Wife's workplace emotional infidelity...

[Holyoak]

Thanks everyone.

 

Figuring I had nothing to loose, I did a very hard 180 about a week ago. Had her meet me at a local park where I flat out told her in a very serious, unemotional manner that I will divorce her if she does not do as I have asked... It was like watching an ice cube melt in Death Valley. She sobbed, wanted to talk, go over why she was wrong/her mistakes in the marriage, etc... I sat there completely detached, calm and cool, but sincerely listening, and actually felt OK with it. Have to admit, it felt very good and empowering to not allow my emotions to take over, and actually feel as though I have control of my life back, whatever happens.

 

I can see a lot of changes in her now, but not sure they are for the better. She now sleeps/tired a lot more, seems depressed, cries a lot (even at work talking with a female friend), and will leave being around me in a room (watching the news, etc) because "I feel like I am bothering you with me around", and mope off to the bedroom to lay down where I obviously don't follow her. From me; No sex, no touching, barely any initiated talk from me, no arguing, making myself appear confident (I feel it), new volunteer position to start next week, going fishing and not home around her... The 180 truly seems to work, at least for my/similar situation, and allows you to feel peace with the situation that you can not control or change.

 

I do have a question: She sent me an email asking if I would like to go out for dinner; is this OK under the 180? I ask because according to the 180 rules, #9 says:

 

Don't schedule dates together.

 

Does this mean you don't do anything that you both have planned/worked on together, or does it mean no dates/dinners/activities at all even if asked by the person being 180'd? I know the 180 is about me moving fwd with or w/o the spouse in a positive manner for myself, and simply want clarification of this rule... I figure it might be a nice chance to be in public, interact with others, and enjoy the experience for myself.

 

Thanks.

[imagine]

Hmm. I know that the 180 works. I would worry if the 180 were to continue in the relationship as it smacks of cutting out those moments of intimacy.

 

Trust has been broken in this relationship. Extraordinary precautions need to be exercised. Why don't you use this date to discuss the way forward?

[karnak]

Always the same mistake.

 

People need to learn once and for all that the "180" is not a magic formula that brings the wayward spouses back.

 

It seems to work at first because of the way human beings are emotionally wired. Your wife suddenly realizes that she has lost control over you. She already had plans concerning your and your life together, trust me. But, suddenly, your behavioural changes has made her plans sink.

 

Now she acts like a child who has been caught red-handed and is grounded. This kind of behaviour applies not only to cheating spouses but to all people who have been ousted out of a position of power.

As soon as things get back to "normal" and you forgive her or try to return to your previous lifestyle, her regular character will resurface and she'll return to her usual ways. Again, it's all human nature. It's like when a child swears he/she will never do a bad deed again. And, of course,they will, sooner or later.

 

The "180" is just something that allows you to regain your strength and coolness of mind. To detach yourself from all the emotional chaos around you. It helps you take control of your life and decide where do you want to go from here.

[Holyoak]

Wanted to give an update.

 

I tried to see if I could stick it out to be with/for my daughter, and my attorney said there was no real hurry because of my un-employment situation... Despite my best efforts to stick it out, my WW complete lack of remorse, continuation of "feelings" for POS, and general ****ty behavior toward me left me no choice... She is now my STBXWW, has been served papers, and DAMN is she pissed... Con$equence$ are not so much fun now are they bitch, and you were so clueless as to what the law says about what happens during divorce... Her quote was my lawyer and I were out to "screw the bitch".

 

Yeah, so sorry cruel, heartless, remorseless cheater; your choice is not going to be easy, or cheap, and my attorney is asking for the moon. I can't wait for this crap to be done, and get on with my life.

[standtall]

Holy..way to stick with it. You will be much, much happier in the long run,.

[Holyoak]

Holy..way to stick with it. You will be much, much happier in the long run,.

 

Thanks standtall; appreciate it!

[imagine]

Hi Holy,

 

How are you doing. Are you keeping busy?

[Holyoak]

Hi Holy,

 

How are you doing. Are you keeping busy?

 

OK I guess, thanks for asking. This entire crap situation not of my own making is very depressing, extremely draining, and makes me uneasy. My mind is keeping busy with all the crap and $$$$$$$ with the lawyers, and lots to consider with my "new" life. Huge hurtle is what to do job related. I have been very long term unemployed, and trying to figure where to move to restart, getting my own place, elderly sick mom by herself, concerns about poverty if the job search is unfruitful, and even how to get back in the groove and on my feet is difficult for me. I know I gotta do it, keep my head down, and try until it's done.

 

I have tried as best I can to go and do things I used to love, but now it almost feels forced, hollow, and not as much fun as before, but I'm sure in time that will change. I will say I must be giving off some sort of "single" vibe. Where before I put up such a high and thick wall of what seemed a very strong "not interested" around women because I was totally faithful to my wife, it now seems different. My STBXWW has told me I was blind/numb to other women's flirting, and I guess I was... I simply was so dedicated, committed, and in love with my wife that I never even felt or even recognized other women in any other way than friendly and professional.

