Where do I go from here

[Faldve]

Sorry in advance but this is going to be long. I'm 20 my husband of 2 year is only a few years older than me. We have a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. We started dating when I was 13 and I was going through a lot. I cheated on him numerous times up until I got pregnant at 16. I stopped everything bad I was doing. He never cheated on me and I regret and feel so bad for cheating but I can't take it back no matter how much I want to. Anyways after I had my first child things started going downhill. Before I got pregnant we had a great sex life (having sex multiple times a week). But I also went from 115 pounds to 180 and still haven't lost the weight. Anyways before I got pregnant my husband would actually spend time with me and we would talk about important things. Anyways since then up to now everything has gotten progressively worse.

Currently we are living as if we are roommates. I stay at home with the kids and he goes to work for 4 hours and school 3 hours a day. He works a desk job. Everyday is the same. He goes to work, school, then comes home says a few words and sits on the couch the rest of the day until he goes to bed. I try to get him to spend time with me but he says he's too tired. We have sex maybe 2-3 times a months and when we do it's terrible because I feel so awkward since he never shows me affection. The most he does is say I love you when he leaves. We don't talk about things and when I talk about how I feel he tells me I'm stressing him out. I struggle to keep the house clean and quite frankly 90% of the time it's a wreck but he won't help. He says he's depressed because I complain all of the time but I get so fed up doing everything at the house all by myself. He doesn't help much with the kids the most he will do is fix a few cups and change a couple of diapers (of our first child) he won't change our seconds unless I'm not here. When I ask him to help me he complains or sighs and rolls his eyes. I understand depression. I've dealt with it for as long as I can remember but there are still things I have to do as a parent. I feel like I'm drowning.

His mother makes a lot of money and chose to buy us a house (it was a cheap house like 40k). She pays our bills except for our internet and tv to help us out. And I am so grateful for her. Our house needed a lot of work down when we got it and there hasn't been anything done in about a year because my husband won't help or simply ask her for the money to get what we need. She told us she would pay for whatever we needed. Instead he gets a computer, 1,000$ in dirtbike parts, clothes (I've been wearing the same ones since I had my first), games, movies etc etc. He won't ask her for money to finish the flooring or buy the light socket covers or anything like that. Our cabinets still don't have doors months later. We still don't have the furniture his mom had in storage. The grass hasn't been cut in months (it's so bad I can't take the kids outside). We have a lot of the materials we need to fix up the house but he never helps me. So either I do it or no one does.

Then there's the fact he keeps watching porn. I don't think it's okay that he has the energy to watch porn but not enough to put any effort into making me happy or even hug/kiss me he won't even look at me when im naked. I cant rememer the last time he complimented me. I found porn on his phone and his playstation. I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked to him numerous times about how I feel and nothing ever changes. Is it just a hopeless cause? I don't know what to do anymore but I can't feel this hurt and lonely anymore without going insane.

[Faldve]

I forgot to add. We haven't slept in the same bed in years

[BetrayedH]

Not that it's abnormal but you have let too much unresolved resentment to build in your marriage. People try to stuff down their feelings and to accept their partner but your fear of confrontation has created a huge mess for you. This unresolved resentment continues to build and eventually come out. Sadly, as much as you have tried to stuff it all down, it comes out and typically in a far less controlled fashion than you would like. Almost every story I have read about someone having an affair begins with how resentment quietly built in the relationship. And instead of confronting the problem, the pattern for a long time has been avoidance of the confrontation and then it continues to the point where the resentful spouse would rather have an affair than fix the problem or leave. I know you haven't mentioned an affair here but I am just trying to demonstrate how insidious unresolved resentment can be.

 

I don't have all the answers about how to resolve your problems. But I do know that resentment doesn't just go away. It has to be confronted. My gut says that marriagr counseling is usually the best option because it is a safer/more controlled environment for both people to share. On top of that, it is perfectly reasonable to require your H to attend. You have to find the strength to say that you are so unhappy that if things are not seriously addressed and resolved, you feel you may need to divorce. Say it clearly. Say it calmly. And be respectful. But be direct and resolved that he either makes a commitment to restore the marriage through a safe person like an MC or you will not stay.

 

This will either be a big wake up call to him. Or you will have your answer that he is not going to change. If he will not change, then you decide to either accept him as he is (and stop complaining) or get out.

 

My $.02 anyway. My hope is that you confront this resentment that he has created (and you have permitted) and turn your marriage into the team effort that it requires. My best to you.

[BetrayedH]

Oh, and the sleeping in separate beds thing has to stop. Period. End of story. No excuses. I don't care if he snores like a freight train. If you don't, your marriage is toast. Make it happen. When it does, sleep in the nude.