Tenacity Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I am sorry Thunderbolt. I made an effort not to judge you in my reply, not to give advice that wasn't asked for - but to try to answer the question you asked. I just honestly felt (after personal experience and trying/failing) that you would have to give something up that you want in order to make it work. Doesn't mean you can't make it work. The problem is that there just aren't that many people here who have succeeded at what you are asking, unless they disconnect their emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 The first day we talked on the phone, he called me a second time later on right before I went to bed proclaiming that he wanted to make this work and that he needed to find a way to get divorced and marry me. It kind of sent a shock through my body and a part of me was scared that he was going to march inside and tell his wife. It sounds as if he has set the stage to give you false hope, and for now you can tell yourself you're fine just being the OW....but are you really sure that's what you really want? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 OK. I get what youre saying. I'm trying to think of the ways that helped me create the distance required while seeing a MM , so that it was just fun. It was fun...not like it wasnt. I think it was important that it not cost me anything...that I not be inconvenienced as far as my time. As in, I wouldn't see him on the spur of the moment and I wouldn't cancel other plans to see him . Ever. That way, it's on your terms always. if he can compartmentalize his life and put you in a box...thats OK, so can you. It's a nice box you can and have fun with and then put away until the next time. Also, for me...and I've said this to other OW here...in love or not: YOU hold the cards. You have no restrictions, he does, You have a lot more to offer him than he does you. He should make up to you in spades what he cannot give you because it isn't a traditional relationship. what's important to you is up to you. Remain empowered. Keep the upper hand. You are optional to him...an extra. He should be the same to you. Something fun, but certainly not required. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I am sorry Thunderbolt. I made an effort not to judge you in my reply, not to give advice that wasn't asked for - but to try to answer the question you asked. I just honestly felt (after personal experience and trying/failing) that you would have to give something up that you want in order to make it work. Doesn't mean you can't make it work. The problem is that there just aren't that many people here who have succeeded at what you are asking, unless they disconnect their emotions. I know Tenacity, Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I hope you change your mind but it seems like your mind is made up to continue the affair with him. Accept your role as the OW. Nothing more, nothing less. Enjoy it for what it is and don't rely on him for much. Don't put him first and do not put your own life on hold (waiting by the phone, cancelling plans if he calls you and wants to see you - Say no and go ahead with your own plans!) don't bail on your friends and family because he may call and want to spend the weekend with you. He certainly won't put you first above his wife and kids. Believe that!! Do your best to not let your emotions and heart take over. Thanks, this is what I've been looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Would you encourage this situation on your sister or best girlfriend? No, I would not. I'd be responding to her the same way you are all responding to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 OK. I get what youre saying. I'm trying to think of the ways that helped me create the distance required while seeing a MM , so that it was just fun. It was fun...not like it wasnt. I think it was important that it not cost me anything...that I not be inconvenienced as far as my time. As in, I wouldn't see him on the spur of the moment and I wouldn't cancel other plans to see him . Ever. That way, it's on your terms always. if he can compartmentalize his life and put you in a box...thats OK, so can you. It's a nice box you can and have fun with and then put away until the next time. Also, for me...and I've said this to other OW here...in love or not: YOU hold the cards. You have no restrictions, he does, You have a lot more to offer him than he does you. He should make up to you in spades what he cannot give you because it isn't a traditional relationship. what's important to you is up to you. Remain empowered. Keep the upper hand. You are optional to him...an extra. He should be the same to you. Something fun, but certainly not required. Thank you -- this helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
jade4071 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I don't want to judge you because I was an OW many years ago.....I think I can understand how you're feeling. But just a question, regardless of the MM's marital status, why would you want to go back to any relationship that clearly caused you so much pain? Are you sure you can hold back, compartmentalize, this time around? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss.Misunderstood Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 There will come a time when you will fall for this man. And thatll be it. You will cry your self to sleep wishing for one more night with him. Wondering where all the years went. If he got hurt tomorrow (say a car wreck) the hospital wouldnt call you. Your not his. She is his. If she loves him and has no idea that your in his life and he got killed and you stepped forward and said "i was his OW. And I loved him to pieces".. Look what that would do to everyone. His wife would be so mad, feel so betrayed. Wouldnt know why she was crying over a husband that really didnt love her...And all this time. That women... she wasted all those years thinking everything was fine... I wish you the best of luck. I really do. Just think...Some fairy tales dont always have a happy ending... sincerely, Hope Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Thunderbolt, my response and the others so far aren't meant in a mean way, we sincerely don't want to see you bring further pain upon yourself. Look up the stages of grief please, pay particular attention to the bargaining stage. Hugs........ LG -- I know that you ladies aren't out to be mean to me. You wouldn't be taking time out of your Friday nights to respond to some stranger if you all didn't want to help. I'm not offended in any way by any of the posts. It's just hard when I come on here asking a specific question only to have everything possible angle suggested to me except content pertinent to the original question. I know that the odds are stacked against me. Believe me, I read often on this forum and I can't really think of anyone who's succeeded at being a happy OW -- unless it's a sex only type of deal without any emotion. My goal is to keep living my life the way I have been for the last year without him in it. I will never again drop friends, family, plans, etc. for him ever again. This I can promise you. I did this last time and I was disgusted with myself after looking back on all the times I put him first. I've got some time to process all of the advice you've all graciously given me. MM is out of town until mid-next week and I'm then out of town mid-week until the end of the week. The earliest possible time for us to see each other face to face is over a week out. Perhaps this is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 DO post and ask for help if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Thanks, this is what I've been looking for. Only you for a short period of time will this work.. This will only work for so long before you get too attached and your expectation level goes higher. It's like FWB between single people, the rules do change as time goes on..Because feelings always get in the way and most of the time it's one sided. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I'm hearing what you're saying - and I'm not judging you - but I just wish you the best - so I offer some things to consider for YOU and YOUR best interest. Please know that no one will look after YOUR best interest but you... And IF you don't - who will knowing that you don't require that FROM YOURSELF? We train people how to treat us. Do you expect so little of him that you expect nothing? Or rather nothing but friendship and sex? I'm going to ask why you have come to this reasoning with yourself too... Could it be that he's not willing to OFFER you much so that you feel the need to settle for what he is offering? HE'S CERTAINLY looking out for HIMSELF - why aren't you willing to do that too for YOURSELF? You COULD date available men as you go along - and YOU SHOULD! And you should tell him that you intend to! Remember too - IF he were to go to the hospital - YOU wouldn't be allowed in... Mainly because you're not his immediate family. So when something does happen to him as he gets older - you will be shut out of contact just by virtue of not being his family. IF his W finds out - expect him to talk trash about you. That might really hurt you. I'm hoping you might see some different perspectives about the reality of how hard this may become - since you're so intent to go down this isolating world - the reality is sometimes it will feel lonely. You do deserve better. I hope you'll consider the big picture for YOUR BEST INTEREST. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Thunderbolt I went back and read the first thread you ever started on this forum. You were two month into no contact and the MM had was trying to get together with you. On that thread you sounded very level headed about the whole situation. You came across as an intelligent strong woman who knew what she wanted and what she wouldn't settle for. Several posters even said they were impressed by how you were dealing with things and handling the situation. On this thread you sound like an entirely different person. Quite the opposite from the person in your first thread actually. I would recommend that you read your posts from the old thread and then read your posts on this thread. Then ask yourself which woman you really want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I came here to get some suggestions on how to lead a happy life as the OW. Obviously, nobody has succeeded at that on this forum thus far tonight. I'm not really getting the answers I'm seeking. You were given suggestions on how to be happy. If they were not sufficient I'll elaborate. You will never be happy. You will only be content. First line of defense in pretending to be happy is to not act like you are in a relationship. He is a f*ck session only to be used for your gratification. Base this affair on sex and sex alone. He does not call, text, or email you unless it's to set up a session and vice versa. That is how you will pretend to be happy. You have to detach yourself emotionally from him. You think taking it slow is going to protect you. Taking it slow is only going to make you fall in love with him more than you did before. You love this man so much you can't live without him in your life, fine. If you love this man as though he is a part of your life, you will never be pretend happy. You will only be in misery. Detach yourself emotionally. That is the best way I think to being pretend happy in your situation. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Okay, you're all starting to grow on me. After a couple drinks, some reflection and some serious introspection -- I get it. MM is not the solution. I love him, for all the wrong reasons. I have a lot to think about. BTW, why do you all care so much? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Quite the opposite, I realize that you're trying to save a complete stranger from despair. Hats off -- I come here when I need help and then disappear. Thank you all for caring enough. Sometimes mankind can disappoint us, not here. Lots to think about. Thanks for the tough love... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Okay, you're all starting to grow on me. After a couple drinks, some reflection and some serious introspection -- I get it. MM is not the solution. I love him, for all the wrong reasons. I have a lot to think about. BTW, why do you all care so much? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Quite the opposite, I realize that you're trying to save a complete stranger from despair. Hats off -- I come here when I need help and then disappear. Thank you all for caring enough. Sometimes mankind can disappoint us, not here. Lots to think about. Thanks for the tough love... People here helped me when I was very broken. I'm grateful... And willing to help others become strong enough to believe in themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
