Is my head in the clouds or am I just being put on the back burner?

[Forever Learning]

Well, I did it.

Last night when I called him, I laid it all out on the line.

I said, even if he didn't want to be friends anymore besides visiting when I fly over, then, tell me now.

 

He stated he was having problems w/ his job & told me he'd get back to me next week.

 

He still has not got a better housing situation either, that he's currently living in.

 

I swear on my LIFE I felt like an occupational therapist & a researcher speaking w/him last night. All of our entire conversation was nothing but these issues.

 

He said he would get back to me next week.

 

That was my "sign" then.

I am so done.

I need to concentrate on my other aspects in my life, my degree I'm working on, hobbies, interests, meetup.com groups, etc.

 

My heart is broken. Done. I am just so done with trying to look for love, online, in groups, on site's forums, on band forums. I'm so done.

 

 

It's fine to be done if you want to. If down the road, you want to try again with another man, that's fine too.

 

I think you should stick to only getting to know local men in the future. The guy you were dealing with is a flake, and possibly a user/crook.

 

He may have been trying to deceive you in some manner, regarding trying to get your help in investing in a house.

 

Crazier things have happened.

 

Getting to know someone face to face, locally, is a much safer idea when it comes to love and dating.

 

Your focus need to be on shedding a few pounds for health reasons, not for desperate reasons of seeking love. Forget that. Do it for your own health.

 

If you live another 40 years, it will be a more comfortable life, if you are lighter. That must be your perspective in this. Don't worry about trying to become a raving beauty to win over men. Just think about improving your health. Less stressful that way!!

 

All of life will be so much easier, once you drop about 50 pounds (you said you're 254 as I recall, 38 years old, and 5'4"). Don't worry about becoming a super model. Think of just being kind to your knees in the coming years, by dropping some weight. Buy a treadmill, walk every day (indoors, in the air conditioning!).

 

 

Buy dumbells, lift weights and do leg lifts while watching your favorite shows on tv. I especially like the total makeover show that comes on Sunday nights, 7 or 8 pm I believe, with a trainer named Chris (?) who helps folks learn to eat right, exercise, and drop over a 100 pounds in a year, sometimes much more. It's inspiring and fascinating!

 

Those people work so hard to lose their weight. You have much less work, by comparison. Just dropping 50 lbs for you, will make your world so much brighter, health wise, and even dating wise. All the best to you Spooky!

[justwhoiam]

Well, I did it.

Last night when I called him, I laid it all out on the line.

What is "it"?

I said, even if he didn't want to be friends anymore besides visiting when I fly over, then, tell me now.

I don't get it.

 

He stated he was having problems w/ his job & told me he'd get back to me next week.

What does this have to do with anything? So, you ask him to tell you whether - after you get there - he wants to be friends with you or not (and that alone doesn't make much sense), he says he's going through problems at work and will let you know next week? Which makes even less sense.

[spooky48]

What is "it"?

I don't get it.

 

What does this have to do with anything? So, you ask him to tell you whether - after you get there - he wants to be friends with you or not (and that alone doesn't make much sense), he says he's going through problems at work and will let you know next week? Which makes even less sense.

 

1) The "it" is us. Our lives, our friendship, what he wants to do about visiting or not. If he even wants to remain friends b/c it's just is burdensome trying to schedule the phone calls when all does is tell me he's going out to meetup.com group's parties & meeting women. Why would I want to know this? It's pissing me off to be quite honest when he's all flirtatious, nice-nicey & wanting me to move-in w/him once he gets his place. He said that to me twice, that he wanted me to move-in w/him once he gets his new place. He is not though in my mind, really even trying to find a new place & has given me many excuses why not. Those are signs too.

 

2) No I told him on the phone outright, if he even wanted to remain friends b/c things are very strained for him w/ his different situations & our times of calling.

 

Bottom line, look...I really, really did not like him or want to be bothered w/him at first b/c of his age, lack of a career, his housing problem. Then, as our lives grew closer & developed, I grew very, very fond of him through our letters, IMs & calls. I even love him & am willing to go out on a limb to help him in the sense of always being there, wanting to move over & we could share a place etc. He though, has made several excuses in that, things are just problematic for him & I firmly believe he's just not ready to settle down & still wants to party & sow his wild oats.

