Is my marriage worth saving?

[wryterlady33]

When I met my husband four years ago, I knew he wasn't perfect but he seemed to be a good person deep down. As our relationship progressed I accepted the fact that he had a little bit of a temper and I thought I could work around it. (As I was used to temperamental relationships both of my parents were like this.) Just two years after meeting him we got married. Now we are approaching our 2nd anniversary and I'm torn. His temper has gotten out of control. I cook, clean and work full-time. He criticizes my cooking and my ability to keep a clean house. He complains that I am incapable of learning how to do anything right. If something goes wrong he blames me. I had some cavaties filled for the first time in my life this year and it was a terrible experience...instead of comforting me he told me that I was an idiot for chosing a bad dentist. He calls me "pudgy" and says it is a cute name that he is being sentimental. I continually tell him that pudgy means fat. And let me say that I am not a heavy woman. I'm 5'8 and weigh 140 lbs. I like being healthy and I want to work out, but I'm exhausting by trying to live up to his expectations of me. The hard part of all of this is that he can be the sweetest husband in the entire world and the next second "snap" and tell me to get out of his face because he is angry with me. He isn't the same person he was when we first met...and it makes me incredibly sad. He works from home and refuses to go out anywhere or to make any friends. When we do go out somewhere he is nervous and uneasy. Why do I want our relationship to work out? Is there something wrong with me??? Any advice is very much appreciated.

[fredrolin]

apparently your husband is miserable and unhappy with himself and is taking his anger and frustration out on you.

By putting you down he temporarily feels better about himself.

 

It is not normal to never want to leave the house or not have a social life.

 

This man appears to have alot of emotional problems, but you haven't given us enough information to see the whole picture.

[wryterlady33]

Maybe this will add some light to the situation. We lived in Chicago when we met and we both worked in corporate offices outside of the home. I lost my job in 2001 and so did he. Because his job is eCommerce Development he found another job right away for a small startup company. Since I am an editor, I found temporary work fairly easily but no permanent jobs were in sight. His father was living with us at this time. Before moving in with us his father had been living in Florida alone and was miserable, so he moved to Chicago to live with us until he figured things out. When we started looking for more stable employment his father suggested that we try Florida because he thought we would like the weather and people there. In 2002 I got a job offer in Florida and he worked out a deal so my husband could work from home. Since driving gives him so much anxiety he thought this would be good for him. All three of us moved there. (He lived with us for 3 years) His father has since moved out and back to another country (Latin American) where he is taking care of his elderly mother.

 

Now my husband's job is very rocky and he is lucky if he gets his paycheck. He has been looking for another job for the last two years with no luck. He interviews and interviews but no one wants to give him a chance. He tells me that he hates Florida and that it is too hot and I think he may resent me for having us move here. I've even tried to look for another job back home, but it just hasn't happened.

 

But I don't want you to think that he's just been like this since we've moved to Florida. He's was like this in Chicago too! I guess that's why I'm so confused.

 

I'm seeking out a marriage counselor now, but I'm not sure he'll be willing to go to therapy. I don't want to give up on him...but I'm not sure I can sacrifice my own happiness any longer. Does that make me a selfish person?

 

Thanks again for all the advice.

[Moose]

I don't think it makes you selfish to want to be happy. I can see however why he's so angry. And he won't tell you this but his anger really isn't at you. It's himself that he's angry with. When a man can't provide for himself and more importantly his wife and family, he begins to eat at himself.

 

Also, you are at the most vulnerable time of your marraige. The first 3 or 4 years are always the hardest. It's gonna take 100% from both of you to keep things together. You two have already been through a lot of changes and looks like you're getting ready for more.

 

I'm proud to see that you are seeking councel. Hang in there and keep us informed!!

 

Good Luck!!

Moose

[wryterlady33]

Both of you have been extremely helpful. Thanks.

[FolderWife]

Ok, I went through this same CRAP when my husband and I were buying a house. He would ask me question on top of question, on top of question about the house...like, "Did you call so and so? What did they say? Did you ask them this? WHY NOT? THAT'S AN OBVIOUS QUESTION!!!!!! YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!"

 

Every time we talked, it ended in me crying. After two months of this crap, he confessed to me, that his boss was telling him that he may get laid off.

 

So my husband was stressed with buying a house, added to him worrying about losing his job. I guess he didn't tell me up front, because then I would quit working toward the house.