zanzi Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 dont do it. :/ I was in a simular situation but he wasnt married. It brought out the worst in me. I even plotted her downfall and tried to destroy their relationship. For who, that guy? why??? he's not worth it. Recently I saw the guy in question outside a sexual health clinic, he was holding some sort of cream because he'd caught crabs off another girl he was cheating on his gf with, after me. why are you wasting your time????????????????? Hmmmm???? I wish I could convince you. You will not get out of this unscathed, you will be hurt very, badly, that much I can guarantee and promise you. This man does not care about you or his wife. That much I can promise. You are both assessories to him. He will dispose of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 A bit off topic, but I have to say that I have completely, totally renewed respect for those of you who give this advice to members over and over and OVER, and WWIU, who has 45,000 posts and I can't even imagine. It bothered me that this OP didn't take my advice from my own earned pain but she didn't take anyone else's either - just wanted to hear what she wanted to hear (which she won't hear until she lives it... it's just the way it is... but is so hard on the people who try to help). Thank you for those of you who have been here for so long and have offered this advice over and over and OVER, and have lived through everyone discounting it, and you still keep giving it. That is what makes this place what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 It bothered me that this OP didn't take my advice from my own earned pain but she didn't take anyone else's either - just wanted to hear what she wanted to hear (which she won't hear until she lives it... it's just the way it is... but is so hard on the people who try to help). I share your frustration as sometimes (all over the forum, not just here) people ask for help but unwilling to 'hear' any advice as their minds are already made up. some have to live through more pain and heartache before realizing they've had enough or the situation they're putting themselves in is very damaging and unhealthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Okay, you're all starting to grow on me. After a couple drinks, some reflection and some serious introspection -- I get it. MM is not the solution. I love him, for all the wrong reasons. I have a lot to think about. BTW, why do you all care so much? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Quite the opposite, I realize that you're trying to save a complete stranger from despair. Hats off -- I come here when I need help and then disappear. Thank you all for caring enough. Sometimes mankind can disappoint us, not here. Lots to think about. Thanks for the tough love... Because when read about someone's pain and heartache, then they are about to make the same mistake, choose the same path they were once on that nearly ruined them, it's automatic that MOST will try their best to help and prevent you from making a horrible choice that will do a lot of damage to you in so many ways. You're welcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 A bit off topic, but I have to say that I have completely, totally renewed respect for those of you who give this advice to members over and over and OVER, and WWIU, who has 45,000 posts and I can't even imagine. It bothered me that this OP didn't take my advice from my own earned pain but she didn't take anyone else's either - just wanted to hear what she wanted to hear (which she won't hear until she lives it... it's just the way it is... but is so hard on the people who try to help). Thank you for those of you who have been here for so long and have offered this advice over and over and OVER, and have lived through everyone discounting it, and you still keep giving it. That is what makes this place what it is. Couldn't agree more with this post. I know what I'm supposed to do, ladies. It's just tough finding the inner strength to actually follow through. I've read numerous posts on this forum where the poster is not seeing the big picture. I will sometimes sit at my computer screen and literally shake my head in disbelief. I'm certain that's what most (okay, all) of you are doing today based on what I've written. Pot meet kettle, right? It's so easy to see things the way we want to see it sometimes. I'm glad I decided to come to this forum today. So may thoughts running through my head right now. Time to crash -- thanks everyone. You're all amazing, karma is huge and I hope you're all benefitting from it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I just wish the poster hurting tonight would try to be as open minded as you have been. You have the inner strength - you just need to tap into that power source to gain the strength that's there. I call mine my inner child = the one who always knows what the right thing is and reminds me what happy really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thunderbolt Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I looked at some of your older posts and hon, you were in such a bad way, so much pain, but yet in some of your posts you were shining, ready to move forward, take some chances. I don't know what happened, I don't know if you feel like you can't find a man who can replace him, or if you are having some crisis, but I don't even know you but it hurts me to think of you going back to that place of pain and despair again. You've survived it once, so don't take a chance on going back there again. If he helps, remember the worst of it, allow it to wash over you, feel it, then decide, f that, I'm not going back. Alone is better than that.........if one can sit well and happy with themselves then alone is just fine and being able to sit with oneself also opens the door for someone else to walk through it, someone you will deserve, who will have your best interests at heart, only you, and won't be juggling two women. Talk to us about what brought this on...........ok. That is the problem. Hugs...... In all honesty, I'm doing okay as far as life goes. I've been in my new home for over a year, have recently advanced my career, have dated a couple of significant men and have some amazing friends. In the last several weeks, I've been more satisfied with my life than ever. Shockingly, MM called me. I attributed this to the positive chain of events. I'm truly happy with life right now. Perhaps this is why I feel like I'm well suited to incorporate MM into my life. Ironically, in the past year, I've had some really low moments. Seemed like I just couldn't catch a break. I find it kind of strange that I didn't cave in at my lowest moments -- I didn't have any contact with him for 8 months. Almost seems as if I'm stronger when I'm struggling the most. Does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Rewards come to people when they choose to do what's right. Keep being strong... You want to keep your positive energy moving around you! Link to post Share on other sites
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