I almost did it...

[BetrayedH]

Some of the people on here beating you up are some of the kindest people on Earth. But they are also some of the wisest when it comes to the subject of infidelity. Whether you realize it or not, we are direct with you because that is what both you and your wife need. You have avoided conflict previously in your marriage, the conflict was not resolved, and instead of resolving it, your chose a route that avoided conflict again. You may have temporarily avoided the physical affair, but you have not remotely resolved the underlying problem (which is not the sex but your inability to effective confront and resolve the issue). You chose a cowardly/conflict-avoidant route and your failure to disclose is the same route. You now have a HUGE wall between you and your wife and you are choosing the leave it there (convincing yourself that you are the martyr by suffering the knowledge on your own).

 

What will benefit you the most is learning how to live an authentic life. Your M can survive the exposure of your flaws; in fact, I think you'd be very surprised at how you can reconnect when you both realize you had taken your marriage for granted when it needed to be nurtured. If you want intimacy with your wife, be intimate with her. Show her your warts and scars and be vulnerable to her. Open up and be honest and apologetic and ask to fix your marriage. Right now you haven't learned the lesson you needed to learn. You're just patting yourself on the back for dodging a bullet. But you are the one that bought the gun, loaded it, removed the safety and aimed it at your wife. You didn't pull the trigger. Good. What the hell are you doing standing there with a gun aimed at your wife?

 

You have to understand why you are conflict-avoidant, why you drove right thru a bunch of stop signs deliberately. You didn't accidentally set up a secret email account. These were conscious choices.

 

I am not saying you are a bad person. But you need to own your bad choices. And if you don't learn your lesson, you are bound to repeat this behavior in the future. Face it, let your wife see it, and start to live an authentic life that has value (rather than keeping up this wall between you).

[almostdidit]

I know those two things you pointed out above sound different, but I think I am correct in saying it was never intimate. It was secret from the beginning, so no it was not innocent. I don't think I ever said it was innocent - if I did, I was wrong to say so.

 

Let's be clear about this, I did set it up to be secret from the beginning because I knew it was wrong no matter how you package it. I think deep down the whole intent started as, 'I wonder if she would remember me and find me interesting and attractive after all of these years, - and then when I say it rapidly evolved into an EA, what I mean is - she and I sent about 25 emails back and forth over the course of a month. We actually only talked on the phone once, and we had about 3 text chat sessions online. Nothing sexual in any of it. When I say I was thinking about her a lot, a lot of it was from a perspective of confusion - like, 'why and I having emails with this person who doesn't even really know me anymore?' It was also apparent that I was starting to look forward to the emails, but I was never pining for her in any way. Then there were a few times when I thought, maybe I can figure out a way to go and do what was becoming more obvious to me what was behind it - something superficial and physical. I was not wanting an email pal.

 

None of that is not normal or acceptable behavior so I called it an EA. What else it could be? But eventually and before I went and did it, I caught myself and regrouped.

 

She was shocked because as abruptly as I showed up I bowed out. It had to weird to her, but she was certainly egging me on all along. She knows why I said I'm outta here, and that was a form of rejection to her.

 

You are right, I am a coward about owning my bad choices. I want to 'get away with it' without hurting her. I never should have done it and now I regret it terribly. But I still can't see how it is best to tell her. I can correct my course, never follow that urge again if I have it, and resume my priorities in life.

 

I remember a couple of times in the distant past when we were out somewhere and I would see a strikingly beautiful woman. I made the classic man-mistake of saying something out loud like, 'Wow, that woman is beautiful.' Even though my wife knew I was just noticing and not trying to go sleep with the woman, it was a stupid thing to say out loud. But the couple of times I did that, she said something to the effect of, 'You know... we all see beautiful people out there and there's nothing wrong with noticing, everybody does... but maybe some things are better left unsaid.'

 

In her family communication dynamic - which is programmed into a person when they are young - it was always, don't talk about uncomfortable things and avoid conflict. It would drive me crazy at times. Yet I've learned that this is her recipe and I will NEVER be able to change it - try as I have. I know - you are thinking 'WHAT?? HER?? IT'S YOU!!' But believe it or not, I've always been the one who wants to talk everything to death and she really doesn't like that. Maybe you can tell by my posts I am an open communicator?

 

So there is another reason I feel like I shouldn't talk about it. It is taboo in a way for her. Sometimes she likes things to work out without talking them out. In this case, maybe that is best. Nobody has a text-book perfect relationship where everything is always ok to say out loud or divulge to the other. I believe sometimes more harm than good can come of that.

