I almost did it...

[Furious]

 

Some of you women on here are so naive

 

Well guess what?!? I DO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE AND A HAPPY WIFE, BUT I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON.

 

So suck it - I'm done trying to talk reason with you jaded angry people.

 

 

It seems you'd like your wife to remain naive.

If she were to read your thread, i'm sure you would no longer have that happy life and happy wife.

[Bailey14]

We're not all jaded.....I admire you and I think your wife is a very lucky lady.

[BetrayedH]

I looked up an old lover from shortly before I became engaged. I found her online, contacted her, and then set up a secret gmail account and we corresponded for about a month. It was rapidly evolving into an EA, and I was starting to think about her a lot. I was even scheming on how I could travel to her city (about 4 hours away) on a business trip and turn the EA into a PA. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and started chatting in gmail fairly regularly. She is unattached.

 

She sent me some recent photos - and I have to admit - she is still very attractive, very fit, and well, quite young looking and really sexy!

 

If your wife read this, she would not care that I took it out of context. She would not care about your T levels or that you managed not to cheat one time when your buddies were doing it. I also question if she would continue to rate you as a great husband. But you go right ahead and hide it from her. She can keep you on that pedestal just like you like it and provide you with some great sex.

 

I get that you're not perfect. Part of adjusting for that is coming clean and apologizing, not getting defensive with those that tell you that you should.

Edited July 31, 2012 by BetrayedH

[2sunny]

What would you want - a medal for stopping the flirting when YOU KNOW it would hurt your wife IF she found out?

 

Just think IF your W had done this - and you were kept in the dark...

 

The M could be growing stronger IF she were allowed your truth - but she has no idea there is a weak link in your M - therefore - it can't grow stronger since she doesn't have the specifics of you being tempted.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Almost, if you're still reading...

 

I was the WS who earlier suggested some IC. After reading more of your story, I still stand by that, because I see a bit of a possible parallel between my story and what yours could become:

 

When I first starting talking to xOM, it was through email and chat. We met once. Then it ended, on his side, and I was like...I'm done with this. I didn't do anything too bad, everything was okay. So what if I just talked to some other guy? I was still a good wife, I didn't go all the way. H will never know. I was NC with xOM and it was done.

 

Then, six months later, xOM and I started talking again and this time it went physical. This, from the person who thought she was done and over it. This, from the person who thought she was a good wife. Nope, not only did I get sucked back in, I took it to the next level.

 

I'm suggesting IC to you because I wish I had talked to someone after the first time I talked to xOM and it ended. I wish I had tried to figure out the true whys for me (and I will admit that sex was a factor in me originally talking to xOM, so that "men want sex" argument does not float with me, women want sex too). I feel that if I'd examined myself THEN, addressed those issues THEN, then maybe I would not have made the terrible choices I did later.

 

I'm not saying that you will definitely walk down that path again...but by being more prepared, it will make you stronger and better equipped to handle issues within yourself and your marriage positively without thinking of looking elsewhere.

 

And I'm not angry or jaded...I'm just offering this from someone whose stood in your shoes, and trying to help.

 

Thanks,

B

[almostdidit]

Hi Almost, if you're still reading...

 

I was the WS who earlier suggested some IC. After reading more of your story, I still stand by that, because I see a bit of a possible parallel between my story and what yours could become:

 

When I first starting talking to xOM, it was through email and chat. We met once. Then it ended, on his side, and I was like...I'm done with this. I didn't do anything too bad, everything was okay. So what if I just talked to some other guy? I was still a good wife, I didn't go all the way. H will never know. I was NC with xOM and it was done.

 

Then, six months later, xOM and I started talking again and this time it went physical. This, from the person who thought she was done and over it. This, from the person who thought she was a good wife. Nope, not only did I get sucked back in, I took it to the next level.

 

I'm suggesting IC to you because I wish I had talked to someone after the first time I talked to xOM and it ended. I wish I had tried to figure out the true whys for me (and I will admit that sex was a factor in me originally talking to xOM, so that "men want sex" argument does not float with me, women want sex too). I feel that if I'd examined myself THEN, addressed those issues THEN, then maybe I would not have made the terrible choices I did later.

