I almost did it...

[almostdidit]

My story in a nutshell -

 

Male, 50 years old, married for 27 years. Two kids in low 20s, both out of the house at school. My wife is very loyal and I have been too throughout our marriage.

 

I had some pretty major health problems this past couple of years but am now in remission and feeling really good. One problem I had led to a total drop in testosterone to nearly nothing. Now with the help of daily drugs, my hormones are balanced out and my T level is over 600 -- meaning it is in the high end of normal range. I am in good physical shape and many have told me very young looking for my age.

 

So with my T level back to that of a healthy man, my sex drive has gone up dramatically. My wife happens to be going through her mid-life changes, putting her libido in the downward direction while mine has shot up (literally and figuratively... ). But she has been dutifully trying to keep our sex life alive this past year by indulging me on a weekly basis. Honestly, that's not bad in terms of frequency, but she doesn't have an authentic drive or physical desire for me. It takes her a long time to warm up and then her window of receptiveness if brief. Although she still 'finishes' just fine, she has a hard time keeping up with me.

 

So this is where 'I almost did it' -

 

I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!

 

Then yesterday, I had a moment of clarity. I was thinking about my kids, how they would think of me if I cheated on their mom. Thinking about my wife, and how heartbroken she would be if I did it. And I began realizing that this little curiosity was becoming an obsession, so I sent the would-be OW an email and gently said, "it is over." She and I went back and forth a couple of times in emails and I explained that I just have to get back down to earth.

 

She said she was shocked and asked why I was being so abrupt. I said I just realized that my T levels were like a magic spell on me, and I was not thinking with the 'right head' so to speak. I told her I wanted to end it before it became physical and deeper emotionally, so I did. I politely told her I was sorry for using her to indulge my apparent need for an ego feed, admitted I was a dirtbag for entertaining the idea of an affair and dragging her along, and we said goodbye. I then deleted my gmail account.

 

Today I feel a little sad and guilty, but now when I look at my innocent and unknowing wife, I feel proud and happy that I stopped. I will not tell her of this because it would only cause pain, but I am so glad I came to my senses. I feel a sense of renewed commitment, and I will make the best of my once-a-week love sessions with my half-interested wife. Who by the way, is even hotter than the woman I was tempted by. Really!

 

So there you go - I only came to this site AFTER I cut the cord and ran a search about infidelity. I read several threads today and feel so completely reinforced in my feelings of certainty that I stopped in the nick of time.

 

Now - I just have to keep in mind that the darn T can really screw with a man's mind. If I have to find alternative ways to ease my powerful sex drive, then so be it, but it won't be with another person..

[BetrayedH]

My story in a nutshell -

 

Male, 50 years old, married for 27 years. Two kids in low 20s, both out of the house at school. My wife is very loyal and I have been too throughout our marriage.

 

I had some pretty major health problems this past couple of years but am now in remission and feeling really good. One problem I had led to a total drop in testosterone to nearly nothing. Now with the help of daily drugs, my hormones are balanced out and my T level is over 600 -- meaning it is in the high end of normal range. I am in good physical shape and many have told me very young looking for my age.

 

So with my T level back to that of a healthy man, my sex drive has gone up dramatically. My wife happens to be going through her mid-life changes, putting her libido in the downward direction while mine has shot up (literally and figuratively... ). But she has been dutifully trying to keep our sex life alive this past year by indulging me on a weekly basis. Honestly, that's not bad in terms of frequency, but she doesn't have an authentic drive or physical desire for me. It takes her a long time to warm up and then her window of receptiveness if brief. Although she still 'finishes' just fine, she has a hard time keeping up with me.

 

So this is where 'I almost did it' -

 

I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!

 

Then yesterday, I had a moment of clarity. I was thinking about my kids, how they would think of me if I cheated on their mom. Thinking about my wife, and how heartbroken she would be if I did it. And I began realizing that this little curiosity was becoming an obsession, so I sent the would-be OW an email and gently said, "it is over." She and I went back and forth a couple of times in emails and I explained that I just have to get back down to earth.