 

I feel as though from our call on Monday, I was given many signs:

1) I am not going to probably hear from him again in a while.

2) He is not going to visit when I fly over.

3) The housing situation upon me moving in is not going to happen

4) He obviously is not interested or in-love with me

5) I am firmly NOT meant for love of a marriage/partnership kind of contract type of thing. Maybe some bdsm kind of contract but, not a fully romantic type of love kind of contract.

6) I have struggled ENOUGH from all types of failures in groups, sites, forums, parties, meetup.com groups, hobbies, bars, clubs, sporting events, volunteerism events, church, that I have been given CLARITY upon that I am not meant for any of it.

 

I still though, wish everyone good luck in their lives here if you fully believe in love for yourself & that there's a true love & soul mate out in the world just waiting for you.

 

For me however, it's just not meant to be. Thanks for reading & understanding.

[Abystarswoman]

I feel as though from our call on Monday, I was given many signs:

1) I am not going to probably hear from him again in a while.

2) He is not going to visit when I fly over.

3) The housing situation upon me moving in is not going to happen

4) He obviously is not interested or in-love with me.

 

Quite honestly, from reading this thread, I think you dodged a major bullet. Consider yourself very, very lucky that this didn't pan out, because I seriously think you just avoided massive heartache. I know you're not feeling real great about this situation now, but if you'd spent considerable time and expense going over there - with the way he's acting right now - I think it would have been a setup for absolute misery. You're worth more than that.

 

A man who is crazy about a woman will not act the way this guy's been acting. He should be excited, thrilled, ecstatic that you're traveling such a long way to visit him! Not this hemming and hawing and "I don't know" - that's just crap.

 

Again - you are WORTH MORE than that. Start believing it!

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[spooky48]

Quite honestly, from reading this thread, I think you dodged a major bullet. Consider yourself very, very lucky that this didn't pan out, because I seriously think you just avoided massive heartache. I know you're not feeling real great about this situation now, but if you'd spent considerable time and expense going over there - with the way he's acting right now - I think it would have been a setup for absolute misery. You're worth more than that.

 

A man who is crazy about a woman will not act the way this guy's been acting. He should be excited, thrilled, ecstatic that you're traveling such a long way to visit him! Not this hemming and hawing and "I don't know" - that's just crap.

 

Again - you are WORTH MORE than that. Start believing it!

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

You are right with your thoughts in your 2nd paragraph here. I had a valuable lesson upon talking to him last Monday on the phone. It was like he was too even bothered talking about the plans etc. Yet, he dominated the conversation about his other issues he's currently dealing with.

 

When I got off the phone, call me crazy but, I spoke out loud saying, "it's just immature & unmistakeable, he's not coming". I felt really mature & cool in nature myself since, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders & I just clearly accepted it.

 

Since then, he has e-mailed me twice & called me once. He wants to talk to me on Thursday of this week (8/23) but, I told him I could but, I couldn't talk long b/c I was busy. I am NOT bringing up my trip.

 

I am DISGUSTED though, I won't lie but, I just feel so "cool" & lifted about this. I mean, I paid all of this $ to fly over there, take time off my work & planned this ahead. The least he could've done was arrange a night or 2 in a hotel (even a hostel, etc) & get a cheap train ticket to come-up. However, I can't change people & their persona.

 

I am glad I have seen the light b/c now, I feel I can be more in-tune & mature about other situations too. I was totally hanging on waiting him but, that's what he wanted.

 

My dreams are not over though about moving over there.

[spooky48]

Seeing that it has been some time now since I last posted, if you're interested, I wanted to follow-up:

 

The man has continuously texted & called me.

Yet, he still has not worked through his work, housing situations.

He has not even booked the room for November nor the train ticket.

 

I am just at a lost for words.

I have only nonchalantly discussed minute details of my personal life with him. I thought he might have got the message after this break that we're not doing anything anymore.

 

A few people told me I should just totally tell him we're not even friends anymore b/c of the past pain he's caused me internally but, I am not involved with doing that b/c I don't want to rehash hurting myself either.

 

It's weird though, I am not hurting or in pain anymore. I feel refreshed similarly to the day I received the answer regarding the entire situation.

