imgoingcrazy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Someone please help. I had an affair with my boss for four years. He is a married man. As soon as I commited myself to my current boyfriend, I stopped seeing him. I told my boyfriend of the affair several months ago, he handled it well. Since then there have been a couple of very small things that my boss has said here and there - nothing to really cause a whole LOT of harm. These things hurt my boyfriend and I understand that. I also understand that I really need to keep my job and don't wanna piss of my boss by confronting him. Its been a while that my boyfriend and I have been togather, so it's not like it's a new thing for my boss. He knows how serious mine and my boyfriends relationship is. I haven't done anything to disrepect my boyfriend and our relationship. I feel like I'm stuck. My boyfriend wants to call my boss. There's a little something inside that does scare me, I can't lose my job! Please realize that I have absolutley NO feelings whatsoever for my boss any longer. I fear losing my boyfriend and I love my job and the money it pays me. I can't afford to just up and quit. I have other obligations financially, like a home and a kid. Is he out of line to call him? Should I give my boss a head's up? Please give me your opinions on what I should do. I can't give specific examples without losing my anonymity, so please bear with me. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Tell your bf to please stay out of the situation. This is none of his business. Also, start looking for another job. You can't continue to work for your former lover. I can understand that your bf is rightfully thinking that your boss knows that you must have your job and may use this as leverage to get you back in the sack. He isn't a man of scruples, after all. Also, you will eventually be fired. Women who screw the boss almost always eventually loose theiir jobs. You are a liability to your boss and the company now. So you need to get busy finding yourself somewhre else to work. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 ley your bf know your concerns, remind your bf that this is not the old days: you can take care of yourself. i would definately reconsider telling the bf things that happen at work, if they are not major things, since you know how he reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I think you should take whatever your boyfriend says to heart. Keep him in mind. He should be of your highest priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 What on earth would possess you to carry on a 4-year extramarital affair with your boss? My god, talk about shi&ting where you eat. I can't believe that you haven't already looked for another job. Especially in case your boss's wife finds out! I mean how could you keep something like that secret for four years and not have anyone know? In my industry, tongues would have been wagging. If you are qualified and got your current job on your own merit and not from shagging the boss than it shouldn't really be that big of an issue to get another job. I don't blame your boyfriend for feeling uncomfortable with the situation. I know I would. Link to post Share on other sites
imgoingcrazy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 tattoo- I feel like I have to tell him what's going on...it's an honesty thing. I don't want to hurt him though. I work in a small office of five people or less. I make really good money and have good benefits. I couldn't ask for more, really. I can't quit. I've worked here for years and years. Please understand that what my boss and I had was a relationship. It wasn't just a sexual thing. We had a love affair for 4 years and hid it well. No one knows about it. He won't hold it over my head, he doesn't now and he never will. My boss is a really decent guy and wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I really believe that. I'd never tell his wife either. I just feel like I'm a little stuck because I don't know if I want my b/f confronting him. Me shagging the boss (or whatever you called it) has nothing to do with where I am today. I'm in the same position I was in when I started. There aren't enough people here in this company to really 'get' anywhere far. It's not like you're really going to excel. I guess you'd really hafta know the business. I can't justify my affair and I won't. I know it was wrong and a stupid mistake and I'd never do it again. Atleast I've learned from my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Above all else, do NOT let your bf contact your boss. You've already let your personal life interfere with work in the past. It's not a good thing, as you probably now realize. Do Not let it happen again. I understand your Bf wanting to protect you, but this is a situation he must stay out of. If your boss has said a couple of things here and there, you should be the one to tell him that you would appreciate that he not say those things. If your bf approaches your boss, the situation will likely only be made worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 If you really learned from the situation, then you wouldn't be believing this: My boss is a really decent guy and wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I really believe that. A really decent guy would not have an affair with an employee, let alone an affair with an employees when he is married. Also, what makes you think that if he was willing to cheat on his wife for four years, hurting her intentionally (especially if she found out) that he wouldn't dare hurt you? It doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