 

She said she was shocked and asked why I was being so abrupt. I said I just realized that my T levels were like a magic spell on me, and I was not thinking with the 'right head' so to speak. I told her I wanted to end it before it became physical and deeper emotionally, so I did. I politely told her I was sorry for using her to indulge my apparent need for an ego feed, admitted I was a dirtbag for entertaining the idea of an affair and dragging her along, and we said goodbye. I then deleted my gmail account.

 

Today I feel a little sad and guilty, but now when I look at my innocent and unknowing wife, I feel proud and happy that I stopped. I will not tell her of this because it would only cause pain, but I am so glad I came to my senses. I feel a sense of renewed commitment, and I will make the best of my once-a-week love sessions with my half-interested wife. Who by the way, is even hotter than the woman I was tempted by. Really!

 

So there you go - I only came to this site AFTER I cut the cord and ran a search about infidelity. I read several threads today and feel so completely reinforced in my feelings of certainty that I stopped in the nick of time.

 

Now - I just have to keep in mind that the darn T can really screw with a man's mind. If I have to find alternative ways to ease my powerful sex drive, then so be it, but it won't be with another person..

 

I'm glad you stopped, really I am. However, you have had an emotional affair in the middle of your marriage to a good woman and now you are going to continue your selfish behavior by not telling her. Perhaps you are looking for validation that you've done the right thing but the reality is that you've just started. Your wife has ditifully had disinterested sex with you because of her commitment to you and he marriage. She has a wonderful vision of a wonderful man to whom she has dedicated the rest of her life.

 

It's too bad she doesn't know that she is living a lie. Her choices have been taken away from her. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about the rest of her life (no small investment). And all you seem to be worried about is using her once a week for sex.

 

What kind of marriage is this if it is based on a lie? She will be adoring you and doing things for you for years to come without ever knowing you had shared the most emotionally intimate parts of your life with another woman. Ao will you lie to her for the rest of your life? Will you try to take this to the grave?

 

Your post makes it sound like you are happy with yourself. What the hell are you happy about? You have ruined your marriage and don't even have the courage to admit it to your betrayed wife. I think you better stick around for a while and figure out how to live an authentic life.

 

By the way, you're not sparing your wife pain; you are sparing yourself pain. You should admit this to yourself.

[Furious]

I just want to say that you've shown a lot of courage and introspection and did the right thing, for you, your wife and your family.

 

You really dodged a bullet there...you could have destroyed the life you've built over all those years.

 

I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Talk about what she needs and what you need. Don't stop there...you have the chance to make your marriage better than ever. You can bring that spark back into your love life. Make tiime for each other, go out, go dancing, take weekend trips...etc...find that intimacy again.

 

Best of luck

[pteromom]

I think you did the right thing, and DON'T think you should tell your wife that you thought about an affair. Why hurt her when nothing happened? Delete all the texts, emails, and anything else that connects you to your old lover, and move forward.

 

BUT -

 

Rather than just settling for once-a-week sex with your half-interested wife, you should put some energy into figuring out how to make things better.

 

You need to talk to your wife about why she isn't interested. Whether there is anything you could do to make her more interested.

 

Romance her a little. Take her to a hotel for the weekend, even if it is in your city. Bring her some flowers. Offer her lots of non-sexual touching and friendship. Joke around with her and flirt with her.

 

Good for you for re-committing. Don't stop there.

[almostdidit]

I think BetryedH is over-reacting. Nothing intimate was shared, only silly chit chat and some childish flirting.

 

I do see how my post appears to be focused on the sex with my wife - but believe me, that isn't the point. I was only saying that because I realized that I was mentally tempted to go have sex somewhere else for the sake of doing it, and I'd never been driven to do that before. So naturally I looked at my current relationship and thought, 'hmmm... there must be a gap here...' But ultimately, I realized there is no gap. There was only a high level of T flowing through my veins that hadn't been there in years, and it makes a person feel very different than when it wasn't there. Almost kind of crazy in a way. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

 

So have you never had a fantasy at any level of being with another? Really?? I admit it was wrong to secretly communicate with another, but I never professed emotion for that person. I only called it an EA on here because I thought that was the best way to describe our frequent emails. Emails about what we remembered from a long time ago, people, places, etc. Really nothing about current life was shared.