 

Funny how the more we are with someone the more we become like them, at least in some ways.

 

So you win - I am a flawed and screwed up person, but I am trying to own it within parameters of safety. I will do my best to learn from it and never repeat it. But I will also do what I can to protect her from the flawed side of me when I can.

[BetrayedH]

For wha it's worth, I do credit you for stopping before this turned into something truly traumatic. Once they go down this road, few seem to stop. You also seem to have had decent fundamentals in your marriage up to this point. You've also had the courage to own up to at least an anonymous forum, perhaps to dig further. And I credit you with coming back here considering the lashing that came your way. I have no interest in "winning" anything by guilting you to death.

 

All that said, that month needs to be a huge red flag and a wake up call to you. Just saying, whew, boy that testosterone is some nasty stuff really doesn't address what got you here.

 

I recommend you get into some individual counseling to dig further into what is going on with you that took you down this path or you may be destined to repeat it and it typically goes along with some rewriting of your marital history. Something along the lines of, "You know, here I am attracted to someone else outside of my marriage again. There must be something wrong with my marriage. I'm not happy. And now that I think about it, I haven't really been happy for years. I really deserve to be happy and to do something for myself. What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. I wish she could just find that sex drive that she used to have. She really just doesn't desire me anymore. I'll just take care of this on my own and see if, in the meantime, I can rededicate myself to my marriage and get her interested in me again."

 

It happens.

 

Instead, what I envision for you is counseling to help you figure out what it is within you that chose (albeit temporaily) a very destructive path rather than either fixing your marriage or leaving it. Then find the courage to tell your wife that you have done some serious soul searching, nearly made a tragic mistake in reconnecting with an old flame and realized how much you want to grow your marriage and stay with her forever. I can almost guarantee that she has had some of the same internal conflict over the lack of real intimacy. That is ehat is showing in her somewhat disgruntled lovemaking with you. Women will have fantasic sex with a man they are emotionally connected to. That disconnect is what is showing here. Reconnecting means being vulnerable, showing her that she is valued, and opening up even your ugliest side to her.

 

If she is also conflict avoidant, marriage counseling can be a safe environment to share.

 

If this is not your path, what solution do you have? It seems you are wanting to return to what was the status quo. If that didn't work before, how will it work now? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Use this red flag as a wake up call to change it up. My recommendation is to get honest. I think the result may very well surprise you.

 

One thing Inhave been hesitant to share with you is that even couples that have experienced the worst in terms of infidelity experience something called hysterical bonding. Look it up. It is VERY common. Both parties suddenly realize what they are potentialy losing and make new dramatic efforts to reconnect and I mean sexually. It is powerful stuff. I don't recommend using your brief EA to get there but I can tell you that betrayed spouses rarely just up and leave. It is very normal for them to try to repair a marriage that they didn't know was at risk and to reclaim what is theirs (meaning your ass). I honestly think that is the more likely result of you getting honest rather than whatever nightmare scenario you envision in your head.

 

Regardless, good luck to you. It's my sincere hope that you restore a real and healthy marriage for both you and your wife.

[Steen719]

So you win - I am a flawed and screwed up person, but I am trying to own it within parameters of safety. I will do my best to learn from it and never repeat it. But I will also do what I can to protect her from the flawed side of me when I can.

 

There is no way I can or cannot win in your situation and I don't have any way of knowing if it is right or not for you to tell her. You will make that decision and live with whatever choice it is.

 

We all come here from a different perspective, but most of us have been hurt and some of us have felt despondent at least for a moment about our situations. The pain that we have felt and still feel (some of us, in varying degrees) drives the way we look at situations that are brought here. No one has called you terrible, but many have tried to tell you how THEY felt about what happened to them and to get you to see what might have made a difference. I can understand you being a little defensive. Hearing the truth about us is sometimes not pleasant and this is all of us; not just you or one person in particular. I have discovered some things about myself that have been difficult to meet eye to eye, but eventually, I am doing so.

 

My reason for answering your post was that I was in a similar situation to yours and I was the wife who stood by no matter what. I don't want to rehash my story and there are some differences that make it a different story, but I am here to tell you that the betrayal would have hurt at any time, but after caring for him during his illness, etc. and then being betrayed was almost more than I could bear. Was I perfect in our 22 year marriage? No, absolutely not. Did I deserve what I got? Absolutely not. Did it make me feel better to know that? Not at the time.

