Day 7 NC: What's wrong with me?!?

[sleepie]

It's Day 7 NC.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me! I wanted this A to end. I have beautiful, healthy kids. A kind, generous, thoughtful H. A great life.

 

Why do I feel so depressed, miserable, heartbroken, and hurt?!?

 

Why can't I just move on, live with my guilt, and focus on the good things in my life? Why am I mourning an A that I wanted to end?

[woinlove]

Many people find affairs to be addictive and then afterwards it is like trying to break an addiction. Some people need professional help with that (counselling and/or medication) while others manage by willfully trying to refocus combined with allowing grieving time.

 

For people keeping the secret it has its own challenges as you are giving up the intimacy of the A but not fully confiding in your spouse, so there is an intimacy vacuum that you have to try to fill on your own. Maybe a journal helps a bit with that, although a counsellor you can fully confide in would be better.

[mercy]

It's Day 7 NC.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me! I wanted this A to end. I have beautiful, healthy kids. A kind, generous, thoughtful H. A great life.

 

Why do I feel so depressed, miserable, heartbroken, and hurt?!?

 

Why can't I just move on, live with my guilt, and focus on the good things in my life? Why am I mourning an A that I wanted to end?

 

If doing the right thing was easy more would do it.

 

Just keep focused on your lovely family and it will get easier. For every thought you have of him think of what it almost cost you.

 

Your family is precious, a gift. Remember that.

[Artie Lang]

i feel sorry for your husband.....SERIOUSLY.

[Stoneman70]

It's hard because you didn't really want it to end...you just knew it needed to for the sake of your marriage and family.

 

The love may never end. You just have to remind yourself sometimes we can't always be with the ones we love...we can be happy again in our marriage. If not, then maybe try counseling to help...

 

It's hard, I know...good luck

[hermione08]

The point is: we can be with the ones we love.

This is not the 19th century, we have divorce, we can rebuild our lives, please do not talk as if you were the main characters out of Romeo and Juliet.

People who decide to stay with H or W they don't love any more make a choice out fear or habit.

Let's stop all this nonsense about cannot, it all a question of don't even wanna try.

[woinlove]

All romantic love is addictive. It sets free a hormone in your brain which is addictive. Removing the source of love stops that process.

 

That may be true but I found affairs to be even more addictive and stories on LS suggest the same, with much more yo-yoing back and forth on average. I think secrecy, deception, unavailability and competition bring in other emotions in most people that get tossed into the mix and also, in out in the open R, one can talk to family and friends about it openly and sometimes what they say sinks in. When you have a number of close people in your life giving first-hand observations it has an effect. Often people in A just have their own heads, which are a jumble due to the chemicals you mention, and anonymous forums where the people don't know much about you and can't lend an independent observation on the situation, only observations based on what the chemically-challenged person posts.

 

Again, sleepie, I think if you have someone to fully confide in, it can help.

[standtall]

i feel sorry for your husband.....SERIOUSLY.

 

That was a pointless attack.

 

Sleepie..stick with it. The feelings will pass. View your withdrawal as lick a narcotic addiction withdrawal..lock yourself away from him and distract yourself with other things...like working on your marriage.... if you choose that path, or keep so busy that there is no time in your day to think of him..good luck.

[beenburned]

Sleepie,

 

I think it is great that you do realize what blessings are in your life!

 

I think you are struggling because you have not figured out the "WHY" of your behavior.

 

Sometimes we have voids within us caused by our families of origin.

You have to look deep within yourself to see if you are repeating actions that were learned a long time ago.

 

We sometimes need to learn new healthy ways of coping with life's problems/stress. Or you will go on to constantly repeat bad behaviors in the future.

[Artie Lang]

That was a pointless attack.

 

SERIOUSLY? how so?

 

her husband is "thinking" he has a remorseful and dedicated wife, all the while her thoughts are of OM.

 

you're telling me you don't feel sorry for this poor fellow, given what he's been/going through?

 

 

This is not the 19th century, we have divorce, we can rebuild our lives, please do not talk as if you were the main characters out of Romeo and Juliet.

 

exactly. stop romanticizing it.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Artie Lang

[whichwayisup]

It's Day 7 NC.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me! I wanted this A to end. I have beautiful, healthy kids. A kind, generous, thoughtful H. A great life.

 

Why do I feel so depressed, miserable, heartbroken, and hurt?!?

Why can't I just move on, live with my guilt, and focus on the good things in my life? Why am I mourning an A that I wanted to end?

 

it still is a loss even though you ended it. This pain is final and will end! It isn't the same type of pain that you felt during the A, that rollercoaster ride.

 

It's good you ended it, so please, lighten up on yourself! Grieve the loss, be angry, feel whatever you need to feel, there is no right or wrong when it comes to what you feel and why.

[standtall]

SERIOUSLY? how so?

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the OM/OW support forum..you made smart alec remark without offering anything to help the OP.

[MissBee]

Attachment is hard to break. When someone/something becomes a habit, it's hard to just stop and move on, even when you want to.

