eternal.denied84 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Guys, I have been following NC guide with a great dedication for more than 2 years now. I have been with many girls in these 2 years and unfortunately I could not see any of them compared to my Ex. I wonder is it the true love for my ex or is just the feeling of rejection that gets converted into love after getting dumped ? well, here I am again, having a strong urge to just contact my ex and tell her that I am still ready to start a new beginning after 2 years. The question is should I ? 1. what if she laugh at me knowing that I am still stuck at her after 2 years of NC. 2. and What if I do not contact her to save my dignity but keep thinking about her for the rest of my life- wish I had contacted her once ? Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 2 years is a really long time. This really goes to show that life is not a straight line at all - NC doesn't necessarily work in all situations. If u want to contact her, then go ahead, see what happens. If you feel you're better off with her in your life then see what you can do to bring her back into it but if not, let sleeping dogs lie - leave her be and keep trying to move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Yeah, man, this is one of those things where nobody can tell you what to do. Here is some advice, though: 1) Don't contact her unless you are fully prepared to be rejected and humiliated, 2) Don't contact her unless you have, at the very least, a reason for believing things would be different, 3) Decide in your mind if you are contacting her just to "catch up" or to potentially get back with her. Being honest with yourself about #3 is hugely important because it will come out in your conversation with her, trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 After two years I also still carry a torch for my ex, but I've never wavered in my commitment not to contact her, nor do I plan to. But I think after two years there's nothing more that NC can do to help you get over someone, but it can prevent further pain. I think if you do contact her I'd resist the urge to offer a second go as you'd mentioned. That would come off as either desperate or arrogant depending on how you present it. I think a short email to see how she is and break the ice would be plenty. If she responds positively then you have an in. If not, no harm done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steelrain322 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I'm at 13 months NC, which I think is a pretty long time, but I feel like it's not. So I plan on going for 2 years NC, but if I keep reminding myself that I'm doing NC then I'm still holding onto someone I shouldn't be. But the urge is strong to contact her. Am I never supposed to talk to her again? Seems pretty drastic but if she is an ex then I should have no reason to speak with her right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think if you do contact her I'd resist the urge to offer a second go as you'd mentioned. That would come off as either desperate or arrogant depending on how you present it. I think a short email to see how she is and break the ice would be plenty. If she responds positively then you have an in. If not, no harm done. This was my first thought upon reading, you only open yourself up to immediately get laughed at or rejected if you come right out of the gate with saying you're still ready to date her again. If you do give into the urge to contact her I would not be that open about it, just see if she even answers a text or email asking her what's new. One thing I would remind yourself of, which is something I'll have to do when I think about my ex as well, is just remember that in these two years, this person apparently hasn't felt any urge to contact you. For two years they've seen fit to live their life without you in it and apparently are handling it just fine so that might already give you an indication of how they feel about you. It's a total 50/50, there's no real answers here, you can rely on the safety of NC to at least not get hurt again or you can subscribe to the belief that you'd rather regret something you did than something you didn't do. I do think you hit on an important point though when you said sometimes it seems the rejection is what makes us think we miss these people in the first place. Maybe it's really just the lingering wound from being rejected and subconsciously there is a desire to get this person back in your life to finally heal the ego and remove the scar of rejection. It would take a lot of deep thought to figure out if you are just bothered by the rejection and just haven't met anyone else that great yet, or if this really is a matter of still loving that girl. