Is there a magic pill to speed through NC?

[sleepie]

Today is Day 5 of NC. I've heard it say the first few days are easiest (you're determined, like a diet), the it gets harder. Then it gets easier again (because you're holding onto hope), then it gets harder again (because you realize it's finally over).

 

Is there any way to speed this process up? Like... get the to "acceptance" stage sooner?

 

I say that a little tongue in cheek, but I am curious as to what other people went through with their NCs. How often were the "rough patches?" How long until you stopped having them? When does it get easier?

 

Short background: MM, I was MOW, 2 year EA.

[Silly_Girl]

Today is Day 5 of NC. I've heard it say the first few days are easiest (you're determined, like a diet), the it gets harder. Then it gets easier again (because you're holding onto hope), then it gets harder again (because you realize it's finally over).

 

Is there any way to speed this process up? Like... get the to "acceptance" stage sooner?

 

I say that a little tongue in cheek, but I am curious as to what other people went through with their NCs. How often were the "rough patches?" How long until you stopped having them? When does it get easier?

 

Short background: MM, I was MOW, 2 year EA.

 

It is so, so very hard.

 

I am embarrassed to say that our break-ups were the most devastated I have ever felt. I have been in some real crappy and very stressful situations, but I was able to 'make a plan' on other things. I was able to focus on other things/people/something.

 

But not when we split up. The void was enormous. I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to go to bed and not move. I have had depression several times and even that was not as bad - sounds crazy, I know.

 

The one thing - no hang on, two things I would strongly recommend (I feel like an old hand at this, lol) are as follows:

 

1. Get out of the house. Walk. Cycle. Drive. Walk some more. Go to the shop. Many times a day if need be! Keep active. Keep seeing new sights and taking different routes and taking yourself away from the house.

 

2. Force youself to arrange to see people. And listen to their boring $hit like the new bathroom tiles or their horrible boss or the in-laws coming to stay. Smile and listen and pretend to be interested, however dead inside you feel, however lonely you are. Keep doing it. Go back over and over. Spend time with friends and acquaintances. Accept invitations that make you feel sick inside.

 

There is something about engaging with the world (I don't count working at your job) that helps provide some comfort and perspective and you find a little courage here, and a little enjoyment there. It's all distraction, but who cares? It helps in those early stages. You can do the heavy introspection and analysing later... later when you can picture their face in your mind and not feel like Tyson just thumped you in the gut.

 

Post here, too. Even if it's a seemingly pointless 2 sentence rant, without realising it you'll be helping others in the same boat, folk who don't feel able or inclined to post. It's a form of support so share all you want.

 

I promise you, it WILL get better. I didn't believe it when people said it to me, but it's true. Life can be very, very good after a heavy heartbreak. Hugs to you.

[sleepie]

Sillygirl, thanks! It's always good to hear about other people's experiences, especially those who have come out on the other side with a renewed outlook.

[scatterd]

Force youself to arrange to see people. And listen to their boring $hit like the new bathroom tiles or their horrible boss or the in-laws coming to stay. Smile and listen and pretend to be interested, however dead inside you feel, however lonely you are. Keep doing it. Go back over and over. Spend time with friends and acquaintances. Accept invitations that make you feel sick inside.

 

I love this post the way it was put I could not help but laugh it rang true to me at time I was hurting. LOL

[Owl]

Do something to fill the time that you used to spend focused on him with something else. Take up a new hobby, resume an old one. Start working out, hitting the gym, go running. Burn off that energy and stress.

 

I'm curious...you mention that you're a MOW. What are you doing to fix/focus on your marriage, and on what 'allowed you' to have an affair in your own right?

 

One 'option' might be to confess the affair to your H. It sets the stage for improvements or the end of that relationship...and it will definitely 'change your focus' off the loss of MM while you're dealing with your own issues in front of you.

[sleepie]

Do something to fill the time that you used to spend focused on him with something else. Take up a new hobby, resume an old one. Start working out, hitting the gym, go running. Burn off that energy and stress.

 

I'm curious...you mention that you're a MOW. What are you doing to fix/focus on your marriage, and on what 'allowed you' to have an affair in your own right?

 

One 'option' might be to confess the affair to your H. It sets the stage for improvements or the end of that relationship...and it will definitely 'change your focus' off the loss of MM while you're dealing with your own issues in front of you.

 

Well, as I mentioned in another thread, confessing just isn't an option for me. It would destroy H. This problem is mine, the issue is mine, the burden is mine, too.

