Do Morals Matter Anymore...

[cms2012]

Ok...so I've been physically separated for 5+ months...but had told my husband in August I was lost in our marriage.

 

We have a 7 yr old and I did move out (1.8 miles away) and have communicated daily and handle our dealing with our child perfectly. We just did a good job of hurting each other, the marriage bond, that caused great resentment and pain to the point of shutdown and ambivalence...it's been a long road.

 

He told me he felt D was inevitable in May, I am not in agreement, but have come to accept that we all have our capacity levels with coping. Last night he told me he pursued someone and had intercourse...and more....

 

He was like, we were over...and I called it as Adultery is Adultery....

I realize people take exception for their own individual reasons, but I never realized I held such a personal truth...I am SO LOST right now...and if ANYONE can share any insight or experiences or opinions, I am truly a non-judging open-minded soul...but I just would like to hear something....

[Spark1111]

I think many people assume that a physical separation means a free pass to date and have sex with others.

 

I was told, that despite physical separation, you are not truly separated until the state you live in declares so in some sort of formal pronouncement.

 

I knew of a woman who called up the OW, in exactly this same situation, screaming that he was legally still a married man, and harrassed both her H and this OW until they gave up.

 

Nevertheless, I am sorry you are going through this. However, i do not think it is all that unusual.

 

Women often view separation as a cooling off period to assess the relationship; whether to fix it or leave it.

 

And many men....well, your H's assumptions were obviously very different than your own.

 

What will you do next? Now, you have infidelity to overcome too, if you decide to reconcile.

 

Or, you also have the choice, as we all do, to see if there is someone out there you may have more in common with.

 

Generally, I believe it is a good idea to fix or end the marriage before dating.... too much baggage, otherwise.

 

Good luck to you.

[cms2012]

And I guess that's where my struggle lies. And where my rage rises up.

As a society we've come to acknowledge and accept that men have a *true physical need* that those needs, need to be met, therefore explaining away any wrong choices they have made.

 

Where I feel it's about time our society accepts that just like men have that *physical need* woman have an *emotional need* that should be honored, catered too, and accepted so to better explain our emotionally driven choices. Woman have learned to 'lay ourselves down' for the betterment of our marriages, well then ya know what....instead of become more of a jerk, try showing your wife a little more sensitivity....can you imagine how many marriages could be saved.....It's unreal to me. But wait that's viewed as weak...right?

 

I truly did my best to embrace my marriage, and remained faithful even though I default to my 'independent' ways of coping. I realize that many marriages overcome this but then what is marriage if can't be a faithful commitment...right now I just don't get that...

[standtall]

CMS..a couple of things from a male perspective. Was this part mutually agreed upon?

 

 

 

Ok...so I've been physically separated for 5+ months...but had told my husband in August I was lost in our marriage.

 

We have a 7 yr old and I did move out (1.8 miles away) and have communicated daily and handle our dealing with our child perfectly. We just did a good job of hurting each other, the marriage bond, that caused great resentment and pain to the point of shutdown and ambivalence...it's been a long road.

 

.

 

If not, then IMHO, it was a form of marital abandonment by you. When people are not getting along, one of the last things a couple should do is to move out.... unless you think you were in physical danger....which you did not mention. Also, you did not mention anything about working on your marriage together.

 

With that being said, what did you expect..for him to remain a monk and pine for you while your were finding yourself from being "lost in your marriage"? Besides he told you back in May, that he was done. Now, I don't agree with everything he has done, but based upon what you wrote, it sounds self inflicted...you abandoned the marriage.

Edited July 22, 2012 by standtall

[cms2012]

Yes, it was agreed upon, after I told him in August...we started counseling.

He moved to his parents briefly but it did nothing for our interaction.

We go through the holidays and ironically I found my place on New Years Day.

 

We had been going to counseling...and getting no where. I am fully 'aware' of the abandonment factor and that is why we created a 'Controlled Separation Agreement'. My intentions behind it were true, he obviously had his own opinion.

 

For the first couple months we tried to do Family Sunday days which failed as he was too wounded to even try. Our counseling sessions were about him and all he's endured, though root issue on my end (it's always about him).

