For those who think BSs should be told the truth...

[delirious]

Why did your MM decide to tell his wife? Was he at that stage planning to continue both the marriage and the EMR?

 

We both thought she needed to know for sure. As they are living separate lives, it suits her just to know that he is not leaving just yet or maybe never. She initially cried but then refused to talk about it. She does not want details. She would not answer the phone to me. Since she was told MM has seen me much more often including weekends so I guess she is not even checking up on him. I guess from MMs point of view, it makes it easier to see me and give more to our relationship, which he has, but it still is not enough for me. Since he told her, I feel that he has committed himself emotionally to me.

[pureinheart]

...does this also apply to revealing the info if the other MM/MW's BS would find out, too?

 

I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out.

 

But if two married people have an A, and one of them confesses/reveals to their BS, almost certainly the other BS in the event will find out the information, too. Most likely because BS #1 will go straight to BS #2.

 

So isn't that kind of the same thing? Or, because they're both betrayed spouses, they get a pass on the whole spilling secrets thing?

 

This did happen to me. My H at the time began spending a lot of time at his "friends" house. I knew nothing of the situation or the reason why he was there. H eventually left me and moved to his "friends" house.

 

I moved on with my life and began to contemplate divorcing him, but was not sure if it was ok according to my belief system. This was a struggle and I did nothing.

 

A couple of months later I got a letter from his "friend" telling me of the entire story. My H had been hitting on his W while his friend was there. His friend was in the process of transitioning to another state (job reasons) and was gone a lot. They got together and told my H friend and she asked him for a divorce.

 

This letter of H's infidelity gave me the answers I needed as far as divorcing him...the only importance of the knowledge of his infidelity was for me to be ok with my beliefs.

 

This might be a topic for a different thread, although want to communicate my feelings on "telling" and why. I am in no way cutting down anyone who believes differently.

 

If someone confides in me with ANYTHING, I will take it to my grave. Even if I know of something, I cannot bring myself to even betray the unsaid confidence whether I know them or not. It was how I was raised and was the culture in which I was raised. After coming to my own knowledge of right and wrong, those original feelings about the matter remained. I don't believe I am wrong in this and when confronted with this in the past, I became overwelmed with guilt with the mere thought of betraying a confidence or known confidence.

Edited July 26, 2012 by pureinheart

[alexandria35]

If someone confides in me with ANYTHING, I will take it to my grave. Even if I know of something, I cannot bring myself to even betray the unsaid confidence whether I know them or not. It was how I was raised and was the culture in which I was raised. After coming to my own knowledge of right and wrong, those original feelings about the matter remained. I don't believe I am wrong in this and when confronted with this in the past, I became overwelmed with guilt with the mere thought of betraying a confidence or known confidence.

 

Anything? What if I told you I was molesting children or stealing from people. You would choose to stay quiet about that because I told you in confidence? Even if telling meant you would save my future victims?

[pureinheart]

Anything? What if I told you I was molesting children or stealing from people. You would choose to stay quiet about that because I told you in confidence? Even if telling meant you would save my future victims?

 

How many times has someone confided concerning something of this nature? I've never run across this, so I still stand by anything...k....

[woinlove]

How many times has someone confided concerning something of this nature? I've never run across this, so I still stand by anything...k....

 

I think the question was trying to get at how one balances other values and desires, like compassion for others, with keeping a confidence. Perhaps more relevant to this thread might be a case where a good friend confides that she is having an affair with the husband of someone you love (we have read on LS of good friends betraying each other through affairs) -- your daughter or another good friend... The WH or her won't confess directly, so do you also keep the secret or not? How some people respond depends on how much connection and compassion they feel for the betrayed. It might be different for a daughter, a friend, a neighbor, a stranger,...

 

While your post was about a third party revealing a confidence, this thread has also discussed the case of the OW revealing the truth. That's different, since she is in the relationship with the MM, it is her relationship, and it is up to her whether she hides the relationship or talks about it openly.

Edited July 27, 2012 by woinlove

[Radagast]

trinity,

 

Why do you think the WS that does confess waits to tell until the affair is over with?

 

sleepie,

 

Most WS's, that were like my H, only learn their lessons after they have to pay the consequences for cheating. I feel like the ones that never get caught will keep up their bad behaviors because they got away with it.

 

I told my ex-wife about my affair not for altruistic reasons. She did not want to know and she chose not to believe me. I told her because I had to tell her, for my own reasons. I am not a dishonest person and although my affair was not a secret, I had not told her and felt that I was being less than totally honest by not telling her, whether or not she wanted to know. My choosing to tell her had everything to do with me, and my need for disclosure, and nothing to do with her needs or choices. But I was OK with that, it was an important part of my learning to assert myself with her and putting my own needs ahead of hers, as I was learning through my counselling.