imgoingcrazy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 By stating that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally, I am referring to him firing me. He wouldn't do that. Thanks to all of you guys for the input. My question was about him confronting my boss. Thanks to those responses that were on topic. I have asked my boss to chill it a little and he didn't. That's why my boyfriend has the beef with him. They are minute things, but I can see where my boyfriend has a valid concern. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I'd never tell his wife either. I just feel like I'm a little stuck because I don't know if I want my b/f confronting him. If your b/f confronts your boss YOU WILL loose your job. I don't care how nice you think this man is. If your boyfriend starts causing trouble, he will do what he has to do to protect himself and his business. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Okay so you had an affair with your married and I presume still married boss. The affair is over however your boss continues to engage in inappropriate and unwanted behavior despite the fact that you have asked him to stop. Your BF is not happy with your bosses inappropriate behavior and wants to confront your boss. Hmmm, this sounds like a Divorce, sexual harassment and possible wrongful dismissal lawsuit recipe. Say your BF does confront your boss and your boss fires you, what would the reason for firing you be? Would your boss actually say I fired her because her BF confronted me because I was sexually harassing her after having an affair with her. And what would your boss say to having his wife brought into the wrongful dismissal lawsuit to let the court know what if anything she knew about the affair her husband was having with you? Does your boss have kids? If he does then his wife might, in a divorce settlement, get the major share of community property. And we haven't even begun to talk about the sexual harassment lawsuit yet. Will you get fired if your BF confronts your boss? Probably not. Should you sit your boss down and demand an end to the inappropriate behavior and then tell your BF what you did? Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Start writing down dates and times of every time and place you can remember having sex in, and every thing said at the workplace that could be considered inappropriate. You're going to need it, when your "boss" decides he's tired of your new little relationship and tries to reel you back in-if he fails, it's going to get nasty....... I would advise against your BF doing ANYTHING that could be considered threatening. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I used to be the president of an Equal Employment Opportunity Committee and we handled sexual harrassment complaints. imgoingcrazy would have a very, very hard time winning a sexual harrassment compliant/suit, since she had a consensual sexual relationship with this man for four years. She'd be lucky to get a judge to allow it to go before a jury. If it did go before a jury, she'd probably loose. Sexual harrassment is very hard to prove, since in most cases the accused is very careful to make sure that know one is ever witness to the behavior. In imgoingcrazy's case, they had been doing this for four years and nobody knew about it. If she works in what is known as an "at will" state, her boss may let her go at any time. He need only have one of two reasons: he can let her go 1) for cause (she did something wrong) or, 2) because there is not enough work, or her position is no longer required. In some at will states, he doesn't have to give her a reason at all. In at will states, it is nearly impossible to even bring a wrongful dismissal suit, much less win one. Even if she doesn't live in an at will state, wrongful dismissal suits are extremely hard to win. As for the divorce part, you speak of community property. There are only a handful of community property states left. The vast majority are equitible distribution states. In all states the property settlement is a completely separate from the actual divorce case. The judge grants the divorce on what ever grounds are charged and then examines the property settlement. If the settlement has already been agreed upon and there aren't any legal deficiencies, the judge simply approves it. If the couple cannot reach a property settlement, the judge will divide the property based on stadards. The reason for the divorce is not considered in the division of property. Litigation is usually a very bad idea, since the lawyers are the only ones who win. Why should the boss's innocent wife and children be made to suffer for this affair? Every step should be taken to insure that they never learn about it. It's not right to hurt them in order to punish him. And, in some states it is still illegal to have sex with someone who is married. In a some states the boss's wife could bring an alienation of affections suite against imgoingcrazy even though the affair is over. No it simply isn't worth it. I stand by my advice. Muzzle the boyfriend and start looking for another job. Having an affair with the boss is always a very bad, bad idea. But that's water under the bridge and now all that is left is to clean up after the mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 The relationship was consensual, yes However He's making unwanted advances. Soon, he'll tire of your rebuffs and DEMAND you come back to him. Things will start to get uncomfortable. You had a 4 year relationship with this man, he's going to be jealous. Watch your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeti Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 aye, i've been off the board for awhile... Startingagain is absolutely right. i saw an incident like this unfold at a office i work at for awhile a few years back, it ended up real messy. you need to stop thinking about him as your boss for a moment, and realize he was a bad relationship. what is going on here, is a clash between your boyfriend and an ex of four years. of course he must still have feelings for you, the problem is that he is married. for 4 years you made the mistake of giving him something he was not getting out of his marriage and he was enjoying it, now he is starting to want it again. it is a shame that some men do this, but it is highly unlikely that your boyfriend confronting him is going to make him stop. it will probably only make matters worst. you really need to start looking for another job. that is the only way to make the situation come to a hault. - Yeti If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? Link to post Share on other sites
SnowWhite Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy I think you should take whatever your boyfriend says to heart. Keep him in mind. He should be of your highest priority. er...after her child and her mortgage payment rite? ? Link to post Share on other sites
imgoingcrazy Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Thanks for ali of your helpful insight. Since the other day, things have been ironed out and we're sure it's not going to happen again. Thank you for all of your responses! Link to post Share on other sites
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