Ranger Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Hello, I am recently separated (2-months). My wife and have been married almost 6-years, dated for 3-years before marriage, and friends before that. We have a 5-year old child that we both love deeply. About 3-months ago, she experienced a death in her family and went into a depression. I had some job and medical challenges this past year and rather than sharing them with her, I kept them inside and somewhat withdrew. But the fact is, I truly loved her and thought she was beautiful. Regardless of the challenges, I always felt she would be there and times would be better. We did start some arguing dealing with minor day to day activities. When she started the depression, it was almost as if someone flipped a light switch and she acted totally different towards me. It's as if there were two people within her body, a warm person and a cold person. She started going out at night (without me) and showed no love towards me. I then found she was confiding is a male co-worker who went through a similar situation. At that time, or shortly before, I think she started an "emotional" affair with this man. I couldn't eat, sleep, and started having chest pains. I told her I would help her is she stayed and it was what I prefer, or I would help her to get set up in an apartment. I gave her several thousand dollars and told her she could take anything in the house she wanted. She left a couple months ago. I did read "stop your divorce" and it did really seem to work better than begging, crying, etc. Things seemed to get better for a little while, but I am worried this other man is giving her the emotional support that I would normally give her. She is also taking medication for depression. I sometimes think the medication makes her "numb" to the emotions that would allow us to try some reconciliation. I feel things are just slipping away and I can't stop it. Any suggestions???
donna351 Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 How to you respond to the death? Do you hold her and tell her you are there for her? I'm in a situation kinda like yours. My husband was in Iraq and on July 4th of last year I found out about e-mails he was sending to other girls. That is my brothers birthday. I got so sick I didn't go to my brothers b-day party...I had extreme stomach pains. Chest pains. Anyway my brother went to the hospital 1 month later, stayed in the hospital for 3 months fighting for his life. He passed away in November 3 months later. When you loose someone so close you go through so much, anger, depression, you feel lost. My brother was everything to me, and I seen him pass away right before my eyes, when I try to talk to my husband about it, all I hear is " I'm sorry" nothing else. Makes me feel like he doesn't care about what I'm going through. And I do Have a male friend that I talk to about it because he makes me feel like he is concerned. My husband should be the one I want to talk to about it, or maybe he doesn't know how I don't know. Pay special attention to this because she needs you more now than any other time! But don't force her to talk about it, sometimes talking about it hurts too much. Show her you care, and love her and she should confide in you.
Author Ranger Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 First of all, I would like to extend my sympathies to you for your loss. I have told her several times that if she has the depressed feelings when she is alone, she can call me or visit any time. We could maybe do something together that she liked to do in the past. I might be some help and I will not do any “serious talk” but stay with “happy talk”. I will do my best to give her emotional support whether it’s understanding, patience, affection, encouragement, etc. I have not and will not “laugh at” , criticize, or whine about her depressed feelings. Most of all, I will not tell you what to do. I have also encouraged her to seek "other" professional help if she did not see improvements to her symptoms, but I do not think she ever will. Please do not take the following comment at critisizism, but regarding this other "friend". What kind of nice guy gets involved with a married woman? What kind of friend it that? It's too easy to create an emotional affair. I feel it might be better to find a female friend to discuss your challenges.
donna351 Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Sounds like your doing everything right.. just give her time. It is a painful thing to loose someone and like I said you sound like you have done everything possible to be there for her. About this friend he has been a friend for along time, and nothing more. I wish you luck!
Author Ranger Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Thank you for your suggestions. The question I have is how much time? Weeks, months, years? Secondly, I see this co-worker of hers as a viable threat to our marriage. He is also divorced for some time and is likely experiencing the lonliness. I know my mind can be my worst enemy, but any suggestions here?
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