 

I loved no other. I screwed no other. Thankfully I recognized the childish behavior I was engaging in with the emails, and then chose to stop. I know I did the wrong thing by contacting that person, but I also know I did the right thing by stopping before any love of any kind was shared.

 

It was shallow, stupid chatting that ultimately has to be called flirting and I don't believe that means that I am now living a lie or that my wife was stripped of choices. I believe that it saves unnecessary pain on both of our parts for me to recognize privately what was happening, correct my course, and recommit with heart, body and soul.

 

I recognized the spell I was under was largely driven by suddenly having a 60x higher level of testosterone in my system. 60 times greater. That is a huge difference and if you were ever a teen with hormones raging, you would know it really can mess with you - especially if you are 50. And once I recognized what silliness I was involved with, I stopped. And I do feel good about it.

 

I appreciate the other responses. A little more clarification -

 

My wife is half-interested in sex because of her mid-life hormonal changes she is going through. That is also very normal for a woman of 50. And she and I both know that sex in a marriage is necessary for huge varieties of reasons, so she trudges onward.

[BetrayedH]

I think BetryedH is over-reacting. Nothing intimate was shared, only silly chit chat and some childish flirting.

 

I do see how my post appears to be focused on the sex with my wife - but believe me, that isn't the point. I was only saying that because I realized that I was mentally tempted to go have sex somewhere else for the sake of doing it, and I'd never been driven to do that before. So naturally I looked at my current relationship and thought, 'hmmm... there must be a gap here...' But ultimately, I realized there is no gap. There was only a high level of T flowing through my veins that hadn't been there in years, and it makes a person feel very different than when it wasn't there. Almost kind of crazy in a way. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

 

So have you never had a fantasy at any level of being with another? Really?? I admit it was wrong to secretly communicate with another, but I never professed emotion for that person. I only called it an EA on here because I thought that was the best way to describe our frequent emails. Emails about what we remembered from a long time ago, people, places, etc. Really nothing about current life was shared.

 

I loved no other. I screwed no other. Thankfully I recognized the childish behavior I was engaging in with the emails, and then chose to stop. I know I did the wrong thing by contacting that person, but I also know I did the right thing by stopping before any love of any kind was shared.

 

It was shallow, stupid chatting that ultimately has to be called flirting and I don't believe that means that I am now living a lie or that my wife was stripped of choices. I believe that it saves unnecessary pain on both of our parts for me to recognize privately what was happening, correct my course, and recommit with heart, body and soul.

 

I recognized the spell I was under was largely driven by suddenly having a 60x higher level of testosterone in my system. 60 times greater. That is a huge difference and if you were ever a teen with hormones raging, you would know it really can mess with you - especially if you are 50. And once I recognized what silliness I was involved with, I stopped. And I do feel good about it.

 

I appreciate the other responses. A little more clarification -

 

My wife is half-interested in sex because of her mid-life hormonal changes she is going through. That is also very normal for a woman of 50. And she and I both know that sex in a marriage is necessary for huge varieties of reasons, so she trudges onward.

 

"Only silly chit-chat and some childish flirting. Just a lot of testosterone. Emails about what we remembered from a long time ago, people, places, etc. Really nothing about current life was shared. It was shallow, stupid chatting."

 

Ok then, why lie about it? Somehow I think if your wife knew the truth, if she read all of your innocent correspondence, she might feel differently. Apparently you agree or you wouldn't hide it from her. If it is so defensible, why don't you go ahead and own it? Or are you too much of a coward to be truthful? Seems to be your pattern.

[pteromom]

My wife is half-interested in sex because of her mid-life hormonal changes she is going through. That is also very normal for a woman of 50. And she and I both know that sex in a marriage is necessary for huge varieties of reasons, so she trudges onward.

 

I know - I am almost at that age myself. And I also know what my husband does has a direct impact on how turned on I am. Just something to think about. Don't say "It's just her hormones and I have no control in the situation" because you do!

