My girlfriend

[Jeremy]

Hello everyone,

 

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years just broke up with me. She has been miserable for a while, and she's considered breaking it off before. I know she's been not-so-happy at times, but for some reason I haven't done what I've needed to do to satisfy her. I know what she wants. I am a lazy and a shy person. I am going to school now with her, but I haven't had a job. This has been a huge problem for her and I can understand why. I just was always too lazy to go get one. I also took her for granted and was lazy in our relationship. She would want to go do things like dancing and skiing. She loved walks and when I'd pay attention to her. I just wasn't motivated to do right by her out of pure selfishness and laziness. I don't know why the motivation was not there. My mother died when I was 12 and this person has fulfilled that void in my heart that was empty when my mother died. I want to get her back but I'm afraid it is too late. She sees some of these qualities in another person right now and I think she might be falling for him. I feel more motivated to do what's right. I want to change my values and work hard to make her happy. I went and found a job today. I promise to nurture her in the ways she wants. I just want to know if that sudden change in a person is possible. I feel it in my heart right now that I can do it. I sort of feel like I've hit rock bottom, and that has forced me to change and become the better person I've needed to be. I just want to know if it can be done, or if I'm just fooling myself.

 

thanks to everyone for listening,

 

Jeremy

[Tony T]

The absolute key to your problem is the death of your mother. If you will think back, this caused emotional trauma for you above anything you ever felt in your life. Take time to thing about it, I'll wait.....

 

;;;;;;;;

 

;;;;;;;;

 

As an adult, the thing you fear most is being abandoned by someone you love because you are aware of the intense pain of that abandonment and rejection. As a 12 year old, you were not prepared to deal with this kind of pain and people around you had no idea what you were going through because you kept it inside and wept in silence and in secret.

 

As an adult you will do anything you must to avoid that kind of pain again. So you will not get close enough to anyone you think you might love or allow any kind of intense bond because you fear your emotional reaction if it should end. By doing so, you bring about that which you fear the most...abandonment. But the hurt is not intense because you did what you could consciously to bring it about.

 

Everything you so honestly describe in your post that you did in your relationship had the absolute mission of pushing you apart from your girlfriend, driving her away, rather than bringing her closer. It was not laziness at times, I do feel you suffer from some debilitating depression and have for a long time. Get help for that.

 

My feeling is that you have not yet fully healed from your mother's death. Stop for a moment, imagine her face before you, and tell her..."Good-Bye Mom". You choke up, but you can't bring yourself to say the words because you are not ready to let her go. This is what you must work on with all your heart.

 

By your own admission, you are looking for someone to fill the void in your heart that your mother left when she died. But at the same time, you are consciously or subconsciously terrified of having that void filled by someone who will later leave and cause another violent episode of trauma, depression, anger, loneliness, etc.

 

Until you say Good Bye to your mother, until you process all the pain and hurt that you held inside upon her death and heal from it, you will not have a satisfactory relationship. You are absolutely terrified of loving someone and most women want to be loved.

 

Letting go of your mother will be an act of love, toward her and for you as well. Getting therapy to help you get over your fears of trust and intimacy will help a great deal.

 

And if I had to bet, I would also say you have major issues of repressed anger at God, for taking your mother away, and at the world in general. Maybe you feel guilty yourself for giving her a hard time before her death. Maybe there are others you blame. As an older guy, you need to understand that this event was the fault of no individual but was just one of the tough blows that live thrusts upon us.

 

Ultimately, you will look upon this as a tremendous growing process that will give you an even greater capacity to love, to empathize, to understand the shortcomings of others in a dimension others are unable. Meanwhile, you have a lot of healing to do and I think you are ready.

 

Much luck to you...and, yes, I share your feeling that it sucks to have your mother taken away from you at such a vulnerable age and to have to deal with all the crap you have had to go through since then.

[Jeremy]

Tony,

 

Thank you so much for responding. I agree with you about not properly letting my mother go. I never knew my father and my mother was all I had save for my siblings. She was the one person I truly loved more than anything. You know how it is, assuming you had a mother. I did go into a shell; I did not talk about my feelings. I feel guilty at times for not grieving as much as I thought somebody would. I am 20, and it has been 8 years. I've since been adopted and I haven't reached the point where I can love my adoptive parents like I did with my mother. I assume that circumstance will never happen. But, I promise to you, that I did have that sort of love for my girlfriend. I think I might've made my girlfriend into more of a mother figure. She told me what I needed to do and she told me when she thought I was messing up, just like a mother would. I depended on her for everything- Love, companionship, and trust. This sort of pushed her away because I pushed so much responsibility on to her.

 

I disagree with what you are saying about me fearing to be close. I was too close to her(my girlfriend). I needed someone to invest my love in. I had so much to give, I guess you could say, because I hadn't given it to anyone since my mother had died. She was all I cared about, and she still is. I'm not saying I don't care about myself, but I made her as part of myself as I could. I acknowledge my fear of abandonment. That is why I am in dire straits right now. She is all I had, just like my mother was. My feeling now is that I will never have someone to love again. I will never have someone so special. I will never have my mother again.

