I want to be the OW and nothing more

[whichwayisup]

In all honesty, I'm doing okay as far as life goes. I've been in my new home for over a year, have recently advanced my career, have dated a couple of significant men and have some amazing friends. In the last several weeks, I've been more satisfied with my life than ever. Shockingly, MM called me. I attributed this to the positive chain of events. I'm truly happy with life right now. Perhaps this is why I feel like I'm well suited to incorporate MM into my life. Ironically, in the past year, I've had some really low moments. Seemed like I just couldn't catch a break. I find it kind of strange that I didn't cave in at my lowest moments -- I didn't have any contact with him for 8 months. Almost seems as if I'm stronger when I'm struggling the most. Does this make sense?

 

You're stronger because you were healing and letting go, he wasn't in your life anymore. Now that he may be around again, you will lose all that you worked so hard for. It's going backwards...

[Thunderbolt]

You're stronger because you were healing and letting go, he wasn't in your life anymore. Now that he may be around again, you will lose all that you worked so hard for. It's going backwards...

 

Powerful and thought provoking. Tough to believe that good things come to those who engage in negative behavior. I generally feel good about my life right now...

[twinsmom]

When I was involved with my second husband, before we married, I knew he didn't want any more kids. He had two teenagers from his previous marriage. I was childless at the time. I knew I desperately wanted to be a mother in the future. Well, we went back and forth about it, and I actually convinced myself that I would be okay with not having kids, because I loved him so much! It didn't take too very long before I realized that I would NOT be okay with never having kids, and we broke up. We ended up getting back together, and actually ended up getting married, with his promise that we would "talk about it" in the future. Silly me..He never wanted to "talk about it" at all. I think he was hoping all along that I would change MY mind..Well, I didn't, and we eventually divorced.

 

I know this isn't your story, but it seemed to have parallels to mine. I could keep the man that I loved as long as I acquiesced and agreed to give up being a mother. I couldn't. It seems like you think that you can keep the man you love if you give up YOUR needs. I ended up divorcing this man that I loved, because I knew that our needs would never agree. I went on to meet the man that gave me my two children. Since that time, since the father of my children died 12 years ago, I was involved for 3 1/2 years with a MM who had no intentions of leaving his wife. I loved him deeply, and would have liked nothing more than for him to be with me. Wasn't going to happen. So once again I was involved with someone who couldn't, or wouldn't, fulfill MY needs. And even though he picked up and moved without a word, he still kept the lines open for a future. I finally decided that MY needs were the most important. And as much as I loved him, I said NO MORE! And although I'm still alone, I've never been happier about the decision(s) I've made. I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I constantly wonder "what if?"

 

Thanks for listening..

[Happyface]

MM and I broke up and got together a few times. Each time I thought I could handle it too. Did all the dating, living my own life etc but was still heavily emotionally bonded to him. I was very soon back in the old groove and on the roller coaster again.

 

Why don't you give it a bit longer and put some more time and distance between you , just to give yourself a fair chance before you plunge back in again.

 

YOu tell yourself you can handle it but do you really believe that?

 

I hope you don't,

 

Happy.

[GettingOver]

Dear Thunderbolt,

To answer your initial question - please read here How To Cope With Being The Other Woman | Baggage Reclaim. This site is very helpful and when you read all the information there you come to realize how stupid you are to think you can settle for less and think WHY you are ready to settle for less. To be honest I have not very much progressed myself but perhaps it will help you.

Reading all the responces I realized I am in this bargaining stage as LadyGrey said. It means I am not ready to loose him completely and thinking better have him somehow at any price than loosing completely. Deep in my heart I understand I am NOT happy with the situation and compromising.