 

I'm not all savvy with these acronyms, so I don't know what IMHO means, but again, it was never abandonment, I left to set outside our toxic ways, to be more available for our 5-6 years at that time, telling us to stop yelling, to heal and gain insight. I had reached a state of ambivalence and it was not healthy for any of us.

 

I know how moving out is viewed, but so you know...yes, we continued counseling both together and apart, but it was like we existed on two different plains.

 

As far as my expectations...yes - yes I did. My moving out was NEVER about another man, it is the FARTHEST thing from my mind. I didn't want him to pine for me, I wanted him to be able to stand on his own two feet. Part of the many issues, I'm totally down with assuming my role, but unfortunately I'm a strong woman and in marriage it has worked against me. I picked up for his lacking and in turn he became resentful. Being endearing in not my strong suit, and something I realize doesn't do well in marriage.

 

So I would probably say that that is 'his story', that I did abandon him but I have a f'ng novel that states its differently. He knew what he'd done to push me to that point, but only to me.

 

Granted, I'm a bit slow in this process, but he's always known I didn't want divorce. I even offered myself to him after some major epiphanies on my end realizing, he is a man and has needs but had he EVER taken the time to realize my needs, or to put forth towards me whatever effort he placed to woo her on to me...we wouldn't be here. I guess some men have learned to emotionally state their love for their woman and still have their dick take them elsewhere. I'm sorry...maybe but my standards are to high....but I would rather be strong and alone (and fulfill my needs as a man would) then be weak and settle for less.

[bluerosekiller]

cms2012 - So sorry you're hurting.

I don't believe that your expectations for your husband's fidelity were too high at all.

From the sounds of it, you made it very clear that you were attempting to work on your marriage & that your physical absence wasn't idicative of an abandonment of your vows. Unfortunately, your husband didn't get the memo.

Or, more accurately, he got it, but chose to ignore it.

I went through this same exact situation with my wife when we separated.

I thought of it as some much needed space as we moved toward resolving our issues & she saw it as, well... basically, open season on men.

So, it definitely goes both ways. It's not gender specific.

 

Peace.

 

Jim

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but i too have no blame for your husband. fter reading these boards for years it's pretty clear that when a woman does the "I need space, Love you but not in love, tril separation stuff, it usually means she has another guy in the picture or at least wants to be free to explore other relationships.

 

Most guys will tell you that when the wife moves out or starts that "need space stuff the relationship is over and they are tod not to punish themselves by pining away and hanging on, only for the woman to toy with them, string them along holding them as a backup plan until they find someone else.

 

Sorry, but you left your marriage, spin it any way you want, but you left your marriage and moved out. He was right on in considering that by the percentages, that marriage was over and he would only hurt himself worse by hanging on and waiting for you to find someone else and then crush him months later.

 

Had your husband come here and told us that you had moved out saying the "I need space stuff, find myself" stuff, most every response that he would have gotte3n would have been telling him to file, to move on, to accept that you either had someone else or were wanting to be single again and they would have been absolutely correct for giving him that advice according to the percentages.

 

I'm not saying you were wanting to be single or wanting to be free, but what I'm saying is that MOST of the time when a woman takes off saying the stuff you were saying that the man either gets himself together and moves on, files for divorce, or too often he hangs on endlessly while his wife dangles their marriage in front of him and uses him as her backup plan while she starts her healing right away. Then, he hangs on for months living in hell only to find out that she has found someone else and is filing divorce, and he realizes he has been played for a sucker and had his emotions toyed with and crushed.

 

So I would say most guys here would be considering your husband a hero in this case. In the end, no matter how you spin it, you already said he was feeling very hurt and you walked out of your home and marriage, it's that simple, and he had every right to begin to move his life in another direction instead of moping around in pain while you are off healing and preparing to be free only to crush his heart a few months later.

 

If you refused to have a sexual relationship with him, and he didn't want the split, then I believe he had every right to begin healing himself, and that means moving on when your spouse just moves out.

 

95 percent of the time, when your situation happens, it's the man who gets his heart crushed while the woman moves on after dangling him like a puppet for months as a backup plan while she has been preparing for her new single life and getting her emotions and life straight.

[cms2012]

As men you can base your percentages on what you want...

