I feel like a Boring Husband, Boring Dad

[gregumbrella]

Been with my Wife 10 years, married 7, we have a 6 year old.

 

I work two jobs so I work every single day, no days off unless I take a vacation day. Wife stays home with our Son.

 

In the hectic swing of things and our usual routine we've had sex less and less and don't get out just-the-two-of-us for dates. When we have, it's been My Wife that initiated it.

 

I feel like I get too caught up in work or my hobby which is Graphic Design. When I'm working, i'm unhappy, thinking about Art, trying things at work on the side, drawing, illustrating, wishing I had a better job so I didn't have to work on the weekends, I am unhappy yeah but who isn't?

I'm in a rut but I don't feel sorry for myself. BUT, I think i'm subconsiously being selfish about it.

 

But alas, I don't think about my Wife and that she'd probably like it if "I"

was the one who initiated a date or got a sitter and took her out. She and my Son go to a lot of fun things during the week while i'm at work, she's very involved with him and makes sure he gets to experience art, music, fun playtime, playdates, etc. I dont do any of that and I feel bad about it. Sometimes I can't think of anything for us to do together on my days off (because they've done so much during the week, activities, etc) and Wife ends up being the one to set the day. I feel bad about that.

 

I feel like a not-so-fun Dad and not-so-romantic Husband. I LOVE my wife.

I LOVE my Son and I want to be more than just a guy that puts food on the table and a roof over their heads.

[Els]

Honestly, I think you're doing the best you can. No reasonable person would expect that much of someone who is working two full-time jobs (I assume that's 80 hrs/week?). Has your wife expressed any sort of discontent? If she hasn't, she may well have accepted the way things are and is understanding of your plight, especially as you are doing all this to support the family.

 

However, if I were you I would do my best to make this stint a temporary one. Working 7 days a week is no way to live. What are you currently doing to try and get yourself out of this rut?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Sounds like a good ole fashioned kick in the ass is just the prescription you need. Let me oblige:

 

What do you want from us? Just come here to bellyache with an uninteresting 'woa-is-me-story'? Looking for sympathy for the mundane life you've chosen and continue to chose? You know the problem, you know the answer. Now go do it.

 

Your welcome, that will be a $10 co-pay.

[quankanne]

sounds like you're overwhelmed with things you've got to do, so you think about doing something relaxing or fun, but then are stymied when it actually comes time to do those things. Don't bash yourself, it's a very normal thing that's happening (kinda like me and cooking, I can dream up stuff, but when it comes down to actual cooking, my mind goes blank, LOL).

 

the good news is that both you and I have got spouses to bounce ideas off, folks who'll happily give input when we ask. The key, though, is to talk to them. In your case, when you get a free period, ask your sweet bride for ideas ~ she'll have a better idea of what is age-appropriate for your little one (does he like doing something particular? What are his interests? Will it tire him out? Do you have enough time to do X? That kind of thing) ~ and then draw up a list of fun "play-dates" for your little family. She'll appreciate being asked, you end up with some good ideas and everyone gets to have fun together.

 

mind you, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money or involve loads and loads of time if time is at a premium ... your goal is to create some good memories with your family, and that can be as simple as a midnight run to Sonic for ice cream or driving through the countryside and looking at all the stuff out there (or through a big city, if you live in the country).

 

the fact that you're willing to spend time with your family is a huge thing, my friend, because it says just how much you care about them. Not every person is like that, so I'd say your little family is very blessed.

[gregumbrella]

quankanne- It's so easy to just go with the flow and since My Wife always

comes up with kid friendly things she thinks are best for our Son, I let her pull the reins. But I know she would like me to come up with ideas too, chip in, help out, so it's just not her all the time. funny thing is, Sometimes I do come up with things but she doesn't like them ..."too Far" or "Naw, too hectic for kids" or "too Expensive". Oh Wife.. But she is a lot more plugged into the kid scene than I hanging with other stay at home moms on playdates.

