Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 My husband and I got together 12 years ago, he brought a wonderful 3 year old with him. He was my buddy for about 10 of those years but now has done a 180. About a month ago he tried to take his own life, my husbands ex found him and rushed him to the Er. They told us any later and we would have lost him because he cut his wrists and lost a lot of blood. We signed a contract saying he would never be alone, since my husband and his mom work I watch him. I have no problem with it. He's my son too, he is in therapy and on meds. He doesn't speak to anyone, eat, and moves only to use to use the bathroom. He sits in the chair in our front room and looks out the window listening to his iPod. My 3 year old tries to play with him, but no luck he took him a book to read and he sat there. I leave him snacks that he'll eat if he doesn't think I'm watching. I gently brushed his hand and he flinched. He never looks at me either. The only time I've heard him speak was when he told his mother she should have left him a few weeks ago. Before he did it he cut off all his beautiful blonde hair with some scissors and cut his head. It's breaking my heart, he's my baby too, I love him. Can I help him? Can I let him know I care? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Sounds like he is depressed. What did the doctors say ? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) What was his upbringing like? It sounds pretty stable to me. Does he have schizophrenia, depression, bi-polar or any combination of mental illness that runs in the family? My aunt tried to take her own life at 19, she was schizophrenic and also had bi-polar. She has to be medicated for life. You can tell him that you will always be there for him, no matter what. If he needs to talk, tell him you will listen and not judge him. Edited July 19, 2012 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 What was his upbringing like? It sounds pretty stable to me. Does he have schizophrenia, depression, bi-polar or any combination of mental illness that runs in the family? My aunt tried to take her own life at 19, she was schizophrenic and also had bi-polar. She has to be medicated for life. You can tell him that you will always be there for him, no matter what. If he needs to talk, tell him you will listen and not judge him. We have all always been very stable. We've all lived in the same houses for years, and his mother has had the same boyfriend for about 5. We all get along and always have, my husband and I have even went out and partied with her and her boyfriend a few times and had a great time. As far as I know there is no mental illness on either side, the only thing I know from the therapy sessions is the doctor told my husband he is a very sad little boy, other than that I don't get any details. He left a note and the only thing my husband has said is that it was the most horrible thing he's ever read and it took him hours to get through it because of what it said. I always go in at the same time to give him something and tell him that I love him before I walk out. My husband gets off of work before his mom comes and goes and sits on the floor next to the chair. They both look out the window together, my husband always says he never knows what he's looking at. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 My husband and I got together 12 years ago, he brought a wonderful 3 year old with him. He was my buddy for about 10 of those years but now has done a 180. About a month ago he tried to take his own life, my husbands ex found him and rushed him to the Er. They told us any later and we would have lost him because he cut his wrists and lost a lot of blood. We signed a contract saying he would never be alone, since my husband and his mom work I watch him. I have no problem with it. He's my son too, he is in therapy and on meds. He doesn't speak to anyone, eat, and moves only to use to use the bathroom. He sits in the chair in our front room and looks out the window listening to his iPod. My 3 year old tries to play with him, but no luck he took him a book to read and he sat there. I leave him snacks that he'll eat if he doesn't think I'm watching. I gently brushed his hand and he flinched. He never looks at me either. The only time I've heard him speak was when he told his mother she should have left him a few weeks ago. Before he did it he cut off all his beautiful blonde hair with some scissors and cut his head. It's breaking my heart, he's my baby too, I love him. Can I help him? Can I let him know I care? Has he been tested for different mental health issues? Schizophrenia can make it's appearance in teen years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 Has he been tested for different mental health issues? Schizophrenia can make it's appearance in teen years. Yes, he has. He passed all the tests and checks out fine except he has depression. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Yes, he has. He passed all the tests and checks out fine except he has depression. Is he taking meds for depression and if so how long. It might take awhile to find the right medicine and dosage for there to be a marked difference. I am sorry that he is hurting so badly and that the adults in his life feel so helpless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 Is he taking meds for depression and if so how long. It might take awhile to find the right medicine and dosage for there to be a marked difference. I am sorry that he is hurting so badly and that the adults in his life feel so helpless. He's only been on them since he was discharged. Thank you, do you have any suggestions on what I can do to help him when he's with me? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 He's only been on them since he was discharged. Thank you, do you have any suggestions on what I can do to help him when he's with me? You have to give the meds time to work. Don't leave hm alone. The little things mean a lot. A smile, a touch(human contact is very important), words of love and care. Try to take his lead without allowing him to wallow. Watch him closely and if you see changes for the worse...contact the doctor immediately. Exercise is great. Go for short walks, work in the yard. I pray that you start to see some improvement soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Im sorry, but you guys are overlooking what is really wrong. This boy has a horrible problem and it seems to me its been brushed off. Things like this arent going to turn around someone who tried to kill themself at such a young age. Something is wrong and it has been for a while. Speaking as someone who tried to kill myself the first time at a young age....I am not brushing anything off. I have asked questions and presented some possible ways to help. I am not a professional(which she states this young man has seen) and I am more than certain there are some facts that we are not aware of and cannot fully offer anything other than an some small token of support. If you are able to give more pleas do..... as a child's life and those who love him are in jeopardy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) he is self-harming, much emotion then, so give him a chance to just tell you what's wrong in a safe setting, with acceptance, still might be a while til he wants to - until he has told you why, he's so distressed you have no idea, is he gay and nervous? bullied somewhere? self-harm? i have a friend who self-harmed for a while - and now she's a paramedic, fit as a fiddle real well Edited July 20, 2012 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 he is self-harming, much emotion then, so give him a chance to just tell you what's wrong in a safe setting, with acceptance, still might be a while til he wants to - until he has told you why, he's so distressed you have no idea, is he gay and nervous? bullied somewhere? self-harm? i have a friend who self-harmed for a while - and now she's a paramedic, fit as a fiddle real well I know that before he did it his girlfriend he had for years broke up with him and started seeing his best friend. The note he wrote did single out my husband for a lot of it. None of us (the adults know why) they have always been close, and we have always included him in our lives. He did sort of change after we had our son together but nothing drastic. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) Can I help him? Can I let him know I care? I'm glad you are concerned for your stepson's wellbeing. I think that the problem is too big and deep to solve on this forum, but I hope you're able to get as much insight as possible here. Your best bet is to work with a professional therapist and/or church pastor. Honestly, I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your own 3 y/o son. I think that your stepson is reminded on a daily basis that his father is deeply involved in a relationship with this 3 y/o and his mother. When he was 3, his father was not deeply involved in his life (I'm not placing blame on your H, but rather trying to see it from the teen's perspective). His father had "left" him and his mother, and may think there is something inherently wrong with him. Pair that with a young adolescent break-up, and you could have a "very sad boy", as was previously mentioned. Also, his mother has her own love life, and he must feel a bit left out in the cold. You had mentioned how the adults are are stable, but sometimes I don't think that stability is even the recipe for a healthy child...I think unconditional love is. Some people are kind of all over the place economically, geographically etc, but they focus all of their love and attention on their kids, and the kid picks up on that, and thrives. In some ways, I think that the adults in this scenario whet on with their lives, and thought that his young man, who is probably generally quiet and complacent, was doing just fine, as he wasn't flying off the handle or some miscreant. But all the while, your stepson was probably holding in feelings of hurt and rejection. You know your stepson better than any of us...what would be the absolute best way to give him the coping skills he needs to deal with life and it's disappointments? What would be the BEST way, in your opinion, to show him he is loved, wanted and worthy of others' affection? One last thing - PLEASE don't fall into the "cure the kid" mindset! This is a family system problem, and everyone has played a part. Therefore, everyone (especially the adults!) must do some soul searching, changing and maturing. Thank you for being a concerned parent. And I apologize for most likely jumping to conclusions... Edited July 21, 2012 by pie2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I know that before he did it his girlfriend he had for years broke up with him and started seeing his best friend. This sounds like the trigger that set him off. Puppy love and hormones are very powerful. Maybe the girlfriend accused him of being gay. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) The breakup alone couldn't be the issue. My dad's brother shot himself when he discovered this woman he was wildly in love with cheated on him. He shot himself right outside her window. I can understand the devastation of a breakup, but to kill yourself over it isn't normal. My mom suspects my late uncle had some sort of mental illness. Your stepson is 15, right? I think he's a bit young for a girlfriend, it seems having a emotional relationship is too difficult for him right now. How much time do you and your husband spend with him on average? Edited July 21, 2012 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 we have him weekends, when his mom goes out, and whenever he asks to come over. So we see him at least three times a week. He knows he's Always welcome here, at least I hope so... He has never really seen his mom and dad together. They broke up when he was about 6 months old after she shot down his proposal for the second time. I met him about a year later but we didn't really get involved until he was 3. I think he was going through a hard time before his girl friend dumped him, but that pushed him over the edge. Earlier I brushed his cheek with my hand, and he didn't pull away, but after I left the room I could hear him cry. Should I not have done that? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 we have him weekends, when his mom goes out, and whenever he asks to come over. So we see him at least three times a week. He knows he's Always welcome here, at least I hope so... He has never really seen his mom and dad together. They broke up when he was about 6 months old after she shot down his proposal for the second time. I met him about a year later but we didn't really get involved until he was 3. I think he was going through a hard time before his girl friend dumped him, but that pushed him over the edge. Earlier I brushed his cheek with my hand, and he didn't pull away, but after I left the room I could hear him cry. Should I not have done that? You did the right thing. Him crying is healthy. Being a zombie and redrawing from the world is not. Make yourself available for him at any time. That may mean that when he is ready to open up, you have to drop EVERYTHING to be there for him. Stay close to him. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Hmm is there something going on at the mother's home you aren't aware of? Sometimes depression is not always environmental, but hereditary. So even though you had a normal upbringing, anything could trigger it off. My husband has had it from time to time. This is probably a difficult time for your stepson, as a teenager and going through depression. You sound like a wonderful stepmom to him, you're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like he may be trying to isolate himself from everyone, if people are severely depressed, they try to convince themselves no one is there for them because it makes suicide easier. (Had a very traumatic childhood myself, so I am speaking from my own experiences). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 My husband and I both came up with a few things that could have happened at his mom's but quickly dismissed them because we know they wouldn't happen. She's a fantastic mom, and her boyfriend is also a great guy. We really can't figure out what's wrong... I just wish there was something I could do for him... I love my boys, him being unhappy makes me unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 How is your stepson SPfan? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 How is your stepson SPfan? We had a break through today!!! he came into the kitchen and saw my son eating a sandwich. Then he asked if I could make him one too, of course I didn't hesitate. It was great hearing his handsome voice again Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 We had a break through today!!! he came into the kitchen and saw my son eating a sandwich. Then he asked if I could make him one too, of course I didn't hesitate. It was great hearing his handsome voice again :bunny:Yeah! Now just a warning, be prepared for things to go backward (let's pray that won't happen)but just be prepared. Stay close, remember to touch, smile and observe so you are immediately aware if there needs to be intervention. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) Try finding things to do in the same room as him. Just being in the same room will send him a message that he's not alone. Talk to him, even if he is not talking back. Tell him about things going on, events you'd like to take him to, make it matter of fact, so that he can ease back into it like he did with the sandwhich. Don't make a big deal of anything but find ways to make life normal. Of course he's in therapy, right? Oh, and touching is good, usually. Don't make a big deal about it, but look for opportunities to just touch his hand or something. Edited July 25, 2012 by turnera 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 Things were going great, he wasn't really himself but did go sleep in his room during the day instead of just sitting in the chair. He also hugged me briefly out of the blue. However my husband did share something with me, the note he left does talk about how much he hates my son. Saying things like his life would have been better without him, and how spoiled he is, and that he doesn't deserve everything he gets and something that was just horrible. I don't know where he gets off talking about my baby like that, he has never done anything to him, he loves his big brother. He always tries to play with him, or talk to him and always wants to sit by him. I know it's horrible of me, but I don't want to take care of him anymore, I don't want him here with just my son and me. I cried when my husband told me about it. I want him to go somewhere else to be watched. I don't want him anywhere near my child or myself. I leave the room when he comes in because I don't want to blow up. I feel like a high school girl, but I'm so hurt I can't believe he'd say those types of things. Am I just Being a bitch? Is it normal to feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I don't know what to say. I guess I can understand how you'd feel that way, but I also can't stop feeling bad for someone so distraught that they'd rather die than go on. Did he say what caused the feelings he has for your son? Is it just jealousy, or was there something going on between them? Link to post Share on other sites
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