To give you a little background and my current attempts to be comfortable being the OW: we've been in LDR for a year, he is from another country. He was separated with two kids 13 and 16, 15 years older than me. He said he'd divorce and take me to his country. He said he never loved anyone like he did love me and I can't explain what he meant to me. I would kill myself for him, he was my life. I realized he was a package deal and would come with a ton of trouble even if he divorced - ex&kids hating me, losing 50% of his income, no place to live. But I was ready to be with him at any price, it just did feel uncomfortable to think I will ALWAYS come second - after kids' needs. This eventually happened. His youngest got ill and it needed his 100% emotional and financial involvment. He went back to wife and I was left with tears and felt my life was over.

We started talking in a couple months on skype and due to some coinsidence I happened to come to his country and I was 100% sure I woun't contact him there - only in case my life would be in danger. I was for sure fooling myself. I did contact him and once I saw him I was ready to accept whatever to just see him sometimes at any price. No matter married or not, kids or not. STUPID but true.

What's happening now - we stay in touch and he keeps postponing his visit to me due to various reasons. Do you know what I expected? I expected him to be happy I allowed him back in my life with his circumstances, I expeected his constant attention and I am getting crumbs, even less than it was before we broke up!!! I do sort of have him in my life. Am I happy? NO! Each time he sais smth like "I can't because ..." I realise where my place is - in the very end of the list. One child, second child, work, etc. Then me. I tried to convince myself I'm ok with it - for several months. I thought like you - I don't really want to deal with kids, ex trouble, etc. but actually I am still dealing with it cause they are a part of his life - a very significant one - and no matter we are LD I still recognise my place. It hurts - because he is my first and I am his last... If I was not emotionally involved it would be ok, I guess. But I am.

I am currently doing the mistake you are going to do and learning the hard way. So I am sharing my experience.

The good thing is - when I met this MM I was not healed prom the previous failed relationship when the guy left me. I was sort of obsessed and depressed. It all faided away the moment I met the MM. Perhaps one day I meet another guy and what I feel now will also fade away like it happened before...

[2sunny]

OP:

 

Honestly;

 

Accepting the OW role and leaving behind the wishy washy hopes of a life with MM is probably the bets thing to do. In many parts of the world the OW has an acceptable role in supplementing the life and marriage of the MM.

 

If you feel your chances with single men are shut then go for it and do not question your staus anymore. By lowering your expectations you will actually be happier.

 

Lower her expectations? Huh? Why should she have to sacrifice her life and future for the MM?

 

That's just betraying herself!

[scatterd]

I think what he is saying is go for it and you will be lowering yourself. Its in away telling this is what will be if you do.

[GettingOver]

OP:

 

Honestly;

 

Accepting the OW role and leaving behind the wishy washy hopes of a life with MM is probably the bets thing to do. In many parts of the world the OW has an acceptable role in supplementing the life and marriage of the MM.

 

If you feel your chances with single men are shut then go for it and do not question your staus anymore. By lowering your expectations you will actually be happier.

 

I guess the OP doesn't want to supplement his life and marriage. And if that's how she's gonna feel when she gets back with him - she will be back to pain... I guess she thinks that if she gets back to him - despite he is still married - she will be happier and will get rid of that feeling of missing him she described. Perhaps she should try and see how it goes. I am pretty sure it will not be a good experience. But perhaps this bad experience will be better than worse experience of not having him at all - for now. Perhaps one day she'll get tired of all this and perhaps she will meet a new love when she least expects it.

[hermione08]

I cannot imagine anything worse than lowering one's expectations in relationships.

Why should anyone devalue oneself? And especially why should anyone want to be an optional in the life of the person one loves? It's horrible.

I have been in that situation and felt awful.

The man I loved wanted me only as an optional in his life. This sentence is one of the most miserable you could ever utter. I will keep repeating this to myself just in case he tries to ever get in touch again.

You should too.

[hurting tonight]

Ditto, agreed. Just be happy for the time spent together and what it is.

[datura_noir]

Well, it's all good that you are happy. But try not to vent too much about his situation because after all, you are happy being the happy OW, and you don't want more. He has to stretch one life to accomodate two, so it won't be easy.