 

Sounds like a good ole fashioned kick in the ass is just the prescription you need..

I needed a kick in the ass, thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.

 

 

However, if I were you I would do my best to make this stint a temporary one. Working 7 days a week is no way to live. What are you currently doing to try and get yourself out of this rut?

Great question. Currently, nothing. Ugh, I was putting lots of resume's out and looking and looking months ago but to no avail so I quit.

I have to make something happen though, I really do. That's why i'm here, to see myself through your thoughts/eyes. I really can't keep working like this, it's been a few years now. not good. Thanks

Edited July 19, 2012 by gregumbrella

[BetheButterfly]

Been with my Wife 10 years, married 7, we have a 6 year old.

 

I work two jobs so I work every single day, no days off unless I take a vacation day. Wife stays home with our Son.

 

In the hectic swing of things and our usual routine we've had sex less and less and don't get out just-the-two-of-us for dates. When we have, it's been My Wife that initiated it.

 

I feel like I get too caught up in work or my hobby which is Graphic Design. When I'm working, i'm unhappy, thinking about Art, trying things at work on the side, drawing, illustrating, wishing I had a better job so I didn't have to work on the weekends, I am unhappy yeah but who isn't?

I'm in a rut but I don't feel sorry for myself. BUT, I think i'm subconsiously being selfish about it.

 

But alas, I don't think about my Wife and that she'd probably like it if "I"

was the one who initiated a date or got a sitter and took her out. She and my Son go to a lot of fun things during the week while i'm at work, she's very involved with him and makes sure he gets to experience art, music, fun playtime, playdates, etc. I dont do any of that and I feel bad about it. Sometimes I can't think of anything for us to do together on my days off (because they've done so much during the week, activities, etc) and Wife ends up being the one to set the day. I feel bad about that.

 

I feel like a not-so-fun Dad and not-so-romantic Husband. I LOVE my wife.

I LOVE my Son and I want to be more than just a guy that puts food on the table and a roof over their heads.

 

I think it's good that you are honest with yourself, even though I disagree in that I don't think you're boring. It seems like you are a wonderful man and wonderful provider who needs some fun in his life too!!! You really need a day of "rest" where you can relax and go fishing or to the museum or park or wherever with your family!!! You really need at least 1 day off a week!!! Having the weekend off would be so much better.

 

Is there a way that you and your wife can discuss her taking on a job and you quitting one of your jobs? If possible, it'd be awesome if she could work part-time in order to help with the providing. How old is your son?

 

I really hope that you and her can figure out a way for you to be able to have fun instead of working everyday. I imagine that when you do that, you will be able to enjoy your work more. Being a graphic designer sounds like an awesome, fun job, but you need rest from it in order to truly enjoy it, I think.

[DaisyLeigh]

Maybe she should get a job and you not kill yourself working so much.

[M30USA]

Just out of curiosity, describe your wife a little.

 

1) Is she motivated, herself, as far as career and the marriage?

2) What were her parents like?

3) It sounds like she expects more from you and that's the reason you're venting--rather than you truly feeling you need to give more. Is this true? And if so, do you demand a lot from her?

[quankanne]

It's so easy to just go with the flow and since My Wife always

comes up with kid friendly things she thinks are best for our Son, I let her pull the reins.

 

I think you're missing my point: Talk it over with her way ahead of time and together come up with ideas. Even if she tends to have a bulk of the ideas, it's not "letting her take over," it's effectively communicating with her about what things to do together.

[GoodHubby]

I second the idea of her getting a job, something part tme in the evenings or weekend. This would then force you into a situation of having one on one time with your son. You'd find yourself quickly getting into a groove and being proactive about what you guys do.

 

One thing I've done for a few years is take each of my kids out by themself for special breakfast once a month. Thye have come to expect it.

[standtall]

Greg..I don't necessarily have a solution to fix your problem, but I can tell you some likely consequences if you continue on your path. Your wife and son will grow and move on without you.