 

And that may have been the case or continue to be the case here and there, but it is no way the rule.

 

He stated the stuff you stated to me and actually told me did go on comparable posting boards...but that's part of the problem.

 

TALK to you spouse, don't make assumptions...focus your energy on where it's needed and there won't be a need for any dangling....

 

This is where the issue lies, this is what has amazed and stumped me so when it comes to the marriage of two people. The breakdown is the start, the self absorbed 'victim' crap doesn't help any one.

 

I am only hopeful...and as SAD as your stated percentages are, that there are people like the dude who posted before you who isn't ruled by his dick but actually listens to his heart. Sorry, but I'm calling it like I see. Again, I may be that 5%, but we're out here and it could be 5% less divorces if couples open their minds and grow up together instead of living their self-serving agendas.

Edited July 22, 2012 by cms2012

[Guitarjeff]

And now i go to another thread and see it is a perfect example of what i was saying, and you even posted to it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/336651-lost-hurting

 

See the advice he is getting? Sorry, but if he hangs on and lives in pain while she moves out or forces him to, he is only setting himself up for a huge amount of misery. Amazing that I would see this post right after posting to this one.

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but the way i see it, you refuse to sleep in the same bed as your spouse, you refuse to have intimate relations to satisfy both your needs and to keep that intimate side of the relationship as a balance, then you refuse to live under the same roof as your spouse, YOU ARE BREAKING YOUR WEDDING VOWS in my book.

 

In the other thread you mention learning to communicate "Together", yet you LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND and move out? How is that dealing with things together?

 

Sorry, you may not have had a guy on the side, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't have met someone in the next month or two and just like i said, it was your husband that would have been crushed after trying to hold on.

 

It's easy for you to say, Oh I wasn't going to meet someone or I wasn't wanting to be free, but your actions show that you left your marriage and moved out, and gave NO DATE OF RETURN AT ALL, that absolutely can be construed as you wanting to be free and most men would have told your husband to not end up being made a fool of, and they would be right for that advice.

 

Sorry, but rerfusing to sleep in the same bed as your spouse, refusing to live under the same roof, moving out and getting an apartment with no clear date of return, THAT'S NOT HOW MARRIED PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DEAL WITH THINGS "TOGETHER" That is taking off and abandoning your husband and marriage, and if I had to bet, I would still bet that you would have continued to stay gone until you would have decided to file and then your husband would have gone through maybe months of hell and waiting only to find out he has been made a fool of.

 

 

 

As men you can base your percentages on what you want...

 

And that may have been the case or continue to be the case here and there, but it is no way the rule.

 

He stated the stuff you stated to me and actually told me did go on comparable posting boards...but that's part of the problem.

 

TALK to you spouse, don't make assumptions...focus your energy on where it's needed and there won't be a need for any dangling....

 

This is where the issue lies, this is what has amazed and stumped me so when it comes to the marriage of two people. The breakdown is the start, the self absorbed 'victim' crap doesn't help any one.

 

I am only hopeful...and as SAD as your stated percentages are, that there are people like the dude who posted before you who isn't ruled by his dick but actually listens to his heart. Sorry, but I'm calling it like I see. Again, I may be that 5%, but we're out here and it could be 5% less divorces if couples open their minds and grow up together instead of living their self-serving agendas.

[Guitarjeff]

And lets look at this another way. So you were living away from your marital home so that you could see how you feel about your marriage? Why can't I use different words here to explain what i see as the same thing? You were also living away from home to see if you wanted to be single, right? right? That's the absolute truth. And you also expected him to hang on and wait while you decided if YOU WANTED TO BE SINGLE.

 

There is no difference in saying you were trying to see how OR IF you could fix your problems by living somewhere else, and saying you were seeing if you wanted to be single or not.

 

You are living alone, that's LIVING SINGLE!!! and you were testing the waters to see if you wanted to CONTINUE LIVING SINGLE!!!

 

And you expected him to wait around while you got used to your new life so that when you decided you liked being single, THEN HE GETS HIS HEART CRUSHED after being told you only wanted some space so he hung on living in pain for months.

 

You mst admit that the fact that you moved out and said you needed to see how you felt ABSOLUTELY means that you might have decided that you didn't want the marriage anymore, RIGHT?