 

Yes of course Tenacity is correct, no one can ever know whether telling will be a good thing or a bad thing for someone and in her case there was a very real risk that she could attempt suicide again or become violent again but I knew I had to do it for my own reasons, and live with whatever the consequences turned out to be rather than being held hostage by her possible reactions.

 

I would have had, and have, no intention of ever having another affair. Had I not informed her that would still have been the case. Telling had nothing to do with not repeating that behaviour. It had to do with my self-image and my choice to live fully authentically. I needed her to know that I was not who she thought I was or who she thought I had been, and I needed to know that I could stand up to her and tell her despite the risks, and I needed my wife to know that I was proud of our relationship and did not want it hidden from anyone, I wanted the whole world to know how much I loved her and that included my ex-wife.

 

And of course I did not want my children to feel that they were trapped into having to keep a secret. They knew since I had first spoken to them about the affair that I did not want them to feel complicity or bound to secrecy, but I also realistically felt that they may do so anyway out of loyalty, so I wanted to absolve them of that burden.

[Got it]

For whomever has read "When Good People Have Affairs" Mira says that the BS does not need to know is all cases and goes through the whens and whys.

 

For those who have read the book, thoughts?

 

I did not tell my ex husband about the affair for a few reasons. One, I was already planning on leaving the marriage and did so within a few weeks of the affair starting, two because the reason I was leaving the marriage was due to the marriage and not the affair, three ending the marriage was enough of a hit to the self esteem, and since self esteem was already an issue for him I didn't want to compound it for him for later relationships.

 

It felt right for us. He has moved on very well that I am not sure he would have been able to do with the additional hit. I did not gain anything in the divorce to warrant not telling so it was not for financial gain. We do not have kids so it was not for that reason either.

 

Our marriage had enough issues there was no questioning by either party that it was a major surprise to have come that.

[woinlove]

For whomever has read "When Good People Have Affairs" Mira says that the BS does not need to know is all cases and goes through the whens and whys.

 

For those who have read the book, thoughts?

 

I've read that Kirshenbaum's books are based on the views of one therapist (herself) since she doesn't use the results of studies. While this gives a personal view, it may not always lead to consistency, if her own views have inconsistencies.

 

Do I have to tell my husband I had lunch with my ex?

 

We know it’s easier not to, but yes. “My rule is, don’t do anything you can’t tell him about,” says Mira Kirshenbaum, author of I Love You but I Don’t Trust You. “These things have a way of coming out, and even if what you did was innocent, the hiding will make it seem anything but.”

 

Her answer seems rather strange in light of what you write about her advice in another book. If you had lunch with your ex then you have to tell your husband, but if you had sex with ex over lunch, then maybe you should leave the sex part out when you tell him about the lunch? Hmmmm.

 

ETA Probably the books/answers are written with a different target audience in mind. The trust book was obviously written for those who don't trust their spouse - perhaps BS - whereas the other was written for people who have affairs.

Edited July 27, 2012 by woinlove

[2sure]

having been an OW...I would never tell. having been a BS I say I would want to know, no matter what or from whom, or what their reason was for telling me. it's my right as human being navigating a life.

 

to me, there is no one answer. But certainly one would have to admit that finding reasons for not telling is easy for the people inclined to keep the secret..either because they are afraid or ashamed , or possibly because their spouse is dangerous.

 

I've also heard some Here say that the BS must know...through clues or past ddays or something. and to that I say...if your saying the conversation has been had, that the BS has been told...seriously, that such a cop out. Telling is telling, it's not a mystery or trail of bread crumbs. A BS might go into denial, which is fine...who knows? but they have been told.

 

in my defense for not telling, and there always is one...it was years after the fact before I knew that I had truly participated in BS life in a hidden way...and took until I was BS for me to even grasp what it meant.

[road]

...does this also apply to revealing the info if the other MM/MW's BS would find out, too?

 

I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out.

 

But if two married people have an A, and one of them confesses/reveals to their BS, almost certainly the other BS in the event will find out the information, too. Most likely because BS #1 will go straight to BS #2.

 

So isn't that kind of the same thing? Or, because they're both betrayed spouses, they get a pass on the whole spilling secrets thing?

 

 

When a OW/OM tell it usually is to cause their AP to get thrown out by the BS.

 

When a BS tells the other BS it is to kill the affair and save their marriage if not both marriages.

 

Different motivation and different desired end results.