Brian83 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Hey all. To sum up the situation ... my girlfriend of three years broke up with me a little over a month ago for mixed reasons. She started dating this guy at her work almost immediately after the break up and I was having a really hard time dealing with it all. She and I met up briefly about two weeks after the break up and had a pleasant encounter, although there was no real mention of seeing each other again or hanging out again or what not. Okay ... so ... since that encounter, she has text messaged me about four times ... they have been rather neutral and seemed very formal. For example, she sent a text message last saturday that said "Hello brian. I just wanted 2 see howu were doing and to wish you a happy 4th of July" or something like that. That same night, after not replying to the text messages that she sent, she called ... and I was at a baseball game ... and I didn't know what to do. The blood was pumpin' ... the heart was pounding ... it was the first time she had made an effort to call me since even before we broke up. So ... I let the phone ring through to my voicemail. She said something like "hey Brian, I just ... I don't know ... I wanted to wish you a happy fourth of July and ... I don't know ... I was thinking about you earlier today and I had a dream about you ... and I wanted to tell you about it ... but ... I guess you're busy ... so ... I don't know ... bye". So at that point, I started questioning whether or not I did the right thing by not answering. This is a girl that I still love and would definitely consider getting back together with. I haven't replied ... and it's been about six days since the call. I don't know if I should call her ... or if I should wait for her to call me ... or if I should make any other effort to contact her ... or ...? I didn't answer the call because I felt that if I answered ... it could give her some kind of leverage over me ... in a way. I felt that if I didn't answer that it could arouse some curiousity and possibly some hidden emotions. I'd feel more comfortable about the choice I made if she had tried to contact me again since ... but uh ... I don't know what she's thinkin'. What to do? Any advice ... comments ... or related scenario stories would be appreciated. - Brian Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 She's contacted you twice. Give her a call. Link to post Share on other sites
Learn_To_Fly Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Sorry, I do not agree that you should reply. She has deserted you. She has rung 2 times and will definately ring again. If you ring now she will gain the upper hand. By not ringing she will be worried that you are no longer interested in her and therefore you will become a biger challenge for her and she will chase you like crazy. Do not allow your inner feelings known to her for a while as this will only put her off. Crazy I know but it works. Good Luck! Besides she does not deserve you. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Why does everything have to be a game? He wants her back. He loves her. She called him twice. Just call her. Maybe it's just me but there are way too many rules in these games. Link to post Share on other sites
quyster Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 dont answer or call..... this happened 2 me, when u call they'll go back to how they were before.... this will repeat and go on and on..... Just keep no contact for a long period of time... 3 weeks? 1mo? Link to post Share on other sites
simon sez Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 do not call her back, do not answer her calls..... Make her come POUNDING on your door ...... the only way to get a woman back is to MAKE HER CHASE YOU..... find yourself a woman and be seen around town with her... make your ex jealous.. don't just play hard to get, but BE hard to get....... I have been helping to save relationships for a long long time... and I will tell you one thing for SURE... Women are attracted to STRONG, CONFIDENT MEN. They are attracted to men who are a challenge. Women are much happier when they are pursuing. Get some self confidence man... Make her come POUNDING on your door.(and she will when you ignore her calls..) then when you answer your door with her standing there wanting to know why YOU are ignoring her, you can cast her a sly little smile and say.. why, did you MISS ME!!!!!.. then tell her that it was nice of her to stop by, but you have company inside and you will talk to her later... This is not game playing... this is real life... I have studied these types of things for many many years, and what I have found is this is what WORKS the best by far to get them to come back....... If you pursue her and chase her keep telling her how much you want her back, then you are going to be highly disappointed...... Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 ok it's a REALLY good thing she's calling you. you have to regain your self-respect -- if you MUST answer her, tell her, "look...you have moved on...what exactly do you want here?" but don't be a d.i.c.k. about it. be totally sincere. act happy and NICE and as if you have moved on. i only started to get my ex's attention when i acted STRONG -- i didn't tell him he would never have me again, cause words don't mean a thing...actions and behaviors do. since i have been less emotionally weak in front of him, it has got him thinking. you should, however, avoid her calls. when my ex broke up with me becaue he needed space for himself (he has a lot going on right now, that is the ONLY saving grace here or o/wise i would be loooooooong gone), i started moving on because i had to. when someone tells you they don't want to be together, what else can you do? be pathetic? so i started moving on....then 5 days later he's calling. i ignored the calls and felt myself coming back to earth. then 2 days later he sends me a text "do you never want to talk to me again??" finally i caved though and we had a great convo. at least it was honest, and he told me what he really needs...and he DOES in fact need time and space and we have such an AMAZING friendship