 

You wouldn't have left your home had you not thought there was a chance that you may never want to go back, RIGHT? So he was supposed to hang on with the hope while you DECIDED both your fate? Sorry, but he did nothing wrong here.

[funlady]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have also been separated from my husband for about 4-5 months.

 

We had been separated once before, at that time we used the separation to step back and refocus on our marriage. It worked for a about a year but we ultimately separated again. This time we sat down and addressed everything and stated out loud that our relationship was over. We said we were free to date and pursue other relationships. Where I live we must be separated for a year before we can file for D.

 

Things need to be said out loud. What you thought was time to rethink and later retry, he took as time to move on. I cannot really blame him for moving on at the same time I do realize how hard that must be for you. I wouldn't expect my soon-to-be-x to tell me about his new relationship and I wouldn't tell him about mine either.

 

Good luck with all this.

[cms2012]

O.K....first I would like to thank 'Funlady' for sharing her experience - My feelings are truly all over the place at this moment. When it comes to his choices, I did have the thought that if he'd really explained this, in a way that I really heard him, of where he was at and what direction he was headed, then it wouldn't have been so hurtful. Part of me wonders why he even told me, what purpose could it really served...

 

But none of this is 'cut-and-dry' and that takes me to 'GuitarJeff'....

Man you and I are at the opposite polar caps of 'Mars & Venus'

Dude...there's nothing to 'ADMIT TO'....

I am a washed up, overstressed 41 year old with a ADHD/ODD 7-year old and have always been a 'one dick at a time woman' in all my years. The drama my husband created surpasses any day-time soap opera I've ever watched. Yes, I still like to live life, be carefree at times but never over my commitments and responsibilities.

 

There is so much 'more' that is needed to make a marriage a truly successful business venture. And just as in any successful business you need to learn and grow, and do new things to improve. Being stagnant and semi-happy is just existing in life. And that is what I couldn't do and thought I could jolt him to see that in some way...

 

After 9 years of marriage, 12 years of being together we kept hitting that same wall. Yes, I could've 'done my wifely duties' and after my son was of age in that 20-25 year point, I could move on (another disheartening trend), but that isn't what I wanted to do.

 

We had sat at the T-Intersection for years...he admits, he kind of was just accepting this as is...and I couldn't, I wanted more from us and I felt our marriage and family life deserved that....but to this day he cannot take ownership of any of it because he just doesn't see it that way.

 

And that's where all of it does come down to choices...

I'm not looking to take it out on any one type but just as these forums, every person's opinion is there own. And that's what they came into their relationships with, along with certain expectations. Marriage is work, but just sitting in the house together being miserable and nasty to each other isn't meeting what our vows speak on a deeper level.

 

To to summarize;

VOWS mean - it isn't o.k. to leave the family home

but VOWS can also mean - it IS o.k. for the man to have his *ego STROKED*

 

Come on Please...let us agree to disagree and see if we can open up the topic more....

[carhill]

Last night he told me he pursued someone and had intercourse...and more....

 

This is called 'stabbing the M'. He didn't have to disclose anything.

 

Contact a mediator and get things moving. He's done.

[tojaz]

Easy folks, that horse isn't getting any deader!

 

CMS/Guitarjeff, theres a lot of truth to what BOTH of you are saying. All be it from opposite sides of the fence. Funlady said it best, things need to be said out loud.

 

Separation is an awful grey area for everyone involved and a terrible place to be. It is chock full of ambiguities that poor newly emotionally damaged people find them selves having to try and wade through as best they can. DH was left to define separation for himself and he selected the definition that served his purposes at the time. So did you CMS. Nobody set any ground rules, or a goal for the separation, who;s to know what it meant? Most likely at the time it was spoken, neither of you knew where you would end up, or even what direction it was going.

 

I will say, that it has very little to do with what is expected of women vs. men because that's not he case and if this forum was polled I would dare say that the sexes would be evenly split when it comes to tales such as yours.

 

Share the blame, on a legal/moral level your right, seperated or not adultery is adultery defined to the letter. On an emotional level, your H was abandoned. His wife made a conscious and a deliberate decision to separate herself from him for intentions unknown to him. Even if he knows how you got there.

