He just never came back

[JoJola]

My boyfriend dropped me off from a weekend vacation; kissed me and hugged me goodbye..and now he is mia........wont return my calls, texts, nothing for over two weeks! Confused and wondering what the heck? Has anyone ever dealt with this type of behavior

[zanzi]

well, my ex told me he was leaving. Now that we are broken up he refuses to speak to me. I'm not trying to trash him by saying this but I think the way he has chosen to do this has been immature and caused more pain to us both then necissary, maybe I assume he has been in pain and maybe he's over it now, but I believe there could have been a better way. That said, I am trying to move on. Thinking on it, maybe there were hints that you were going to break up that you didn't notice, which happens to peope often. Did you get your stuff back from this ex yet??

[iris219]

I'm sorry this happened to you. This happened to me too and it’s very hard to get over because you’re left wondering what happened. We went on vacation, and it was great. He raved about what a great time he had and how well we got along. A couple days later we watch a movie, he hugs me goodbye, and that’s the last I spoke to him.

 

Here’s what could have happened:

1. He’s a coward and selfish. He wanted to end, but didn’t have the strength so he pretended everything was OK and disappeared. He doesn’t care how his actions made you feel. He’s glad he didn’t have to deal with any of the emotional stuff that accompanies a break-up.

2. He’s afraid of how well things were going and got cold feet. He didn’t think he’d be able to commit or was afraid to, so he ran.

3. He met someone else.

 

Someone who cares about you doesn’t do something like this. Someone who disappears will not make a good husband or father. You don't want to be with someone you can't depend on. Be glad he’s gone.

[StrangeBehaviors]

My boyfriend dropped me off from a weekend vacation; kissed me and hugged me goodbye..and now he is mia........wont return my calls, texts, nothing for over two weeks! Confused and wondering what the heck? Has anyone ever dealt with this type of behavior

 

Well, if he is alive, not kidnapped, or in some kind of accident, then it is just crazy behavior.

 

I don't consider that "player" or being a little less available to make the heart grow fonder.

 

Just nuts.

[CopingGal]

I guess I would make sure that nothing happened to him. Can you call people that no him and see if they have seen him? Maybe even call his job to see if he's there...just in case nothing bad happened to him.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[JoJola]

Nothing has happened to him! I am sure...but he still has my stuff too

[dreamingoftigers]

My last ex pulled a stunt like this.

 

While we were engaged and wedding stuff happening.

 

He moved to another city! Just like that!

 

I am so sorry because it is a hard one to get over.

[salmagundi]

I don't know what is in your exes head but take my response for what it is and I hope it helps.

 

I've done this before. Not anymore but when I was younger. I used to be a hardcore commitment phobe. I still am a little bit but I'm way way better and a lot more mature, which helps.

 

When I first met women I would fall in love and be all in. I would pursue her, be excited to see her, run fantasies in my head about being with her and being in love with her and how she was the one etc.

 

There always, unfortunately, came a tipping point. It was around the time when I realized I was winning and she was as into me as I was into her. Usually this happened around the first time she would look me in the eyes with that burning look that told me she was in love.

 

My balls would turn to ice cubes and I would panic. And disappear not long afterward. And I would feel terrible, I would be unable to face the irrationality of it all and the hurt that I was causing so I would just run away and not look back.

 

See, when normal people break up they talk about, have the breakup talk and then walk away. But with commitphobes, its all about all out panic and the insane need to get away and leave everything behind. And to repeat the cycle.

 

Whatever, enough self-psychoanalysis. What I'm saying is you should consider the possibility that he is, in some measure, a commitmentphobe. Because disappearing like that is what commitphobes do.

 

Hope this helps.

[iris219]

I don't know what is in your exes head but take my response for what it is and I hope it helps.

 

I've done this before. Not anymore but when I was younger. I used to be a hardcore commitment phobe. I still am a little bit but I'm way way better and a lot more mature, which helps.

 

When I first met women I would fall in love and be all in. I would pursue her, be excited to see her, run fantasies in my head about being with her and being in love with her and how she was the one etc.

 

There always, unfortunately, came a tipping point. It was around the time when I realized I was winning and she was as into me as I was into her. Usually this happened around the first time she would look me in the eyes with that burning look that told me she was in love.