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I wonder is it the true love for my ex or is just the feeling of rejection that gets converted into love after getting dumped ? You make an interesting point and one that I have talked about. That is, that love and ego are closely related. The wanting what we can't have. The dumper not loving a person and then when the person they dumped goes NC and doesn't stroke their ego, they want them back. The LS forums are filled with people who are pining after people who treated them badly. It is the people rejected that seem to want the dumper more, and the worst they were treated, the more they a pining for the dumper. You also see where the dumpee is in misery and then they get some sort of contact by the dumper and it strokes their eo so they feel better and can move on. I have seen it time and time again where the dumpee wants the dumper back, but as soon as the dumper wants the dumpee back, the dumpee no longer wants the dumper back because they got the ego stroke and validation they needed. You also see dumpees saying they would feel better if they knew the dumper was hurting too. I have been there with everything I talked about above. I really think love and ego are closely tied together, at least some of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think Exit made a great point- are we feeling this way because we haven't met anyone better yet? I feel that has a lot to do with it. Sometimes I wonder what's the point in all of this? Each bf/gf feels like "the one" until you meet someone new and they feel like" the one". I wish dumpers hurt as much as we did, but they haven't at all to my knowledge. I wish someone would ripp my exes heart out one day. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Guys, I have been following NC guide with a great dedication for more than 2 years now. I have been with many girls in these 2 years and unfortunately I could not see any of them compared to my Ex. I wonder is it the true love for my ex or is just the feeling of rejection that gets converted into love after getting dumped ? well, here I am again, having a strong urge to just contact my ex and tell her that I am still ready to start a new beginning after 2 years. The question is should I ? 1. what if she laugh at me knowing that I am still stuck at her after 2 years of NC. 2. and What if I do not contact her to save my dignity but keep thinking about her for the rest of my life- wish I had contacted her once ? Seriously these questions have no merit at all. I contacted my ex 6 weeks out, 10 weeks out, 1 year out, and probably will do at the 2 year mark as well. I KNOW EXACTLY WHY I AM CONTACING HER. It isn't because I've been rejected, it isn't because I'm lonely, it isn't because I can't meet anyone else. For the sake of saving a long story, suffice to say I would contact her because I miss my best friend. If you can't say why you miss your ex exactly, that's probably not a good sign. You should know exactly why you miss her and want to talk to her, if it is genuinely missing your ex VS. some other flaky emotion motivating you. Part 2, what if she doesn't respond, will it hurt, will it affect my dignity, etc... Not my concern whatsoever. She hasn't responded any of the previous three contacts, don't expect her to respond to this one either. However like I said, I miss my best friend, terribly, and that's all that matters and all I think about. If you have a good reason to contact your ex, then you should. I know I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Coffee20 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I have contacted my ex two time for the same reason as fucpcg, each time I did, I came to the same conclusion, that it's only and only me who has been missing my ex so far. I think if she really miss you, she would contact you. Two years is a long time, I guess she moved on and probably doesn't think about you at all. But if you want to contact her you should have a reason why would you want to do it. You don't seem to be completely over. I would be only hurt if I wouldn't be over my ex and then I would meet with him or talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
rosadeldesierto Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 1. what if she laugh at me knowing that I am still stuck at her after 2 years of NC. According to this amazing book I just read:"Mars and Venus starting over by John Gray, PH. D.", regardless your ex may laugh or not about you contacting her, it happens that yes, you are stuck. There are four emotions or feelings you must work really hard after a breakup in order to heal. We all use to repress some of those feelings but it is for sure that all unsolved emotions lead you to not be able of finding love again or having success in a new relationship. I do recommend you this book. For sure NC is not all when it comes to overcome BUs. 2. and What if I do not contact her to save my dignity but keep thinking about her for the rest of my life- wish I had contacted her once ? Same thing... There are different exercises for working out the healing emotions. According to the author, I dare to say you will not live for the rest of your life dealing to that. There's a huge list of things to help with healing. From the ones we all know: writting letters, etc. to some other I ever imagined. More than thinking about the ego issues, I would say you are not allowing yourself to be in love again. Men and women we process breakups in such a different ways. The author states that answers about not being able to heal they are 90 percent in our past. Childhood and failed relationships are the roots of the problem. I'm here at 8 months NC and yes, struggling hard to convince myself he was not "the one":( Link to post Share on other sites
