of what I want and don't want. Kinda crappy if you think about it. I see the best and worst of men, TBH. Too much information!!

 

Lots of people aren't in environments where they have alot of exposure to the opposite sex, so I guess 'dating' for them is the only way to go about it.

 

Like I said... I'm trying not to get so wrapped around the axle about it... and do a better job of explaining the other style of dating to people...

 

Even better, is if multidaters would stop assuming everyone is multi-dating. They just aren't. Just please be up front. It won't hurt you. Might even help you find the right person for you quicker. Best for everyone.

[KungFuJoe]

When I start seeing someone, I don't ask them if they are seeing anyone else. Honestly, I don't really care. I've dated women who were also seeing someone else and I've been with more than one girl at the same time myself. If it progresses into something more, then we will both agree to be exclusive. Done.

[RedRobin]

See, that right there is a matter of personal meaning behind dating. If you asked I would say, "no, I am indeed single" Because I AM single, and from the way you worded that, I would think you meant dating as to am I exclusively with someone, which I am not.

 

 

Does that make sense?

 

Ok... in the future, knowing that there are other people who don't share your dating style, I think it is wise if you are a little more specific.

 

This is me and Pierre's point (if I may be so bold to speak for him).

 

Dancing around the subject and using terms that hide one's true status... or gives a false picture... usually designed to minimize fallout or leave a false impression so they can get a 'date'... that is what I am opposed to.

 

...and behavior I witnessed way too many times from 'multi-daters'... both IRL and here on LS.

 

This is why *I* keep addressing this topic... because I do believe some people don't have an intention to decieve... others do.

 

You don't want to fall into the category of those who do... or leave that impression.

[KungFuJoe]

If I ask her if she is seeing someone before I ask for a date it does not mean I want exclusivity. It simply means I want to date a woman that is not seeing other men.

 

Um...just what exactly is the difference?

[RedRobin]

Um...just what exactly is the difference?

 

What it means for me is that, for the duration of time that we are going on dates, that we aren't seeing other people.

 

I have no problems.... and actually prefer... seeing just one person long enough to decide if a romance is possible.

 

By doing so, I feel I've set the stage for one to happen... and that the proper foundation is being formed for a lasting relationship.

 

Do I know from the outset if this will happen? No. Does it mean I will likely be saying no to other men during this period. Probably. I think they can handle a polite response of "I'm currently seeing someone else right now" for the few weeks, or months it might take for me to figure this out.

 

I also like the idea of knowing that if I'm physically intimate with someone, and it comes from a natural progression with them, that there isn't overlap with other people. I want to feel too, that my emotional investment (if it is returned) is returned fully and completely.

 

I don't feel the need to shop and compare. I'm able to make an assessment of my compatibility with someone one-on-one.

 

Is there a chance that things won't work out? Absolutely. But I feel I've given it the best chance possible. I feel the other person is worth that. I'm worth that too.

 

...one last thing... perhaps I'm operating more from a position of abundance. I have a full life, and not much time passes between opportunities for me. Even if there weren't opportunities... I'd still feel the same way. I've never felt the need to latch onto one person, or keep multiple people juggling.

[KungFuJoe]

I could easily flip this around.

 

What if you were dating someone and your dream person comes around during this time, but you kindly tell them, "Sorry...I'm dating someone right now. It's not exclusive but I don't feel like dating anyone else at the moment." You just passed up your chance at a lifetime of happiness because you didn't want to "multidate"

 

Who the HELL came up with this stupid name anyways. Multidate??? Only on the internet, I swear.

 

Dating is for you to figure out what you want and hopefully find the right person. If you want to restrict these opportunities so be it. But please don't walk around with the delusions that by NOT multidating (there's that word again) that you have a better chance of finding the right person than someone who does.

 

In fact, I would actually say it's the opposite.

 

If my wife and I never "multidated" we wouldn't be together because she was seeing someone (and I was having ex sex) when we got together. And neither of us said, "sorry...can't go out with you because I'm seeing someone else".

 

If you meet the right person, you will KNOW IT...regardless of how many people you are seeing at the time.

[RedRobin]

What if you were dating someone and your dream person comes around during this time, but you kindly tell them, "Sorry...I'm dating someone right now. It's not exclusive but I don't feel like dating anyone else at the moment." You just passed up your chance at a lifetime of happiness because you didn't want to "multidate"

 

If he were truly my 'dream person', then he'd still be available. If not, then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

 

Until I'm married, I do reserve the right (as does the other person) to tell me they met someone else they'd like to date.

 

In that case, I may be disappointed, but I wouldn't feel hurt or betrayed... as I might feel if they were doing it simultaneously.

 

Dating is for you to figure out what you want and hopefully find the right person. If you want to restrict these opportunities so be it. But please don't walk around with the delusions that by NOT multidating (there's that word again) that you have a better chance of finding the right person than someone who does.

