What do I do??????

[Angel]

My husband and I got married about six months ago.

 

Things haven't gone as swiftly as planned. We lived

 

together for about a year and a half before we got

 

married. So I thought I knew him pretty well but I was

 

wrong. He is a closet alcoholic. He goes on binge

 

drinking and doesn't come home at all. This has only

 

happened once so I forgave him for that after he

 

promised me that he would never drink again or lie to

 

me again. Now its been a couple of months after this

 

and I find out that he has lied to me again about where

 

he was at and about his drinking. Last month he had to

 

go out of town for two days on business and was

 

drinking the whole time. Then finally he admits to me

 

that he has been drinking like almost everyday ( a

 

couple of beers he says) since then and not telling me

 

about it. How I found this out is he was suppose to be

 

at school (night school) when his teacher called the

 

house to catch him up on class that night. When I

 

asked him about it and told him that it was no use in

 

lying to me about it because I knew the truth he owned

 

up to it all. But now after this when we were talking

 

about it and I asked him if he was seeing someone else

 

because he had been pulling away from me in the sex

 

department as of late, he admitted something to me.

 

He told me that he was not as attracted to me now as

 

he once was. When I asked him why he said it was

 

because I had gained some weight and he didn't like

 

seeing me naked anymore ( For example taking a

 

bath). But that he still loved me with all of his heart.

 

Just wasn't AS attracted to me anymore. Now this is

 

coming from a man that had told me that he would love

 

me if I weighed 50 or 500 pounds no matter what. The

 

question I asked him was this.......How can you say

 

that you love me if you aren't attracted to me? I mean

 

aren't you attracted to the person within? Isn't that the

 

main purpose in making love??? If I were suppose to

 

be only attracted to his body then there would be no

 

attraction at all. Its not that he is fat but he does a little bit of a belly on him. Not to mention not being that

 

much of a man in the other sense either. But I really

 

don't care about that stuff. Its the person within that I

 

am attracted to and want to make love to not just to

 

make love to his body but to him. Am I wrong?? How

 

do I come to grips with what he has said to me? How

 

can I save my marriage? I have been trying to lose a

 

few pounds before he said anything to me but now I

 

feel as though I shouldn't have to lose anything. It has

 

really knocked my self-esteem down to rock bottom. I

 

am so confused and don't know what to do. Please

 

ppl give me some help !!!!! I would like to try and save my marriage.

[Tony T]

Idealistically, yes, it would be wonderful if everybody loved others for what was inside and we made love with the spirit and not the body. But for most people, sexual attraction has a great deal to do with the physical and all the other things are interwoven around that. Yes, it is absolutely possible to love someone with all your heart and soul and not be physically attracted to them...and we reserve the word "friend" for that person.

 

Time can reduce the attraction for many. Seeing someone's body over and over can eliminate the mystery that may be required as their own unique component of attraction.

 

The only way you can get back that spark that is now missing in your marriage is to lose the weight you must...create more mystery in your marriage by not being so available to your husband...wearing new outfits in the evening....changing your hairstyle, some make up features, changing daytime wardrobe. Get involved in other areas of life away from your home so you aren't around and so you aren't quite the familiar sight you are now, at least temporarily.

 

You may even ask your husband just what it might take. Don't think this doesn't happen in a lot of marriages. It's actually quite common and does cause a lot of problems. You may want to consider seeing a counsellor or sex therapist for some action packed strategies for recharging the lovelife you once shared.

 

Both of you may need to share in some exercise activities to keep looking and feeling fit. You shouldn't be offended by this. Having a great sex life is a pretty good motivation for keeping yourself in shape to avoid various diseases brought on by excessive weight and even premature death. The new energy and self esteem you gain will help a great deal as well.

 

Excercise also can use up some of that sexual energy that has not been used in a while.

 

In any case, I think it is good that you want to do something about this. Please do not hesitate to seek professional help. If things don't improve, one day you will want to walk away from the whole thing and that can be devastating for both of you.

[Mitch]

"He is a closet alcoholic. He goes on binge

 

drinking and doesn't come home at all."

 

"Now its been a couple of months after this

 

and I find out that he has lied to me again about where

 

he was at and about his drinking."

 

"The question I asked him was this.......How can you say

 

that you love me if you aren't attracted to me? I mean

 

aren't you attracted to the person within? Isn't that the

 

main purpose in making love??? If I were suppose to

 

be only attracted to his body then there would be no

 

attraction at all."

 

"Then finally he admits to me that he has been drinking like almost everyday ( a couple of beers he says) since then and not telling me about it."

 

What's next:

 

-"Well honey, I'd stop burning down so many buildings if only you'd lose some weight."

 

The drinking came up in your post many, many times.

 

As did the associated lying.

 

I'd say he basically has to dry up and be watched like a hawk for things to work. Is it worth it?

 

Only you can decide that. Even in the best case, it looks like a really rough road ahead...

 

First step though, unless you like it, is to absolutely stop the lying dead in its tracks by letting him know in no uncertain terms that "it ends or we end."

 

And if you don't mean it or are unwilling to act, nothing will change. Odds are he'll have to come to terms with the fact that you mean it this time by learning the hard way.

 

And don't let him put it back on you by saying some horsecrap about "if only you did x, i would do y." Because I would bet good money that he WILL try this.

 

(My guess is that the whole weight thing was just a ploy to get off the topic of his lying and or drinking.)

 

Then you can look at the drinking problem (*ugh*).

 

Good luck.

 

Think carefully as to whether this is worth the trouble and I really mean this...

[Tony T]

I noticed that Mitch mentioned the alcohol problem, which I failed to take into consideration. Very good point. For many, alcohol can change behavior radically and nearly eliminate interest in sex and most other things in life.

 

The factors leading to drinking and alcholism, such as a dysfunctional family background, childhook trauma, etc., can also play a significant role.

 

You can go to the links section of this website, click on addiction and recovery, and find resources on alcoholism. There are organizations that can confirm the problems alcholism can create and perhaps give you some ideas to help him.

[Angel]

Thank you Tony and Mitch. I really do appreciate your opinions about my problem. You are both right. When he went on the first binge drinking I found out (through his mother) that he has had this problem for a long time. He was just able to keep it from me for almost 2 years.

 

He has been to AA before in the past, with his mother insisting. Now when he done this the first time he promised me that he would go to AA. There are AA meetings at my church and he did attend ONE meeting. But every week after that something always came up. Well I just gave up on it after the first month because I didn't think he was drinking anymore.

 

Well the best thing for me to do I guess is to tell him the lying stops or we stop. With that the drinking stops also and he starts going FAITHFULLY to AA every week!! He did grow up with an alcoholic father so that may be where he gets it from. Although his father doesn't drink anymore. Only after his dad had gotten his second DUI and his mother made him choose between the drinking or the family. Looks like its going to be that way for him too huh.

 

I do think that he is worth trying to work through this with. I know it will be a hard road to hoe but I am willing to try this last time. But if he is not willing to try then he will just have to hit the road. The things that he said to me, I don't deserve nor does anyone else. You marry someone for better or worse, through the good and bad times, through sickness and health and he certainally is sick with his alcoholism. But he has got to want to try before any of this will work.

 

Thank you again you both have helped me ALOT!!