[KathyM]

I agree with the posters above that your wife should get a job and you should quit your second job. Your son is now 6 years old and is going to school full time. Your wife has time now to get a job while the son is in school. Then you will have some free time--you both will--on weekends where you could spend time as a couple and as a family. You should establish a date night once a week and take turns planning what to do for it. If you need some good ideas on fun things to do for date night, then look it up on the internet. There are plenty of articles about that. Hire a babysitter or have a friend or relative come over for one night so the two of you can go out together. Plan an outing as a family for the weekend also so you enjoy family bonding as well. And last but not least, spice up your sex life--learn some new sexual techniques and try them out on your wife. Try some role playing, buy some sex toys to use on each other, some flavored lubricants, and make time for sex. There's a lot you can do, so start doing it, or you will find yourself as the outsider in this family without a close relationship with either your wife or your son.

[The Tallest One]

One of my best friends was in the exact same situation as you describe and the end result was not only him burning out, but lost wife and kids due to not being there in person enough! It sounds terrible to work so hard and so much for a family only to lose it cause you work too hard and too much!

 

Don't rely on her always coming up with things to do, it will wear her down and you must make time for your wife, I mean date nights, or else the spark will die and so will the marriage! Trust me, I'm alone and miserable and don't have a wife anymore and my kids live with there Mom and I miss them so much I can barely stand it!

[M30USA]

One of my best friends was in the exact same situation as you describe and the end result was not only him burning out, but lost wife and kids due to not being there in person enough! It sounds terrible to work so hard and so much for a family only to lose it cause you work too hard and too much!

 

Don't rely on her always coming up with things to do, it will wear her down and you must make time for your wife, I mean date nights, or else the spark will die and so will the marriage! Trust me, I'm alone and miserable and don't have a wife anymore and my kids live with there Mom and I miss them so much I can barely stand it!

 

Yep, as a husband if you do all the right things you will pay for it dearly in divorce court. All the years that you allowed your wife to stay at home with kids, all the years that you worked hard so she wouldn't have to...all comes back to bite you in the ass. Being born a man in American means you're screwed.

[CALOVELY]

Yep, as a husband if you do all the right things you will pay for it dearly in divorce court. All the years that you allowed your wife to stay at home with kids, all the years that you worked hard so she wouldn't have to...all comes back to bite you in the ass. Being born a man in American means you're screwed.

 

Yup because women who "are allowed" to stay home with kids don't work at all. They farm it out to fairies and elves who take care of it all. As for you being a dude in America, let me tune my violin before you continue. I won't continue to derail this thread for my own agenda as you obviously have.

 

OP, it sounds like you are an awesome guy. I do think that your wife should get a part time job at least to help defray expenses and that could help reduce your hours.

Edited July 23, 2012 by CALOVELY

[randomized]

It's tough out there for everyone. It doesn't sound like you're boring, and unless she's said something, it sounds like she probably understands.

 

It's great that you are willing to work that much so she can stay home with the kids.

 

Have you thought about looking for graphic design jobs?

 

ALSO, some food for thought...

 

I'm an insurance agent right now, and I take college classes online at night after work to finish my 2nd B.S in Accounting. I started in insurance about 2 years ago after being unemployed and frustrated with a fruitless job search. It's one of the best things I've ever done.

 

I've never been without a job for more than 2 days. It's a stable industry, and pays EXTREMELY well. And you work "normal business hours", which for me is 9-6 Mon-Fri. That would give you more time at home, and you could even take some graphic design courses, or have more time to keep it as a hobby.

 

It doesn't sound fun at first, but if you don't mind a little bit of competitiveness, and like working with people, you might want to think about getting your Property & Casualty License in your state.

[Robin-Jo]

Times are hard, I know this first hand. And when all you have time for iswork and no time for play, life gets very boring and fast.

 

You said you do graphic art... Well good you have a hobby that you can growinto. Maybe I can help. Look me up should you ever become interested on goingsomewhere with that skill. Baby steps can take you a long way.