 

Just be careful of those curveballs life throws sometimes:p

[datura_noir]

That wasn't a snarky post, just a wish for good vibes and hopefully no upset hearts:love:

[hermione08]

Way better is not settle for a married man. Why should wanting a fulfilling relationship be a question of ego validation???? It's merely a question of self respect. But then again, I despise men (or women) who say they need a lover to make their marriage work.

[2sunny]

Folks that have low expectations in relationships are way happier. Low expectations does not mean door mat.

 

All OWs that do not want the MM to be divorced or to leave the wife are way more happy.

 

I will admit that there are some people that cannot lower expectations because their egos are dependent on external validation. Those are destined to suffer.

 

This is so backwards it's pathetic.

 

Happiness comes from within... Not who we are with or not with. Not "things"!

 

Having happiness dependent on someone else is very risky.

[mercy]

I agree with you. Happiness is intrinsic.

 

I was simply making the point of view of women that have relationships with married men.

 

It all just sounds so very depressing to me.

[Thunderbolt]

I have taken a lot of what everyone's suggested into consideration. The earliest I'd be able to meet up with MM is over a week away due to both of our schedules -- so this gives me plenty of time to think. Next month will be a very busy time for me work wise. Not even sure If I'll have time to jump back into something with him. I just feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was a year ago. It feels like I've gained my confidence back, have some dating under my belt and have re-established all the friendships I put on the back burner due to MM. I've really missed MM over the last year and have thought about him every day. But, for some reason, I don't have this undying need to jump back into things blindly. I'd just like to meet up with him, catch up and hang out with it's convenient for me. I have re-created my own life and I intend to keep it this way -- with or without him.

[GettingOver]

But, for some reason, I don't have this undying need to jump back into things blindly. I'd just like to meet up with him, catch up and hang out with it's convenient for me. I have re-created my own life and I intend to keep it this way -- with or without him.

 

I cannot wait to reach this stage, I guess I am half way through after 6 months, I am only happy I am not obsessed about my MM.

I wish you Thunderbolt to be happy with your choice and stick to your strategy

[frozensprouts]

it seems that you want to start the relationship back up with this guy but no be emotionally invested in it to the same extent you were before...

 

but to me, that is kind of like closing the barn door after the horse has already run out. The very fact that you would be willing to accept a relationship with this guy under terms that are less than ideal for you would indicate that you already are emotionally invested in him in a pretty big way... so much so that you'd be willing to accept some circumstances that are less than what you want to have him in your life.

 

you also say that you dated a few guys after you and this married man stopped seeing each other, but none of them worked out. Do you feel you were giving them a fair chance based on their own merits, or were you comparing them to married guy...it would be a comparison in which they would always lose because you still had feelings for married guy.

[Standstrong]

I have taken a lot of what everyone's suggested into consideration. The earliest I'd be able to meet up with MM is over a week away due to both of our schedules -- so this gives me plenty of time to think. Next month will be a very busy time for me work wise. Not even sure If I'll have time to jump back into something with him. I just feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was a year ago. It feels like I've gained my confidence back, have some dating under my belt and have re-established all the friendships I put on the back burner due to MM. I've really missed MM over the last year and have thought about him every day. But, for some reason, I don't have this undying need to jump back into things blindly. I'd just like to meet up with him, catch up and hang out with it's convenient for me. I have re-created my own life and I intend to keep it this way -- with or without him.

 

I think what makes these circumstances soooo difficult is if he died in an accident or something, you would still miss him every day for a long time but youw ould realise inevitably that he is not coming back, you would complete your grieveing process and really give yourself a REAL REAL chance to find someone to fall head over heels with. Hope fully the same would happen if he said 'sorry, I'm married, there is no chance for us!!!' Just my thoughts but if he was any kind of man he'd let you go so you could at least have a chance of finding that romance with a free person. No judgement here, such a hard place to be in ..... wishing you all the best.