 

He treated me so badly, that I almost left him. I just already had so much invested in buying the house, that I didn't want to back out. MANY times, I'd drive out to the house, and see if it was worth all the effort. I was working so hard to get it, and my husband was knocking me down every step I took.

 

After the house was purchased, and everything finalized, my husband did a complete 180. He's the best husband in the world right now.

 

My dad was like that. He couldn't handle stress.

 

I was stressed too.

 

I see myself sometimes being agrivated, not at my husband, but just agrivated, and I'll catch myself taking it out on him.

 

Your husband CLEARLY is stressed about not having a job, and being in a new place. Temperamental men are really hard to talk to, so I don't know how you can resolve this.

 

If he's like my husband, then it would KILL him if you left him, but he wouldn't even understand what he did wrong.

 

You can't guess, because you'll guess wrong. I've been where you are, when you can NEVER do ANYTHING right, and there have been times that I've been stressed about things, and my husband couldn't do anything right.

 

It just depends on how much you can take. If you can stand to live with him a little longer, then try it. Do you fight back? Maybe try not fighting back. Ignore him. If you already don't fight back, try fighting back. Call him the same names he calls you.

 

If he hates Florida so much, MOVE!

 

I don't care where I live, as long as it's with my husband. I told him that. He was all stressed about losing the house if he gets laid off, and I explained to him that if we bought cheaper vehicles, we could keep the house. He has nothing to worry about. If it comes down to it, we can buy a smaller house...it's not like we can take it with us when we die any way, right

 

So maybe find the source of his stress, and help him with it. If you find out that he misses Chicago, offer to move back. If he wants a job, ask him where he wants to work at.

 

I know that when you are in the can't do anything right mode, communication is almost impossible, because he's a grouch, and you are heartbroken.

 

I'll be praying for you.

[sinner]

Is my marriage worth saving?

 

Assuming no kids, my answer is a qualified No. Absent therapy/meds, people like your husband don't change. He sounds hostile, depressed, agoraphobic and brutally insecure. Also it appears that your role in this marriage is to be his handmaiden and punching bag.

 

The longer this emotional abuse continues (and it will continue absent effective therapeutic intervention) , the lower your self-esteem will fall and the more his anger, abuse and contempt will affect you.

 

Marriage is not a license to abuse, humiliate and bully one's spouse. I'd exit, now. Being single is better than living with this bully boy.

[icelollie]

If you won't go to therapy or make a consistent effort towards change, dump him, asap---things will get worse in time

[jst4u]

Sweetie get out while you still can. You knew he had a temper before you got into the relationship and it may get worse he may become physical. For your safety leave. He seems like the obsesive type that is more about control and making you feel bad to make himself feel good. Please I ask you to get out before it gets worse. All to many times you hear the line he doesn't mean it when he hits me or but I love him or he doesn't mean anything he says he is just having a bad day! It is not worth it there is someone out there that will treat you alot better than that man will. If he had a temper when you started dating and he hasn't changed yet he isn't going to.

[Mr Spock]

Sinner, as usual, is the M-A-N. Run, run away.....

[kiwi29f]

I would definatly leae him if he doesn't agree to go into therepy. I've been married for 2 years to a very loving man and we both work full time & raise our 1 year old daughter & no matter how stressed out we are he never insults me. When I got pregnant I gain 70lbs & a year after I had my daughter have not been able to get this weight off & my husbands is ALWAYS telling me how sexy I am & that he doesn't care how I look b/c he loves me regardless, I don't keep a spotless house & I only cook 2-3 times a week and he never complains. He gets off his butt & helps me & doesn't cuss me. My father was very abusive to my mother & she stayed with him b/c she thought he would change BUT he NEVER did & she finally got smart & left him. I have a friend that has been with her boyfriend for almost 6 years and he is always telling her she needs to loose weight & controls everything she does. He has made her quit numerous jobs b/c she wasn't home exactly when she was suppose to be. Altough he doesn't hit her he is very abusive mentally. I watched my mom, then my step-mom go through that & vowed I would never find a man like my father & I didn't. Ive even been in a abusive relationship, my ex use to tell me I was fat all the time & I only weighed 125lbs at the time & he would cheat on me all the time. But I stayed with him for 2 1/2 years b/c I thought he would change but to this day he has a 6year old little boy he doesn't take care of & is still in & out of jail all the time. Men like that normally don't change no matter how much you love them & hope they do. For your sake get out while you can before he starts using physical abuse then it may be too late. I'll be praying for you.