 

As far as the other response, just remember that people see posts on here through their own filters, and what they say may have nothing to do with your reality. Consider what is said, determine if it has any relevance to you or if you can learn anything from it, then accept or reject it.

 

[BetrayedH]

I think she would be especially forgiving since you were under a "spell."

[2sunny]

Time to get honest with your W and tell her that something's been missing in the M enough for you to CONSIDER hurting her.

 

Blaming YOUR ACTIONS on your T levels isn't right! YOU need totals responsibility for HOW YOU PARTICIPATED!

[2sunny]

I think BetryedH is over-reacting. Nothing intimate was shared, only silly chit chat and some childish flirting.

 

I do see how my post appears to be focused on the sex with my wife - but believe me, that isn't the point. I was only saying that because I realized that I was mentally tempted to go have sex somewhere else for the sake of doing it, and I'd never been driven to do that before. So naturally I looked at my current relationship and thought, 'hmmm... there must be a gap here...' But ultimately, I realized there is no gap. There was only a high level of T flowing through my veins that hadn't been there in years, and it makes a person feel very different than when it wasn't there. Almost kind of crazy in a way. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

 

So have you never had a fantasy at any level of being with another? Really?? I admit it was wrong to secretly communicate with another, but I never professed emotion for that person. I only called it an EA on here because I thought that was the best way to describe our frequent emails. Emails about what we remembered from a long time ago, people, places, etc. Really nothing about current life was shared.

 

I loved no other. I screwed no other. Thankfully I recognized the childish behavior I was engaging in with the emails, and then chose to stop. I know I did the wrong thing by contacting that person, but I also know I did the right thing by stopping before any love of any kind was shared.

 

It was shallow, stupid chatting that ultimately has to be called flirting and I don't believe that means that I am now living a lie or that my wife was stripped of choices. I believe that it saves unnecessary pain on both of our parts for me to recognize privately what was happening, correct my course, and recommit with heart, body and soul.

 

I recognized the spell I was under was largely driven by suddenly having a 60x higher level of testosterone in my system. 60 times greater. That is a huge difference and if you were ever a teen with hormones raging, you would know it really can mess with you - especially if you are 50. And once I recognized what silliness I was involved with, I stopped. And I do feel good about it.

 

I appreciate the other responses. A little more clarification -

 

My wife is half-interested in sex because of her mid-life hormonal changes she is going through. That is also very normal for a woman of 50. And she and I both know that sex in a marriage is necessary for huge varieties of reasons, so she trudges onward.

 

Lots of EXCUSES for what actually needs fixing.

 

How can your wife know - when she doesn't know? She can't! And it's not right to NOT TELL HER.

 

She deserves your honesty!

[BetrayedH]

"I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!"

 

I have a feeling that if your wife read this, she might be tempted to make some choices. Those choices about the rest of her life (in light of what you have written above) are the ones you're depriving her of and they are only being stolen from her to protect yourself. Is she not adult enough to make he own choices? Why do you get to make this one for her? Can she not handle the truth? You must handle it for her?

[Spark1111]

Well, call me stupid,but I think there are many available hormone replacement therapies for menopausal women.

 

You know you did the right thing, but when you had cancer were you a sexy stud? Who took care of you then? I assume your wife did for YEARS.

 

Do you think your ex-lover would have seemed so enamored to chat you up in the middle or end of your cancer treatment? Didn't you lose your sex drive due to chemicals and treatments?

 

Would she have taken care of you and your home and family day in and day out as you suffered through your disease?

 

Don't think so, bud.

 

So now you are fit, healthy and testosterone driven and you call up an ex-lover from many years ago?

 

Only you can figure out why, after all your wife did for you, that you needed to do that.

 

Glad you stopped the association, but WHY oh WHY did you call that woman from long ago up at all?

 

THAT has nothing to do with love, or sex, or commitment.

 

That was all about your own ego, and I for one, am not going to applaud you deciding to be a good boy at the last moment.

 

Grow up, studly.