 

You are trying to understand and you did not go further. Good. Who knows if you will in the future? However, if you have any kind of thought that just because you did not have a physical relationship with this old gf, your situation is different from someone who did, you might be surprised to know that sometimes an EA is more destructive.

 

Anyway, I thought it might help you to know what it felt like to be in your wife's situation, but I don't think that is where the interest lies.

[frozensprouts]

have you taken a lot at the threads started by some of the "wayward husbands" on here ( RickFixx is one, I believe thomasb is another, there rea others)...

 

reading their threads may provide you with some "food for thought" about what happened with you, as well as what you might want to do next to bring improvements to your marriage

[almostdidit]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Especially BetrayedH. You've hit me the hardest yet made the most positive impact in doing so.

 

I have a lot to think about.

[2sunny]

Startby getting into counseling.

 

And find out how to get your hormones back in balance so you're not so focused on getting laid or the need to feed your ego.

 

In counseling - address your ego that's too big - big enough to consider hurting those you love.

[Spark1111]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Especially BetrayedH. You've hit me the hardest yet made the most positive impact in doing so.

 

I have a lot to think about.

 

If I hit too hard, I apologize. Your sitch struck a cord of pain for me.

 

My H had been ill with severe back pain, legal addiction to pain meds, and five long years or medical hell and sporadic employment before the trigger for very extensive and high risk spinal surgery was pulled.

 

During those years, I did everything to keep hearth and home over our family's heads, and feeling compassionate towards him, distanced myself emotionally from him. I had to PRETEND to be strong to get all of us through his ordeal.

 

I did not want to burden him with my burdens as I thought how unfair to man in pain, depressed and on drugs.

 

But my resentment, which I expressed to no one, grew, and grew, and grew, and I stuffed it. All the concern, attention, conversations became about my poor H. There is no support group for those of us who tend to disabled or ill spouses FOR YEARS, but there SHOULD BE.

 

When the operations was a success, and he eventually was weaned off meds, grew strong and healthy, and received a high-pressured, well paying, position, I thought I/we had turned a corner.

 

He crashed into her at the new job, and had an affair for almost two years.

Not knowing much of his past, she thought he was wonderful and under appreciated by me. It started out a fun flirtation with a co-worker who had no clue what we had all just been through, and on some level, he needed that.

 

Look, I was exhausted from his illness, somewhat depressed, and a lot resentful for all the burdens I had to bear alone. My mistake was thinking it would be selfish to speak to him of it.

 

BH, makes some great points. A woman connected emotionally to her man wants to be sexual with him.

 

Could your wife have been stuffing her feelings, like I did? Whenever I heard my H proclaim how he recovered from his broken back, I cringed.

 

That was OUR broken back; our five years of hell; our time of trial and exhaustion and meds and treatment.

 

Your wife may benefit from IC also, and the two of you from MC too. I think feelings have been stuffed by both of you as you overcame your health issues.

 

Start, start talking about it all.

 

Good luck to you.

[almostdidit]

Startby getting into counseling.

 

And find out how to get your hormones back in balance so you're not so focused on getting laid or the need to feed your ego.

 

In counseling - address your ego that's too big - big enough to consider hurting those you love.

 

Thanks for at least some recognition here that hormones affect one's life, mindset, and behaviors.

 

Funny you perceive that my ego is so large. We are complicated beings, and what I have found is usually those that appear to have the biggest egos are actually the most insecure. And I have some insecurities that go back to my childhood. Don't forget, as we age, we only become more of who we are. And who we are is defined very early in life.

 

And to Spark who said this, "BH, makes some great points. A woman connected emotionally to her man wants to be sexual with him." I never said my wife never wants to be sexual with me. She does and is - it's just not an equal match to what I've wanted and that can be frustrating. Middle-aged hormonal changes have real effects on women's libido. It is a biological fact, one that she has researched, understands, and explained to me. And her doctor is working with her to bring some balance back.

 

And FWIW, I never speak of my recovery without telling whomever I am speaking to that my wife was by my side the whole time, getting me through everything in as tireless and selfless manner that is humanly possible.

Edited July 20, 2012 by almostdidit
added one more thing...

[2sunny]

It seems from what you've described - that your "intimacy" is lacking with your wife.

 

I only stated to tell her to BUILD intimacy (by being honest).

 

Other ways YOU can help HER get "in the mood" and find sex MORE intense is to CONNECT with HER mentally and emotionally before any physical interaction begins.