 

I don't actually think there's anything to "fix" in my marriage. Perhaps I am incredibly naive or stupid. But we have, for all intents and purposes, the ideal marriage. When H gets home from work, we put the kids (young) to bed and then spend 3-4 hours together. Just talking about our day, our past, our future, our present. No TV. No computers. No distractions. No phones. Just being with each other. On days he doesn't work, we do the same: togetherness. Sure, we do chores and stuff... but mostly together. We're best friends. Each other's support. Each other's life.

 

I realize, believe me, how ABSOLUTELY ridiculous this sounds coming from someone who was a MOW. How can I say he's my best friend and life when I betrayed him so harshly? How did the A happen in those circumstances? Well... I don't know. The A was always long-distance and totally EA, so at first it just was a friendship. Then it got out of control. Then I realized I had my own issues of needing validation, but by the time I got to that point, I guess I loved the MM, too.

[Owl]

Then what needs to be "fixed" is something in you.

 

Why did you want/need that external validation? If you know that this would "destroy H"...why did you give yourself permission to do this in the first place?

 

Last thought...as a H who's wife had a long distance EA that nearly led to her flying away to live with an OM that she'd never met in person...realize that you're not protecting H by witholding the truth from him.

 

Odds are high...if he had the choice of knowing or not...he'd want to know. He'd want the choice to make the decision to continue the marriage or not given that information. He'd want to be aware that this happened, so that he could work WITH you to safeguard your marriage to prevent it from happening again...or he'd want to walk away.

 

By witholding this information...you're not protecting him...you're denying him choice, and doing so only to protect yourself from the fallout of your choices. It's not noble. It's not a sacrifice. It's a self-serving choice.

 

And I'm not calling you names...just wanting you to be honest with yourself about your choices at least.

 

Give it some thought. Maybe take a search over on the infidelity section of this forum for a thread from the last few weeks about whether or not the BS (betrayed spouse) would want to know if they had that choice to know or not.

 

Last thought to add...my marriage...impacted as it was by my wife's long distance EA...has surivived and thrived. It might not be the end of the marriage...and I'm not giving this advice out of some twisted desire to "get even". I truly mean it to help.

[sleepie]

Yes, the thing that needs fixed is definitely me. Why did I need this external validation? I'm unsure about that answer, but suspect counseling might help me figure it out. Or maybe not. I've been hiding parts of myself from myself for a long time.

 

It's funny, I spent a LONG time here yesterday reading through threads, and I stumbled upon one from an xMM (not MY xMM. Just a guy who was someone's MM once.). It's an old, old one. It was basically a "xMM's perspective." Anyway, he got lambasted pretty hard, and some people were quite perturbed that, although he chose to go back to his W, he didn't reveal the affair to her. I told H about the thread (he knows I've been looking at relationship stuff for work research), and we discussed it. He ultimately said that if he were that guy's W, he wouldn't want to know, especially since the MM had fully committed to being with his spouse.

 

Frankly, he has GOT to know I've been acting weird for the last year. Periods of depression. Seeing a counselor (briefly). Not acting normally. At one point, he HAD to see me on my phone constantly. He never ONCE asked who I was talking to. He never ONCE asked if I was having an affair.

 

He doesn't want to know, and I respect that. So my choice is to get my head on straight, make MM "dead to me" (as someone else said), and refocus on my real relationships.

 

ETA: I know it seems like a self-serving choice to avoid disclosure. And yes, it is, for sure. But I actually believe that in my case, it serves everyone. He doesn't want to know. He's made that clear through both discussion and actions.

Edited July 20, 2012 by sleepie

[Owl]

Well...there ya go. The only other advice I can offer is what I've already given you...as long as OM is completely, totally removed from your life (NC)...then change your focus and redirect your energy by filling your life with something else, other than him.

 

Excersise is key too...because it's probably the best way to deal with the stress your body and mind are going through. It lets you burn off that energy in a positive fashion, and can leave you tired enough to fall asleep rather than focus on him.

 

Maybe talk to your H about taking up a new activity/hobby together? Hiking/camping, working out, something.

[woinlove]

Keeping the secret might make one more vulnerable to future affairs because whatever changes are made in the M have at least one spouse does not know or is not facing reality, given a handicap to true change. If the thread you read was quite old and that particular MM managed to escape detection in the past, he may be able to do that again.

 

If you are sure your H does not want to know the real you, does not want to know whether you are intimate with other men, that suggests his desire for intimacy with the real you is restricted. Maybe you need more intimacy than your M provides, making you vulnerable to affairs. Often people escape detection because their spouse trusts them, but given your H appears to have made it clear to you that he doesn't even want to know if his trust has been misplaced, it suggests more than that is at play. You can spend a lot of time with someone and not have true intimacy. I think true intimacy requires opening oneself up and letting each other know the real you.