 

My balls would turn to ice cubes and I would panic. And disappear not long afterward. And I would feel terrible, I would be unable to face the irrationality of it all and the hurt that I was causing so I would just run away and not look back.

 

See, when normal people break up they talk about, have the breakup talk and then walk away. But with commitphobes, its all about all out panic and the insane need to get away and leave everything behind. And to repeat the cycle.

 

Whatever, enough self-psychoanalysis. What I'm saying is you should consider the possibility that he is, in some measure, a commitmentphobe. Because disappearing like that is what commitphobes do.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Thank you for this post. It was very honest and self-aware.

 

My ex wouldn't admit that he's a commitment phobe because I'm not sure he's admitted it to himself. My ex was happier when things were difficult in our relationship. When things were good, he would find a way to sabotage it, every time. A stable relationship that might actually endure makes him very nervous.

 

Would you feel bad for causing pain by disappearing, or was it more relief that you didn't have to deal with any emotional stuff? How did you start to overcome your commitment phobia? Have you had LTR or just short term ones?

[salmagundi]

Commitment phobes, in my opinion, are not generally consciously aware that they are the problem. When they come to recognize that their relations follow set patterns then maybe they can start to change. But until then they do like me, they project everything onto their partners. They find faults and use these faults as excuses to justifying leaving and chasing other women.

 

To answer your questions, when I left I felt overwhelming relief as well as anticipation of my freedom to chase other women (with equal futility). I rarely looked back. Well, thats not true. Years later I realize that I ran away from at least one amazing woman who, if I had had a healthier mindset, might have been an amazing girlfriend and more. But I almost never gave any thought to trying to get back together with anyone I ran away from and honestly, any woman with healthy boundaries and self-esteem would never have taken me back anyway.

 

I started slowly working my way out of commitment phobia by taking on responsibility for what I was doing myself, recognizing it for what it was and understanding how I was acting and how it was making me as miserable as anyone of the women I ran away from.

 

More importantly, I went through a brutal, grueling breakup with a woman years ago who was a worse commitment phobe then me. I realized in the aftermath that the flip side of my running away when I was doing the dumping, was that when I was being dumped it was often by unavailable women that I could safely fall in love with because they were so unavailable that I could never really be with them and could therefore invest myself to the hilt with no fear. But the inevitable breakups for me were as devastating emotionally as my instigated breakups were relatively painless.

 

Yes I have been in longterm relationships, my last (and best...it just ended...it seems) was 3 years. It was a very healthy and close relationship brought down by other life stresses (work burnout for the most part) that pushed us apart. I still want to be with her if she can find her way back to me.

 

But I hope you're not asking that because you think he can change. He can, but for me...I'm 39. It took me years. I first started confronting myself in my mid twenties so it was no grand epiphany et voilà! i'm a new man... I'd let him go. If that is his problem (who knows but it definitely sounds like it...sabotaging relationships was my specialty...) then he is very burdened with psychological baggage that he may NEVER work out. Commitment phobia apparently tends to be a lifelong pattern that most people never break out of.

 

If you want to talk some more or have more questions don't hesitate:)

[iris219]

Commitment phobes, in my opinion, are not generally consciously aware that they are the problem. When they come to recognize that their relations follow set patterns then maybe they can start to change. But until then they do like me, they project everything onto their partners. They find faults and use these faults as excuses to justifying leaving and chasing other women.

 

To answer your questions, when I left I felt overwhelming relief as well as anticipation of my freedom to chase other women (with equal futility). I rarely looked back. Well, thats not true. Years later I realize that I ran away from at least one amazing woman who, if I had had a healthier mindset, might have been an amazing girlfriend and more. But I almost never gave any thought to trying to get back together with anyone I ran away from and honestly, any woman with healthy boundaries and self-esteem would never have taken me back anyway.

 

I started slowly working my way out of commitment phobia by taking on responsibility for what I was doing myself, recognizing it for what it was and understanding how I was acting and how it was making me as miserable as anyone of the women I ran away from.