 

A recent example was I went to open a second individual bank account, and the experience was interesting. The first teller I spoke with seemed flirty, and fun, and we talked for awhile while I waited for the VP of the branch to talk with me. For nearly 25 years I had not felt the feeling I was having; I felt confident, fun, outgoing, light, and cheerful. She was an army veteran like me, we had a very nice conversation, and she actually seemed interested in what I was saying and enjoyed it.

 

Later I met with the VP, and it was nice. She was 32, single, nice looking, and during chit-chat found out we have the same birthday, same major in college, similar thoughts on politics, events in the world, etc... Not trying to imply I'm Gods gift to women, but I was feeling a vibe that if I asked her out on a date, she would have said yes. When I left and reached out to shake her hand, she did, then wrapped her other hand around the shake in a way that felt more than just business? Maybe I am reading into it, maybe not. Not that I plan on doing anything rash, especially while I am legally married; just nice to think perhaps all of this soul crushing/self esteem killing **** I have been through since May, has not perhaps killed any/all my mojo after the divorce.

 

Ironic, but my STBXWW would flip out even after divorce if I "hooked up" quickly after divorce... I can plainly remember her saying "I want you to find someone who makes you happy, just hope they are not as pretty as me". She said she was kidding about the not as pretty bit, but I don't think so one bit... She is very, very attractive now, but like any 43 y/o man or women, time does what it does, and it never bothered me at all.

 

Thanks for staying through this long post if you did.

[karnak]

Ironic, but my STBXWW would flip out even after divorce if I "hooked up" quickly after divorce... I can plainly remember her saying "I want you to find someone who makes you happy, just hope they are not as pretty as me". She said she was kidding about the not as pretty bit, but I don't think so one bit...

 

 

Her comment just demonstrates what type of a selfish bitch she really is. If she were a decent, honest woman she would wish for you the kind of happiness she wished for herself.

 

As it is, she wants you to be happy. But less happy than her in the long run.

 

Whore. Good riddance.

 

Too bad about the wasted 23 years of your life, though.

Edited November 6, 2012 by karnak

[robf1971]

She is very, very attractive now, but like any 43 y/o man or women, time does what it does, and it never bothered me at all.

 

Indeed, wait for her to positively explode with rage if you meet a pretty, young mid 20's lady.

[imagine]

There are a few things that your WS may not aware of:

 

There is no turning back- divorce is final. This is a biblical concept- as is marriage.

 

Cordiality from ex may be only for the children sake.

 

Divorce splits common friends.

 

Women of her age get older -faster.

 

Nobody trusts an affair partner. Few marry, even less survive the marriage.

 

I do not know what the male/female ratio is in your area, but in mine (Cape Town) its 1:7.

 

Now if I were pro active I would read the articles at marriage builders regarding meeting a spouses emotional needs. I would practice these life changing techniques on your current wife. Do not expect an immediate response, but be assured that your behavior will put pressure on her OM.

 

More importantly, this exercise will prepare you for future relationships.

 

I wish you well!

[standtall]

 

 

 

Later I met with the VP, and it was nice. She was 32, single, nice looking, and during chit-chat found out we have the same birthday, same major in college, similar thoughts on politics, events in the world, etc... Not trying to imply I'm Gods gift to women, but I was feeling a vibe that if I asked her out on a date, she would have said yes. When I left and reached out to shake her hand, she did, then wrapped her other hand around the shake in a way that felt more than just business?

 

dude...file the papers and then go for it.

[Holyoak]

Thanks everyone.

Imagine: I have detached very well, and any attempts to R are a complete waste of time... She has no desire, or has done any effort at all to break away from A-hole at work, and that is that, it's OVER. Tells me she does not want to be married to me, and I'm not going to waste a second more with a completely unremorseful, hateful, childish, nasty selfish bitch... Tough words?; her actions and how she has treated me and my daughter since D-Day deserve MUCH harsher... She has gone so far off the reservation, she can just keep going.

 

Just tonight in another one of her many fits of histrionic rage, she left in a huff to drive away, yelling on the way out "I'm going to document this emotional abuse with my atty, and how you ran me out of the house"... Knock yourself out bitch, sorry when I saw the Gen. Petraeus story on the news and shook my head, you had to be an F'ing baby, and yell "that's it, I'm outta here"... Just keep on with the outta here, and get your own GD place already!

Standtall: When I met this bank VP gal, D papers had already been well served to my STBXWW. I would love to peruse her, but don't want to bring her into any relationship until I'm officially single, where it seems reboundy and could possibly hurt her... Just does not seem right to me, although it would be VERY nice to actually be around a kind women, who treats me with a modicum of respect, kindness, and interest... I feel soooo starved for a "normal" relationship with a good women.