 

I'm not discounting love..but the reality is, even when you don't genuinely love someone, and you love how they made you feel and they were a part of your life, them going away and you no longer getting what you used to from them does create grief. It's a normal process, but as you focus on yourself, your family and your life, you'll slowly detach from those associations of good feelings with them.

 

Btw...does your H know about the A?

[Artie Lang]

that is the help.

 

she should feel sorry for her husband. not at the loss of her AP.

 

 

she keeps romanticizing the thing like it's a "love that cannot be," when it NEVER was love to begin with.

 

 

i don't coddle ANYONE, be it a WS or a BS.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Artie Lang

[woinlove]

This is the OM/OW support forum..you made smart alec remark without offering anything to help the OP.

 

Beyond shifting her focus off the AP, it's difficult to know what will help someone pining for an AP but who feels she loves her H and has a good M. Being able to really put herself in her H's shoes would help, but that is not easy to do for someone in her situation. I think if she could talk to someone who knew H well and knew the situation, this would be a great help in seeing things from a different perspective, but that may not be possible when one wants to keep the secret. Perhaps knowing that some people, when hearing about the situation, would immediately think the situation was so terrible for her H, perhaps that will percolate around and lead the OP to a constructive perspective. For some, it might help more than simply being advised to try to focus on her H and her M.

[Artie Lang]

Beyond shifting her focus off the AP, it's difficult to know what will help someone pining for an AP but who feels she loves her H and has a good M. Being able to really put herself in her H's shoes would help, but that is not easy to do for someone in her situation. I think if she could talk to someone who knew H well and knew the situation, this would be a great help in seeing things from a different perspective, but that may not be possible when one wants to keep the secret. Perhaps knowing that some people, when hearing about the situation, would immediately think the situation was so terrible for her H, perhaps that will percolate around and lead the OP to a constructive perspective. For some, it might help more than simply being advised to try to focus on her H and her M.

 

^this

 

you have no idea what your husband is feeling because he doesn't know.

 

your only pain is the loss of the affair.

 

 

may not be possible when one wants to keep the secret.

 

this doesn't help.

 

the affair is still going on in her head...... "what could've been," and all that crap. she's always gonna hold on to it because of the it being a secret. as long as it's still a secret, it's still close to her heart. GET IT!

 

 

if you really love your husband like you say you do, then tell him the truth. let him decide his fate. right now, it just looks like you're trying to keep what you have(your marriage), and still linger in affair fog.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Tenacity]

that is the help.

 

she should feel sorry for her husband. not at the loss of her AP.

 

Wow, now THAT'S helpful! (Not!!)

 

Don't you think that she GETS that she should feel that way? SERIOUSLY? (to use your several-times repeated word)? Do you not think she is realizing that this is wrong and is doing her best to get past these feelings and feel the way you are suggesting?

 

Grief is real. The feelings are real. She is here (on the OW/OM SUPPORT forum!) to get some support for her REAL feelings of grief, not to have someone tell her to get over it! If it were that easy to get over grief just by telling yourself to get over it, then why would boards like these be here filled with posts from people who hurt?

 

Judging people based on WHY they are feeling grief is pointless, not to mention cruel. She is not here to be told what she "should" be feeling; she wants help to get through the pain. Pain is real, even if you don't agree with the source of it!

 

she keeps romanticizing the thing like it's a "love that cannot be," when it NEVER was love to begin with.

 

Really? (I mean - SERIOUSLY?) You "know" absolutely for sure it wasn't "love"? How, exactly, do you know that? Are you saying that love can only happen within marriages? That people can't love other people unless they are married? Where is that written down? Lots of people might disagree with that one!

 

How on earth can you possibly know that there wasn't "love" here when you know absolutely nothing about the OP's life except for a few internet posts? How can you so carelessly discount people's grief and their feelings of pain and of love as if it isn't real or doesn't matter? What right do you have?

 

i don't coddle ANYONE, be it a WS or a BS.

 

There are plenty of people who offer "tough love" here, but they do it constructively and with empathy, not by discounting others' feelings as if they don't exist.

 

I don't understand why some people come here only to make judgmental comments that do nothing but cause further hurt to a person already in pain and TRYING to do the right thing. SERIOUSLY!

[Tenacity]

sleepie - what you are going through with the NC difficulty is something that many of us have gone through. I know too that much of your pain and grief is because of your M and your family and how you "should" be feeling.

 

I know you have received a lot of advice on how you should be handling things with your H. I am sure that you have read it all and considered it. Whatever you decide, it is YOUR decision, as you know your situation better than any of the rest of us can even begin to (obviously) and I do not believe that most on here will judge you.

 

The thing is - you feel what you feel. Grief and pain are real. Don't let anyone else invalidate it, but work through it and do your best to make what you think are the right decisions. From your posts, it sounds like you are doing this - that you have given this a great deal of thought and you are doing a difficult thing.

 

I know too that it is hard to post here sometimes when you feel like you are being kicked when you are at the lowest of low. Try to ignore those whose posts aren't helpful to you right now. I hope you will keep posting here - there are many who understand, will support you and will not judge you (even though they may offer some tough love), and will reassure you that you WILL get through this.

 

(((hugs to you)))

[sleepie]

I appreciate all the replies. Thank you!

