Boyfriend BAD at reassurance!

[mugirl213]

OK I think no matter how I write this message it's going to come off badly...and make my boyfriend sound like the worlds biggest dick. But that's really not the case.

 

So here's the sitch. We work for the same company, but not "together". When he comes down to my department (I never have to go to his), he sometimes comes with a girl that works in his (not always the same girl, just, a girl) and sometimes they are all chatty and laughing and talking. It drives me insane! Especially since I know when he goes to lunch, he goes with a whole group of girls (or guys depending). Now I know the particular girl I'm jealous of is logically not a threat. She's engaged and due to be married like...next week or something. And he's never cheated in any relationship (though I have). He's never given me any reason in 6 months to believe that he would be unfaithful to me. But for some reason this drives me wild with jealousy. A few weeks back, he came down with this girl and then called me when he got back to his office (just to say hi and chat a bit) and I made some snarky comment about "Well why don't you ask your OTHER girlfriend" and he obviously got mad at me for this. It's because jealousy essentially says that you don't trust your SO. But honestly I think it's more MY issues than his. I've brought all this up to him and he jokes about it with me. That's his way of reassurance. Like "ohhh yes, you've caught me, I'm sleeping with her." Or something of that nature. And then I look at him all sad and he's like "STOP! You know I'm kidding!" But it makes me feel bad nonetheless. He's very caring towards me and I'm 100% certain that he's not cheating (in my logical mind) since we live together and before that spent alot of time together. I think he jokes about it b/c he thinks the idea is so ludicrous that it could only be taken as a joke (he told me so). But I guess this is not what I want to hear as my reassurance. It makes me feel insecure and jealous and I don't like it. His actual actions aren't shady in the least. But just the way he jokes with me kinda makes me feel bad...if that makes sense. When I tell him this he says, "Oh now I can't joke with you?" And I'm like..no, it's not like that...it'sjust hard to explain. He said that ex's have told him that he's not very good at reassurance and I can vouch for that...but I think it's b/c he thinks we should all just "know" how he feels about us. Like when we're together or he calls me it's perfect. It just makes me feel bad when he jokes instead of saying "Oh don't be silly, you're perfect for me!" or something of that nature. I know that actions speak louder than words...but the words are nice to hear.

 

Plus the other thing is that he's explained to me that it takes him a long time to say the words "I love you" b/c he thinks they are used too lightly today. That people just throw around I love you like nothing. (It took him 2 years to say to his ex) So I think that is part of it too.

 

Any suggestions?

[StartingAgain]

You've answered your own question in your post. The proplem isn't with him, it's with you. You are jealous of him having anything to do with other women. This is because you don't believe in yourself. Only you can get a handle on this. He clearly doesn't understand your reactions. He thinks them a bit silly. You want to keep this man in your life? Then you had better get to the bottom of your own insecurities. It is not his place to be your therapist. It is not his job to shore up your self-esteem and govern his behavior so that you don't feel threatened. His job is to love you and to support and comfort you in a real crisis. The rest is up to you.

 

He's right, "I love you" is too lightly used today, especially by women. Often they don't mean it. Men don't profess love in real life as they do in the movies and romance novels. He may care for you a great deal, he may even love you, but your behavior and insecurity is holding him back. Once he tells you he loves you, the game changes. He won't go there with a woman who's behavior tells him that he may be hooking up the the "jealous, controlling psycho bitch from hell." He's biding his time right now, waiting for you to have enough trust and faith in him to understand that his relations with these other women is innocent. He'll only wait so long. You havge to get to work on yourself.

[supermom]

There is nothing wrong with talking to the opposite sex. Jealousy will only tear your relationship down. Eventually he is going to get very sick of it.

 

Maybe try to chat to the girl yourself, like "hi how are you" and show that you are confident in your relationship. Confidence is more of a turn on than jealousy.

 

Good luck. Sounds like all is okay as long as you can get a grip on your jealousy issues.