 

More importantly, I went through a brutal, grueling breakup with a woman years ago who was a worse commitment phobe then me. I realized in the aftermath that the flip side of my running away when I was doing the dumping, was that when I was being dumped it was often by unavailable women that I could safely fall in love with because they were so unavailable that I could never really be with them and could therefore invest myself to the hilt with no fear. But the inevitable breakups for me were as devastating emotionally as my instigated breakups were relatively painless.

 

Yes I have been in longterm relationships, my last (and best...it just ended...it seems) was 3 years. It was a very healthy and close relationship brought down by other life stresses (work burnout for the most part) that pushed us apart. I still want to be with her if she can find her way back to me.

 

But I hope you're not asking that because you think he can change. He can, but for me...I'm 39. It took me years. I first started confronting myself in my mid twenties so it was no grand epiphany et voilà! i'm a new man... I'd let him go. If that is his problem (who knows but it definitely sounds like it...sabotaging relationships was my specialty...) then he is very burdened with psychological baggage that he may NEVER work out. Commitment phobia apparently tends to be a lifelong pattern that most people never break out of.

 

If you want to talk some more or have more questions don't hesitate:)

 

This is great insight. Thanks.

 

My ex is almost 38 and hasn’t recognized his patterns yet. I'm glad you've been able to recognize your patterns and have rewarding relationships. I’m not hoping my ex will change (I don't see it as a possibility), but I’d like for him to recognize the pain he’s caused.

 

Projection is his specialty. Everything he does, according to him, is a reaction to something I’ve done; it was always my fault. He has never taken responsibility for any of his actions. If he hurt me I was either being too sensitive or I deserved it.

 

He tends to be inconsistent, contradictory, and unsure of what he wants. He’ll say he bought his house with the intention of living with someone and starting a family one day, but he’s never lived with anyone and when we would talk about it he would go back and forth: yes, I want you to live here; no, I don’t think that’s a good idea; ok, maybe, how about if we have separate rooms. We discussed this very thing right before he disappeared, and the conversation went well, but I think the idea of me moving in was too much for him to handle. We live in a small town, so I’ve seen him around, but he pretends like he doesn’t know me (after knowing me for 7 years!!).

 

I need to deal with why I allowed him to do this push and pull thing with me for years. I wouldn’t have gotten as hurt if I walked away in the beginning, but for some reason I didn’t and I know I need to reflect on that because you’re right: anyone with strong boundaries wouldn’t have put up with what I did, repeatedly.

 

At their core, are commitment phobes afraid of getting hurt? Are they afraid of what others will discover about them if let down their guard? Did you love the women you were with or did the commitment issues make it impossible for you to genuinely love others?

[JoJola]

Iris219...........r you sure we are/were not dating the same guy!

I wonder to do commitment phobes love the women the women they are with? I mean how can you just dissappear and ignore a person who is desperately trying to talk to you? Wondering why, what, how, why cant i get my belongings back? Why wont you talk to me.

 

While we were on vacation he was really snippy at times. like you said your ex did, he has demonstrated projection before as well. Its always me, he flys off the handle very easily. Is this common for commitment phobes?

 

This man has my pearl ring that was my mom"s; she passed two years ago. Also my 300$ digital camera that I bought for our vacation! Seriously, give my stuff back. How do you get it back.....wait till he wants to talk again? This man is 46 years old.......come on now?????

 

I am so sorry for anyone who has gone through this...now what am i suppose to do...........just forget he has my personal belongings?

[Eddie Edirol]

I wonder to do commitment phobes love the women the women they are with? I mean how can you just dissappear and ignore a person who is desperately trying to talk to you?

 

While we were on vacation he was really snippy at times. like you said your ex did, he has demonstrated projection before as well. Its always me, he flys off the handle very easily. Is this common for commitment phobes?

 

now what am i suppose to do...........just forget he has my personal belongings?

 

Its common for people that are tired of hanging with you. When they lose their attraction, people naturally see everything you do as annoying. Thats how he could just walk away, if he completely lost interest in you. I dont know if people could just run away from people that they are completely into, that would be torture.

 

As far as your belongings, forget about them. if he is determined to stay away from you and cut you from contact, he isnt going to let you get your belongings back, because he knows you will want answers, and the awkwardness of a confrontation is what he is avoiding.