[Spark1111]

"I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!"

 

I have a feeling that if your wife read this, she might be tempted to make some choices. Those choices about the rest of her life (in light of what you have written above) are the ones you're depriving her of and they are only being stolen from her to protect yourself. Is she not adult enough to make he own choices? Why do you get to make this one for her? Can she not handle the truth? You must handle it for her?

 

hey, she too can go on hormone replacement therapy, hit the gym, look 30 again and find some lover from long ago to send her pics and feed her b##sh$t, call it off at the last minute and never, ever tell him how she planned to meet him four hours away for sex.

 

THAT's A LOT of talking, and flirting, and sexting and planning, but hey, her H had cancer and could ONLY do it once a week.

[2sunny]

I wonder who was supposed to be attending to YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS while YOU had cancer and couldn't please ALL HER NEEDS?

 

Did that justify her need to cheat on you? Probably not.

 

Why do you beta hall pass to hurt herjustbecauseyou want to blame it on your hormones? YOU lack character - THAT'S why did this!

 

Tell your wife what you've done - she deserves to know what integrity you are lacking.

[BetrayedH]

hey, she too can go on hormone replacement therapy, hit the gym, look 30 again and find some lover from long ago to send her pics and feed her b##sh$t, call it off at the last minute and never, ever tell him how she planned to meet him four hours away for sex.

 

THAT's A LOT of talking, and flirting, and sexting and planning, but hey, her H had cancer and could ONLY do it once a week.

 

My gut says that if the original poster caught his wife doing these things, the word "silly" might be left out of his vocabulary.

[Furious]

I agree with Spark and BerayedH, you are downplaying your emotional affair and using your T levels as an excuse.

 

While what you did was right by ending the emotional affair before it became physical, you must own that was an emotional affair, and the truth of why you did what you did.

[2sunny]

Stop relying on hormone levels or middle age for no sex excuses!

 

I'm 50 - my sex drive has never been higher!

 

IF she's not into you - it may actually be you... Not the hormones other age. Ever think of that?

 

You two need honesty! And counseling!

[GLDheart]

...admitted I was a dirtbag...

 

You said it. Just amend that that "I was" to an "I am" and you can then move forward owning your poor choice. Once you have paid your price for betraying your wife's love than maybe someday you can say "I was"... but not yet.

[Steen719]

Well.....my situation is most likely more extreme than yours, but similar. My XH was quite ill for some time, had to quit work and ultimately we moved temporarily for his transplant. Guess who took care of everything during all of this? That's right, me. I took care of our bills (pretty difficult with one less income), the house, his health care, including 3 hospitalizations, my son's college expenses and filing petitions to try to get financial aid for my son, filed SS for my H and countless other things. After the successful transplant and moving back home, I worked almost constantly to pay our bills. Guess how I was repaid for this? XH found his old girlfriend on facebook. The rest is crap history like yours. It makes me sick to read your post. Good Lord man, you want a pat on the back for making the right decision?

 

Your wife trudges on? Give me a freaking break. You, sir, are selfish and motivated by the need to have reassurance that you are a good person for not having sex with this old girlfriend when your wife has been faithful all these years and stood by you through your illness. IMO, you are more than lucky to have her. How about this? Why don't you do some things to make her want you more? Find out what she needs for a change and quit thinking that you are such a prize that she should be happy to have. YOU should be grateful to have her.

 

That was all about your own ego, and I for one, am not going to applaud you deciding to be a good boy at the last moment.

 

Grow up, studly.

 

Ditto for me.

[2sunny]

You used another woman for selfish reasons. That's terrible! You asked her to send pictures! What did you do with her pictures?

 

What if your adoring wife was doing these things behind YOUR back - how would YOU like it? How would you like a man sending pictures of his penis to your wife?

 

Think of how your actions affect others! You are selfish and self serving!

 

Your wife deserves to know that you participated in betrayal to her!!! Yes, you did!

[eeyore1981]

You used another woman for selfish reasons. That's terrible! You asked her to send pictures! What did you do with her pictures?