Jamesblame Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 No need to contact somebody who hurts you -- even if it's unintentional. Really, there's no need to get in touch with an ex until these things happen: 1.) You can accept that they don't love you and have moved on 2. ) You don't love them and you have moved on. 3.) The idea of reconciling is NOT in the picture 4.) You're ok with the notion of her/him not being in your life. This way, you can send them a friendly letter...but your ego and life isn't negatively affected if they choose to not respond. You're life will only be negatively affected if you contact them when you still have feelings for the relationship. At the end of the day, you can only be friends once you're indifferent to the relationship. The only thing you'll get from a "friendly" contact note while pining for them is a big slap in the face by rejection. After all, they didn't contact you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I probably wouldn't want to do it. My ex never has contacted me once even when someone died in my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eternal.denied84 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 Update: I did send a casual mail to her, 3 days past by and No reply yet. As it appears, I do not think I am going to get any reply whatsoever. Advice to all you dumpees who are contemplating of contacting your Ex after a long time- Never ever ever do that. They are your Ex for a reason. If a contact has to happen It must be from the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
2muchlove Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I'm inclined to say after two years of NC (If it was strict NC) seeing her would actually help. You are only missing the girl you used to date. If you run into her today you'll expect the same one that disappeared 2 years ago. She may look the same, but she's just a stranger at this point. And in seeing her you would realize you don't even want her anymore. Find something other than a relationship with a spouse to make you happy. Then the rest will follow, naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 That sucks, but you deserve better than someone who won't even reply to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 That sucks, but you deserve better than someone who won't even reply to you. Agreed. My ex sprinkled me with breadcrumbs last November, and then quit communication after she resolved her emotional dilema. I wrote her in April and she never responded. That is the end of that. Link to post Share on other sites
ihateslowjams Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I remember reading a thread on here about a guy following NC for about 3-5 years (i forget exactly how long). He had a strong urge to contact his ex in hopes of reconciling but would be ok if she moved on. Well, when he called her, she agreed to meet up. They caught up and she agreed to start over. He never came back on after that last update of his. I forgot his username, but you may never know unless you try. Better to know you did something and failed, than to always wonder "what if" Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I always wonder how they can can go so long in NC and never wonder what happened to us. Especially in my case where I was cruelly blindsided and had no idea. Yet told that I can't communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Lately I've been thinking about a girl many exes ago, it's probably been a good 3 years or so. I don't really consider it breaking NC with her as I am not in any form of "nc" with which I am protecting myself from her, I got over her enough to have other relationships and move on with life, but looking back she seems like the one girl I dated who was actually worth anything. I acted like a typical loser after the breakup and that is the one thing holding me back. I've seen some people post here about how they got in touch with an ex and found out the person didn't hold it against them for taking a little too long to stop trying for a second chance or doing the pleading routine. I'm not sure in my case though, I think the way I acted towards the end is probably burned in this girls mind lol. Oh well not planning on acting on it immediately. I think it's probably a safer bet to convince myself to stop going back to people from my past and just realize it's time to start all over. But maybe some day if I decide I have nothing to lose, I might contact that old ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What do you mean by burned in this girls mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I mean maybe I bothered her so much after the breakup and didn't handle it well that it is not likely that she would have forgotten about it by now. Rather than remembering me for the good times in our relationship and maybe being willing to talk again, maybe when I contact her all she'd remember is the person who cried and acted like a loser after getting dumped lol. I've seen other people say they did the typical begging and stuff after a breakup but that their ex didn't really mind talking to them again a few years down the road, but I'm thinking I might not be that lucky. Anyways no need to worry about me this is not a case where I would break NC and be devastated by it, just an ex that I've found myself thinking about lately and some day may give it a shot just to see what happens. She could tell me to go jump off a cliff or not respond at all but it wouldn't really bother me because I'm not that invested in her. It's not as serious as me thinking "she's the one that got away and I love her so much I have to try again", it's more of a "hmm, she was pretty attractive, maybe I should try my luck with that one again some day". Just me being dumb and thinking about too many old memories. I just don't want anyone to be concerned that I'm thinking of "breaking NC" because I'm not really taking it all that seriously. She wouldn't have the power to hurt me anyway. Sorry for hijacking the thread with my story. Link to post Share on other sites
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