 

So the damage is done, it cannot be undone. What is next for you CMS?

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

CMS - I've been in your position, not as the person who left a marriage, but a similar situation.

 

I am going to say something here that many people on LS who are wounded WILL NOT absolutely agree with, BUT I don't really care if they agree or don't. Do men OR women leave a marriage because it's not working AND DO NOT HAVE ANYONE lined up to leave over? YES, they do. And they do NOT come here for help to be beaten up when they have already been beaten up. The situation should unfold.

 

CMS - As a woman who was left by her husband, I gave him a separation that spelled out that he could live his life as if we were not married. However, that was after our last recon attempt after 3 months of trying was met with him moving in with a married woman. He maintains, and I do now believe him, that the situation happened after he left. Does not make it any easier that someone else was interfering with our recon however. People do leave a marriage with an intent for things to change.....things within the marriage to change. That may have been what my husband wanted as well, however, it would have boded him better to meet it in the middle rather than draw a line. Unfortunately, a lot of couples choose to stand on the guise of my way or the highway and then we get to the him versus her stuff like this thread. That is a total shame, and it leads us right here....to a stalemate of the sexes.

 

To say that a woman leaves a marriage is because there is another man, well that can be telling on you as a man because if all a woman really wanted was a bigger penis, she certainly wouldn't be settling down would she. Or is it much easier to call her a slut? Then why would a man marry such a woman?

 

It's about as absurd as a man leaving a marriage because a slut gave him better sex, did things his wife wouldn't do without making him take out the garbage and mow the lawn huh? Ah...sex without commitment, both sexes struggle with that one in my opinion.

 

9 out of 10 times, the marriage is lacking intimacy....sexual and emotional. Compassion, empathy, caring of someone else's feelings other than your own...and that is the hardest thing for the ego to admit....male or female.

 

So...LS, perhaps it's time to stop looking for skeletons in the closet UNTIL a spade can be called a spade, and ask question to understand what is going on under the surface. It's easy to throw it under the rug and move on with a chip on your shoulder, it's much harder later on to face the chip.

[Guitarjeff]

O.K....first I would like to thank 'Funlady' for sharing her experience - My feelings are truly all over the place at this moment. When it comes to his choices, I did have the thought that if he'd really explained this, in a way that I really heard him, of where he was at and what direction he was headed, then it wouldn't have been so hurtful. Part of me wonders why he even told me, what purpose could it really served...

 

But none of this is 'cut-and-dry' and that takes me to 'GuitarJeff'....

Man you and I are at the opposite polar caps of 'Mars & Venus'

Dude...there's nothing to 'ADMIT TO'....

 

Not really trying to get you to admit to anything. What I am trying to get you to do is to see things from his perspective. Can't you hear what he was saying inside himself? "My wife says she wants to work on things together, yet she cuts off a part of our life that is the intimate side that is a balance to the other things, refuses to live under the same roof with me, takes off and gets an apartment on her own, gives no date of return so i am cut off from intimate contact for an indefinite amount of time whi she lives alone, and as she's driving away she says, "Uh, when I figure out if I want to still be married to ya I'll let ya know", and that could be months, and her last words to me are how we are working on our marriage "TOGETHER"? And I'm supposed to sit here for HOW LONG with no intimate contact, waiting, hoping she doesn't DECIDE she wants to continue living alone, which she already is?

 

Surely you can see that this is completely unfair, one-sided, and unrealistic for anyone to be expected to endure.

 

 

 

I am a washed up, overstressed 41 year old with a ADHD/ODD 7-year old and have always been a 'one dick at a time woman' in all my years.

 

And if your man has never cheated on you then he has been a one pussy at a time man for you, married to a washed up 41 year old woman, and he didn't want to live apart from each other, right? It works both ways, doesn't it?

 

 

The drama my husband created surpasses any day-time soap opera I've ever watched. Yes, I still like to live life, be carefree at times but never over my commitments and responsibilities.

 

Sounds like it's all his fault, and none of yours, I see. Why do i get the feeling he might have a different take on things?

 

There is so much 'more' that is needed to make a marriage a truly successful business venture. And just as in any successful business you need to learn and grow, and do new things to improve. Being stagnant and semi-happy is just existing in life. And that is what I couldn't do and thought I could jolt him to see that in some way..