 

What if your adoring wife was doing these things behind YOUR back - how would YOU like it? How would you like a man sending pictures of his penis to your wife?

 

Think of how your actions affect others! You are selfish and self serving!

 

Your wife deserves to know that you participated in betrayal to her!!! Yes, you did!

 

BBM

 

Well, maybe she did. He said he had no libido for several years, maybe HER T-levels made HER crazy for those years she was taking care of him and maybe she was feeling all lusty and raring to go and found her husband lacking, so maybe she looked up an old lover and had lots of texting and talking and emails and plans to hook up. Maybe she even did, and maybe that's why she's just 'trudging along' now, not because she's going through the change, but because her thoughts and lust lie elsewhere...

 

Of course, OP will never know, because it's just some silly thing that isn't worth mentioning....

 

Too bad so many husbands are under the mistaken impression their wives needs are met and they get all the fulfillment they need out of life by taking care of their husband's needs, like that's all women are good for.

[2sunny]

BBM

 

Well, maybe she did. He said he had no libido for several years, maybe HER T-levels made HER crazy for those years she was taking care of him and maybe she was feeling all lusty and raring to go and found her husband lacking, so maybe she looked up an old lover and had lots of texting and talking and emails and plans to hook up. Maybe she even did, and maybe that's why she's just 'trudging along' now, not because she's going through the change, but because her thoughts and lust lie elsewhere...

 

Of course, OP will never know, because it's just some silly thing that isn't worth mentioning....

 

Too bad so many husbands are under the mistaken impression their wives needs are met and they get all the fulfillment they need out of life by taking care of their husband's needs, like that's all women are good for.

 

Ahahaha, maybe she has!

 

It would certainly require the OP to check his big ego...

[frozensprouts]

OP,

 

i know it seems like you're being given a bit of a hard time, but I really do think most people who responded are trying to encourage you to look at your actions and do some introspective thinking.

 

You really did have an emotional affair with this other woman. It seems like you sought out contact with her with the intention ( perhaps even subconsciously) that you wanted to have an affair. While it's very, very good that you never took it to a physical level, the fact is that an emotional affair can be just as hurtful.

 

Some things to think about...

 

did you seek out this woman with the sole purpose of having an affair with her, or was it more of "curiosity" thing?

 

do yu recognize the point where it became more than just friendly back and forth and became an emotional affair? This is really important, as knowing when you've crossed a boundary can be really helpful in not doing it again...

 

are you sure that it really is just the increase in testosterone that caused this? I'm not saying it didn't play a part, but was there more going on? You'd been through a very stressful event in your life ( illness) and going through a stressful time in one's life is often when cheating like this seems to occur.

 

I know that you feel that it is simply the increase in testosterone that caused this, and maybe you are right...I don't know. I'm just asking that you really look at the situation to see if maybe there was more going on than just that. Was your wife doing something/not doing something that maybe made you a bit resentful of her? After your illness were you, in a vague kind of way dissatisfied with your life and maybe were wondering if there was something more out there? Some people, after recovering from a severe illness or traumatic life event can go a little "off the deep end"...do you think maybe this happened to you? Were there always issues in your marriage that maybe have been put on the back burner for a while and they resurfaced? Is it possible that there were some issues , and when combined with the high testosterone levels, you "went off the rails"?

 

I'm asking because if there was more going on than just the testosterone issue, it's important that be acknowledged and dealt with so that this won't happen again. Telling your wife about your feelings is key to this, as if there is a problem in your marriage, it's almost impossible to rectify it alone with no input/help from your wife.

 

Not trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but you say that she was there for you, now it's time for you to be there for her by being honest with her.There is a very practical reason for that besides the things I mentioned above. If she fins out in some other way than you telling her about your contact with this other woman, you may well kill any sense of trust she has in you and she may never be able to look at you the same way again. If you are upfront and honest with her, you can build on that...she may be hurt y your actions, but it can be a starting point for some positive changes in your marriage, not only for you, but her as well.

 

If you feel it really is just the testosterone, have you considered telling you doctor about it? Maybe the dosage level is too high.