 

I messed up though. I didn't do the things to keep her. It is on me, because my girlfriend was very honest about her needs and desires. I just didn't or couldn't do it. Maybe I didn't do it because mothers are supposed to love their children forever. If she was indeed that mother figure, I felt that same way about my girlfriend; that she would love me no matter what. But, I want to know if I can change myself. Can someone do that for me by making me realize my mistakes? Is my will strong enough? Can people motivate themselves because of the loss of another? I want that for myself and hopefully for my girlfriend. I want her so bad, I am willing to do anything this time.

 

I just want to know if I can change, and if I should.

 

Thank you so much Tony, I really appreciate what you had to say.

 

Thanks,

 

Jeremy

[Tony T]

OK, we're getting somewhere.

 

First, your ex will find it very difficult to believe you have changed overnight. You need to back off and just see what happens naturally. She became disheartened in the relationship because of your neglect over time and it's not likely you can gain her heart back right away, if ever. Now I see that this sort of feels like you are losing your mother all over again.

 

It is very likely that unless you realize your search for love now is a search for a mother or to gain back the mother you had, you will continue to make these mistakes. What happened to you with the loss of your mother was tragic in so many ways but she is gone and you must mourn her loss.

 

It is further tragic that the ONLY sources of unconditional love that human beings have in the world, mother and father, are gone for you. Now, you are on your own.

 

For the most part, romantic love is conditional. It is conditioned upon us making our partner feel loved and desired. It is also conditioned upon fulfilling whatever is in the contract for us, whatever they desire from us that we have to give. If a woman wants a guy with a job and a guy who is motivated to do certain things with her or to express a certain level of interest in the relationship and that doesn't happen, she will be miserable...as you say your girlfriend was.

 

You cannot have a mother figure for a girlfriend. That is tantamount to incest. You must have a woman for a girlfriend. This woman will love you all the days of your life if you fulfill your end of the deal. If you don't, unlike mom who is obligated to take your crap, laziness, joblessness, indifference, etc., and love you all the days of your life, she will walk. You cannot be lazy or complacent. Women want a man to be somewhat ambitious and at least have some interest in working...in order for her to feel secure or in somewhat of a normal relationship.

 

I really don't think you should go for getting this girl back. She was not a real girlfriend but a mother substitute. You all but admitted it in your post. If she ever finds that out, she will really be pissed. Don't ever ever every tell a woman that she is a mother figure to you.

 

Find an older woman to help you get the mothering you need. There are lots of them around who will treat you like a son and give you that kind of love and attention, without the romantic element.

 

Also, strive not to date woman who resemble your deceased mother in any way. That is your subconscious mind's desire to bring your mother back. That will get you into trouble every time. Remember, they may look like your mom but they are NOT your mom and NEVER WILL BE.

 

Now, if you want a girlfriend, romantic love, etc., you will have to find it and earn its continuance. This will NOT be unconditional. If you want to sit around, be lazy, not do things with her, take her for granted, etc., you will be gravely disappointed and heartbroken every single time. Additionally, you cannot have healthy sex with a mother figure.

 

You must quickly understand that romantic love relationships take effort. No woman owes you unconditional romantic love. It is a two way street and each has to put forth the required and agreed upon effort.

 

The way you described yourself in this last relationship, you may have been one of the least desireable men to a woman. A man without a job who will not satisfy at least some of the important needs of a woman will not be attractive to her and she will not be a happy camper. Unlike mama, who loved you job or not...whether you did your chores or not, girlfriend or wife will quickly hit the road if you don't put energy and passion into a romantic relationship.

 

If this is not clear to you, talk to some of your close female friends and ask them what they look for and expect out of romantic relationships.

 

You are condemned to repeat this pattern of behavior all the days of your life unless you fully understand what I have told you here.

 

I am glad you responded to my post so we could get to the heart of this. A lot of people would have paid thousands of dollars in counselling for what we have accomplished in just a few posts. Speaking of that, it would not be a bad idea for you to seek counselling to surface the grief over your mother's death and get through that, to process the loss you feel over your entire family situation, and to help you with this romantic stuff.

 

I still intuitively feel that a lot of this laziness and indifference is due to a low grade depression that you suffer. Anyone who has gone through the emotional trauma you have would be expected to have this. I could be wrong but I don't think so. A competent counsellor, medically trained, will be in more of a position to determine this. Depression can cause laziness and lack of interest in life, work, etc. If you want love, you will need to get some attention for this.

 

I wish you great luck.

[Paulie]

Look into this book-

 

Home Coming

 

By John Bradshaw

 

I think it'll explain your fears of abandonment, and unresolved issues from the untimely death of your mother. Excellent book...I'm just finishing it right now. Tony also has endorsed this book on this site before.