 

I will admit though, I am still on the see-saw about how I want to move to the UK. I have profiles out here too, even detailing how I am willing to relocate & work hard (not milk off the government). So, I guess we'll see where it'll take me or else, if anyone has any ideas on how I can get over there or what I should do about writing a profile detailing how I want to relocate there, please, let me know. Thanks.

[TMichaels]

I will admit though, I am still on the see-saw about how I want to move to the UK. I have profiles out here too, even detailing how I am willing to relocate & work hard (not milk off the government). So, I guess we'll see where it'll take me or else, if anyone has any ideas on how I can get over there or what I should do about writing a profile detailing how I want to relocate there, please, let me know. Thanks.

 

What "profiles?" On dating websites?

 

Do you honestly think someone would find that a reason to date and marry you?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[spooky48]

What "profiles?" On dating websites?

 

Do you honestly think someone would find that a reason to date and marry you?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Hello,

 

I am currently on 4 dating sites still. I've given-up & thrown-in-the-towel but, my options are still out there.

 

I am currently involved on a meetup site where we go to groups upon interests, that's another place besides the Internet where I try to meet men.

 

No, I don't believe this is a reason. I just put that detail in though in case someone was interested in an American & how I have no ties here. My family supports my endeavors & they all know & realize how I would like to go there. I have my resume' sent out to several companies even though I'm fully employed here. I would like to relocate over there. It is a dream I've had since I was a child. I'm not seeking even a full marriage b/c that's not "me". I am seeking just a full partnership but, love is obviously involved.

Edited August 30, 2012 by spooky48

[Mme. Chaucer]

IMO you are SO putting the cart before the horse.

 

My advice is to keep working on yourself, including identifying your goals. If you wish to move to the UK, that really is not something that should have anything to do with some possible future relationship that you might find via a dating profile. It's something for you to make happen for yourself, if that is one of your dreams and goals. A relationship will happen or it won't - keep trying, but don't mix up you own personal goals with a relationship that does not even exist right now.

 

Keep working in a positive direction!

[spooky48]

Hello,

For a brand-new update for which now, I'm even more confused about. I'm hoping someone will assist me now even though, I feel as though, I've really run my time at this website b/c of my other threads & posts but, I'll give it one last go...

 

Well, I've ignored now, my British male friend for 3 weeks, no talk, no texts, no FB posts, etc. I thought he would've taken the "hint" that it's over after what he did to me & I've moved-on with my life.

 

I have very, very mixed emotions meaning, I'm weirded out but, now "happy" actually about what just occurred on Wednesday Sept. 5.

 

He must've texted, FBooked & called me in this lack of communication time now about 10 times. I just ignored it all. Finally on 9/5, I couldn't take it anymore & I decided to be mature & woman-up & talk to him. He was very happy I picked-up & we talked awhile. We discussed all of his changes & my changes too, in both of our lives. I didn't though, go into huge details b/c I just want to keep the distance since, he isn't into me & blew-me off before.

 

Well, get this....... He called & texted too, he actually booked the train & hotel room to come up & visit me when my roommate & myself fly over in November. He got the ENTIRE time too. I almost fell over. I am so shocked.

 

NOW....what do I do? Why did he even you know, "bother"?

[justwhoiam]

a) Do you want him as a friend?

b) Did you tell him you have feelings for him?

 

Answer those two questions with a simple yes or no.

[spooky48]

a) Do you want him as a friend?

b) Did you tell him you have feelings for him?

 

Answer those two questions with a simple yes or no.

 

Ok, so should I come right out & ask him or what? Just asking...

[justwhoiam]

Ok, so should I come right out & ask him or what? Just asking...

I have asked you two very simple questions and you didn't answer.

a) Yes, I do OR No, I don't.

b) Yes, I did OR No, I didn't.

 

Also, what is a "full marriage"? And how does it differ from a "full relationship"?

[spooky48]

I have asked you two very simple questions and you didn't answer.

a) Yes, I do OR No, I don't.

b) Yes, I did OR No, I didn't.

 

Also, what is a "full marriage"? And how does it differ from a "full relationship"?

 

Ok, so you think I should outright ask him.

I just don't want any more pain but....I am going to do it.