[JoJola]

At this point I dont need answers its been 3 weeks! we have been together for 3 years; he broke up once with me for another woman and came crying back. after 4 months of his crying i caved in. He knows i am relentless when it comes to what is important to me...which now is my belongings. i guess in my opinion if you want someone to go away...dont keep their stuff! If i break up with someone i make sure they get their belongings even if i have to drop it off when they are not home..that way they dont bug me or have any reason to interfere with my life. he knows i love him but i will move on; i made that clear in a message i left him after not hearing from him for two weeks...

[UpDownAllAround]

Its common for people that are tired of hanging with you. When they lose their attraction, people naturally see everything you do as annoying. Thats how he could just walk away, if he completely lost interest in you. I dont know if people could just run away from people that they are completely into, that would be torture.

 

As far as your belongings, forget about them. if he is determined to stay away from you and cut you from contact, he isnt going to let you get your belongings back, because he knows you will want answers, and the awkwardness of a confrontation is what he is avoiding.

 

Forget about her mom's old ring (that is probably a couple thousand dollars) and a several hundred dollar digital camera? Ummmmm...no! By not returning these items it's called stealing, and that makes this man a criminal. There are ways to get him to cooperate - like taking legal aciton, and getting the cops involved to get her stuff back. Talk to someone like an attorney about the consequences of pursuing this first - unless you don't care that he gets slapped with a misdemeanor or felony charge.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but he shouldn't be stealing your stuff. He wants to break up, he needs to man up and get the balls to return to you what's rightfully yours. He doesn't have to talk to you if he doesn't want to, just return your stuff.

[iris219]

Iris219...........r you sure we are/were not dating the same guy!

I wonder to do commitment phobes love the women the women they are with? I mean how can you just dissappear and ignore a person who is desperately trying to talk to you? Wondering why, what, how, why cant i get my belongings back? Why wont you talk to me.

 

While we were on vacation he was really snippy at times. like you said your ex did, he has demonstrated projection before as well. Its always me, he flys off the handle very easily. Is this common for commitment phobes?

 

This man has my pearl ring that was my mom"s; she passed two years ago. Also my 300$ digital camera that I bought for our vacation! Seriously, give my stuff back. How do you get it back.....wait till he wants to talk again? This man is 46 years old.......come on now?????

 

I am so sorry for anyone who has gone through this...now what am i suppose to do...........just forget he has my personal belongings?

 

I used to show up unannounced at my ex's house. He would open the door, I'd walk in, grab my stuff, and leave. You might feel more comfortable giving him warning. Can you text him "On my way to pickup ring and camera. Have them ready. Thanks," and just go over there?

 

Trying to get him to talk will only push him away. You chase, he retreats. He sounds like the type who will come crawling back once you've ignored him and started to move on; I don't know if they do this out of love or boredom or because no one else will tolerate their crap. Don't let him do this again. I can guarantee it will never get better and he will only cause you more pain. Your ex, like mine, seems to only cares about how he feels. My ex has no empathy for others and can't handle anything that has to do with feelings.

 

You are better off alone.

Edited July 22, 2012 by iris219

[JoJola]

Forget about her mom's old ring (that is probably a couple thousand dollars) and a several hundred dollar digital camera? Ummmmm...no! By not returning these items it's called stealing, and that makes this man a criminal. There are ways to get him to cooperate - like taking legal aciton, and getting the cops involved to get her stuff back. Talk to someone like an attorney about the consequences of pursuing this first - unless you don't care that he gets slapped with a misdemeanor or felony charge.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but he shouldn't be stealing your stuff. He wants to break up, he needs to man up and get the balls to return to you what's rightfully yours. He doesn't have to talk to you if he doesn't want to, just return your stuff.

 

Thank you!

I might have to take legal action however all that drama when it could be easily resolved. he can mail it; drop it off; leave it on his porch and i can pick it up. I am angry and hurt but will not put up with this. By not returning it he is giving me reason to contact him...most people know you will not leave them with a sentimental piece of family jewelry. Is this is way of controlling me? Does he enjoy my pleading for my stuff back......

[Eddie Edirol]

Thank you!

I might have to take legal action however all that drama when it could be easily resolved. he can mail it; drop it off; leave it on his porch and i can pick it up. I am angry and hurt but will not put up with this. By not returning it he is giving me reason to contact him...most people know you will not leave them with a sentimental piece of family jewelry. Is this is way of controlling me? Does he enjoy my pleading for my stuff back......

