Stoneman70 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Ever since I first called her and she didn't answer or call back...I have been having a very hard time. I was doing better until I decided to call her...I want so badly to talk to her.. When will it get better? I'm hurting...3 months of nc and now I'm so eager to pick up my phone again... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Why don't you try writing here what you plan to say to her? And more importantly, what you think she'd say back. And then make an informed decision about whether it would serve you best? I feel for you, it's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 What do you think will happen if you talk to her? You will feel better for 5 minutes, and then you will be even more miserable. I speak from experience. If you love her so much, why not starting with changing your life? Maybe this will make you feel better.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Ever since I first called her and she didn't answer or call back...I have been having a very hard time. I was doing better until I decided to call her...I want so badly to talk to her.. When will it get better? I'm hurting...3 months of nc and now I'm so eager to pick up my phone again... If you planned to divorce and had taken steps to do so, then there would be a reason to call and you might find out if S had any intention of divorcing also and being with you. But, given the circumstances, what could such a call do? It's too painful (and a waste) to spend your life living one life in reality and another in your head -- and such a call will just prolong the time you spend doing that. If you plan on staying married, the best thing is to get on with doing that. Otherwise, moving toward divorce would likely be constructive, and free you to either be with S if she also divorced or to find the love you want with someone else. As to when it will get better, you just recently broke NC, so you have to give that time to heal, but it also depends on you as to what state you want to end up in. Some people spend their entire life thinking they should have lived a different life with a different person and others move on to fully embrace the life they live, with lots of love in their life. Some depends on fortunate external circumstances, but a lot depends on the person themselves. It is up to you what kind of life you want to live. I don't know what you want, but some of your posts suggest that you want to spend you life being married to your W and thinking S is the love of your life. If not, then what is it you want? Once you figure that out, you can move toward the life you want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 'When will it bet better' varies. My personal opinion, having gone through it a few times is, if it doesn't get better in a year, seek professional help. I found processing to be the most important aspect of 'getting better'. Same 'stuff', different methodology of chewing on it in the mind. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 What do you think will happen if you talk to her? You will feel better for 5 minutes, and then you will be even more miserable. I speak from experience. If you love her so much, why not starting with changing your life? Maybe this will make you feel better.... I agree. I remember when I broke NC and spoke to the ex, it was like taking a hit of something. The great feelings lasted for but a short while though, as inevitably, after hanging up or based on what was said in the conversation, I had to face reality that NOTHING at all was different. Even if Stone's MW answers and they speak...then what? Then nothing. You either are going to make a relationship work or you're not. If you're not, then you need to refocus on things in your life that you can change, what to change, want to make better. But holding on to something that will never be slows down your healing and growth. 3 months is a short time in the grand scheme of healing, so there is a ways to go, but what your focus is on during the healing process determines how quickly you heal IMO. The more NC was a ploy to make my ex miss me, to teach him a lesson, to have hope he'd come knocking, I wasn't healing really. When I started focusing on why we couldn't work and why I needed to move on and what the lesson was in this heartbreak for me my healing was expedited. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Stoneman - I always look at things with the question of " and then what?" Okay, walk through the scenario, you call her, what happens? Does she answer? What do you discuss? What is said? What is felt? And then what? What happens after the call? What has changed? What will change? What can you change? If the answer to the above is nothing then what is the point in calling? You have nothing to offer her. I know the feeling of loss. But you have nothing to offer her and she has nothing to offer you. You will feel the hurt again, you will feel the longing, it is rinse and repeat. Please stop chasing the Clown. ((((stoneman))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 It will get better when you choose to stop pining for someone who made the decision to be with their husband and not you. It will get better when you see the Relationship for what it was...what it really was for both of you...and that it wasn't the same for her as it was for you. It will get better when you refuse to keep doing this to yourself 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 It will get better when you choose to stop pining for someone who made the decision to be with their husband and not you. It will get better when you see the Relationship for what it was...what it really was for both of you...and that it wasn't the same for her as it was for you. It will get better when you refuse to keep doing this to yourself Exactly! S, you CHOSE your wife over your exMW, just like she chose HER H over you. You're still refusing to believe the A is over and you two are done. Secretly you hold hope that exMW will realize she misses you, and want you back. That isn't going to happen. You're not doing much to be pro active here in getting over exMW. And, you've barely mentioned your poor wife. I guess she doesn't matter to you much. Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 She doesn't matter much and yet stoneman stays with her. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Whenever you are ready to end this self-pity party stoneman - it'll end. Like most A's, yours provided an escape from a "not so happy" life. Your M was arranged and while you may care for her - you certainly don't love her. In a country you may not even wish to live in - that's a bit of stretch going by your posts but I get a sense of it. And then, away from home and family you launch into this A. And its wonderful - as A's are want to be. For you, doubly so. And instead of following your heart, you went back home to W, family and cultural duty. That was YOUR choice. You have be given a sense of life CAN be when lived according to YOUR desires. A woman solely of YOUR choosing. The master of YOUR destiny. It must be truly horrible to have walked back into the shackles of your life. But it was YOUR choice. Own it. You have a decision to make. A very simple one. Will you make the most of your shackled life or will you break free and live your life FOR you. I'd like you to think hard on that. Outline steps YOU need to take to achieve each...living this life as fully as possible to breaking free and living your potential life. Your mired in the past as it foreshadows your future. Should you choose it. Now pick...do you wish to stay at home or break free? As an aside, your AP is not the issue. She is NOT offering you what you want...it isnt her's to offer. I can promise you...there is at least one other woman out there who will "light your fire" as much as your MOM. But its up to you to go and find her. (Divorced that is ) Your life...your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 if S really loved you, would she like that you were miserable, or would she want you to get on in your life and learn to be happy? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 It depends on if it is altruistic love or romantic love. With romantic love you want to have mattered. You want the other person to miss you. To eventually move on of course, but yet to have made an impact on the other person's life. Isn't there a very strong connection between altruistic love and romantic love? Feelings such as "I would rather suffer myself than see my loved one suffer" are common among happily married couples who love each other. I would say the disconnect is between altruistic love and infatuation. With infatuation one can feel in love but it is primarily about oneself and how the person makes one feel -- and one might then want the other to feel bad about being apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 It depends on if it is altruistic love or romantic love. With romantic love you want to have mattered. You want the other person to miss you. To eventually move on of course, but yet to have made an impact on the other person's life. this is love? perhaps for one's own self, but if you love someone, the idea of hurting them should, at least on some level, bother you. You don't get an ego boost or self gratification out of seeing them in pain. You don't measure "love" by how much the object of your "love" is suffering because your relationship has ended. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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