hermione08 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Hi there, I'm new to this forum. I live in London, but I'm originally from Italy. My first love (a 5 years relationship that ended when we were still in love) came back in 2010 after 15 years. He's married and I was in a relationship. I ended my relationship, he said he would end his marriage. He didn't. I tried several times to leave him, but I always allowed him back. Now, I have decided (since I have other problems in my personal life and I need someone who's always going to be there and that I can turn to) to go cold turkey. I know it's going to be tough (understatement), so I need advice from people who've already experienced what I'm about to do. Please help. He's (was) the love of my life and I thought that we had a second chance, so the fact that he's not willing to give our story a go hurts even more. Thanks for not judging too harshly. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepie Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I wish I had some advice for you, but I am new to NC, too. Five days in and just hanging on by my fingernails. I've heard it said that NC goes through stages: First few days are easy because you're determined, then it gets harder because you want to quit it, then it gets easier because you still hold onto hope, then it gets hard again because you know it's over, then eventually it gets easy and you accept. I suspect this is true, and the speed through which you get through those stages has a lot to do with how long you had the A, how much contact you had through it, etc. Good luck! Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hermione08 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I have just put him on the blacklist for both email and phone. We live very far (UK and Italy) so no chance meetings possible. I have hated what he's done to me. Last straw: all was over between him and his W and then it turns out they are on hols together and he did not even tell me. Good riddance to bad rubbish... Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I have just put him on the blacklist for both email and phone. We live very far (UK and Italy) so no chance meetings possible. I have hated what he's done to me. Last straw: all was over between him and his W and then it turns out they are on hols together and he did not even tell me. Good riddance to bad rubbish... You've taken the first and hardest steps: blocking him. Sadly, there is no magic pill to make this pain go away. So let's try and use this pain. Pain is the body's signal that something is wrong. Broken if you will. What is "wrong" or "broken" in you? Well duh, you just "lost" the "love of your life". But here's the rub: he WASN'T the "love of your life". We know this in how he treats and treated you. Would you EVER treat someone you truly loved as such? Of course not. I'm not saying people in love don't occasionally hurt one another. I'm saying people in love don't abuse each other repeatedly. And virtually ALL A's have a component of emotional abuse towards someone in the triangle. You didn't lose the love of your life, you jettisoned an emotional abusive torment. Love doesn't hurt. Well, it does but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. So... How did you ALLOW this to happen? What steps can one undertake to prevent this from happening again (either breaking NC or entering an unhealthy R)? On a more promising note, there is a tomorrow. This WILL fade. You WILL be happy again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hermione08 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 You are right: he did not love me, not really. According to him, I'm the only woman he ever loved, as I was his first, and he never got over losing me all those years ago. Just to put you a bit in the picture, he married the woman who came between us (with help from his parents). This is one of the reasons why I didn't feel too guilty about the A with a MM. I do realise now, after 2 years' affair and a lot of pain, that if he ever loved me, then or now, he would have tried harder to be with me and he would not have hurt me like he did. I have told him about my NC, as I want it to be very clear. I have also told him that if he ever tries to get in touch, I will tell his wife and I know he wouldn't risk that. Now I just have to cope with the pain. I know it's going to be very hard, especially as I am also coping with my mum's Parkinson's. Thanks for your help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 WOW. You have started off real well now you need to stay NC.Coming here was smart also because of the support. Welcome to LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hermione08 Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Thank you so much. I have no choice because I have tried everything else. I cannot share my man with another woman, cannot and will not. It has made my life miserable. Even if they never made love (very improbable), just the idea of them sharing a bed drove me crazy. And I intend to keep my sanity.. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 This will take some time you will have your ups and downs. I think letting go completely is when you will start feeling better.But you started off real good Usually it starts off with I have had enough but can not let go then we encourage NC but you seem to have done those steps well. Anytime you are feeling down and need encouragement post. I am sure you have realized all the lies that is told and cant take the crumbs no more. No one should have a half a man. Link to post Share on other sites
MorningCoffee Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Somewhere on this forum is an excellent "guide" to NC. Perhaps one of the other posters can locate it? I wasn't able to, and can't remember the author. But if you can find that, it has excellent advice. One thing I would note (at least in my experience) is that determination comes and goes at times, waxes and wanes like the moon. You may well be tempted to break NC. Not that there's any one answer to that dilemma, just be forewarned that the urge will probably arise, and it can be just as seductive as the attraction that bred the affair. Your strength is in you, and so take what support you get from here and lean on it (and ignore anything that is not helpful). That's my two cents. Best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I congratulate you for having the decency to end your previous relationship, instead of cheating on your boyfriend. And I congratulate you on your courage for not wanting to have "half a man" in your life. If he really loves you he'd be 100% investing on you. And he wouldn't bear the presence of another woman. It would make him sick. I'm a man, so I know what I'm talking about. There's not a magic pill to make your pain go away. Instead you have to take things as cool as you can and live a day at a time. And let Fate do what it must in your life, regardless of the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 Coraggio, Hermione, Leggi la mia firma, un avviso di No Contact di Caliguy. Funziona benissimo, e racconta la verita!! (assenza di accenti dato a un keyboard inglese!!) Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I've had no real contact in 6 months, no loving contact for over a year (he had to have professional contact). It's no easier today for me than when he first told me it was over by email. But I think a lot of that is that I had no say in it and no explanation (he just went silent) and there's been nothing but meanness no goodbye or what we had was special or anything like that. So I hope you find it much easier. I think I could cope much better if I had professional contact or an explanation but I have neither. Link to post Share on other sites
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