 

Hmm This is sounding more like it's you being bored and wanting some excitement Ever here of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome)? Semi happy? You just said a few minutes ago that you were both sitting around being nasty to each other and now you are just a boring "semi-happy"? What is semi happy, by the way?

 

After 9 years of marriage, 12 years of being together we kept hitting that same wall. Yes, I could've 'done my wifely duties' and after my son was of age in that 20-25 year point, I could move on (another disheartening trend), but that isn't what I wanted to do.

 

No. it appears you wanted to move on NOW and not wait, that's why you are living single now, you certainly aren't WITH YOUR HUSBAND working on your marriage together. And who was hitting a wall? Your husband didn't want to move out, he didn't decide to go get an apartment because he refused to live under the same roof as you. What wall was he hitting? He was making it through the days, and he was satisfied with "Semi happy", wasn't he? He must have been or else he would have wanted to go get an apartment and "Work on your marriage together", right?

 

 

 

We had sat at the T-Intersection for years...he admits, he kind of was just accepting this as is...and I couldn't, I wanted more from us and I felt our marriage and family life deserved that....but to this day he cannot take ownership of any of it because he just doesn't see it that way.

 

You wanted more from "US and felt your family life deserved it, SO YOU MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME, CUT OFF INTIMATE RELATIONS, GET AN APARTMENT ALONE, GIVE NO DATE OF RETURN, expect your husband to live in a void of your creating and wait for you to decidee if you want to be single, and this is how you are working on your marriage together so that you can giive US and YOUR FAMILY what it deserves? Come on, You and everyone reading this knows this is appearing more and more to be about YOU getting bored and wanting some freedom and excitement and looks like a CLASSIC case of GIGS and you are doing the same tactic that most all GIGS people do, saying the relationship itself is at fault and is only "SEMI HAPPY" and You tried everything and he just wouldn't budge, so you had no choice but to move out and live single because that "Semi happy" life was oh so boring.

 

I'm sorry, but this is looking very familiar to so many other GIGS stories here, you just wanted to hide it. Your husband didn't want to leave and move out because he IS SATISFIED in his marriage, you are the one that is bored and you want some excitement and it appears you have been contemplating ending your marriage to get it, isn't that true?

 

This isn't about you fighting for your marriage and family, if it was you would be home with your husband working on it, but you are off with an apartment living single and expecting him to believe you are working on your marriage together. Sorry, but I am seeing exactly what's going on here.

 

 

To summarize;

VOWS mean - it isn't o.k. to leave the family home

 

Right, and if you do break your vows, cut off intimate relations, get an apartment to live single, you at least have the courage to not insult your husband and your family by claiming you are working on your marriage together because you think your marriage and family deserve excitement and not to be just "Semi-Happy" You be emotionally strong enough to admit that the true reason you are living single right now is that semi happy wasn't good enough for you and it was for your husband but you moved out to test the waters cause you are thinking about breaking up your marriage to be free again.

 

Now, I know this. I too may be washed up. You see, I am 49 years old, and I have been raising my two kids alone for about 14 years now. I am a msuician and could have ran out or dumped them off on family years ago and went and played music on the road, had incredible fun, and maybe could have made it big for I am a good guitar player that has the talent. But I stuck it out with my kids, I play small gigs right now to get by,

 

here are a couple of my songs that I have written and recorded right here in my room on this very laptop, just to show you that I did have a chance and could have been much more had I took off on my kids.

SoundClick artist: Jeff Stewart - page with MP3 music downloads

SoundClick artist: Jeff Stewart - page with MP3 music downloads

 

I am playing everything and the drums are a PC program.

 

Now, last year my kiuds and I lived in a large family home with my mother and brother. I lost both my mother and brother within the span of eight days, then was forced to move out of our family home in to an apartment. I was at a gig last week and a fan asked me how i was doing and I said "I'm not sure, I'm not real happy, nor horribly sad, I guess I am just existing, kind of in a daze, in other words, "Semi Happy". and she said, "you know Jeff, after everything you have been through maybe you realize that being in a rut (Or being semi happy) can be the best thing in the world, because it also means you are not going through tragedies and you realize that you can even be thankful for long periods of being in a rut, because it also means you are lucky enough to be in peace currently. I realized how true that is

 

Now, I see nothing wrong with you leaving if you feel your life has gone in a different direction and you don't feel your inner life is being satisfied, and really, you probably should do that because it wouldn't be fair to your husband to exist and be miserable while keeping him in it too. Nothing wrong with you changing your life, starting new.

