Author havNfun Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 well that is interesting honey, because most women in this part of the world are different. Don't you see that just the fact that you hold so important the act of keeping these friendships dispite a committment you made to one guy. The fact that you find them valuable, and more so the fact that you insist on having your needs met instead of sacrificing this, is a betrayel in itself even w/out the sex, and if you will go that far in dissrespecting your partner, then I have no doubt that you would consumate this betrayal with eventual sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 yes your male friends continued to drop by, keeping you from being lonely, and more so just keeping in proximatey for when you decided you were ready to be serviced by them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 and actually honey, most women are ONLY interested in sex. At least us men have a few other purposes and pillars like carreer, etc. Women want one thing which is to get laid and get PREGNANT. This is genetically enforced despite whate you think you are about. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Originally posted by havNfun At least us men have a few other purposes and pillars like carreer, etc. Women want one thing which is to get laid and get PREGNANT. This is genetically enforced despite whate you think you are about. Oh, havN, you're so strong!!!! Take me now! make me fulfill my purpose end empragnate me now!!!! Jesus Mary !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Don't you see that just the fact that you hold so important the act of keeping these friendships dispite a committment you made to one guy. The fact that you find them valuable, and more so the fact that you insist on having your needs met instead of sacrificing this, is a betrayel in itself even w/out the sex, and if you will go that far in dissrespecting your partner, then I have no doubt that you would consumate this betrayal with eventual sex. Actually, any and all of my guy friends are also close friends to my boyfriend, so I am NOT disrespecting him at all. He is also close friends with my girlfriends, and I don't believe he will cheat on me with them either. But you probably don't think he will, either, because you don't believe guys do horrible things like that. Only the women . I will not "consumate this betrayal with eventual sex." My boyfriend, who trusts me, didn't ask me to give up my guy friends, so I don't see how you say I should have just because I made a committment to my boyfriend. I am respecting that committment, I'mnot having sex with my guy friends. You have a twisted stereotypical view on women. Were you hurt in a past relationship by your girlfriend cheating on you with a close friend, which makes you think all girls are that way? Well, surprise, they're not. yes your male friends continued to drop by, keeping you from being lonely, and more so just keeping in proximatey for when you decided you were ready to be serviced by them. Ready to be serviced by them? My guy friends have girlfriends of their own, so they aren't sitting around my doorstep waiting for me to walk out and say "Hey guys, I'm lonely, I'm ready for you to service me now." most women are ONLY interested in sex. Hmm... that's why I, a woman, am waiting until I'm married to have sex...because I'm only interested in sex? Nah, I don't think so. At least us men have a few other purposes and pillars like carreer, etc. Women want one thing which is to get laid and get PREGNANT. This is genetically enforced despite whate you think you are about. So you're telling me we don't have careers? Well, let me remind you, its 2004, women have careers now also, we aren't sitting at home waiting for our husband, no excuse me, our guy friends, to come home and service us and get us pregnant. We have other purposes and pillars, too. I do want to get pregnant, but not anytime in the near future, and not by any guy who will do it, only by someone I love, and have a happy, stable marriage with. I also plan to go to college, get a good job, and start a family. You seem to be very sexist... Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I think HavNfun is extremly sexest in thinking that all women ONLY want to have sex and get pregnant. Give me a break!!! It seems like YOU just haven't met any decent women. In that case, I can understand how you think. But I agree with Miz Barby that it's better to avoid temptation. However, I also agree with CurlyIam that we all need friends of the opposite sex in order to live normal, healthy lives. Think about it. Women and men would never understand each other if they didn't communicate and mingle with each other. But certainly, we can't be in committed relationships with everyone we meet. So we need friends of all types in order to be well rounded. Sure we can all have sex with, and may even have thoughts of having sex with friends whom we find attractive. But our MORALS will determine rather we act on those thoughts and desires. Avoiding temptation doesn't mean avoiding our friends all together. It just means that if you are in a committed relationship, and you have a friend whom you're attracted to, you should (out of respect for your committed partner) not spend too much time with that friend and don't keep them too close. Not very many people can understand or distiguish friends from lovers. Those are the ones who shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex when they are in a committed relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d.stevens Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam I agree to having a good relationship, but one person cannot comply with all the things I want and that I find in my male friends. It has little to do with pleasure or teasing. I know it's different for me, as