 

A full marriage to me means, going through all of the traditions about planning & going through a marriage whereas, not just eloping & going to say like Vegas or somewhere.

 

You know having the parties, arrangements & especially the money/planning involved.

 

No, it doesn't differ from a full relationship.

[justwhoiam]

Ok, so you think I should outright ask him.

Actually I was waiting for your answers before saying what I think.

 

But "I should ask him" means he doesn't even have a clue that you have feelings for him, the poor guy. And you started all this with him totally unaware.

[spooky48]

Actually I was waiting for your answers before saying what I think.

 

But "I should ask him" means he doesn't even have a clue that you have feelings for him, the poor guy. And you started all this with him totally unaware.

 

I guess by your reaction I am not a "catch" or a person who should receive love then because you stated in your opinion as he would be on the negative end (as you insinuated I was crap & he is gold) of being my boyfriend.

 

I didn't start any of this. He kept pursuing me. We talked about how even when I was a kid, I wanted to relocate over there & as time progressed, I still have wanted to fullfill this dream. Sadly though, without a job it is just not feasible. Even if I did meet someone over there, I want to be self-reliant & non-dependent on that man. I just have to get over there first with him. I can't just hop on a plane, leave my life here & go over there with no source of income, no reliability, security, stability & obvious sanity.

 

He has constantly called, texted, IMed & e-mailed me. For one month total, I did not have any formal contact with him. After my sign was given that last Monday when we talked on the phone, I thought he would've received the hint that it's over. However, he didn't. He has even more pursued me now & booked the trip to come up to the city when I'm there. I told him too, I didn't even think he was interested because, he told me how he wasn't into fat women, not interested in a relationship nor was even looking for someone. After this, I got my sign obviously from that. So, I just dropped him but, remained his friend & tried to assist him with his other problems he's currently working through.

 

Here it is way later. He's solved all of his problems we've spoken before of. Yet, he contacted me last week & told me of his booking the trip.

I am now back at square one.

 

This should explain things better.

 

I even regret writing this thread & even on this forum at some moments & this is clearly one of them.

[TMichaels]

spooky48,

 

I don't know why you're having such a reading comprehension problem. The questions justwhoiam posed were TO YOU; they were NOT questions to ask this guy.

 

One more time...

 

1) Do YOU (spooky48) want him as a friend?

 

2) Did YOU (spooky48) tell him you have feelings for him?

 

 

A simple yes or no to each question is all that's being asked of you.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I guess by your reaction I am not a "catch" or a person who should receive love then because you stated in your opinion as he would be on the negative end (as you insinuated I was crap & he is gold) of being my boyfriend.

Spooky, you reelaborate any information on your own and in a completely unique way, that nothing has to do with the reality of things. Your statement above is a clear evidence. I asked you two questions, you didn't answer any of them, still, you posted 3 times on my posts.

 

My point was you created this thread on a lot of assumptions about that person. And he doesn't even know you have an interest in him *as a man*. Not as a friend, acquaintance, penpal.

 

Should you tell him now? That's up to you. But my intuition tells me that if he had a sexual interest in you, you would have known by now. The fact that he doesn't is no indication about your value. If a man loves me and wants me sexually, that doesn't mean any men will be interested in me sexually. Such assumption makes no sense.

 

What do you mean he kept pursuing you? Pursuing a woman romantically/sexually can be done in several ways. What did he exactly do to make you think he's been pursuing you? Just texting you, contacting you online is not an indication he wanted you. That means he enjoys your company. And offering to help you relocate to me would mean he's being a nice friend. Had his name been Mary, I'm sure you wouldn't have started all the assumptions.

 

He has constantly called, texted, IMed & e-mailed me.

I have friends with whom I do all of that and it works just fine: we're friends.

 

Is there any actual element that he wanted to live with you as a girlfriend? He never said anything like that nor hinted to that, for what I have read so far.

 

Being mature means you can listen to what others have to say without regretting having dialogs and perspectives that differ from yours.

If you were so enthusiastic with me talking about my country and were getting any chance you have to let me know you'd love to relocate where I live, I'd do my best to help you out. And I guess that's what he's doing. If he's single and thinks you could share an apartment, I don't think that's uncommon either. There are so many cases of 2, 3 or 4 friends sharing a home to split fees and costs.