 

How often do YOU lock EYES while you two converse? Do you study her face? Her expressions? Her WHOLE being? SHE should be ABLE to recognize that YOU are taking all of her in! Every little detail of HER! Get INTO HER! You know, the way a man gets INTO a gal he's dating!

 

Listen to her, respond to what she says,INTERACT with her, laugh and giggle with her! THEN reach in at random moments to touch her playfully! Be thoughtful, give sincere compliments on her good characteristics and qualities!

 

Women love a man who makes her FEEL better than she IS!

 

Show the LOVE other every chance you get! You two need to get RECONNECTED mentally and emotionally! A woman's orgasm is MOSTLY MENTAL! I'm serious!

 

 

Sound like something you can do today?

[almostdidit]

It seems from what you've described - that your "intimacy" is lacking with your wife.

 

I only stated to tell her to BUILD intimacy (by being honest).

 

Other ways YOU can help HER get "in the mood" and find sex MORE intense is to CONNECT with HER mentally and emotionally before any physical interaction begins.

 

How often do YOU lock EYES while you two converse? Do you study her face? Her expressions? Her WHOLE being? SHE should be ABLE to recognize that YOU are taking all of her in! Every little detail of HER! Get INTO HER! You know, the way a man gets INTO a gal he's dating!

 

Listen to her, respond to what she says,INTERACT with her, laugh and giggle with her! THEN reach in at random moments to touch her playfully! Be thoughtful, give sincere compliments on her good characteristics and qualities!

 

Women love a man who makes her FEEL better than she IS!

 

Show the LOVE other every chance you get! You two need to get RECONNECTED mentally and emotionally! A woman's orgasm is MOSTLY MENTAL! I'm serious!

 

 

Sound like something you can do today?

 

I guess it will be hard for you to believe after all of this, but I have no reason to lie here. She ALWAYS has an orgasm when we make love. Always. There have been times its been harder for me to follow, because of her brief window of receptiveness (physically). But not once in 30 years has she been left hanging. So we do connect, and I do get what you are saying. Its just a matter of how frequently we do it that I am not satisfied with - not how intense.

 

Thanks.

[2sunny]

I guess it will be hard for you to believe after all of this, but I have no reason to lie here. She ALWAYS has an orgasm when we make love. Always. There have been times its been harder for me to follow, because of her brief window of receptiveness (physically). But not once in 30 years has she been left hanging. So we do connect, and I do get what you are saying. Its just a matter of how frequently we do it that I am not satisfied with - not how intense.

 

Thanks.

 

You are completely missing my point!

 

Sex isn't ONLY about having an ORGASM dude!

 

I can have an orgasm with ANY man - but the one who CONNECTS TO ME emotionally and mentally and spiritually as if I am one and the same as him - is the one who makes ME want to jump his bones!

 

THEN and ONLY then - am I willing to do all sorts of crazy things that make sex FUN!!! Exciting!!! And a TOTAL MIND BLOWING ADVENTURE!!!

 

You fully stated your wife isn't THAT into it - so stop thinking sex is so great - sex isn't great - its the connection that makes it THE ULTIMATe!

 

Work on connecting with her dude!

[2sunny]

Sounds like you approach sex much as a task. Like pushing a button so the alarm goes off... That's just the sex part!

 

I'm talking about building INTIMACY WITH YOUR WIFE!

 

When you look into her eyes - you should be capable of seeing her soul.

 

If you aren't KNOWING ALL of her on THATDEEP LEVEL - you have much work to do and learn.

[whichwayisup]

Focus on sensual. massages, cuddling, kissing and making her feel good - Not always focussing on the big O and having sex. Go kinky (tickle her with a feather, not the whole chicken!) and have fun. Make her feel special, loved and adored. Run a bath and take one together. Be intimate, hold hands, without it leading to physical sex - Unless SHE intiates it. Just try it, you'll be shocked with results in the future. Her needs are different than yours, gotta give and compromise - Both ways!

 

Hope this helps!

[almostdidit]

You are completely missing my point!

 

Sex isn't ONLY about having an ORGASM dude!

 

I can have an orgasm with ANY man - but the one who CONNECTS TO ME emotionally and mentally and spiritually as if I am one and the same as him - is the one who makes ME want to jump his bones!

 

THEN and ONLY then - am I willing to do all sorts of crazy things that make sex FUN!!! Exciting!!! And a TOTAL MIND BLOWING ADVENTURE!!!