 

I'm not saying that you will definitely walk down that path again...but by being more prepared, it will make you stronger and better equipped to handle issues within yourself and your marriage positively without thinking of looking elsewhere.

 

And I'm not angry or jaded...I'm just offering this from someone whose stood in your shoes, and trying to help.

 

Thanks,

B

 

Thanks for your post. Your experience base lends a lot of credibility to your advice. And you evidently aren't on a mission to see others take steps that will all but guarantee their relationship's demise. Around here, that is refreshing.

 

I think IC is a good idea and could probably help me with a lot of things.

[Bittersweetie]

Of course the current and former cheaters who continue to keep their spouses in the dark in order to protect their own arse aren't going to advise you to confess. I wouldn't call that "refreshing" advice however.

 

Just like other cheaters will tell you that your wife is "lucky" to have you.

 

IC is a great idea. Then you can gather up the courage to tell your wife what you did.

 

Hi Alice,

 

I'm not sure if you saw my earlier posts or know my history...I am all for honesty. My H knows everything I did: I told him. We are 2.5 years into reconciliation. I was offering Almost advice from the place I was at that time, when I thought hiding things was okay and it would be fine. Now I know it wasn't, far from it.

 

And I agree with you, IC first to not only work through the whys but to prepare to tell his wife the truth.

 

Thanks,

B

[almostdidit]

Of course the current and former cheaters who continue to keep their spouses in the dark in order to protect their own arse aren't going to advise you to confess. I wouldn't call that "refreshing" advice however.

 

Just like other cheaters will tell you that your wife is "lucky" to have you.

 

IC is a great idea. Then you can gather up the courage to tell your wife what you did.

 

Hmmm... my how thou doth protest. Seems like you imagined that comment was aimed at you?

 

You are so presumptuous to characterize my decades of marriage and overall character by these events that occurred only in the past month. You know what? My wife and I ARE lucky to have each other. Certainly we have had problems and will learn and grow from them, but your self-righteous BS (that one isn't from this forum's list of acronyms) is wearing thin.

 

And you weren't even on target when you tried to insult the other poster. Try actually reading her post first before you open your next can of vitriol.

 

I'd do more than 'roll my eyes' at you if the symbol that I'm thinking of was present in the little smiley face column...

[2sunny]

Hmmm... my how thou doth protest. Seems like you imagined that comment was aimed at you?

 

You are so presumptuous to characterize my decades of marriage and overall character by these events that occurred only in the past month. You know what? My wife and I ARE lucky to have each other. Certainly we have had problems and will learn and grow from them, but your self-righteous BS (that one isn't from this forum's list of acronyms) is wearing thin.

 

And you weren't even on target when you tried to insult the other poster. Try actually reading her post first before you open your next can of vitriol.

 

I'd do more than 'roll my eyes' at you if the symbol that I'm thinking of was present in the little smiley face column...

 

So suck it - I'm done trying to talk reason with you jaded angry people.

 

 

The M aside - I think you could benefit in counseling by addressing your anger issues.

[almostdidit]

The M aside - I think you could benefit in counseling by addressing your anger issues.

 

Yeah - you got it right there sunny.

 

People roll their eyes at the notion that a person deserves to be valued by their spouse, they wash them over with general characterizations based on the details of one set of circumstances - knowing absolutely nothing about the depth of that person or their relationship, they presume to know everything about a person's ability to be intimate or even how to make love to their spouse (sound familiar missy?), and when all of this happens, they are just suppose to say, 'oh thank you for your wise counseling and constructive criticism...'

 

I can't imagine how someone could get annoyed with such presumption, arrogance, judgmental self-importance, and self-righteousness. Can you?

 

Boy am I screwed up - better run off to IC and fix me quick for getting angry.

 

As of now - I am deleting my account here. You guys have at it. Strange little world you've created here folks.

[BetrayedH]

Boy, he was sure remorseful. At least it looks like he's taking a hard introspective look at himself to correct what led him down that path. Whew. Rest assured he'll never so that again. He learned a hard lesson with all those consequences. He's going to suffer a long time knowing that his wife will never know. He's taking it all on himself. A true martyr. Wish we could have gotten to know him better. I am sad.