I am not married. But for instance, I have this friend who loves R&B back home. He's a freak about it! He knows everything, we used to listen to songs back in highschool that were cool, we would fool around wearing out of fashion clothes... My ex high school female mates are more interested in how much I make a month (by the way, nothing since I'm still in School). Ijust don't feelthe presure! HEre, in PAris, I have this friend who's having his DEA in Philosophy (pre phd). HE adores art, has visited the Uffizi galleries and loves classical guitar. Miz_barby, my bf listens to trance and works in entertainment! No way can he make or does he want to accompany me to exibit shows! The female friends I have here are much more interesred in picking up guys in Barrio Latino!!!! Ok so the question arises...how would a "male friend" that shares her interests eventually land her as a girlfriend? If the boyfriend doesn't share her interest, wouldn't it make sense for her to be with someone more compatible lol? If her needs aren't being met by the boyfriend, but is in many ways by "the friend" isn't this a prelude to an emotional bond...then possibly to more later? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 If her needs aren't being met by the boyfriend, but is in many ways by "the friend" isn't this a prelude to an emotional bond...then possibly to more later? I don't feel in any way attracted to my friend. I have met him way before my bf, when I was hurting, when I was alone. I don't need a shoulder to cry on, emotionaly speaking, I can take care of myself all alone. This is why I have many gal friends to talk to, to hang out with (that's here, in PAris, 'cause back home I'm pretty much alone because of my ex). YEs it is true that my current bf and I don't share too many things, but the basics: we love eachother, we are very very attracted to eachother, we both love nature and we are very proud to have one another. And we are very independent. I do have my own set of friends, he has his. Sometimes we compromise and go out with his or with mine. Most of the time we go out alone, because we see eachother very rarely - once a week, because he lives 2 hours away from me. He gives me everything I want and I would not change one thing in my relationship. Mind you, before him, I had the opposite:living with my bf, sharing the same friends, sacrificing my own free time and friends for "our friends" (who were his, actually), we would have finished the same university, have the same hobbies, want the same things in life, he would be on the verge of have one damn successful career, what can I say, we were as good as married! Well, too bad, I didn't feet attracted to him. That is what in the end killed us. And yes, when with my bf, I would kiss other guys... NEVER my friends, NEVER in my town, NEVER in my country. Eventually, I left the guy, I left the friends, I left the town, I left the country. I also did learn my lesson. I don't need my bf to know that Monet and MAnet are 2 different guys to be happy with him. I want him to love me, I want to feel that the next time we see eachother we're not gonna sleep more that 3 hours (again), I want him to treat me good, like woman should be treated. I can take care of the rest and not put our relationship in jeopardy. YEs, it does give me power over our relationship, but then, that's life. No one's gonna protect my fine lil' a$$ forever, so I'm ready. He knows it and he's got the same responsabilities. We're perfect for eachother. For now !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Actually, miz_barby, this is exactly the type of attitude that makes us (women) uncool! We feel threaterned by men. We are to "evoid temptation"!!!This makes me so mad! I have practically lost all my friends after my ex and I broke off! I wonder why !!! because lonely women aren 't safe either in "coulpes'', miz_barby! Okay look, if you (or any other single girl) was friends with my BF and "using him to keep them from feeling lonely" well needless to say there would be some a$$ kicking going on! Luckily my BF sees the DISRESPECT in this and we help each other through problems that the other may have OR we turn to family. I find something wrong with a woman who can't have close female friends instead of a lot of male friends because again I THINK women who have a lot of male friends are CRAVING MALE ATTENTION to highten their sense of self esteem and sexiness and self worth, to prove that they can be "friends" with whom ever they wish no matter what is at stake! I bet more than one GF of these "so called male (friends)" have "talked" to their BFs about how insecure they felt with them being buds with some chick and how they didn't trust the female friend! Anyway to me...I wouldn't be with someone who feels the need to have female friends around him and I wouldn't disrespect anyone I was with by doing this either! MY OPINION and if more people thought this way there wouldn't be so many women sleeping with taken or MM and vice versa! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Right! I am so sick and tired of explinations!! You seemto have your mind settled about this! Of course I have some gal friends, my closest friends are girls. I am also guilty of compromising to his benefit - like going out more with his friends than mine to the point where I would barely see mine. I did keep my good friends around, but obviously, mybf and I we would go out mostly with ther couples. Of course getting out and feeling like I have a group of friends I belong to were getting to me. Out of the gang we were in highschool - girls and boys , the boys stuck around. The girls have done the same thing I did, prefering the bf to the guys! So give me a break about being "goodie goodie". Nothing lasts forever and when the bad times come, you'd better be keepingyour friends close, if you know what I mean!!! Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I'm not "goodie goodie" and I realize that nothing lasts forever! BUT in the same token neither do friendships! I never said YOU "curlyIam" fits this bill of needing the attention but if "the shoe fits" Anyway I was raised different with different morals, I've seen *EVERY* one of my female friends stay "friends" w/ guys we've known for years and *EVERY* one of those girls have developed feelings for the other one's man and their male "friends" it has been a vicious circle for them, thankfully I know better and have seen what can happen so I stay outta the mix. Same happened to my sister's friends and thankfully she had the same respect for herself enough to avoid the situation. Nothing wrong with having casual friends but no need to keep them so "close" that you're basically in an emotional relationship without the physical. To me there is just no sense in this! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Oh, miz, pleeeeese, do say some more, you seem to have seen right through my little hunger and craving for male attention little soul! Unless you have a crystal ball and are able to read in it, you were simply being petty and little! I have learnt my lesson, I do not accept being the annexe in my future relationship. And if that means "disrespecting" my relationship, oh, well, hopefully my future hubby will appreciate me enough to accept this extravaganza! Equal partners, equal roles! All the way, including friends. What I do know is that I hate women always worried about other men "steeling" their hubbies away! Labeling all the other women, especially single ones around as "danger"! MAkes me laugh my a$$ off! If a guy wants to cheat, he will cheat! If a guy wants sex with someone else, he'll get it! IT takes 2 to tango and sorry to break the news, it ain't always women seducing them! Best way to keep the honey home ain't eliminating all females around, but maintaing great communication, great sex life, keeping fit and preserving the atractability, personality and independence! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 This is ridiculous! It seems most of you are looking for the absolute worst in people! I believe in making friends and surrounding myself with many different types of people-male,female, black, white, hispanic, etc.. -b/c all I want from any of my friends is support and respect. We are close b/c we listen to each other, enjoy one another's company, and stand by each other thru good times and bad. My friends are an extension of my family. There is no danger in crossing any "lines" in our friendship b/c that would just seem incestial to me. I guess you could say I've made a world for myself where seperate can be equal. My friends are all different and all I want them all the same for the same reasons. I'm still friends w/my ex BFs b/c they have fallen into that sexless category of friend and I just don't consider them a romantic possibility anymore. My BF also falls under the heading of Best Friend b/c he is a wonderful friend that I am lucky enough to sleep with. No other man stands a chance be they friend or stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 I think we are hearing perspectives from a few different categories of people here. One category seems to be those like msBarby and myself who are being realistic because we've actually participated in adult romantic relationships. The other category seems to have a very highschool-college concept of relationships. Sure when all of us are in are teens, and perhaps through college age, etc, we have romances and wouldn't think of not keeping all our friends close, and all those back-up "guy friends" around. When we are not serious about real committment with somebody - it makes a lot of sense to keep those guy friends around for when our current juvinille buttercup house of cards romance crumbles and we want our estemed, attentive guy friend to come tell us how perfect and great we are over comfort coffee at startbucks. BUT GET REAL. Mature, perminant relationships take time, priority, and unfortunately sacrifice because no two people have EXACTLY the same needs and emotions. Curly, Yes in a way it is worldly and mature of you to have this view about taking care of yourself and "looking out for number 1." Because you go into relationships with fallback plans, back-up guys, and 1/2 your emotions ready-packid for when the relationship goes bad and you must be on your own, ... you will probably need all those harmless guy friends always in your life. Because, the way you approach your relationships is with a committment to not give all of yourself to it, and with a defensive posture. Your parachute is packed at "hello." You need guy friends Curly, because your relationships end, because you have this attitude. Lastly, I believe that MS_BARBY has her head on straight and not up her a%s looking for "guy friends." Because of this I would wager that her relationship endure. Barby's attitude seems to the the only NON-SELFISH one out of those of you "guy-friend-praise-self-esteem-collecting" nice people that have posted here. Please take a moment to re-read, and really consider what Barby has said in her last post. It was 150% practical, realistic, honest and true in my oppinion. hugs all Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Very interesting post, fun! Somehow you stroke 2 chordes. The first category is: A: do I give myself 150% to my current relationship. Probably not. I have a big career to prepare and can't afford to be mising no one in times like this. B: having guys in order to have the reassurance. I think I know what you mean, but you are wrong. YEs, I do know about the nice men who never grow up, always willing to grab a beer after 9 long hours of works, whomever you are: friend from highschool, from the childhood, from across the