Mixed signals.

[cdanner09]

Let me just start by saying that me and my bf have been together for a year and we live together. We are 2 weeks away from moving to a new city together and have already made new living/job arrangements, etc. There is an age difference – I am 25 and he is 20.

 

I love him very much but I have recently began to have some doubts in our relationship. I am wondering if it is worth it to continue.

 

THE CONS:

 

- He can be mean. Not always, but sometimes, he can be demeaning and hurtful. Name-calling and pointing fingers are not above him.

- Sex is going down. We used to love shacking up in the sheets (I still do), but now we rarely have sex. When we do, they are quickies and I am always initiating it. When I bring this up, he gets defensive and says he always tired or “that’s not all that I think about”.

- Lack of affection. He has never been an affectionate person, but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to hold my hand. He never attempts to put his arm around me or even kiss me. Every time I get near him, he gets upset and says that I’m “in his space”.

- He has a short fuse. This is how he has always been, but he has a very short temper and often gets upset over the smallest things.

- Jealousy. He is extremely jealous, even though I have never given him any reason to doubt me.

- Trust issues. This has been a major issue in our relationship. Even since we were first dating (a year ago), he has had a horrible habit of flirting with other girls. It was always just text messages, never anything more, but I recently caught a girl at our house. He swears nothing happened and was of course very apologetic, but I still wonder.

- The way he talks about me to his friends. I recently saw a message he sent his friend about me that went something like – “idk what to do to get this girl to break up with me lol…she’s too in my space”. He often tries to play the “badass” with his friends, so maybe this was him projecting that image? And why wouldn’t he just break it off himself? Regardless, it shows a lack of respect, in my opinion.

 

 

ON THE FLIP SIDE:

 

- He can be so sweet. He can pour his heart out in the most sincere way and I love getting those unexpected long, heartfelt messages from him that make me feel amazing.

- He makes sweet gestures. Just last week, he sent me a surprise edible arrangement saying that ‘I’m proud of you babe!’. This made my day.

- He talks about the future with me. We have talked about getting married, having kids, the works. He includes me in his future plans when they come up in normal conversation.

- Communication. He really is my best friend and we talk regularly. I am proud to say that since we have started dating, not one day has passed that we have not spoken.

- He is not apathetic to the things I do. He is curious as to where I go and who I am with. This may be a jealously thing too, but at least it shows he cares?

- He spends his free time with me. It is rare that he goes out with his friends, and most of his free time is dedicated to going out to eat, or the movies, or just being a bum at home with me. This is very, very nice. I never feel like a second option.

- He does not want to lose me. Of course, there have plenty of times where I have threatened to break up with him over things that any rational girl would’ve left him for by now…but he makes it clear that he doesn’t want to lose me and wins me over every time.

- He tells me he loves me. Not on a regular basis (thank God, that would be overbearing and fishy), but when it matters.

-

MY TAKE:

 

These mixed signals have made me very confused and insecure with our relationship. I have tried thinking of different reasons for why things are like this…

 

- He needs to “grow up”. Maybe the age gap is too great; maybe we want different things. Above all, I think that this is a maturity thing. I have to remind myself that he is 20…and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I may be in for some bumpy years of waiting.

- I wonder if maybe he feels stuck? We live together, his parents have bought me a car, we already have living arrangements in a new city…maybe he feels he is obligated to stay with me.

- Maybe he is not ready for a relationship. As much as I love him, I may have to accept the fact that we are at different points in life and looking for different things. The last thing I want to do is to hold him back from anything he might want to do before he is ready to settle down.

 

I don’t know. I’m rambling at this point and extremely confused. Any input would be great.