[Spark1111]

Boy, he was sure remorseful. At least it looks like he's taking a hard introspective look at himself to correct what led him down that path. Whew. Rest assured he'll never so that again. He learned a hard lesson with all those consequences. He's going to suffer a long time knowing that his wife will never know. He's taking it all on himself. A true martyr. Wish we could have gotten to know him better. I am sad.

 

What is that line?

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them think?

 

I think so many of us were bristling at that arrogant, self-serving tone. It sounded eerily familiar. Voices of ghosts from the past.

 

And why, oh why, do so many want blue ribbons for remaining faithful and monogamous?

 

And lastly, women grow bored, or feel neglected, and like the attention of strangers also.

[BetrayedH]

What is that line?

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them think?

 

I think so many of us were bristling at that arrogant, self-serving tone. It sounded eerily familiar. Voices of ghosts from the past.

 

And why, oh why, do so many want blue ribbons for remaining faithful and monogamous?

 

And lastly, women grow bored, or feel neglected, and like the attention of strangers also.

 

An appropriate line for this situation.

 

I think what frustrated me was that he appeared to have a brief epiphany about the EA and it created some hope that he would disclose. I really saw that as an opportunity for a true reconciliation and a much healthier marriage. What he had going for him was that he had the benefit of the affair not having gone physical and that he could have disclosed it himself (which dramatically increases/doubles his chances of his wife staying). Betrayed spouses are so much more forgiving (loyal to their vows?) than waywards give us credit for. Soooo much opportunity for him as compared to the stories we see here. But it fizzled out. All that opportunity squandered. Now he is left with the same sham of a marriage and with a scoff at IC to boot. What a waste.

 

I even get the whole being angry at other posters thing (read: hydra). Some people are just plain rude and thus, ineffective. I'm wondering if I am getting to be that way. But in the end I heard so little in terms of remorse, no commitment to honesty in the marriage going forward, then a bunch of anger mixed in with claims about what a "great husband" he is. Really? I think his wife deserves to be the judge of that. But no, we'll just lie to her and fix the marriage. What?

 

Frustrating.

Edited August 2, 2012 by BetrayedH

[2sunny]

Yeah - you got it right there sunny.

 

People roll their eyes at the notion that a person deserves to be valued by their spouse, they wash them over with general characterizations based on the details of one set of circumstances - knowing absolutely nothing about the depth of that person or their relationship, they presume to know everything about a person's ability to be intimate or even how to make love to their spouse (sound familiar missy?), and when all of this happens, they are just suppose to say, 'oh thank you for your wise counseling and constructive criticism...'

 

I can't imagine how someone could get annoyed with such presumption, arrogance, judgmental self-importance, and self-righteousness. Can you?

 

Boy am I screwed up - better run off to IC and fix me quick for getting angry.

 

As of now - I am deleting my account here. You guys have at it. Strange little world you've created here folks.

 

I see you have this all figured out now. Ahaha

 

But the evidence remains - you were TEMPTED - yes we tried to expand your mind so that YOU could possibly GROW from this experience - and growth for the marriage too. THAT would have been the BEST outsome - but it won't since you have resistance.

 

I find it ironic that people here have offered ideas for your growth and you use backhanded jabs at their efforts and ideas that could make it better.

 

 

Your approach to people that intend to help still carries your angry stinging aura. That sucks!

 

 

Best wishes.

[Bittersweetie]

My mom and I recently were talking about a line she'd heard on a radio show once...ironically I think it was from Laura Schlessinger, who the OP referred to earlier. It was:

 

You can't have a conversation with someone who won't have a conversation with you.

 

I think that what's going on here...the OP just isn't ready to face that what he did, even though it didn't go all the way, was wrong. And as I mentioned, I've been there, and I wish I had realized it and addressed it then. But I didn't and went on to make the choices I did. Hopefully the OP will work through stuff regardless of his anger/defensiveness toward strangers on the internet (which personally I think is projection but that's just me) and not walk down the path I did.

 

Good luck Almost, if you're still reading.

 

B