 

You fully stated your wife isn't THAT into it - so stop thinking sex is so great - sex isn't great - its the connection that makes it THE ULTIMATe!

 

Work on connecting with her dude!

 

*sigh*... I'm not missing your point, you are missing mine. I get it. And sex, intimacy, and all the intertwining of the two are not concepts that I fail to understand or employ in my life.

 

You are just reading too much into the few words I am willing to type. I know you are trying to help, but you should also be cautious about thinking you can fully understand me or my relationship by these few paragraphs.

 

I don't have a problem connecting in an intimate way with my wife. She is just on a different biological schedule. But when she is there, she is there and in the same way that you describe so emphatically, as am I.

 

So anyway - I appreciate the intent, but seriously folks, I'm not a mechanical orgasm producing piece of ice.

 

The larger issue was my mid-life crisis-like, predictably shallow and stupid behavior that was extra fueled by hormones. That I reigned in just in time, and prevented total meltdown. I am already feeling so much more present than I was a month ago, and my wife and I are reaping the benefits.

[datura_noir]

I'm going to give you a break here, based on what you posted. You are an honorable man; and I am sure your marriage will thrive from now on. Humans are weak at times, and you only reacted to your fantasies. Take it out on your wife.

Talk about it in the future; it really does wonders!

[Steadfast]

It's a slippery slope from interest and flirting to falling into it OP. IMO, some here are over reacting, but many of these posters have great instincts.

 

I'll let you mull over what you did and why, but consider the other side. A good rule is not taking anything from the marriage you're not willing to give. I'd wager good money a visit from one of your wife's old boyfriends would send you sideways. Especially if she found him attractive and thought...

 

The Golden Rule certainly is golden. That's a good place to start. And finish.

[2sunny]

*sigh*... I'm not missing your point, you are missing mine. I get it. And sex, intimacy, and all the intertwining of the two are not concepts that I fail to understand or employ in my life.

 

You are just reading too much into the few words I am willing to type. I know you are trying to help, but you should also be cautious about thinking you can fully understand me or my relationship by these few paragraphs.

 

I don't have a problem connecting in an intimate way with my wife. She is just on a different biological schedule. But when she is there, she is there and in the same way that you describe so emphatically, as am I.

 

So anyway - I appreciate the intent, but seriously folks, I'm not a mechanical orgasm producing piece of ice.

 

The larger issue was my mid-life crisis-like, predictably shallow and stupid behavior that was extra fueled by hormones. That I reigned in just in time, and prevented total meltdown. I am already feeling so much more present than I was a month ago, and my wife and I are reaping the benefits.

 

Why not try mixing things up? Get creative... Present surprises... For your wife to have the possibility of becoming a woman who wants and desires sex more often.

 

Boring, same kind of sex is predictable - yawn...

 

Even a gal that's been married a long time wants spice and variety. What do YOU do for her that keeps her interest? Maybe she just gets bored? Maybe she's not telling you?

 

Don't presume she wouldn't tell you - just be sure and do new things so you can try and reignight her level of lusting after you.

 

A TRULY interested wife will definitely desire sex often. It's worth changing things up for a while to see if YOU can invoke some changes for her.

 

Yes? No?

[Just_A_Poster]

Geez, some of the women are frighteningly militant in their demands in this thread. I AM a woman and I'm embarrassed by the over-the-top nonsense I'm reading here.

 

THERAPY???? Get therapy simply he was TEMPTED???

 

He's a MAN, everyone! He's NOT perfect! He's NOT a demi-God!! He was given to temptation - like ALL people are from time to time!!! It's human nature for God's sake, and now he's some kind of whack job that needs to sit on a shrink's couch to figure out WHY he was tempted? Are you KIDDING me??

 

Give me a friggen break.

 

Some of the posters in this thread are acting as if the OP dragged their mothers out into the public square and hung her from the gallows!

 

Take it down a few freakin' notches. This is so ridiculously over the top that my head is about to explode.

[2sunny]

He certainly was tempted... But acted upon that... Then made a conscious CHOICE to risk his M and family and future.

 

That wasn't an accident.

 

I'm quite surprised that one would dismiss such specific actions as merely nothing.

 

It involved SECRECY... Secrecy KILLS the connection and intimacy in a M, yet that was his CHOICE.

 

Yes, he ended it when it started to get real. But the fact is - he still took that risk. That is what he needs to work on.

 

And I don't ever think learning MORE about ourselves is ever an over reaction.

[BetrayedH]

Geez, some of the women are frighteningly militant in their demands in this thread. I AM a woman and I'm embarrassed by the over-the-top nonsense I'm reading here.

