Was this abuse? Or am I just overthinking it?

[KJauron]

I was with a guy for nearly 4 years. I thought I was really happy with Kevin*, and thought he might have been the one. Over time though he started to really hurt me.

He ignored me frequently. We would be talking, and he would just suddenly vanish. I'd have no idea for how long, or what was going on. He'd often blame his mother or grandfather (we're teenagers please remember), and every single time I'd buy it. The three summers we were together, he ignored me for weeks at a time and would stand me up or cancel any attempt I made at a date. This last Christmas, he ignored me from the 23rd-25th (My birthday is Christmas morning), talked to me very late at night on the 25th and the 26th, then ignored me until early January once again. Every time after he left, he'd apologize, and I'd forgive him. Sometimes he would promise that he'd never do it again, and pending on his excuse, I often forgave him.

I also always got an uneasy feeling when we were spending time together. I never wanted anybody to ask me about him, even my parents. I felt extremely on edge asking my parents if we could go out. I felt almost afraid. I also felt as if I had to run from my classes, or even make excuses to leave early, in order to meet him. I always wanted to make him happy.

I was happy with him in cycles it seemed. Every time I was unhappy, I thought it was just typical; something that every relationship suffered. Somehow, everything that happened, I ended up feeling as if it was my fault. Even if he was the one that did something wrong. I always felt like he was blaming me. I felt so horrible about myself, and thought that he was the only one that understood me. He told me how he thought we were soulmates, and would be together forever. He told me that constantly, and how he didn't know what he would do without me. One time when I was on the end of my rope with him, he told me a story about how he once nearly committed suicide, and how he met me shortly after. He told me I saved his life. I was scared that if I left him, he would try again. Besides that pressure, I also felt sexual pressure from him. I was able to withstand that, but I felt as if by saying no to him that I was wrong somehow.

Part of my believes that this may have been abuse, but another part of me believes that I'm just being melodramatic. I'm in a new relationship now, with an old friend of mine, Toby*. Toby and I have been old friends since we were children, and I really have been happy with him. However, Toby and Kevin were also old friends growing up, and that worries me a bit. I don't if Kevin's possible abuse could be causing me to be having emotional flashbacks (I've been feeling the pain of being ignored again in situations that do not warrant it), or if I am just overthinking this whole thing. Thank you for any help.

[CopingGal]

HI. I too was in a relationship where I was ignorned on a regular basis, with lies and excuses in place...from Friday to Sunday and during the summers. I left when his ignoring me reached new heights.

 

He did other things too and I often wondered during the first year of the relationship if I was being abused. He may not have abused me then, but it certainly turned into abuse...psycholoigcal abuse.

 

I always say, if you have to wonder and wonder about if you are being abused...just get out. Because even if he isn't, the behavior is cruel enough to make you ponder if he is abusing you. Just get out now and walk away.

 

Good luck.

[pteromom]

I don't know if it is abuse. Google "abuse withholding" and see if what you find matches what you dealt with in your relationship.

 

No matter what label you slap on it though, it's obviously causing you issues in your current relationship.

 

Feeling the pain of being ignored when you aren't being ignored COULD be residual baggage from your other relationship. Or it could be insecurity on your part. Who knows.

[M30USA]

Just about anything can be defined as "abuse". I've heard some pretty trivial things cited as abuse. There need to be some clear-cut qualifications. If you're a human being and make typical, standard mistakes or don't give full attention to your spouse all the time...even that could potentially be dubbed "abuse". I only say these things because I've seen firsthand some pretty crazy exaggeration.

[M30USA]

Also, in continuation of my last post, abuse is HIGHLY subjective. To give you an example, I saw a document which my wife filled out prior to our custody hearing. She checked off the box next to where it says "Has your spouse abused you?" She did NOT check off the box where it says "Have you abused your spouse?"--even though she is the one who assaulted me numerous times, the final time of which led to her arrest. So in her eyes I abused her by getting angry at her and calling her names, yet she didn't abuse me by hitting me with a board leaving bruises? The whole abuse thing is a joke in AT LEAST 50% of cases in my opinion. The truth is hard to find out. Sometimes only God knows.