 

Well hopefully you can leave him a message to leave your stuff outside his door to pick it up, without involving the cops. But who really has the money to involve the courts? Maybe you dont need a layer in small claims. he will if he doesnt show up for court.

[KatZee]

But I hope you're not asking that because you think he can change. He can, but for me...I'm 39. It took me years. I first started confronting myself in my mid twenties so it was no grand epiphany et voilà! i'm a new man... I'd let him go. If that is his problem (who knows but it definitely sounds like it...sabotaging relationships was my specialty...) then he is very burdened with psychological baggage that he may NEVER work out. Commitment phobia apparently tends to be a lifelong pattern that most people never break out of.

 

If you want to talk some more or have more questions don't hesitate:)

 

This sounds exactly like my ex, especially with what others on here have wrote. The reasons for the relationship failing were ALL my fault. Everything I did was a problem. Everything he saw was an issue and he didn't "like it." Everything I did gave him a "bad taste in his mouth." (The only thing I EVER did wrong, and it wasn't to HIM it was when I felt extremely uncomfortable around his friends and didn't act all "peachy" and "outgoing" and "super social." They all hated me from day one without even getting to know me--- previous ex loyalties--- they made my life hell. Always talking crap, making me feel like garbage... and I'm sorry I can't hide that I felt so bad about this.)--- meanwhile the other 99% of the time I basically wiped his as* that's how caring, respectful, supportive, appreciative, and so on and so forth I was of him. I would have done anything and everything for him to make him happy... meanwhile he was a liar, cheater, passive aggressive, phony individual. It was perfectly acceptable for him to disrespect me, my family, it was perfectly fine for him to take advantage of me, use me, lie right to my face, cheat, act like he was some saint. And everything I DID put a bad taste in his mouth. Really?

 

He has many demons and he never faces anything. He once told me he thought he needed professional help, but he won't ever get it. He thinks he sh*ts rainbows. He's so perfect. He makes the right choices all the time. Everything he does is amazing and wonderful, and he's such a caring individual.

 

I stayed because I thought he'd change or that I could "help" him but I realize now all of his inner turmoil is something I can't help with, he has to face it on his own, and until he does he'll always behave the way he behaves. Although I was sad to be out of the relationship, I realize now I should be extremely grateful. A guy like that isn't someone deserving of someone like me. Or this OP.

[salmagundi]

He sounds like a textbook narcissist. Google it...

[Hat-Trick]

He sounds like a textbook narcissist. Google it...

 

This! I'd hate to hear what else he has done in the past 3 years. Find someone who will go over there and GET THAT RING.

 

Who cares about that camera, but don't let that creep keep that priceless ring.

[JoJola]

Thank you all; at least I dont feel so alone. Yes, i kissed his a**; offered him everything when he has nothing; cared for him when he was ill...high end narcissist (sp) yes. Believe it or not i was also married to one and look congratulations I found another one. Yes, the ring is important; i cared for my mother during a short losing battle with cancer. I removed that ring from her finger the day she died. She asked me to take it before but i couldn't as i wanted her to feel pretty till she was gone. My heart goes out to you other girls who have responded.....but..tell me what you think of this....i am feeling revenge right now and this is his story;

he runs a business out fof his home without a permit

he does not have a liscense to perform his business

he has not paid taxes in several years

he gets high (mariijuana) every day..

this is only a start of what i have found.....question is: Would you report all of this? He can give me my stuff or I play dirty..i am not at all vindictive but this man has basically destroyed many things..my friendships, money, etc.....so please advise.

[JoJola]

Now even though i shouldn't i am feeling awful.................jsut trying to decide what to do.....

[salmagundi]

Do you have a friend that can go over and get your stuff? I mean, breaking up with you is one thing but stealing your things is bull****.

 

I say you should pull a disappearing act of your own...

[CopingGal]

My last ex pulled a stunt like this.

 

While we were engaged and wedding stuff happening.

 

He moved to another city! Just like that!

 

I am so sorry because it is a hard one to get over.

 

He sounds like a hard-core bastard and a loser. Sorry that happened.