 

What I hope you can do is face the fact that this is about you, about you wanting something more FOR YOU, this is not about you wanting to work on your marriage TOGETHER with your husband, that was out the window when you left your marriage.

 

You know in your heart that there was a far better chance that you were never moving back in to the same home with him (and in his heart, he knows it too). What's not fair is to let him be strung along with hope his marriage will get back together when you are probably doing this because you are scared to move out and face the new world as a single person, so inside you freel that you would like him to hang on as a security blanket so that if you can't handle the new life you can go back as a plan B.

 

Tell him the real truth. Tell him you probably will not be living with him again and that you don't want to see him have false hope and hang on only to be crushed when you make it official. Tell him you don't blame him for what he did because you realize he too has to move forward as you are attempting to do and that out of fear of a new life you were kind of wanting him to hang on a while until you got your footing, and now you realize that wouldn't be right.

 

Tell you you two will come up with a real date that a decision has to be made to move back in and really work on the marriage together or you will agree to split and you will have to face the new world without him being behind you holding on as a safety net. You wil feel better about yourself and he will fel better about you.

 

You are not washed up, you have much life left, i'm sure you are a wonderful, kind person. I just want to give you a different perspective, I hope I have.

 

but VOWS can also mean - it IS o.k. for the man to have his *ego STROKED*

 

Come on Please...let us agree to disagree and see if we can open up the topic more....

[cms2012]

This is called 'stabbing the M'. He didn't have to disclose anything.

 

Contact a mediator and get things moving. He's done.

 

What does 'Stabbing the M' mean?

 

We did start moving things along...I do see where the future is headed...

 

Thanks for your response...

[carhill]

He could have had intercourse and loving interactions with another woman and said nothing, since there was apparently no explicit agreement regarding fornication/fraternization and, even if there was, he didn't have to disclose. He did that for a reason. Doing that puts a knife into the heart of the marriage. Once that is done, it can't be taken back. The emotional memories of it will always be there, for both spouses. Can they resolve it? Sure. But think about it.... it's the 'why'. Why would he disclose something so hurtful to most people?

[cms2012]

Easy folks, that horse isn't getting any deader!

 

Separation is an awful grey area for everyone involved and a terrible place to be. It is chock full of ambiguities that poor newly emotionally damaged people find them selves having to try and wade through as best they can. DH was left to define separation for himself and he selected the definition that served his purposes at the time. So did you CMS. Nobody set any ground rules, or a goal for the separation, who;s to know what it meant? Most likely at the time it was spoken, neither of you knew where you would end up, or even what direction it was going.

 

Share the blame, on a legal/moral level your right, seperated or not adultery is adultery defined to the letter. On an emotional level, your H was abandoned. His wife made a conscious and a deliberate decision to separate herself from him for intentions unknown to him. Even if he knows how you got there.

 

So the damage is done, it cannot be undone. What is next for you CMS?

 

TOJAZ

 

We were in counseling from the start, we actually generated a 'Controlled Separation Agreement' to set those ground rules before I moved out and agreed to many different things, so I feel that that gray area stems from our individual viewpoints...

 

I have owned my blame...even found forgiveness even cleaned the slate to start anew but this was something he never had the capacity to do.

 

Too much damage has happened, I know...

We've already have lawyers because he planned to counter my support order (which is a whole other issue) - but things have changed...

 

But I appreciate your response.

[carhill]

Why would he disclose something so hurtful to most people?

Adding, why would he even take such actions if repairing/revitalizing/rejuvenating the M was his priority? So, I'll back it up. The fornication was the first stab. The disclosure was the twisting of the knife.

 

The patient is now prostrate and bleeding to death.

[Guitarjeff]

CMS, it will be better for both if you have really made a decision. let me say to you that many of us were raised to never divorce and that upbringing can cause terrible guilt and misery if we find we have to do so. My parents were married 47 years before my father passed. So divorce can make you feel like you are destroying your own belief system.