 

THERAPY???? Get therapy simply he was TEMPTED???

 

He's a MAN, everyone! He's NOT perfect! He's NOT a demi-God!! He was given to temptation - like ALL people are from time to time!!! It's human nature for God's sake, and now he's some kind of whack job that needs to sit on a shrink's couch to figure out WHY he was tempted? Are you KIDDING me??

 

Give me a friggen break.

 

Some of the posters in this thread are acting as if the OP dragged their mothers out into the public square and hung her from the gallows!

 

Take it down a few freakin' notches. This is so ridiculously over the top that my head is about to explode.

 

Those who fail to understand history are destined to repeat it. Something needs to change or the OP will find himself going right back to his undisclosed email account and going down this road again. Nothing wrong with a therapist helping him to delve deeper into why he chose this route rather than a healthy one. But it appears that he will choose the avoidance route yet again by not disclosing to his W. No accountability, no consequences - couple that with no introspection and a wife that doesn't know she needs to be fighting for her marriage or making serious choices about her life - give it a few months and this cycle will repeat itself because nothing has been solved.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

is it possible that there was a certain element of "it's just fantasy, not real life since it's over the internet"( from what i understand, this is really common), and that when you realized it was going too far, you stopped?

 

if that is the case, do you know what is was that made you stop? do you think you could do it again? if it is the testosterone, have you spoken to your doctor about it to see if the level may need an adjustment?

[almostdidit]

I find the comments that came in over the weekend to be very interesting.

 

Sunny thinks I need sex therapy and have no clue about how to keep it interesting, fresh, intimate and real with my wife who will tell you any day it is me who does all of these things. I think Sunny finds it impossible to believe that a man can be intimate and loving with his wife AND find himself attracted/tempted by a fantasy. The two can coexist because we are not one-dimensional. Also - how old are you sunny? Have you been through the change? And if you did and didn't find it to be disruptive to your libido, are you at least aware that it does for the vast majority of women? Something tells me you are in your 20s or 30s, but maybe I'm wrong.

 

No introspection. Really??? After everything I've posted here which is only the tip of my introspective iceberg that I've been lugging around - I have no introspection?!?

 

Just a poster thins you are all way over the top and over-reacting. I think I am somewhere in the middle on this one - I think it was a significant event, but really she makes some damn good points, I was in many ways using an internet forum for a confessional about how I 'almostdidit' - not how I 'justdidit.'

 

Anyway - my wife and I had a great weekend. We went on a date where we spent the evening together just visiting over a glass of wine at an outdoor cafe on Friday night, and went to a friend's birthday party on Saturday night. Both nights ended up with us being quite intimate and both nights were initiated by my wife who said how she always loves it once she makes the decision to pursue it even though her hormones don't give her the feeling of need.

 

And I've decided now these things - I am not telling her about my email almost-fling that never became intimate in any way nor did it become physical.

 

I am not going to therapy because I cannot afford it with two kids in college and some of the medical expenses we have hanging over us.

 

What I am going to do is continue connecting with and loving my wife with everything I've got, look forward to the day that her hormones are rebalanced, and I'll prove you naysayers wrong. This history will not repeat itself because it led me to SO MUCH introspection that I doggone therapied my own-self... Yes, it is still a work in progress.

 

And to frozensprouts - you are a kind and fair person. I've appreciated your many comments that show that. Yes, I am going to let my doc know that I've had glimpses of teenage lust and perhaps a bit over the top libido going on, so we can tweak my prescription a bit down.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Good 4 you on breaking it off on your own. Good first step.

 

I agree total honesty is in order. Why did you post here? Probably to just let it out right? You should do that with your wife, bare your soul to her. It will make you that much closer. If she found out without you telling her it would be that much worse...all the same things if it were a PA. I heard someone say that when a woman has an affair, the first question the man asks is, "Do you f*** her? but when a man has an affair the first question asked by the BW is "Did you love her?". You had an EA.

 

If you want your wife to realize the enormity of the situation and what's she's up against...tell her the truth, not just that you "aren't happy". It's much more serious than that.

[2sunny]

Lol - I'm not in my 20's. I'm in my 50's.

 

And I know the value of a spouse being honest no matter what.

 

The dishonesty kills the marriage.

 

You may have stopped ---> but remember you also started and continued contact with the other gal.

 

Your wife may still find out - and your dishonesty will kill any chance of having trust involved in your M.