[sleepie]

Maybe you need more intimacy than your M provides, making you vulnerable to affairs.

 

This is fascinating to me, mostly because I never saw it that way before.

 

Before my A, I would have said H and I were 100% intimate on all levels. Open, too. Obviously, my A was an eye-opener to me about the duplicity I am capable of.

 

I am still not sure intimacy is the issue, though, or that disclosing facts would resolve that problem. I really believe this has to do with my own self-esteem, and that's something I have to build on my own.

[Tenacity]

I have read through your threads sleepie and I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

For what it's worth, I'm in the camp of not telling H. I would argue the opposite of what some are saying here - that it's selfish to tell him. Certainly telling him now would accomplish nothing - not before you have an answer as to why you strayed and how to go about fixing it (or fixing you, if that is the problem). Telling him now will not offer him a 'choice' because you won't be able to even explain why you did what you did or why it won't ever happen again.

 

Perhaps telling him at some point in the future would make sense, but you're not there yet.

 

I do think that it is possible to love two men at one time. I don't think there is necessarily something wrong with you or some huge void you are trying to fill. It sounds like this guy worked pretty hard to get you in this position initially - you didn't seek it out. (I'm not trying to say that what you did is right; just trying to make sense of how you got here).

 

It isn't about how you 'feel'; it's about what you do with those feelings. Marriage is a lot of work and it doesn't mean you won't find yourself at times bored, or seeking drama, or wanting to seek attention from other people to validate yourself in some way. No matter how great your marriage is, or how much you work on 'fixing' yourself, I don't think you will ever be in a position to avoid those feelings at times. You just have to be committed to the marriage and not act on them.

[woinlove]

 

For what it's worth, I'm in the camp of not telling H. I would argue the opposite of what some are saying here - that it's selfish to tell him. Certainly telling him now would accomplish nothing - not before you have an answer as to why you strayed and how to go about fixing it (or fixing you, if that is the problem). Telling him now will not offer him a 'choice' because you won't be able to even explain why you did what you did or why it won't ever happen again.

 

 

It depends on what kind of M you have and want. My H and I are intimate and open with each and do tell each other things that the other one may not want to hear. We certainly don't wait until we have sorted everything out to talk with each other, because we also think of ourselves as best friends, as a team; we look out for each other and try to help each other, so we would want to sort things out together not alone. For us honesty and open communication is not to "accomplish" something, so much as to continue weaving the fabric of the M that we both desire.

 

From what sleepie writes, it seems possible that her H and her do not consider honesty and openness to be that important in their M and maybe both would be fine with keeping each others' affairs secret. But many people have and want a more intimate M, and any continuing deception would likely further erode what they have and want. It depends on what kind of M one wants.

[sleepie]

I think the reason he doesn't want to know is because he fears the answer. Not because he wants to keep going on in our happy little perfect life with blinders on, but because he knows it would destroy him. And me.

[Owl]

I think the reason he doesn't want to know is because he fears the answer. Not because he wants to keep going on in our happy little perfect life with blinders on, but because he knows it would destroy him. And me.

 

You know...you should sit down and point blank ask him...if I "WERE" to cheat on you...do you really think it would be better if I didn't tell you? REALLY?

 

If he says "No, I wouldn't ever want to know." and walks away, you have your answer.

 

If he asks "Why, is there something I should know?"...then you have your answer and should respond appropriately.

 

That truly gives him the chance to AVOID getting an answer if he wants to...or to request the truth if he wants to.

[Tenacity]

I think the reason he doesn't want to know is because he fears the answer. Not because he wants to keep going on in our happy little perfect life with blinders on, but because he knows it would destroy him. And me.

 

Or because deep down he already knows the answer but is hoping you will find your way out of it without destroying him, you, and the marriage in the process.

 

People deal with things in different ways. I don't believe it's right or wrong or that it means he doesn't want an honest intimate marriage. People and relationships are just not that black and white to be able to read your own situation from some internet posts. Only you know what is the right thing to do for him and your marriage.

[sleepie]

Or because deep down he already knows the answer but is hoping you will find your way out of it without destroying him, you, and the marriage in the process.

 

Yes, this may very possibly be it. It grieves me to think that he may already know--or, at least, strongly suspect--but this could be the truth.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm having a rough time of it tonight. Although it's only Day 5 of NC, I find myself feeling weak. Not that I will contact xMM. But that I will respond if he contacts me.

 

Geez, I'm an idiot.

 

I keep saying the same things over to myself:

 

Step 1: Remember that he is a douchebag.

Step 2: Think about his douchebaggery every time you think about him.

Step 3: Concentrate on the important relationships in your life.