to begin with that i trust him. this has done me well!! but if she was dating someone else or you were not really solid friends, don't trust it. go with your gut. if they are completely honest w/you, you can't crucify them. you have to respec them as they are humans with honest feelings. but if she is messing with you, just get rid of her!!! do NOT call her agian! her actions caused you to feel lost and love her more..or so you thought. if she is not genuine and you can't understand why she'd leave you for someone else, move on. i don't know the respect level you guys have though, so it's hard to say. my ex and i have alwyas had an incredible level of respect for one antoher, despite crappy actions on either's part. his honesty is worth waiting for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian83 Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 I appreciate all the advice ... I ended up buying a blank card ... and I wrote a Dr. Seuss-like poem in it. I just kind of talked about what I've been up to. It might sound silly to write a poem like that ... but I figured the light-hearted nature of the poem would be a good way to convey some feelings without writing them out word by word or without telling her all that over the phone. I kept it along the lines of how I threw a party ... how I have been swimming a lot ... that joined a gym ... etc. Now ... I wouldn't be suprised if she called after she gets the letter ... so should I answer? I understand the no contact rule ... but I just don't want to miss out on an opportunity to renew the strength in our relationship. I'm worried that if I present the image that I'm totally unattainable, then she'll see it as just that ... and not think to try. Any further comments or suggestions would be appreciated. - Brian Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 BRIAN DONT SEND THAT CARD! You mentioned about you not wanting to miss out on a chance or something. The way to do this the right way is to practice APATHY. APATHY APATHY APATHY. What that means is, you dont be mean to her, but you dont be overly nice. Meaning, act with her the way you would to a stranger. Do you know what i mean? THEN she cant say "he doesnt like me" or "he does like me" because she wont know! so she will be trying so hard to figure it out ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Brian I don't think you get it -- this will do more harm than good. Forget about your kind intentions. right now she does not care. you have to get this straight, don't learn the hard way. toward the end of my relationship aLLLL i did was kind, giving, appreciative things. the more i did, the further he went. wasn't cause he didn't care, it's cause it felt like pressure. she will NOT respect you for this. please get it right and listen to us who have been through this more than once. you must treat her like an acquaintance .. practice makes perfect. it will feel wierd, awkward...but just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
mrbubbles Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 i dont think u guys understand the use of no contact enough..funny enough brian, i think u should call her, she has no negative reasons for her not to want u anymore..shes phoning for a reason and it is quite obvious what her intentions are brian, providing what u say in the call is nice, humble and chilled.she can only want you more by your laid back approach just dont jump in with questions about both of ur relationship, just concentrate on talking at a comfortable level, no pushing no pressuring. sometimes ppl just use the no contact rule with EVERY situation but look at whats going on brian..it worked, shes calling, uve got her, play it cool and wait for her to make the first move. this was the point of u wanting no contact wasnt it? to help yourself and to make her want you again..well, dont always use no contact in every situation bcos in my eyes you now have the upper hand, just dont turn ur back and be blind, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Learn_To_Fly Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Brian, No one is saying that you have to be mean to her. As said previously you don't have to be mean to her but at the same time do not give her a indication that you miss her or want her back. The more you act cool and give her the impression that you have moved on the more she will want you back. This is the only way I believe you will eventually get her begging you to take her back. When this happens it might even put you off, you never know as it is not attractive to a person male or female to witness such insecurity in a person which we all have. We need to be strong emotionally as this is a turn on for most people. Would you rather be in the company of happy people that make you laugh and make you forget all your troubles or a group of winging miserable people that can bring you down with them. Be strong and positive. When you master that positive attitude you will be amazed how attractive and popular you will become. Remember don't have to be mean to your ex but at the same time don't chase her. Link to post Share on other sites
hurting so bad Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 EXACTLY! WHICH IS WHY I SAID APATHY! Just use apathy! Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 What ever happened with just being honest about how you feel? I don't understand why people go through life so petrified that they may get hurt again that they're not willing to even take a chance. So you may get hurt. It happens. But at least you can look back and know that you did what was right and you were honest with yourself and others and you gave what you could give. At least you'd know it wasn't because you made a mistake by not being honest about how you feel. I don't think being honest with your feelings can ever be a mistake. If I were her and I found out you were playing games with me I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with you again. How would you feel if she were playing games with you as though you were a predictable toy? It's undeniably rude in my opinion. It's no wonder people have such a hard time in relationships. So much dishonesty. If you love someone tell them. What's the worse that can happen? They don't love you back. Well life goes on and you'll find someone else to love. I'm so tired of people acting like love is this great sacrifice that we're making and if someone doesn't love us back it's the ultimate sin! Play games with her. Treat her like a puppet and hope she responds exactly the way you want her to. But remember you'll never know her true feelings because you didn't allow her to respond to the truth. You didn't allow her to make her own decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Learn_To_Fly Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Olivia, I am sorry to say that you have a bit to learn about relationships. Most of the advice given to Brian will have more chance of working than it would if he poured out his heart to his ex by letting her know how much he would love to have her back. For one if she knew how he was feeling she would not be worried that if she did not move quickly to get him back she could lose him forever. If he told her how he really felt she would than know she has all the time in the world to play around with other guys as if things did not work out, Brian would still be there waiting. Remember YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TILL IT IS LOST. Advice given to Brian has been proved to work. Your advice more often than not would probably ensure they never get back together. He is not been dishonest by holding back his feelings to himself. Olivia do you know that it is his ex that left Brian and therefore she does not need any further ego boosting by Brian at the expense of his dignity. He should wait for her to pour her heart out to him first before he opens up his feelings to her. Unfortunately been a nice honest guy does not get you far in relationship. Olivia just observe the guys around you that are most succesfull with girls. Unfortunately to be one of the succesfull guys you need to know what girls really want. NICE GUYS COME LAST! That is the way it is. TREAT THEM MEAN AND KEEP THEM KEEN. How many times have you heard that? Olivia, if you can change the way girls behave than your advice would be great and a lot easier for us guys as well. I have decided to be a winner and not a loser any more. Have a nice day! Link to post Share on other sites
hurting so bad Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 I agree with LearnToFly Olivia~ Sometimes you've got to give those you love a sense of what life is like w/ out you. think about yourself. IM sure there is someone in your life that maybe you take for granted they are there. It is human nature; you become numb to them being there. If they suddenly werent' there anymore, you gradually might start to realize what they mean toyou, because they aren't there anymore and you might think "wow these are all the great things about them that i didnt really notice till they were gone" Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Considering this is the same advice everyone keeps giving over and over again and we still have the same problems in relationships I hardly think the advice is right on target. Maybe that's why you have to give this type of advice. Everyone is too busy playing games to even discuss what it is they're really feeling. Keep playing your games. Keep twisting reality to make someone think things are one way when they are really another way. Keep deceiving people into believing you're being honest with your feelings and what you want in life. It's everyone's right to do that. I'll keep being honest and I'll keep telling people to be honest. At one point someone has to grow up and act like an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian83 Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 Okay, so ... if she calls ... I think I got the conversation part down ... I can play it cool and such ... and I'm not necessarily worried about what to say during the body of the conversation. What I am not sure of, is what to say at the end of the conversation ... like ... the point where you usually say "well, let's get together this friday" or something. Some might suggest just to say "bye" and leave it at that, but I was curious if there might be another way to go about it. In a previous encounter I had with her, everything seemed to go well ... and at the end ... I just didn't know what to say ... and as she was walking down the stairs to leave ... I was like "hey ..." and she stopped, and I said "so ... you want to talk again sometime or...?" and she nodded and said that she might call me. That was the last time that I saw her, about a month ago. I wasn't comfortable with leaving it as a simple "bye"... and it was part of a reaction when I stopped her. I miss the girl, I love the girl, and as long as it's been ... I don't think I feel any better about the situation. It doesn't help that she works about a block away from where I live. It's an awkward feeling knowing that I could just walk a block ... and see her ... but can't ... at the same time. Anyhoo, yeah, not sure what to say either at the end of a phone call or at the end of a physical encounter. I'd like to be prepared for it, because I knew it was going to get to that point before, when she last came over, and didn't really know what to say until it just spilled out. That might have been the only point in the conversation when I could have conveyed some kind of ... frailty ... and I think it'd be nice to be a bit more heavily armed next time, hehe. Again, any comments or suggestions are appreciated Thanks - Brian Link to post Share on other sites
Learn_To_Fly Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Brian, Next time you speak to your ex at the end of the conversation you might just say "It's been nice catching up with you. Take care!" You must wait for her to say when you might catch up again. All you need to do is be pleasant to her without going over the top. Remember you need to look like you are happy and enjoying your life and be positive. The rest will be up to her. GOOD LUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
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