reboot Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I'll never understand coming to an internet forum, asking for advice, and then getting mad at that advice. You take from it what you can and leave the rest behind. Most people here merely offer their perspective based on their own experiences. Just because you agree with them or not doesn't make them either right or wrong. That said, IMO, if you had any hopes of salvaging your marriage, separating was probably about the worst thing you could have done. If your husband had any hopes of salvaging the marriage, having sex with another woman was probably about the worst thing he could have done. You both stabbed the person you were supposed to love most in this world in the back. Does it really matter about "Morals"? You were wrong, he was wrong, who cares who was wrong first? Who cares who was wrong most? There's no prize to be had. So what do you want now? Are you looking for advice on divorce? Are you looking for advice on saving your marriage? Are you just looking for a pat on the back and someone to agree with you that your husband is an immoral alley cat? We can give you any or all of the above. You have to let us know which though. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I tried a controlled separation with my husband because he has addictive and adulterous issues. It was a ****ing disaster. It they can't keep their word inside the marriage, they sure as he'll can't keep any sense about them when they are only halfway in. The vast majority of controlled separations fail. They start with the idea that we each need to be "whole" first and make up the parts we are "missing" from childhood. Well, truly, we are also social beings and the vast majority of people are not "perfectly whole and conflict-free." we need to realize that everything about us is completely disconnected from others and that we aren't going to find every missing piece in this life. There is going to be conflict and some of it is going to be perpetual. It is really about if we are going to let the perpetual conflicts rule our marriage or are we going to be grateful for the relationship first and then to try work on what we CAN. I have been attending emotionally-focused therapy with my husband. It gas an 80% success rate and j can see why. It isn't about talking about why your insecurities are "wrong." it's about realizing that your partners insecurities are not an attack on you and that you can actually draw closer because of them instead of escalating conflict due to them. Thank God, finally! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cms2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Re-reading stuff and knowing where my mind was at when I posted didn't serve me well, I realize that and am sorry for lashing out. Your comments were heard. But to be honest, I really don't know what I want. I don't care about anything but my son at this given moment and I know that's not going to do me well all in itself going forward. I'm just lost.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Re-reading stuff and knowing where my mind was at when I posted didn't serve me well, I realize that and am sorry for lashing out. Your comments were heard. But to be honest, I really don't know what I want. I don't care about anything but my son at this given moment and I know that's not going to do me well all in itself going forward. I'm just lost.... To be unsure is just as valid an answer as any. You have a lot swirling all around you right now. Your first priority is in the right place, your sons well being. Whats in his best interest? A healthy and happy mother, what ever form that might take. I think the first question that you have to ask yourself is, now that it has happened and cannot be undone. Can you, and are you willing to forgive the affair if the opportunity were to arise? Most of the other questions coming your way will hinge off of that. "Maybe" "I can try" and "Yes if...." are all valid answers. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarjeff Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 One thing everyone here can support you with is hope. You will find happiness again in your life3. It's ok to feel hurt and confuse, you are a human being. That's why I put so much emphasis on simply being honest with yourself and everyone around you that will feel consequences of your decisions. It's fine to have the feelings you are having. You just be yourself, and when you figure out what you want and why you want it, as long as you are honest with everyone else involved, including your child and both your families, then that's all anyone can really expect from you. You do that and you will be able to move in whatever direction you choose with your head held high, knowing you took the honorable path at every turn and gave everyone involved the truth about your feelings the best you could. Everyone instinctively knows when someone is being straight and truthful with them. Cheer up CMS, everything will work out for the best as long as you take that high road in every interpersonal relationship involved in this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cms2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 GuitarJeff...you really put me through the ringer on this thread, but I can't deny your last post was more uplifting. 'thanks'.. Thanks to all... So many things have transpired.... So many new questions to post... Link to post Share on other sites
NeverSettle Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 One thing everyone here can support you with is hope. You will find happiness again in your life3. It's ok to feel hurt and confuse, you are a human being. That's why I put so much emphasis on simply being honest with yourself and everyone around you that will feel consequences of your decisions. It's fine to have the feelings you are having. You just be yourself, and when you figure out what you want and why you want it, as long as you are honest with everyone else involved, including your child and both your families, then that's all anyone can really expect from you. You do that and you will be able to move in whatever direction you choose with your head held high, knowing you took the honorable path at every turn and gave everyone involved the truth about your feelings the best you could. Everyone instinctively knows when someone is being straight and truthful with them. Cheer up CMS, everything will work out for the best as long as you take that high road in every interpersonal relationship involved in this. Well, doesn't this excellent comment bring the question from the opening title back into focus? DO MORALS MATTER ANYMORE? I would suggest that morals only matter to moral people to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
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