street or from .... etc. I on the other hand am talking about the real thing. I am talking about Friends, not about drinking buddies. Like those you call up in the middleof the night for an emergency. Like those who turn to you when big things happen. Like .... those that really matter. I don't have many of those. I have 2 galfriends like that. And maybe one male friend. But I realise that the problem was me. Second category: how many women have total 150% relationships because they choose to? LEt me tell youhow it goes: the more time passes, the more women start neglecing themselves and start focussing on the man. And so, each day, more and more, the Earth begins revolving around their marriage, aroung their family, around their husband. Is this a bad thing? No!! Is this a choice? HELL NOOOO !!! It is the product of routine,of habit, not the true, genuine, aware choice. They have their husband as a best friend not because he's so and so, but because they keep no other person around. Hubby and that's it! c'est fini la comedie! Keeping friends around is the toughest job, if you've got a relationship going. I think you should think it's twice as hard to keep friends around in you're a woman (male or female friends), only because the natural instinct dictates you to breed, to focus on your male, etc. Dearest fun, you aren't in the position to tell me why my relationships fail. MAybe this one won't fail. Given the requested freedom and space, I can be the perfect girlfriend, trust me. MAybe that's exactly what I need!!! But this one is not the subject of this thread, I am afraid. The subject is having the balls not to choose wheather one has male or female friends, but about a lifestyle! Guess which one I'm choosing! Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 Dearest sweet Curly, I appreciate your input greatly but your last post was pretty much unintelligible. What are you trying to say exactly? Are you saying that a good relationship takes 100% commitment but you don't desire a permanent relationship so therefore you don't choose to give it your "150%?" Are you saying that when a woman gives all of herself to a relationship it is never something she intended to do, but somehow got bamboozled into caring so much? Are you agreeing that if in fact a woman is interested (and I realize you say you are not) in making the best choices in hopes for the best possible relationship with her husband, then true she should not have guy friends? You make it sound like selflessness is some sort of naive situation that people are pressured into by demanding others. I was always taught the selflessness is an admirable quality and even perhaps an ideal. Please vomit out the bottle of boons farm, sober up and clarify your thoughts. Thank you Sincerely me aka = no woman's "guy friend." Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 One category seems to be those like msBarby and myself who are being realistic because we've actually participated in adult romantic relationships. Who are you to judge the depth of others' relationships? If you were so "adult" you wouldn't be having this conversation with us, and crying about how women shouldn't have guy friends. When we are not serious about real committment with somebody - it makes a lot of sense to keep those guy friends around for when our current juvinille buttercup house of cards romance crumbles and we want our estemed, attentive guy friend to come tell us how perfect and great we are over comfort coffee at startbucks. I'm totally serious about real commitment, and I think it is very low of you to say that I, or anyone else, is not. You don't know us, and you surely don't know how serious we are about the one we love. I don't keep my guy friends around so they can be the fall back guy when and if my relationship ends. You must have been really hurt by a past love if you think all girls are like that. But I think it's time for you to grow up and stop stereotyping people. Everyone isn't out as selfish as you believe. Mature, perminant relationships take time, priority, and unfortunately sacrifice because no two people have EXACTLY the same needs and emotions. Hmm...I didn't see anyone on here say that their friendships with guys were more important than their relationship with their boyfriend. You need to stop assuming everyone is the same. "no two people have exactly the same needs and emotions." Hello, not everyone is jealous and overbearing like you are. Some guys trust their girlfriends to have guy friends. And some guy friends aren't always out to get some from their female friends. Barby's attitude seems to the the only NON-SELFISH one out of those of you "guy-friend-praise-self-esteem-collecting" nice people that have posted here. Well that's where your wrong. Maybe us "guy-friend-praise-self-esteem-collecting" nice people are the only ones that truly have our significant other's complete trust, and also trust ourselves. If you have to avoid friends of the opposite sex just so you won't be "tempted", well then, you're not really too in love with your partner after all. If you honestly loved your partner you wouldn't have to stay away from people of the opposite sex because you would fully trust yourself with the knowledge that you are in love with one, and only one, and nothing is going to change that. My 150% honest and true opinion is that you don't know what a real relationship is, and until you can trust your s/o with having friends of the opposite sex, you won't know what a real relationship is. I may not be as old as you, but at least I can trust. And I know myself well enough to be certain I'm not going to turn to my guy friends when I get lonely, and I know that they are not there for self esteem. If they were, I would pick guy friends who were single and wanted to be with me, not guy friends who are in VERY serious relationships with their