 

You mst understand that you only have one precious life and if you are truly unhappy then you cannot sacrifice that one and only life staying in a marriage where you are unhappy.

 

Think about thiws, your husband wouldn't really want to force you to stay in a marriage because of shame or guilt, he's only feeling pain at the moment but after that's gone he would say himself that he really wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be married to him.

 

So just know that there is nothing wrong with you needing to start a new life and I myself am very aware of how quick and fleeting the years are and how quickly life can end, so I know that peace of mind is everything and the fact that last year was the worst year of my life has shown me that it is too precious not to find your inner happiness, you must do that and there is nothing wrong with you doing that, it doesn't have to be anyone's fault, it's just human nature.

 

So i do hope, as you say, that you have had a talk with him and that you have settled things and at least you both have clarity now. That's what both of you need right now.

 

Now you can actually begin to make plans, to set goals for your new life, and your husband can do that too.

 

I know you are hurting, but you will also now see that you won't be treading water anymore, and you are now going to be able to feel the security of concrete plans and goals for the immediate future. That is an awesome thing.

 

You just be yourself, be true to your inner life, be honest with your husband and child, and you will have no reason to feel bad about anything because you have been upfront and honest and you have given him that freedom as well.

 

Washed up? Of course you're not. You just washed your spirit clean is all, and that's a wonderful thing.

 

I am proud of you!!

[tojaz]

We were in counseling from the start, we actually generated a 'Controlled Separation Agreement' to set those ground rules before I moved out and agreed to many different things, so I feel that that gray area stems from our individual viewpoints...

 

I have owned my blame...even found forgiveness even cleaned the slate to start anew but this was something he never had the capacity to do.

 

Too much damage has happened, I know...

We've already have lawyers because he planned to counter my support order (which is a whole other issue) - but things have changed...

 

But I appreciate your response.

 

TO be fair, it wasn't individual viewpoints. It was on your part, but he did manipulate the situation to get what he wanted. My post is in no way taking that away from you. He had knowledge of what you were hoping for, of that I have little doubt. He wrote it out for himself to allow him to have his affair. In time he will see it for what it is, but now he doesn't.

 

I'm not saying too much damage has been done. Thats why I asked what comes next.

 

I guess what I'm asking is what are you looking for here on LS? Are you still hoping to piece things back together? Or just in need of support in the divorce process?

 

TOJAZ

[standtall]

I am only hopeful...and as SAD as your stated percentages are, that there are people like the dude who posted before you who isn't ruled by his dick but actually listens to his heart.

 

CMS, wow that it's a stretch to say that my opinion is ruled by my dick because I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. Yes, I do have one..that makes me male, and that is a big reason why my perspective is different that yours. I based my response by what was in your original post. Anyway, you asked..here it is

and if ANYONE can share any insight or experiences or opinions, I am truly a non-judging open-minded soul...but I just would like to hear something....

 

if you don't like the opinions you may hear, then don't ask for them, or at least put disclaimers like " people who are ruled by their dick need not respond". On a progressive note, since it was a one sided separation..he did not want you to go...then I still think you abandoned the marriage. He mourned the loss of it last year when you moved out, and you are now realizing what a mistake you made and are mourning it now. I'm sorry to say, but IMHO, your marriage is DOA.

[Steadfast]

Sadly, the overwhelming percentage of marriages where separation is involved ends in divorce. Unless abuse is present, I'd never recommend it because it flies in the face of what marriage is about: togetherness.

 

It sounds like you were expecting something else OP. But again, sadly, most spouses who hear their partner would be happier living apart often react in some self-serving capacity. Hate to add percentages when you don't agree, but women in love with their men generally don't want to be apart from them. No matter how well the plan is laid, no matter what the circumstances are. Frankly, your husband would be a fool to think he was the exception.

 

In addition to him stepping out, I suspect your anger is based around not having enough input on how the marriage should work, and that's valid. However, I think you've learned moving out isn't the way to emphasize your position. You say it was mutual, but what choice did he have?

 

Anyway, good luck. He seems to have moved on. Maybe it's for the best.