 

I don't personally know any couples who have been married faithfully to someone long-term who multidated extensively before they were married. A few dates. Yes... overlap? No. In my world, that is cheating... or it is an open relationship.

 

If my wife and I never "multidated" we wouldn't be together because she was seeing someone (and I was having ex sex) when we got together. And neither of us said, "sorry...can't go out with you because I'm seeing someone else".

 

I don't know how long you've been married. The people I use as examples are those in my family... and also my good friends. None of them multi-dated.

 

Those are the examples I go by. Not the Hollywood style relationships were people monkey-branch from person to person.

[kaylan]

I recently met this person and I really like her. We've gone out a couple times already and we're starting to get intimate like holding hands and playfully touching each other. However we're nowhere close to sex and I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon (her average time is 2-3 months). I'm fine with this and I'm willing to wait because I really like her. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready. I'm also fine with this and said I wanted the same.

 

Here is my question. What if some chick comes along and I want to bang her? What if that hot chick was my ex who will happen to be in town for a couple weeks in the near future? We're over each other (no chance of getting back together) but we still want each other physically, casually cause we know it'll be good.

 

Is it possible to go thru with this, make everyone happy and leave no one hurt? I get some physical enjoyment, ex gets some physical enjoyment, date gets me emotionally 24/7 and physically 24/7 when she's ready.

 

I've never cheated in the past and will never be a cheater and this is in no way a scheme to get my date to have sex with me. I just want some action because I've been sex-deprived and the opportunity's sitting there waiting for me to grab it.

 

If I go thru with my desires, should I bother telling my date? I know I will feel a small sense of guilt but my desire for physical pleasure will definitely overpower that guilt. And I can imagine her being upset, but we never promised exclusivity. We talked about it briefly but never committed to it or set any rules so for all I know she could be dating/banging others right now. Highly unlikely but a possibility.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

You arent exclusive to the new girl.

 

She doesnt want to get physical.

 

She said she doesnt want a LTR anytime soon either.

 

In which case you are single and can do whatever the fudge you wanna do. Just dont lie to her if she asks if youve seen anyone else. Be open and honest, but she should know you dont owe her anything since you two are not an item.

 

Either she wants a commitment or she doesnt. If she tells you she doesnt, she cant expect you not to see anyone else. Thatd be controlling and selfish.

 

Youre allowed to have your fun, and shes allowed to react in whichever way she likes. But shed be stupid to get mad in my opinion based on what shes told you.

[KungFuJoe]

The poker face needed to be a two timer is what make these folks prime candidates to be philanderers if they get married.

 

If you don't want to sleep with more than one person because you feel you don't have the heart for it...that's perfectly fine. I'm kind of the same way, being mostly a one woman man. Though I've done the sleeping with two women at the same time before, I much prefer a loving, monogamous relationship.

 

But don't think for a SECOND that it means you will find a more trustworthy partner. There is absolutely ZERO correlation between someone who will sleep with multiple people at the same time and faithfulness.

 

First girl I was ever with was the definition of "innocent". She was 21 when I met her and had two boyfriends before me (one for 2 years another for less than a year). She lost her virginity to her first bf (and they were deeply in love only broke up because she left Hong Kong to come to the US) and the 2nd boyfriend the most she did was make out with. We were together for 4 years and I was the 2nd person she slept with and the 3rd person she kissed. She cheated on me 2 years into the relationship. I didn't realize she did at the time but later on when I looked back and put the pieces together, it was pretty obvious. She had low self esteem and was just generally not a good person (stole her friend's car for a joyride for a MONTH and screwed some poor guy she ran into for grand when she refused to pay for damages).

 

A person's sexual habits have NOTHING to do with their moral standing. It has more to do with honesty. Doesn't matter how many guys a woman is seeing as long as she gives you a straight answer if you ask her. And if you don't ask her, then she doesn't have to tell you.

[KungFuJoe]

That is called being able to live in different compartments. The ability to switch off your sex session with the other guy like a radio and being able to concentrate on the man in front of you.

 

That is the no. 1 requirement needed to be a cheater in a marriage.

 

Again, you think sex HAS to come with love. That's fine and for some people that's how it is. But not ALL people think like that and just because they don't doesn't make them more liable to CHEAT.

 

That is NOT the no. 1 requirement to be a cheater (where are you getting this from?). The no. 1 requirement to be a cheater is to be a WEAK MINDED person.

[kaylan]

Exactly! that is why I think multi daters are potential philanderers once they get married.

 

I say: Never date a multi dater!

???

 

some bs logic right here. A cheater is a cheater based on their morals and character, not whether they multi date or not. You act as if you never here stories of people who only ever have LTRs with no real dating in between, yet years into one of their relationships, they end up cheating.

 

Look...he likes the girl, but they are not exclusive and are still getting to know one another.