 

I hope this helps a bit, and that you and your wife are able to work through this and have a long and happy time together:)

[almostdidit]

Well, that is a lot to digest.

 

Yes - I am a dirtbag for having contacted that woman and for having secret communicaton with her. It was not intimate by my definition in any way; truly, it was trivial remember-whens mixed with a few what-are-you-doing-nows. The photos were two fully clothed snapshots standing in an office that were taken by a coworker at some recent event they had. No naked parts.

 

Yes, I did go through a lot of trauma with my health, including two very intense and life-threatening/risky surgeries. And yes, my wife was by my side and got me through it all.

 

I agree also that all of my behavior was ego-driven and selfish. I've always been 100% committed to our family and put them first in all of my decisions, so whether this internet forum knows it or believes it, it was really out of character for me.

 

My wife has always has been lower in the libido than me, but has always told me I am a very giving and attentive lover. She has expressed guilt about not being there enough for me and not being as selfless in bed as me. And she has never had any 'frustrations' when we do ML, its just that the spirit doesn't move her as much as me throughout our entire marriage. There have been periods where we have had some pretty significant stress over that issue. Even thought about going to counseling over it because it was causing so much stress, but we never did. Simple fact is that some people want to do it more often than others; and just because someone wants it less than the other doesn't mean the other is lousy. Men and women have different needs when it comes to intimacy, and even people that love each other and that are not cheating on each other can be pretty far apart on that issue.

 

So for me to have done this weird and wrong thing is hard for me to understand. I do think it was subconsciously a way to feed my ego and make me feel desirable. A way to fill some sort of needy gap to make me feel like I could be lusted after. I don't know why and it was so out of line for me, so I thought maybe it was this huge influx of testosterone that was behind it. I did some reading last night and founds lots of stories out there by men who have had similar inexplicable changes in personality and behaviors when their T levels are restored. But go ahead, call me an excuse maker.

 

I've tried to be really honest on here - and think I have been very introspective throughout this situation.

 

Some of you guys really crucifying me for not telling her, and based on at least one of the nicknames, I think that must be because you were not told about something. Well - my situation is not yours. And I didn't say or evenly remotely feel that I loved someone else, let alone screw someone else. I got caught up in an impulsive action, let it go too far, recognized this is not who I am, and stopped. I think I should and will suffer with this knowing that I did something I should not have. I will suffer with it whether I tell her or not.

 

So maybe I posted on here as a way to put myself out there for some whipping around by internet strangers, or maybe I put it on here because I thought some other guy who may be close to doing something terrible and stupid will read it, learn, see himself, and stop.

 

Thanks for everyone's honesty even though I think some of you are going too far with your assumptions about me.

[frozensprouts]

your first post...

 

.

 

 

So this is where 'I almost did it' -

 

I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!

 

Then yesterday, I had a moment of clarity. I was thinking about my kids, how they would think of me if I cheated on their mom. Thinking about my wife, and how heartbroken she would be if I did it. And I began realizing that this little curiosity was becoming an obsession, so I sent the would-be OW an email and gently said, "it is over." She and I went back and forth a couple of times in emails and I explained that I just have to get back down to earth.

 

 

subsequent response post from you :

 

Yes - I am a dirtbag for having contacted that woman and for having secret communicaton with her. It was not intimate by my definition in any way; truly, it was trivial remember-whens mixed with a few what-are-you-doing-nows. The photos were two fully clothed snapshots standing in an office that were taken by a coworker at some recent event they had. No naked parts

 

these two things don't sound the same to me...and if your emailing back and forth was innocent and trivial, then why the need to set up secret email accounts, etc.? Why the scheming ( even if just in your own head) to carry it to the next level and have a physical affair with her? Why was this other lady upset when you ended it? If it was just a friendship, on would think that, given the explanation that you were afraid of it going to far and having a negative impact on you, she'd understand.

 

 

It seems more like the intent of the relationship, in the beginning, was to have it secret (you set it up that way) ...why , if it was innocent, was there this need for secrecy?

 

Not trying to argue, but rather asking some questions...