girlfriends. Grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeti Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 This is by far one of the most difficult arguements I have ever tried to follow before. Some people actually think it is wrong to have friendly relationships with the opposite sex while in a committed relationship with another? Every relationship needs to be built off of trust, from the very moment it starts. Trust is not something that you try to work up to, a point or goal in a relationship that you set and try to reach. Trust needs to be established as soon as the relationship is started. Though jealousy is an evil thing for some, and can ruin a decent relationship. Don't jump the gun and point fingers at people without reason because of jealousy. though if you cannot trust the person that you are with, how can you be with that person. CurlyIam, you sound like an amazing woman. Both independant and knowing what type of respect you require from a relationship. The strongest realtionships are built on trust, but not that alone. The two must be able to fulfill each others needs, both physically and mentally. Once one lacks, someone may stray in order to fulfill that need. Alas, there are those who cannot be pleased at all, and if someone strafes from a relationship they will most likely do it again. Unless marriage or children are concern, these type of people are those to move on from. - Yeti Link to post Share on other sites
Varacha Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Originally posted by miz_barby I don't think men and women can be "close friends" because one or the other usually ends up with feelings for the other one. Casual friends yes but close where you talk all the time, talk about your problems, hug, go out to bars, etc then 9 times outta 10 it seems that one if not both of the friends develop attachment feelings to the other and end up wanting more or feeling that they are falling in love with that person. My opinion is that I wouldn't have close male friends especially while I'm dating someone else (especially if my guy wasn't great friends with the guy too) and I wouldn't tolerate my guy having female "close" friends either like calling him, seeing him, hanging out with him, anything like that! I have to disagree with you on that one, I've always had close male friends and to me it's nothing more then friendship, I do not and will not sleep with a male friend no matter what may be the circumstances. Yes em and my closest male friend (best friend in fact) do love each other we have for years but it's always been a brotherly sister kind of thing on his part to, since for the longest time it was V yeah I guess she is a girl, never noticed. As for my boyfriend having close female friends that I don't care about either. To me there can be friendship with out sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 just give it time. You'll hook up sooner or later with all of these "guy friends" and more than likely it will be you making the move (however subtle) Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 just give it time. You'll hook up sooner or later with all of these "guy friends" and more than likely it will be you making the move (however subtle) Everyone isn't the same and you don't know who will be hooking up with their friends or not. You can't tell the future, and just so you know, the majority of men don't have the greatest morals, so if they got together, I higly doubt she would be the one making the move. Guys aren't angels, and I'm sure you're no exception. Stop judging people, everyone isn't the same. All girls aren't out for just sex, some really care about their relationship with their significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
Direpoet Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 A (single) guy talkin' here, havNfun man you are waayy off the puttin' green, just because you have a close friend of the opposite sex does not mean your going to develope sexual feelings for any yes i have about 3 close female friends and about 5 female friends and i only have slight feelings for 1 of them thats because shes single (well duh what do you expect) but will I break off my close friendship with her if she says no to a date? No. How about if she gets a boyfriend? No. How about if she gets married? No in fact I'll still go to her wedding. Now about my other close friends all the rest of them are in commited relationships do I have feelings for them? Definately no. Will I sleep with one of them if she came to me to cheat on her husband or boyfriend? No in fact I will probably scold her and tell her to go back. I am a gentleman I do not take advantage of women, I beleive trust is more important than any friendship or relationship. And yes I am very religious but not to the point of being naive to the world around me, I've seen too much of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 well perhaps. I did not say I always agreed to fooling around with these friends etc. I have had women with husbands and boyfriends make a move on me and have rejected it. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by havNfun women that are friends to guys always want it from the guy friend eventually. I don't think that it is true. Depends on the circumstances of the relationship I guess. Isn't it the other way around? Lol. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author havNfun Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 I don't think that it is true. Depends on the circumstances of the relationship I guess. Isn't it the other way around? Lol. Hi ziggue, thanks for the post. no, its more often the woman. perhaps it is because some women hold in and store up a lot of pent-up desire and/or resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
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