 

If this girl is saying she doesnt want a relationship yet, why in the world can this man not enjoy sex as a single man? Hes not attached, she said she doesnt want to be attached yet, so why should he be forced to be a boyfriend, even though he isnt.

 

Why should he sit around and wait for her to decide when she wants to treat him like an actual boyfriend, despite wanting him to be a pseudo bf already.

 

I dont think he should get involved with his ex, but I do think hes free to see other women in the mean time.

Edited July 20, 2012 by kaylan

[RedRobin]

Doesn't matter how many guys a woman is seeing as long as she gives you a straight answer if you ask her. And if you don't ask her, then she doesn't have to tell you.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Personally, I prefer not to have to be a mind reader or pull out a dictionary with 10 different definitions of 'faithfulness' or 'single' or 'seeing someone' in order to get the truth.

 

I prefer people who are proactive in their dating and relationship habits, and are looking to find common ground... not avoid it so they can eat cake as long as they can get away with it.

[RedRobin]

The no. 1 requirement to be a cheater is to be a WEAK MINDED person.

 

... who justifies their selfish behavior in order to suit themselves... without care for the other person's feelings.

 

I agree with Pierre... way too many multi-daters exhibit this.

 

I have nothing against those who want to sleep with multiple people. It's called polamory or an open relationship. If all are made aware of the situation (not assumed out of convenience) then the choice can be made.

 

However, without being given the knowledge, the choice is being made for the other person. A couple of posters have said right here that's its nobody's business who they are sleeping with.

 

They are depriving the other person of full knowledge. Intentionally.

 

If they aren't ashamed of it, then just come right out and tell the other person. Why not? Afraid of the outcome? Afraid the other person won't want to continue seeing you? If the answer is YES, then there is the answer.

 

Lying by omission or outright lying in order to have it both ways and multiple ways.

[Drseussgrrl]

If you want to know if someone is dating others just ask, red robin.

 

But by your own admission you shut men down left and right before they are even out the gate with you.

 

 

This has more to do with you and how you feel about intimacy than it does with those of us who date around until something real pans out.

 

 

Please stop making the rest of us out to be liars and cheaters who are out to hurt people and deal with whatever it is inside yourself that is making you so critical of us and the men you date.

[Leopard]

Just go with the flow.

 

I don't know why everyone is so worried about these damn rules. Keep doing what you're doing.

 

Unless there is something that clearly states that you two are exclusive, or you both start doing exclusive things (meeting each other's friends or family for example) then you should reconsider what you're doing.

 

Until then, enjoy yourself!

[RedRobin]

If you want to know if someone is dating others just ask, red robin.

 

But by your own admission you shut men down left and right before they are even out the gate with you.

 

 

This has more to do with you and how you feel about intimacy than it does with those of us who date around until something real pans out.

 

 

Please stop making the rest of us out to be liars and cheaters who are out to hurt people and deal with whatever it is inside yourself that is making you so critical of us and the men you date.

 

I do ask.

 

Too many multidaters lie because they don't feel the need to tell the truth.

 

You and another poster here said yourself you don't feel the need to tell the truth.

 

Please deal with whatever is inside yourself that needs to justify lying and fibbing in order to get people to continue seeing you. I personally have no problems telling multi-daters I"m not interested.... if only they'd fess up.

 

Too many don't, and I have to dump them when they decide to 'choose' me at their leisure. They are no prize.

 

Besides, I have plenty of examples all around me of what actually does work in gaining and keeping a life-long relationship and real intimacy. If your version of intimacy is f*cking a new guy every few years until something better comes along or simultaneously because your brain is incapable of making a decision (only your vagina is), then so be it. Multi-date all you want.

Edited July 20, 2012 by RedRobin

[Drseussgrrl]

You are twisting my words. I simply said that until a man wants to be my boyfriend he has no claim on the knowledge of what I do with my time away from him.

 

And I have also repeated myself a MILLION times now that if a man asks, YES. He can know that we haven't had the exclusivity talk - so I'm dating others!!!

 

 

Where do you get off thinking that a guy who has been out with you a few times, can't entertain the thought that someone might be better for him and that it's perfectly ok for him to explore that and come to his own conclusions?

 

 

Get over yourself.

[RedRobin]

Where do you get off thinking that a guy who has been out with you a few times, can't entertain the thought that someone might be better for him and that it's perfectly ok for him to explore that and come to his own conclusions?

 

He's welcome to come to his own conclusions on someone else's time. Not mine. I'm not into open relationships.

 

 

Get over yourself.

I'm quite 'over myself'. I'm so 'over myself' that I don't need to compete for a man. If he wants to see other women, have at it.

 

Not on my time though. I've got better things to do with my time than be juggled. That is my choice... or would be if a multi-dater would give it to me.

 

Since they need to lie to keep cake eating, I guess I have to do the math myself.