 

Just to be clear, I actually don't think I romanticize the A or the MM. That's one reason I knew I wanted out. It wasn't meant to be, and deep down I knew it. That's why I don't understand why I'm struggling with NC. The logical part of me knows this is what I want.

 

I doubt I will ever return to the A, although I appreciate the vote of confidence from the cynics here who seem to think everyone is destined to repeat past mistakes. Just because I struggle now does not mean I will always struggle with this. We are the sum of our experiences, and I believe we can all learn and grow.

 

Again, thanks to those of you who have btdt and are a kind ear to listen and a virtual shoulder to lean on. I'm sure having someone in real life to confide in would help, but for now, you all are helping me move on a lot.

[woinlove]

I appreciate all the replies. Thank you!

 

Just to be clear, I actually don't think I romanticize the A or the MM. That's one reason I knew I wanted out. It wasn't meant to be, and deep down I knew it. That's why I don't understand why I'm struggling with NC. The logical part of me knows this is what I want.

 

I doubt I will ever return to the A, although I appreciate the vote of confidence from the cynics here who seem to think everyone is destined to repeat past mistakes. Just because I struggle now does not mean I will always struggle with this. We are the sum of our experiences, and I believe we can all learn and grow.

 

Again, thanks to those of you who have btdt and are a kind ear to listen and a virtual shoulder to lean on. I'm sure having someone in real life to confide in would help, but for now, you all are helping me move on a lot.

 

Re the bolded, having a secret affair while happily married is a big deal. I've never had one myself and don't expect to ever have one. Why someone chooses that route may be rooted in childhood issues, their values, lack of relationship skills, conflict avoidance, narcissism, low self-worth, ... Until you figure out why you went that route and do the work to change so that you don't make the same choices in the future, it is perfectly understandable that removing the "fix" alone is going to leave you feeling as you do. It was a big deal to cross the line and get whatever it is you were looking for, but something drove you to it, and those same needs or desires didn't disappear just because you decided to stop the A. I suspect you will feel an emptiness in your life, making you crave OM no matter what your head tells you, until you learn why and change it.

[sleepie]

I say "doubt" because I acknowledge that I have a long way to go. I hope to grow and learn from this experience, and I have no intentions of returning to the A. Ever. But I agree that I need to evaluate WHY this happened, what the issue is with me, and work on fixing that part of my life. That's something that takes time, introspection, and maybe counseling.

 

I don't believe there are any quick fixes here, a much as I would like to find one.

 

I quite understand why people who have never been in this situation, especially if they were a BS, feel the need to attack a OW or MW. It's not particularly useful advice, but it's a good reminder of how a BS feels, and all the more reason to dedicate myself to keeping NC and focusing on my M.

[sleepie]

Re the bolded, having a secret affair while happily married is a big deal. I've never had one myself and don't expect to ever have one. Why someone chooses that route may be rooted in childhood issues, their values, lack of relationship skills, conflict avoidance, narcissism, low self-worth, ... Until you figure out why you went that route and do the work to change so that you don't make the same choices in the future, it is perfectly understandable that removing the "fix" alone is going to leave you feeling as you do. It was a big deal to cross the line and get whatever it is you were looking for, but something drove you to it, and those same needs or desires didn't disappear just because you decided to stop the A. I suspect you will feel an emptiness in your life, making you crave OM no matter what your head tells you, until you learn why and change it.

 

I may indeed feel an emptiness until I figure this out. But I hope I don't continue to crave the OM to fill it. That way lies only additional emptiness.

[sleepie]

sleepie - what you are going through with the NC difficulty is something that many of us have gone through. I know too that much of your pain and grief is because of your M and your family and how you "should" be feeling.

 

I know you have received a lot of advice on how you should be handling things with your H. I am sure that you have read it all and considered it. Whatever you decide, it is YOUR decision, as you know your situation better than any of the rest of us can even begin to (obviously) and I do not believe that most on here will judge you.

 

The thing is - you feel what you feel. Grief and pain are real. Don't let anyone else invalidate it, but work through it and do your best to make what you think are the right decisions. From your posts, it sounds like you are doing this - that you have given this a great deal of thought and you are doing a difficult thing.

 

I know too that it is hard to post here sometimes when you feel like you are being kicked when you are at the lowest of low. Try to ignore those whose posts aren't helpful to you right now. I hope you will keep posting here - there are many who understand, will support you and will not judge you (even though they may offer some tough love), and will reassure you that you WILL get through this.

 

(((hugs to you)))

 

Thank you! The support is helpful. It reminds me I'm not the only one who has been through this.

[standtall]

that is the help.

 

.

 

Bull, this part

 

i feel sorry for your husband.....SERIOUSLY.

 

is bashing and you know it.

 

You said I feel sorry for your husband, not She should feel sorry for her husband. Quite the difference, and you only added to it when I called you out.

 

Sleepie..the ignore feature works wonders.

[sleepie]

I feel better today, so that's a good thing!

 

I did some long, hard thinking yesterday about why I had the A. What started it. What was vulnerable about me and my M at that time. I came up with a few answers, so that's a start...